To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

Sounds like he doesn't give two shits about how you feel sadly.

It's one thing to be a bad gift buyer, but he just doesn't care.

What you do with that is for you to decide. Is he usually selfish and hurtful?

@WoolyOctopus
Fundamental mismatch in your relationship- Charity shop gifts of tacky genre especially as you aren’t struggling is ridiculous.

I think that’s shit. I would be planning his birthday from now. Nylon underpants, a potato, a “male” hobby book or magazine on something he has no interest in, babycham, or something like, jellied fruits. Beautifully wrapped of course. Each would have a back story. Or I might just forget it altogether, but I wouldn’t keep carrying the load of everything. From now, make it plain that he and you will be buying separate gifts for your children.so you get Dd the dolls house of her dreams and he gets her a lumpy grey balaclava.

@KittyMcKitty chill out kitty, she was moaning about the bracelet before she knew it was from her daughter.

He put his want - to buy jeans above your birthday.
He put HIMSELF first.
For your Birthday.
My DH used to be crap at Birthdays too, until my 40th when his own mother asked him, in front of me, whether he had organized anything (- he had a big birthday the year before and I took got him tickets to a concert, booked an air B&B, paid for everything plus travel and organized a suprise BBQ for all our family & friends the next day.)
He looked like a rabbit in the headlights. I'd saved for 6 months for his Birthday and 4 weeks before mine he hadn't given it any thought at all.
We drove home in silence & when we got home his mum rang and tore absolute strips off him and made it very clear that he was actually just like his father, who she had left 20byears previously because he was a selfish knob who put himself first.
You either accept his shitty behaviour or let him know how utterly disrespectful he has been.

Good grief, you arent a "snob" just because you dont want some crappy 2nd hand mills and boon books for your birthday- thats a bloody awful present.

I would spend some money on myself and buy myself a present instead. Then, for his birthday, I'd buy him some shitty aftershave from the pound shop that smelt of cats piss. See how he likes it.

This. Some people are simply incapable of 'thoughtful present buying'-sadly mainly men. You so often hear "I would have done X, Y, Z, but that is an unrealistic comparison as NOBODY thinks the same as you do.

Who would be thrilled with 2 shitty mills and boon paperbacks...as I'm always reading on here raise the bar ffs. He's a selfish git. I hope your daughter isn't upset tomorrow about your lack of cake.

@Onefootinthegroove your MIL sounds like an absolute gem 👏🏼 not often you hear about MILs tearing a new one in their son's when they deserve it.

Did DH get his act together for your birthday and has he learnt his lesson?

That's rubbish behaviour.

DP always buys me birthday presents and makes the day really special. I don't like all the presents he buys me - I'm looking at a particularly gaudy lamp that's not really my style - but I've never tell him because it's the thought that counts & he does get me more than one gift.

What struck me in your situation is your DP is thoughtless (unless it comes to himself of course, I note he bought himself jeans) but also that you seem to be going on and on and on at him before your birthday's arrived to get you this or that, including repeating DD wants to get you this or that. In itself that doesn't make your birthday seem special at all. Takes the shine off it.

I wouldn't like those presents either but knowing me If I were that disappointed I'd buy myself something really luxurious and opulent. & When he sees/asks about it well then it's your birthday treat to yourself because you do like lovely things that make you feel good...

I don't know what a "Mills and Boon" book is, but since you tell him about everything that you're reading maybe he wants to know about whatever these stories are.

And going on about only reading Booker Prize novels and having lit degree does come across as "I only like 'proper' books"

So what if she does? its her choice, and her birthday, not yours. You are free to read Mills and Boon if you so wish but its certainly not everyone's choice of a good read. Its certainly not "good literature" is it? unless I missed the time Mills and Boon won a literary prize?

Ok maybe the gift isn't too the OP's taste but she apparently has friends coming round for lunch. So presumably the husband though "something" had already been planned for the birthday.

@EverythingsCominUpMilhouse he did indeed get his act together and 13.years on he continues to be thoughtful , especially around my Birthday.
We lost MiL 7 years ago, she was a force of nature and I loved her to bits.

I get it, it’s not even about the books and bracelet from the charity shop. It’s the lack of thought, lack of planning …….. it leaves you feeling like they don’t care about you at all. It’s really selfish and uncaring behaviour. In fact it’s down right rude and shows a real lack of love and priority. I would put more thought and effort into a secret Santa gift for a colleague I don’t know very well! If you have both been through a tough time recently and this is uncharacteristic of him, then personally I’d let it slide this time. But if he is often selfish and doesn’t make you feel loved or appreciated then I would be questioning the relationship going forwards.

He’s awful, sorry. It’s not difficult to buy a book token and a bunch of flowers, and get a cake and candles to have with the lunch with friends. Doesn’t take imagination or special shops. It’s the easiest thing in the world.

For the sake of your DD, I would either go or tell him to go to the supermarket and buy a cake in a flavour you like - DH would know mine is chocolate, but you may need to tell him.

If there is a specific book you'd like to read, or indeed anything else you want I'd ask him to get or order that as well.

In future, be very specific about what you expect on your birthday. If he still doesn't deliver it, then that's a different matter.

So basically he’s happy to accept your “materialism” when it’s showering him? I’d be tempted to take back my £500 Xmas gift apologising for how extravagant it clearly is to him? I’m sure he’d have something to say if you turned the tables. I hope you treat yourself to make up for it!

But he's always got pathetic stuff or made a pathetic effort, so why are you expecting any different?? Read your update again and ask yourself if you're really surprised. Sounds like you have enabled him and getting just that.

We do lists for Christmas and birthdays.

It might be very dull, but does have the advantage of avoiding disappointment and you end up with something you do actually want.

I always add at the bottom 'and a surprise' 😁

So there is an element of creativity and imagination!

Could you try something like this?

He sounds thoughtless, but some people do make a lot more of birthdays and anniversaries than others. Some families hardly bother with them at all for adults. I certainly wouldn't be spending anything like £500 on him, I would just buy something for about £30 that he might like. I think it's the lack of thought that has upset you, does he show any thoughtfulness in other ways?

If he's making you feel emotionally neglected try talking to him. If he dismisses it I would be concerned.
You definitely rubbed me up the wrong way with the "granny books" comment. Do you mean Mills and Boon or something like Maeve Binchy?
A bit ageist and dismissive of you.

Let him read this thread, twice, then ask him to digest it, think on it for a while, then discuss.

That is shit OP. I wish you a very happy birthday.

YANBU