“You’re a bit scary”

[Wtfishappeningandwhy]

What does this mean? What does it mean if someone thinks you are scary? I feel like I’m just a normal person but I’ve been told this twice by friends in my life.

I get this, I have a morticia type look. Once people speak to me they say "oh you're not scary at all" 😂

I KNOW some people don't like her. She can be a bit abrasive for sure. But once she's claimed you as one of her people, you'd never want for a better, more loyal friend.

I don’t think this is a good thing at all.

She sounds like a control freak who is rude to anyone who isn’t falling at her feet and wanting to be her friend.

She doesn’t get to claim anyone and I’d rather find another friend.

Report your thread and MN can move it.

Someone who is abrasive and hard to approach, you don’t want to ‘cross’ or your life will be made difficult, they bitch about others a lot, are bossy (this isn’t always a bad thing, but it is if it’s done in a ‘controlling’ manner).

I’m not fluffy myself but I’m def not scary either.

Been said to me my whole life because I take no shit in a male dominated industry. From men mainly but also from women who think I should be "kind" which is middle class for STFU.

It's usually sexist nonsense, ignore.
For the record though I am very nice and generous I just don't put up with shit behaviour, management nonsense or entitled mediocrity

I've been told I'm "scary" before. I'm not, I don't think. I'm not physically intimidating, and I tend to take things in good humour. If someone a bit odd approaches me in public to chat and doesn't give off scary vibes, I'll chat with them. I don't mind being taken the piss out of or taking the piss out of myself.

But I don't have a good poker face, so if something pisses me off it tends to show. If someone wants to make a sly comment or dig, I respond to it rather than the done thing of letting passive aggression slide. If pavement parking makes it hard to get through with our SEN buggy, I always try to fit through, maybe fold the mirrors for them.

I think context is important here. Stbxh thought it was a rude and nasty thing to say but he bloody was scary. It's not a word I'd use if I wasn't scared or physically intimidated, menaced by someone's behaviour. I'm sure OPs case isn't like that, but it's certainly not rude perse. You triggered a bad memory with that.

however I don’t stand for any nonsense if pushed and will always stick up for myself and whoever I love

This is it, then. It’s code for just being rude.

This sort of person is a real pain in the arse, but they aren't scary.

I had to deal with two of them in my last job, and they were always gobbing off about something, but they didn't intimidate or impress anyone. These types invoke annoyance, eye rolling and "compliance for a quiet life".

That isn't the same as scary.

Ah yes, the mean girls that get told 'you're not a bitch, they're just jealous of you' in school and then continue into adulthood.

Well done.

Scary = you did something that was surprising or that I don’t like

OP, you sound lovely and very non-scary to me. Can we be friends?

This. It's a good thing

It isn't that people think you're scary for speaking up. It's that these people would rather you conform, and they tell you you're scary to make sure you are less likely to speaking up again.

It can mean many things.

It can mean you come across as the stereotypical playground warrior who will have a stand up row over somebody's six year old not playing with their PFB at playtime or another Mum has dared to look at their boyfriend twice in five years.

It can mean you are a giant who looks as though you could snap somebody in half if they so much as breathed in your direction in the wrong way, but choose not to.

It can mean that you are intimidatingly intelligent and can cut people down with a withering glance.

and it can mean you come across as lovely, pleasant and kind - but clearly know everything that goes on and are calmly, patiently prepared to absolutely obliterate somebody doing wrong at the appropriate moment with a sweet smile on your face.

I get told I'm scary all the time. A friend of mine does too. It's because we don't put up with bullshit.

My hubby says this about me! I certainly don’t take any shit off anybody. But I would also say that I’m not rude and I am considerate of others so it makes me a bit cross that he says it.

If I said it to a friend I'd mean it as a compliment as in they stood up for themselves and didn't get pushed around. If I thought someone was actually scary as in aggressive and violent I probably wouldn't say it to them!

I think it means you’re fierce, strong opinions and stand up for yourself

I’ve been told this from time to time. And then I’ve been told in other contexts that I need to be more assertive.

We all have different sides to us and I wouldn’t worry about it.

Maybe you're stern/harsh looking? My boss is like that on the surface and comes across as intimidating but she's lovely

She's also very sure of herself (a good thing)!

I would imagine context would be helpful. It is entirely possible that if two different people have told you are scary that you might be. If I was to describe a man as scary, it would probably be taken seriously as implied that he’s abusive, nasty etc, but here people are telling you perhaps you’re just too formidable and stand up for yourself. I’d be careful believing that because no one actually knows you in real life. Perhaps you could work through the situations in which people called you scary and think about how you could try to come across less so?

So much bullshit on this thread.

You can stand up for yourself and make your opinions known without people who know you well thinking you're 'scary'.

Same bullshit occurs when abused children say their abuser whether it's a parent, family member, teachers or sports coach is scary and the apologists rush in to say "they just have boundaries, won't entertain bad behaviour, they just discipline when no-one else does, they're just saying what no-one else will say "

Worse when it's women when so many people seem to excuse it and see it as them just being a kick-ass woman who should be admired. "With just a look I silence people".

Well done, you're a bully 👏

I would expect it means assertive and comfortable in your own skin, OP.

No one has ever called me scary, although I’ve had comments in a similar vein, always from men.

One ex told me jokingly (but not joking) that he found me “intimidating” shortly after we started going out. He was 6 foot something with a booming voice and I’m 5’1 and quiet, so it sounded ludicrous, but he meant in terms of (his perception of my) intelligence and confidence, plus me having a fancy-sounding job title (not as impressive as it sounds)

Another ex once said that if he hadn’t known me since school he’d have been too scared to approach me. He was a wet blanket though to be fair 😂 I also had “too opinionated” from one boyfriend at uni, who I immediately dumped! (I certainly am opinionated, and I have no time for men who have an issue with it)

Take from that what you will 😁

Are you a strong, confident woman, comfortable in your own skin, by any chance?