Is my boyfriend being selfish or am I a needy girlfriend

[Qwerty28]

Dear mumsnet!

Long time reader, first time poster so go easy on me please. I need some advice help or guidance im not sure what, with my current relationship. I have no friends or family support so mumsnet I'm asking for your support.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, i have three beautiful children (eldest from previous relationship) other two from current relationship youngest being 4 months old, so as you can imagine at the moment I'm exhuasted physically and mentally.

A little about me before I let you know about my relationship issues. Im being 100% honest and I know some of these are not pleasant traits to have. I'm a very shy person I'm described as an introvert I have low confidence and self esteem I have jealous and needy tendencies I will always go out of my way to help people even if it damages my mental health ive also in the past suffered with anxiety and depression.

Since the beginning of my relationship my partners sleeping habits have been difficult to handle but understandable due to the hours he worked (10am-1am) his finishing time was 11pm but more often than not had to stay on late to get jobs done pleasures of being a retail manager. We had no alone couple time as I was always asleep by the time he came home. Every night he will spend two hours in the bath even to this day and wouldn't come to bed before 6am due to needing down time then woke up 30minutes before work got ready and left, the bedtime hours were the same on days off but wouldnt get out of bed untill around 3pm. This was fine I got grumpy with it due to lack of time together but I understood (pre kids) this has since improved only because a change in jobs the spending time together has not changed!.
He works two jobs which I appreciate whole heartedly I have to work around him so I work late evenings/nights (on maternity leave atm) we cannot change this dynamic due to financial reasons. So as a result of this our together time is limited. When we do spend time together I have to wait for him to come down from his bath usually around 10:30pm ish he'll pick the film/programme (if I pick he'll spend the evening on his phone) he made comments in the past that I use my phone two much around him so I have made a habit of not using it during our time I also mentioned he's on his phone too much to which he full on denies and hasn't done anything about. I usually fall asleep on the sofa no more than 10 minutes into watching something as I'm exhusted of doing 100% of the child care everyday. I wake up to YouTube on the telly and him on his phone scrolling through sm (if i am able to stay awake he doesnt talk and picks up and puts down his phone constantly its also forever going off. He tells me I'm controlling (because I ask him to put his phone down) just like his brother girlfriend she psychotic and refuses help this comment made me cry as I'm nothing like that he saw how upset it made me but never apologised) i then wake up and go to bed ( around midnight) and he continues to stay down stairs until 4-5am on his phone this makes me extremely upset I've expressed to him multiple times that I'd like us to start going to bed together but he refuses to see it as a problem only says "it's a you problem"
Am I in the wrong for wanting him to come to bed with me or to leave his phone alone? I dont ask for much in my relationship but the things I do ask for its always met with refusal or done a few times then back to normal.
I have several other issues in my relationship-
Phone use
Intimacy
Emotional support
No help the the children
Him doubting my opinion/knowledge to name a few

I am besotted with this man I've never felt love towards him like it. I dont want to leave him so that's out of the question.
I need advise on how to help/manage these issues and see what is normal or not in my relationship. I fell very lonely at the moment.
I'm sorry for the long winded post.

Basically your life is shit because you adore his smile, and that's enough to keep you trapped?

Tbh you really need a big wake up call about this bloke and start thinking about how this is impacting your dc in the long term. Potentially more messed up kids in the world because a mum keeps making excuses for bad behaviour of their father.

There's a lot to unpack there but my take is that you're in this relationship for the wrong reasons. He gives you crumbs. He knows it, you know it and so do your kids.

You accept crumbs because your self esteem is through the flour and you're just grateful he comes home every night.

Your past trauma is stopping you reaching your full potential - as a pp said - start doing the work to address your trauma and I guarantee the scales will fall from your eyes. I speak from experience.

it does seem like your being a little needy

Your only night out together was 6 years ago on your 1st date?

Have I got that right?

You've never had a trip somewhere together? Never gone to a pub with him, or cinema, or the beach in summer? No holiday away as a couple?

If that's correct then no wonder you are struggling mentally. Your whole relationship is very very strange and not healthy.

I truly think you need to get away from him and get a life, literally.

If not for you for your children.

Yep only one right at the beginning. We occasionally do things as a family, beach,park, farm that sort of thing just nothing as a couple. I've only had no more than a week away from my children in the last 5 years 2days for my newborns birth a few months ago and 5 days after my middle was born I was very unwell in hospital with sepsis. He makes no effort planning anything the weekends are a right off as he's heaverly into his American sport so watches that Saturday nights all the way till 7am then he'll go to bed. I see couples who have children all over sm that do things as a couple out for dinner date nights etc I asked my partner if there was asong that everytime he listens to it, it instantly makes him think of me (he's a massive music fan) he said no. I can count on one hand the number of photos we have with just us two in them on his sm hes "single" I don't have sm but I've been shown that what it says

Why do you think he claims to be single on social media?

Honestly, you need to raise your standards. If you're contributing half the family income and he's not pulling his weight around the house or emotionally with you, what on earth is he doing?

Scrolling the Internet and sm while I sleep 😅

what does he do in the bath for 2 hours? Is he just wanking and looking at porn?! I think you need to get his phone and look at what/who is more important than you and your family - AND LEAVE HIM! you deserve better

It's a strange set up and quite hard to figure out how it got like this. You seem to have a serious committed relationship in that you have children and a joint house purchase and mortgage, both working and earning etc but there isn't much sense of togetherness or personal closeness between you.

