To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

It's not lack of time, it's that he can't be bother. FFS, he could have gone on the M&S website and ordered you a nice cake and a bouquet of lovely flowers and it would have taken him literally ten minutes!

It's so comically bad, I'd have assumed he was actually taking the piss and a "real" present would appear later.

If it's not a joke gift, then I'm sorry he's so rubbish OP. Buy what you want yourself, out of any joint money if you can, then return the favour with a shitty present for his birthday and see how he likes it.

She is 9 months pregnant and can’t go away… he is capable of human thoughts so it’s pretty
obvious this year is different. It’s not like she’s changed her mind out of the blue, why should she have to think for him?

My husband never buys gifts and has enough money. I just spend that on what I want. I’m too old to change him. Quite frankly I don’t even get gifts of my adult daughter as she is too busy. I know exactly what I want. My only upset is having no sentimental jewellery when I die.

Op is beyond rude!

But she's the one with the under performing husband .....it's her lot in life....

Yep. Women who have any kind of standards about anything at all are stuck up, actually.

Although the term "love language" makes me want to die of cringe, it is quite a useful concept for this sort of stuff https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Some people express love through gifts. Some people just don't, and find the idea of doing so really baffling (like expressing love through planting radishes or eating toast). If you're in the first group, you find the way the second group acts quite hurtful. If you're in the second group, you find the way the first group acts quite odd. (I don't think this is a M/F thing at all- plenty of women give shit presents.)

OP, you are so much in the first group that you spent £500 getting things specially engraved and buying "daddy" gifts from an unborn child. Your husband isn't. If you want him to get you thoughtful gifts you need to spell it out, I mean really, really spell it out and why it matters to you. No hinting and thinking he ought to know.

He's a dick. When I was 7 months pregnant DH got me a body shop basket for my birthday and I felt so disregarded. Here I was growing our baby, feeling like I was running a marathon every day, in the first flush of marriage and he got me a fucking basket of soap (love body shop, not the issue).

Must be a joke present surely? He knows you are a literary book lover. Has he got a sense of humour? I reckon he's also got you a lovely cloth bound classic or two 🤞

Are you cleverer than he is?
Does he make "jokes" about you making him feel stupid.
There's something almost aggressive about those books knowing how you love literature.

What has he done for previous birthdays.

yanbu to be irritated, I think the crying is, um, a bit much but I get why x

I think you’re in for a nice surprise tomorrow. Best wishes

she knows you like books and is too young to know you're so stuck up about them

It is not stuck up to have preferences for certain types of books . A very young child might indeed have said 'I like the picture on this one, can we get it for Mummy?' but as 'D'H was going to pay, that was his cue to say 'It is a nice picture, but it's not the kind of story Mummy likes' and get her to look at something else, more appropriate. I can hardly believe this needs spelling out.

I'm very sorry, OP. That all sounds really dispiriting (to put it mildly). I hope you do in the end have a nice day. Good luck with the birth.

Click ‘see all’ on OPs posts

Many, if not most, men I know do not care about giving or receiving gifts.
I don’t think you can teach them to care.

You are not being unreasonable if your dh knows the books that you like. However does he know what you would consider ‘high brow’ enough to be acceptable?

What you are unreasonable about is to describe the books as ‘granny’ books - that is a massively ageist comment and implies all sorts of negative things (using your own definition) about people’s reading tastes etc above a certain age. They are books not to your taste - and that is fine - but they are not ‘granny’ books. m&B have a large readership of many different ages and backgrounds. The grannies I know would all read books you’d approve of. As a lover of books / language you know words have meaning so should be chosen with care!

Also YABU to moan about the bracelet chosen by your daughter.

This is really crappy of him. This has been such a horrible, stressful time for you both with the pregnancy (especially for you). I can relate first hand to a high risk pregnancy and all of the appointments and scans that come with it. It’s a rollercoaster you can’t ever get off. I’m so sorry you’ve been having this experience as well.

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I feel like I’m going to be wrong - is there a chance he’s bought the books for you as a laugh? As they’re so ridiculous and so obviously nothing you’d ever be interested in? Maybe he has your real present stashed away and this is just supposed to be a bit of fun. I really really hope so.

I would be upset if I was in your shoes. You sound like a very thoughtful, caring person, and it’s not unreasonable to expect the same from your husband. Especially as you’ve endured 9 months of pregnancy - you should be getting extra special treatment in my opinion. Such a ridiculous excuse from him, he’s putting the blame back on you for his thoughtlessness. Does my head in when men do this.

Treat yourself to another pregnancy massage, that dress in sainsburys and so much more. Whatever you want. If he won’t spoil you, then spoil yourself.

Btw your daughter sounds just absolutely lovely 💛

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, wishing you a safe birth of your little one 💛

Unless he gives you something thoughtful on the day, I would sit down with him and inform him that, as he cant be bothered, you should just stop buying presents for each other. Perhaps no more bday/father’s day/Christmas surprises will make him reconsider and change his ways, or, if not, at least you won’t feel compelled to expend effort for him and be disappointed with his lack of reciprocity.

Also there is nothing wrong with M&B - it may not be to your taste but don’t be rude about those who do like it.

Unless you specifically love Mills and Boon and collect them or something I would regard that present as a calculated insult, if it isn’t a misguided joke? I suppose there are people who don’t read fiction at all and vaguely regard it as all the same, is he one of those? Seeing the words “classic romance” on the cover and thinking “aha just the job”?

The idea that you’d buy your spouse a birthday gift shouldn’t be baffling even if it’s not your ‘love language’. Gift giving is not mine AT ALL. I hate sentimental shit, wouldn’t want a massive fuss and don’t see the need for pricy presents but some acknowledgment and appreciation is still required. It’s basic level stuff along the same lines as don’t turn up empty handed when you’re invited for dinner and call your mum on Mother’s Day. The waterstone’s book pick of the week plus an m&s cake and flowers, maybe a some supermarket bubble bath- very little effort for the DH and OP sounds like she would have been happy with that. If Mills and Boon isn’t a joke decoy then IMO he’s an unappreciative dick, not confused because his love language is different.