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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“You’re a bit scary”

128 replies

Wtfishappeningandwhy · 27/05/2023 09:14

What does this mean? What does it mean if someone thinks you are scary? I feel like I’m just a normal person but I’ve been told this twice by friends in my life.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 27/05/2023 09:55

Wtfishappeningandwhy · 27/05/2023 09:51

Loving these replies! I’m not prone to violence and I shy away from confrontation- however I don’t stand for any nonsense if pushed and will always stick up for myself and whoever I love - also not afraid of being vocal about my values. I’m quite girly, skirts and flowers etc but also strong and capable. I probably have a spectacular resting bitch face 😂 I am an introvert really, definitely not the loud one at a party, in fact I will try anything to avoid going to the party!

Speaking up for yourself does not make someone appear scary.

whumpthereitis · 27/05/2023 09:55

I get this. I’m taller than average, blunt, have rbf, and have an accent from a country usually depicted as villainous in film. It was inevitable.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/05/2023 09:59

I've been called 'scary' a few times. In my case it's because I can be a little bit random, with a racing mind that will jump from subject to subject. I imagine my body language can be hard to read too (ADHD). People sometimes find it hard to deal with. To be honest, so do I, occasionally.

Oysterbabe · 27/05/2023 10:01

It means gobby usually.

Babyhustwabtstodance · 27/05/2023 10:04

Goldenbear · 27/05/2023 09:55

Speaking up for yourself does not make someone appear scary.

Show quote history

No it doesn't.

Being aggressive, confrontational or a bully does.

There's this whole thing about aggressive confrontational people just "calling a spade a spade, don't take any shit, just telling it like it is, it's tough love" bullshit.

It's very very possible to have strong opinions and stick up for what you believe in without being scary.

If more than one person who are friends with you have suggesting this, you are likely the problem.

trulyunruly01 · 27/05/2023 10:04

I'm definitely not rough as fuck but one of dh's friends once told him that I was scary and intense.
Well I've had to be the go-getter in our family because dh is so chill they call him mr frosty.
The bloke who finds me so scary has no home of his own, no partner, no job and spends most of his time smoking weed so I won't be changing my ways anytime soon.

nachotemple · 27/05/2023 10:10

I would agree with this from PP above:

"Or it could mean you’re intimidating because you are prone to violence, walk a fine line between being direct and nasty, and are unpredictable."

Gtsr443 · 27/05/2023 10:11

Because of my height I spent most of my younger life being told I was intimidating so I did everything to make myself smaller and more passive.
And then I realised it was their problem.
Fuck 'em.
Scary is one of those things people use to criticise women. Opinionated is another one. Loose cannon is another.
I always thought calling the only black woman in the Spice Girls "Scary Spice" was laden with racist shit.

cuckyplunt · 27/05/2023 10:11

I can be terrifying.. rock it!

longestlurkerever · 27/05/2023 10:18

My boss is a bit scary. It means she's inscrutable, blunt to the point of confrontational and doesn't do the normal social niceties of asking after people and welcoming them. I don't see at is a good thing, particularly, and is more than just not being a doormat.

TidyHomeTidyMind · 27/05/2023 10:19

I'm tall, carrying weight and have the most epic rbf! I have been called scary multiple times 🙄
I'm not scary, I have never had a physical fight in my life but I will use my mouth if I need to, I am definitely not a passive person!
The frustrating thing for me I find is that if a petite woman says exactly the same thing as me in the same tone she is held up as some strong sassy woman that should be applauded for her forward thinking opinions......I get told I'm scary!!

zingally · 27/05/2023 10:19

I've got a very dear friend who I know people would describe in the same way.

She speaks her mind, isn't afraid to stand up for herself, and if you act like a twat, she'll tell you as much.

But she's also one of the kindest, most loving, most generous people I know. She'd give you the shirt off her back without a thought, if you needed someone at 3am, she'd come running. And she'd always, always have your corner.

I KNOW some people don't like her. She can be a bit abrasive for sure. But once she's claimed you as one of her people, you'd never want for a better, more loyal friend.

I'm actually going out for lunch with her today!

Tillybobbins · 27/05/2023 10:19

I’ve been called this, have wondered why but can definitely tick some of these boxes. This thread is illuminating and explanatory to me. Thanks.