You are like two separate individuals living in the same house but wanting different things and you are not wrong for wanting something more, even if you are 'needy' because of various past experiences and not having support from mother and family or friends, which in itself makes you more vulnerable. How did you meet and what drew you together? Was it ever close, personal and romantic? Or was it more a matter of practical arrangement that suited each of you in different ways - you both now have a house and family which is a stability of sorts, if not personally and emotionally satisfactory from your point of view, while he has work and hobbies and is more absorbed in those than anything to do with you and the children.

If you werent together, how would you life be different? Would you notice physically, emotionally etc if he left?

it sounds like you aren't too needy, you're just looking for connection from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it. That's very unlikely to change anytime soon.. if at all.

I feel pissed after reading that post.

I have experience of that situation and I didn't cope at all im too depend on him it will be even more difficult to cope with now I have 3 children the relationship isn't something I can walk away from if he leaves ill have to quit my job ill lose absolutely everything furniture the lot it's what he done the last time as he paid for majority of it as the furniture I had before he moved in wasn't good enough or too small. He describes even to this day my house looking like a squat and cold when I first met him because I had hardly anything in it. I agree it was minimal but what I had was the basics it's alot more than I did have as I was in a women's refuge for a year. I moved into my property 10years ago with two black bags of clothes I was and am proud of what I achieved in a month of moving in it still hurts when he brings it up and occasionally says you wouldn't have x.y.z if it wasn't for me. I'm not happy but I know enough that ending this relationship now will be disastrous

If I ask to see his phone he'll let me but not before interrogating me first i know what's on his phone I'm uncomfortable with it he knows this so I stay clear nothing sinister just still has his exs on sm mainly snapchat. I've asked his what he does in the bath and it's always I fell asleep or I'm looking at cars. He says he has a very low sex drive so I don't think it's wanking or porn I could be wrong though he could be sorting himself out. We have sex once a week usually when he comes to bed Saturday eveings

If you won’t be be the relationship you hen you’ll have to put up with it how it is because he’s got no motivation to change anything and is happy as he is.

he does sound quite high risk to cheat/leave you though so I would concentrate on increasing your own earning capacity for if/when he does.

*If you won’t end the relationship you’ll have to put up with it how it is.

I just don’t see the point of him. He should never have had a relationship or children as clearly he doesn’t have time for either and refuses to do anything to make time. Does he seriously expect you to be content with just having a label of partner and that’s all a relationship needs? It must be so lonely for you.

I really think you need to leave, but I do understand your concerns. Can you start mentally separating from him? Invest in your own furniture, make plans without him, spend more time with friends etc? The more you separate mentally, the easier it will be to end things and have a chance at finding someone who actually wants to spend time with you and likes you as a person.

I thought from your answer yesterday to a poster who said she hoped the mortgage is in joint names that you had bought a house together but now from what you say you had been in a refuge and then a house, which he moved into, which does put a different slant on things and raises more questions about him and his motivations.
You are rightly now beginning to question your life and relationship and feel trapped but maybe you are not. If it is a council house for example, which you had rented, you would, I think, retain rights and a home for yourself and children with housing grant or allowance if necessary. You do have another valuable asset which is your job and you could begin to plan a future even if it does take a few years to put into effect, say, once your youngest is at 3 or 4 and at nursery or school.
A key thing would be to have someone to confide in and share your worries with in person, and if there isn't anyone in your family you could build a relationship of confidence with, perhaps women's aid or some voluntary organisation for parents or mental and emotional wellbeing. Local authorities have information about voluntary organisations and sometimes run schemes with mentors or befrienders to families or individual parents under strain. You are carrying a lot on your own, and doing incredibly well as a devoted mother taking care of a new baby, two children and household but some emotional support present in your life would help enormously and is worth seeking out.

I have started to mentally separate from him its extremely difficult but once he sees that im disassociation from him he "starts to make an effort" if you will but its short lived once he sees my mood perk up he's back to normal. Unfortunately it's just me my children and my partner no outside help or support

I have started to put money away in my personally saving account which he saw a few days ago and went off on one saying that needs to go straight into the joint savings to which I said it was to buy my children school uniform as ones starting Yr 7 and the other reception in September uniform is not cheap and he made me feel guilty for having £150 in my personal savings I think he's noticed I'm in a mood as I haven't uttered a word to him since and refused sex this morning when he finally decided to come to bed at 7:30am.

I've done alot since the moment I woke up 3loads of washing washed and put out to dry stripped my sofa cushions gave them a good wash done a whole weeks shop for a family of 5 with the youngest two and a buggy as I can't drive ive done Lunches for the children feeds and bum changes for the baby entertained the two youngest and im now putting the fresh washing away while baby sleeps. All he's done since getting his arse out of bed at 11am is help me put shopping away settled baby for her nap now he's asleep on the sofa

I'm dreading later when we're done putting the children to bed and he's had his 2hour bath as I would of fallen asleep on the sofa then get moaned at that I fell asleep and don't stay up with him in the night 🙃

Not really the point but couldn’t help thinking your heating bills must have been astronomical over winter if he’s in the bath for 14 odd hours a week!

It doesn’t sound as though you’re particularly well suited tbh

When it was just me and my eldest my gas bill was £25 a month where she was very little we would share bathes now with 3 kids and 2adults it's £210 a month water was £92 average every 6months now its £295 minimum I'm lucky if I get one bath a week as I always run out of time to have one. Don't get me started on electric bills 😅

No I don't think we are suited we in most things are complete opposites

You went from a refuge to a house and this loser moved in after one date?

God help you and those children.

He's a selfish, lazy, loser.

Stop having children with him, would be a start.

He's an utter loser.

You deserve better.
Your poor children certainly do.

You said that the children were unplanned and just happened due to lack of contraception. Do you think more unplanned children with him is likely?