Is my boyfriend being selfish or am I a needy girlfriend

[Qwerty28]

Dear mumsnet!

Long time reader, first time poster so go easy on me please. I need some advice help or guidance im not sure what, with my current relationship. I have no friends or family support so mumsnet I'm asking for your support.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, i have three beautiful children (eldest from previous relationship) other two from current relationship youngest being 4 months old, so as you can imagine at the moment I'm exhuasted physically and mentally.

A little about me before I let you know about my relationship issues. Im being 100% honest and I know some of these are not pleasant traits to have. I'm a very shy person I'm described as an introvert I have low confidence and self esteem I have jealous and needy tendencies I will always go out of my way to help people even if it damages my mental health ive also in the past suffered with anxiety and depression.

Since the beginning of my relationship my partners sleeping habits have been difficult to handle but understandable due to the hours he worked (10am-1am) his finishing time was 11pm but more often than not had to stay on late to get jobs done pleasures of being a retail manager. We had no alone couple time as I was always asleep by the time he came home. Every night he will spend two hours in the bath even to this day and wouldn't come to bed before 6am due to needing down time then woke up 30minutes before work got ready and left, the bedtime hours were the same on days off but wouldnt get out of bed untill around 3pm. This was fine I got grumpy with it due to lack of time together but I understood (pre kids) this has since improved only because a change in jobs the spending time together has not changed!.
He works two jobs which I appreciate whole heartedly I have to work around him so I work late evenings/nights (on maternity leave atm) we cannot change this dynamic due to financial reasons. So as a result of this our together time is limited. When we do spend time together I have to wait for him to come down from his bath usually around 10:30pm ish he'll pick the film/programme (if I pick he'll spend the evening on his phone) he made comments in the past that I use my phone two much around him so I have made a habit of not using it during our time I also mentioned he's on his phone too much to which he full on denies and hasn't done anything about. I usually fall asleep on the sofa no more than 10 minutes into watching something as I'm exhusted of doing 100% of the child care everyday. I wake up to YouTube on the telly and him on his phone scrolling through sm (if i am able to stay awake he doesnt talk and picks up and puts down his phone constantly its also forever going off. He tells me I'm controlling (because I ask him to put his phone down) just like his brother girlfriend she psychotic and refuses help this comment made me cry as I'm nothing like that he saw how upset it made me but never apologised) i then wake up and go to bed ( around midnight) and he continues to stay down stairs until 4-5am on his phone this makes me extremely upset I've expressed to him multiple times that I'd like us to start going to bed together but he refuses to see it as a problem only says "it's a you problem"
Am I in the wrong for wanting him to come to bed with me or to leave his phone alone? I dont ask for much in my relationship but the things I do ask for its always met with refusal or done a few times then back to normal.
I have several other issues in my relationship-
Phone use
Intimacy
Emotional support
No help the the children
Him doubting my opinion/knowledge to name a few

I am besotted with this man I've never felt love towards him like it. I dont want to leave him so that's out of the question.
I need advise on how to help/manage these issues and see what is normal or not in my relationship. I fell very lonely at the moment.
I'm sorry for the long winded post.

I've told him countless times the amount of sleep he gets is so unhealthy but it falls on deaf ears he does indeed fall asleep in the bath to which I have to bang on the door to wake him up or he's on his phone he will also fall asleep on the sofa with said phone in his hand and denies he was asleep if I nudge him awake. He has mentioned a few times that I dont initiate sex but why should I when hes never in bed. I think my needs aren't being met its a painful realisation that maybe I care for him more than he does me I'm starting to not want to spend time with him but I'll get moaned at for not making an effort

Tbh, this relationship doesn't sound that brilliant, you sound like a single parent already. Would life be any harder on your own?

Sounds like he resents the situation completely. He probably feels like he's out working all these hours and you're not bringing in any money, then dictating how he spends his precious time at home. This isn't a fair viewpoint at all - I'm just offering a counterpoint and saying that there's two sides to every story.

I agree with others that he doesn't sound like a catch at all. He's definitely not getting enough sleep and he's shirking parental responsibilities.

I am bringing in money even on maternity leave (full benefits from work) I bring home just over half of our combined monthly earnings. I've told him we don't need his second job we'll get by just fine it's a choice he's made to keep it, financially we don't need it

We don't do anything as a couple last time we went on a date was the first time we met 6 years ago. We don't celebrate our anniversary as he thinks it's stupid and only something married couples do won't marry me because one he doesn't believe in it and two I need to sort my mental state out it all sounds very negative he still gives me butterflies I adore his smile he's kind and will bend over backwards for anyone (apart from me it seems) I'm starting to feel very silly. I definitely feel like a single parent while in this relationship which is very upsetting

Literally nothing you are saying about him sounds kind.

@Qwerty28 read everything you wrote here as if it was someone else posting and not you and think what you would think of the situation. With kindness op this relationship doesn't sound good

Every night he will spend two hours in the bath even to this day and wouldn't come to bed before 6am due to needing down time then woke up 30minutes before work got ready and left, the bedtime hours were the same on days off but wouldnt get out of bed untill around 3pm

What a shit heap.
Dodging family responsibilities and time with his partner whilst not giving a shit about her down time or her mental load.

Kick the prick out.

