To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

‘Low brow, granny-type Mills & Boon’

What a snobby comment. I had no idea that becoming a grandmother suddenly meant you started to read a particular book style.

@BadlydoneHelen , I picked up a Sophie Kinsella book and a Katie Fforde one in a charity shop. I read them. Both were very easy reads.
The KF one had blurb on the cover 'Modern-day Austen Red'.

Before you go off about the books and the bracelet, think of how your DD will feel if she is the one who picked them out for you. A 5 year old isn't going to understand your disdain for her gifts and why they aren't to your taste and whyyou don't want them, and how disappointed you are that she picked out such shitty gifts.

You need to flipping STOP spending so much money on him when its not reciprocated. He is learning that he gets lovely expensive things whilst its fine for him to be thoughtless and careless when its your present. I'd be getting his next birthday gift from a charity shop (something crappy and cheap) and see how he reacts. Sometimes the only way people learn empathy is to be in that situation themselves!

I think the posters that say things like men are shit at gift giving are used to making excuses for men. Most are capable of independent thought. Some i agree might not care much about goving or receiving presents but it shouldn't take a genius to figure out that their partner would like the day marked in some way. Op has clearly asked about it, therefore she was expecting some effort even if it was just breakfast made for her.

You've had a second child with a man who doesn't give two hoots about you. Even if I did agree with the posters who say men are crap at choosing presents then he could ask you what you want. Instead he's arguing with you gaslighting you when you are pregnant. Not a catch by any means. I really hope he has some redeeming qualities op.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought so little of me, couldn't engage his brain or didn't want to. We all have our limits and different expectations but you are accepting low standards and need to be aware of that. You deserve better op.

@Onefootinthegroove oh bless, she sounds like she was amazing 💛

So glad DH did a 180. He must have been shook!! I hope OP's DH does the same.

This sounds absolutely deliberate to me. He is trying to show you his contempt. I’m so, so sorry. Unless it’s out of character and a one off, I couldn’t move past this sort of behaviour. Concentrate on looking after yourself and marshalling your support network for the upcoming baby, OP. Make some decisions when the dust has settled a bit in a few months.

I put [shocked] on the end of my last post. Whoever thought that a Katie Fforde novel in any way could be described as a modern-day Austen cannot have read an Austen novel.

I don’t think you’re remotely unread for being disappointed, esp when things have been so tough and are only now improving. It’s thoughtless & lacking in care. What is unreasonable is you conflating reading crap books with being a grandmother! My children’s grandmother (despite being forced to leave school at 14) read only ‘good’ books, as do I (also now a grandmother). So give your partner a good kick into shape but dodge those ageist stereotypes while you’re at it!

He’s rubbish. Make your own birthday worthwhile - go out buy yourself a cake, and pick up the dress you like from Sainsbury's while you’re there. Order yourself two more presents - a decent book and your new pendent chain. Tomorrow take your DD out for breakfast just the two of you give her lots of praise for picking out the bracelet and then come home and do the cake with your DD. Enjoy the rest of your day. If your DH objects to any of that tough and make sure you buy him a card and nothing more for his next birthday.

YANBU. It's not just letting you down, it's letting your DD down too. She's of an age where she can possibly light the candles and definitely carry the birthday cake to mummy. But she can't do it unless your DH facilitates it.

My favourite bit of my birthday is the look of pure joy on my DS's face when he gets to do this for me. I couldn't care less about getting cake but I've told DH that there always has to be one because it matters to DS.

I have a husband who never buys me anything so for my birthday in February I went to bicester village on my own for the day and bought myself some.bits I needed. Job done. Sometimes you just need to buy what you need. I learnt a long time ago that my husband isn't the romantic type and is definitely not a mind reader. Also he hates shopping so it is something I have to do for myself it's not worth getting upset over imho. Different story if he used to be a good present buyer (mind never has been) and now is too lazy he should definitely do something to spoil you like cake / chocolates/ flowers however. If he doesn't I would read him the riot act. You don't have to be an English teacher to fund the idea of a mills and boon book offensive.

Tbf, you do have a full on birthday. You have friends coming and are out in the evening. At that stage of pregnancy, I would be exhausted with that.

I am notoriously bad at choosing presents. My dh was always moaning at them, no matter how hard I tried. I solved this ungratefulness by not getting them any more, and telling him to pick and order whatever he wanted himself.

FFS. She's potentially hours away from giving birth! Of course a trip away was not on the cards this year. It doesn't take an Einstein to see OP wouldn't be organising a birthday trip this year.

I’m really hopeful that you’re back here tomorrow saying you got it all wrong and he was teasing you.

that he has actually got you some meaningful gifts and a cake.

But he doesn't have to be a mind reader. If you live with someone, you could notice the bubble bath bottle is nearly empty; if you listen when your partner speaks you'll know the type of book they like. If they were from the DD that's completely fine and I'm sure the op would do a "delighted" face as needed, but that wouldn't mean the husband shouldn't also get her something more appropriate.

I've adjusted/lowered my expectations when it comes to this a long time ago. Most men are rubbish when it comes to things like this. Just buy yourself something you want.

Also to the pp saying the "most men are shit at this" actually I would disagree. Shit men are shit at this. Men who don't listen, don't care. My pp, who I don't live with, makes himself little keep notes on his phone of the particular make up shade I use, the bubble bath I love, the wine I particularly like (the actual specific one, not just white / red / Shiraz etc.) If I mention something is broken or worn out, he will turn up with a replacement or a solution, because he listens and cares. Men as a class, are not shit at this unless they actually dont care.

Thats so sad. Men as a species arent rubbish at buying gifts. Some men are thoughtless.

op, he doesnt care. Stop making a fuss about his birthday / fathers day / christmas. Do not buy for his side of the family, that’s his job. Dont even have it in your calendar.

and maybe also say you can celebrate your birthday on Sunday, so he has a day extra to do something less thoughtless and shit.

This. I wouldn't be helping DD mark Father's Day this year.

Yep he has been rubbish.

But going forward you need to have an honest and open conversation about events and presents.

You need to explain to him that certain things are important to you. DH couldn't care less about event days but knows that mothers day matters to me, and thus prioritises making sure that the kids make cards and bake a cake. He doesn't give two hoots about fathers day but I do it for him because I like to do so. He knows it matters to me.

And for Christmas/birthday we agree budgets in advance so there's no mismatch. Years we've been broke its been a tenner. More recently a bit more as a maximum budget.

But we have a conversation.

From your updates it seems that he's never bought you a birthday present, only flowers.

Surely you have had a conversation before now about it.

I'm always hopeful that my lottery numbers come up, but have been almost universally disappointed .

That's shit OP. I feel exactly the same about books and I'd be raging!

I would be really pissed off. They are insultingly crap presents. Personally I’d have a massive strop. And like others have said, zero on Father’s Day.

I had to laugh at this myself. I have a lit degree (and write myself) and I'll read any old shit 😂