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 10:21

I have had this too, and I'm also an introvert, quiet and outwardly feminine looking. But I'm not a pushover and if something needs saying I will say it. I think that's the bit that people take offence to. I'm not rude or aggressive, I don't have a temper and I don't raise my voice but I'm very firm about standing up for what I believe when the occasion arises and very good at saying NO. I reckon people think they have me all worked out - that I'm meek and mild and can be pushed around. Then they are shocked and butthurt that they've underestimated me. Could that be true for you OP?

AlligatorPsychopath · 27/05/2023 10:21

I've been told this all my life. I'm tiny and not remotely violent, but I do have a cracker of a resting bitch face, I'm confident, very smart and quite intense. I've come to see it as something I quite like - nobody mistakes me for a pushover. It's also got less as I've learned to be warm and put others at ease more.

nachotemple · 27/05/2023 10:21

@longestlurkerever yes I think there's definitely a line between being an arsehole without manners and being assertive. Your boss sounds like the former.

MissTrip82 · 27/05/2023 10:22

Some of these replies are making me cringe.

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who prides themselves on their ‘straight talking’ etc who has ever been able to take what they can cheerfully dish out. I find them neither scary nor admirable.

I’d ask people what they mean. I don’t aspire to scare anyone and would want to be told if my behavior were leaning that way.

CharlottenBurger · 27/05/2023 10:22

I've been told that I'm scary since I was about 12. My husband says it 'might be my glasses'. I am distinctly not soft and fluffy, as has been suggested, and I don't suffer (great) fools of either sex gladly. I especially dislike mansplainers and babysplainers.

Pluvia · 27/05/2023 10:32

I'd take it as a compliment and not take it to heart. I think it's the kind of thing that's often said to capable, thoughtful, people who don't feel the need to put on a fake 'nice' front and play the schmoozing game. I've been called scary a number of times, usually once people have got to know me and discovered I'm a decent and generous sort of person. Like PP, I'm not aggressive or confrontational, but I do have certain values and expectations and I will, if necessary, step in and challenge something that seems wrong to me.

I used to worry about it, but I think it actually says more about them than it does me. I have to say that I'm attracted to people with a bit of quiet authority about them. They are often the interesting people. The noisy, ultra-sociable jokers aren't my cup of tea.

thecatsthecats · 27/05/2023 10:37

I was respected for being able to turn on a hard stare at a previous workplace. Mainly because I turned it on management twattery and difficult customers.

I also let my team rag on me and take the piss - they were far from scared of me, and when I burned myself out, they individually reached out to be very kind to me.

And in my last job, I was purposefully "scary" on behalf of a poor colleague who was being treated dreadfully by both her line manager and the external client. You wouldn't describe either of them as scary, but they managed to be bastards all the same. The colleague quit with immediate effect shortly afterwards, reached out and thanked me for defending her, and would only liaise with me about her work exit.

I'll keep being scary, I think. There's plenty of people who need you to be scary for them.

TeaParty4Me · 27/05/2023 10:47

Someone who is very mouthy and tries to start an argument in an empty room.

Do they avoid inviting you to things?

Have you asked them why they think that?

Greengagesnfennel · 27/05/2023 10:51

It's usually just sexism and means 'you do not conform to how I expect a stereotypical women to behave (therefore I can't read you)'.
I've never heard it used as a description of men.

Magnoliainbloom · 27/05/2023 10:51

Excluding someone being malevolent, I’d say highly intelligent + beautiful + got your shit together + non-confirming + takes no crap.

Pixilicious1 · 27/05/2023 10:53

I get told I am scary. I take it as a compliment. My personal motto is ‘do no harm, take no shit’ and I am very kind and thoughtful and supportive of the people I love. But I have clear boundaries and won’t be walked over. I am totally happy with who I am and you should be too, you sound great!

Butchyrestingface · 27/05/2023 10:53

I've been told this throughout my life, but not constantly. On my first "proper" job in a bank aged 20, the my arsehole manager, in my first 121, told me I was a "cold, underwhelming person and all the boys were scared of me."

I didn't mind that last bit. I thought that was quite good, actually.

I'm short, introverted, quite shy, am consistently taken for younger than my age, not a smiler, conscientious but not a people-pleaser. Not aggressive but can and will stand up for myself.

I am not however averse to answering my front door when the doorbell rings. Wink