I am besotted with this man I've never felt love towards him like it

Why?
There is literally nothing in this thread that you've highlighted that deserves your affections.

Just a selfish arsehole of a man usi g the usual bullshit excuse that men have used for generations.. "BuT I gO ToO WoRK!!!!"
Big whoop, so does everyone else.

Stop wasting your VERY limited time on earth with someone that doesn't value your life, never forget that you get one turn on this earth, every hour spent wasting it on this douche is an hour you'll never see again. You deserve better, demand better, don't settle for phone obsessed blokes that put you and the kids below lying in a bath.

I guarante your issues aren't as big as what he's made them out to be

He's emotionally manipulating you and convincing you that youre nuts ,jealous, controlling etc. It isn't true.
A decent partner doesn't illicit those emotions, they do their best to lessen them.

First 20 years of life is growing.
The next 50 years is living.
The last 20 years is waiting.
You've given 6 years of your living portion, or 12% of it... it's gon now. Dont give up much more or by the time you get to the last 20, you'll have nothing but regrets.

He's just not that into you op. Sorry. I am not seeing what he's bringing to the table here apart from financial - which I agree is vital, but a relationship is about more than the money.

I work long unsociable hours but it makes me really appreciate the time that I do have with my family.
I want to spend time with my husband and children. What is the point of working so hard without being able to spend my down time with my family.

"won't marry me because one he doesn't believe in it and two I need to sort my mental state out"

This alone makes me say LTB. He's happy enough to impregnate you and buy a house with you but doesn't believe in marriage, and thinks your mental health issues are yours alone to fix? What an utter prick.

This second job...he's definitely doing it yes? It's not a cover/smokescreen for something else?

I hope the mortgage is in both names op.

House+ bills are joint names With regards to the second job I believe so yes his wages in the joint account don't differ we also work in the same place so would be notified otherwise . Of the 32years on this earth I've come to the realisation all ive done is work with great difficulty with no support system since having the kids and having kids. 32years old and have never owned a passport let alone leave the country. I dont regret my children they are my whole world but I do regret having my eldest before I even had a chance of experiencing life properly. She expressed something the other day that cut me to the core she said you're different to my friends mums they're all happy and giggly, you're just moody since i can remember. I've been a parent for 12 years 7 of those was as a single parent I know nothing other than being a mum I'm not me anymore yes I've changed yes im alot moodier than I use to be all I could do to her was apologise my partner saw how that statement affected me and hugged me I've come to realise that's the first time he's hugged for well over a year

Oh op that's so very sad to read.

My mental health hasn't been great since my last year in secondary school I've tried reaching out for help with GPS and stuff, they referred me to italk nearly 5 years ago shortly after my middle child was born im still waiting for a appointment I check in regularly with them to be told you're still on the waiting list when my middle child was a year old I had a nervous break down around that time my eldest told me a close family member had abused her when she was 6 them being 12 lost my mum through it because in her words " you're all liars you need to sort your child out" she didn't believe either one of us. Amongst other things so you can see how much stress I was under to have said nervous break down went to hospital for a review after trying to take my own life they said they I was severe enough for help because I didn't cry in my appointment. Lots of thing since and before that has happened in my life mostly negative has affected my mental state beyond repair.
I think I cling onto my partner because 1 I'm scared to be on my own and 2 he pulled me out of a very scary place when we met he's all ive known after leaving a very physically violent relationship.

He is an avoidant. He will not change. You sound anxious. You need to heal your anxious attachment style and leave this useless git.
Focus on healing your attachment style, because once you become more secure he will seem less and less attractive to you and you will run for the hills.
What he is doing to you is intermittent reinforcement. It is very hard to get out of that, but if you put yourself first you can.

**That I wasn't severe enough

You will have to go to therapy on your own accord. Dont wait around for the NHS to pay for it, it will never happen. Take your life into your own hands!

This. What's the point of him?

And why have not one, but two kids with him. If you've been unhappy most of the duration.

I don't know anymore I don't know wether I'm like this because I'm needy or lonely in the sense I have 0 social life confidence and noone to talk to. Its not really something I want to talk to my colleagues about wether I'm asking to much of wether he's being a D*

We weren't actively trying to make a baby but on the other hand wasn't making and effort to protect us from making a baby both times like I said I don't and never will regret having my children regardless if their dad is difficult sometimes!

Remove your partner.

Your mental health will improve because you won't always have to be considering him and what he's going to say what he's going to think.

You're 32. Prioritise you and the kids for the next 8 years minimum, have friends, have casual relationships. DO NOT reach 40 in this same situation.

Or, to put it another way, if you do t do anything, how will you feel at 42 when 10 years have gone and nothings changed? How about 47? 50?
Believe me OP... the years between 32 and 50 will pass in the blink of an eye..

You have put that perfectly.

@Qwerty28 your daughter hit the nail on the head when she said you were different to other mums. Her stepfather certainly is different to other dads. Your children deserve parents who at 32 should still be fun and full of energy, my sons are 40 and 42 their kids still think their parents are magic. BUT they go to the beach, the park, play with them while mums get a break.

Your partner provides money but absolutely nothing else for you or your children. Perhaps he isn't capable of it. He may not have wanted them. He's going through the motions of being normal, partner and kids but he's not feeling it