To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

Can you take your DP at his word and ask if he feels you should no longer insult him with materialistic gifts on his birthday?

I see the "Oh, poor men, they just can't do stuff like this! It's unreasonable to expect them to care about their partner! If you want a birthday present you should just buy it for yourself, not expect the person who loves to best in the world to do it! Don't be so selfish-he's busy!" brigade are out in force!

Totally agree with this.

I had a DH who got worse and worse at gifts over the years. Eventually I realised I was getting resentful about the effort I was putting in when getting nothing in return so I just stopped putting in effort back and my gifts to him became pretty lack luster and last minute. Took 12 - 18 months but I think he eventually realised and now he gets me really thoughtful stuff. It's not always expensive and it's not always quite what I'd choose for myself, but it's definitely thoughtful and makes me feel loved and appreciated.

Nah don’t ask him now.

wait till his birthday and when he gets upset about no birthday a couple of ratty mills and boons and a plastic tiara from a charity shop then quote his word back to him.

Oh dear. Was he trying to be funny?

When DH and I have been overwhelmed (such as after birth of a child) we’ve previously agreed to skip presents or just to give gift vouchers to take the pressure off. However, this has been jointly agreed. We wouldn’t just get presents the other wouldn’t like.

I'm fairly certain that this man thought enough of the OP to do nice things for her when they were dating as I doubt OP would have married him with this performance. I think he doesn't want to buy gifts, he seems very resentful and even for his daughter's sake, he could have gone to a shop with her to buy something nice for her mother. He didn't.

The OP mentioned books to explain what she particularly likes. I don't feel the same about books but I'm a perfume 'snob' so nobody would just buy me a perfume from a charity shop because there's every chance it would be a complete waste... other than to put me in my place. It sounds to me as if that's what OP's husband wanted to do - put her in her place. He's done absolutely nothing for her. No time or financial pressures and everything to gain from showing some care. He actively chose none of that.

My husband and I don't buy gifts for each other, not for birthday or Christmas because we have everything we want but, through the year, we get things for each that the other one really likes. Everybody's relationship is different but OP's is making her unhappy. Even on here, tone deaf posters are telling her to buy her own stuff when what she really wanted was for her husband to think of what she wanted and show her that she matters to him.

I wouldn't forget it. I would stop gift-buying altogether only for the child(ren), and I would think about whether I wanted to be in this relationship where my partner actively worked hard to not hit any of the things I wanted and called me materialistic. Not good enough, not be a long shot.

You're worth more, OP.

Ditto. If my DH gave me Mills & Boon he'd get a flea in his ear.

I've no idea what he was thinking. I suspect he wasn't thinking at all and needs a good shake.

Amazing how many people are hung up on the Stuck up about books.

That was said in ref to the daughter who may not know mom's high standards.

Anywhere else bringing in your degree gets you derided. And having a degree doesn't mean squat about what you like to read. I have a lit degree. My favourite genre is still teen lit and I do like a trashy romance sometimes.

FWIW, if he did pick them and doesn't get you anything or any surprises then you aren't being unreasonable. As I said, it's a bit unreasonable until the day has passed and you know for sure.

Also, people trashing the bracelet? OP has said DD chose that. She's 5 and saw something she liked and picked herself. Shut up.

Honestly OP I think after reading your updates you're being a bit unreasonable.

You said the last few years you've booked a trip away or something so the 'done' thing in your relationship is for you to make the arrangements for your birthday. This year you expected that to change but it doesn't appear that you communicated that.

What else would you expect from someone with an MA In literature? That’s not being stuck up. It’s called discernment.

What has he bought you or organised for you in previous years? Is this a big change in behaviour or normal for him?

What's a 'granny' book?

I actually failed to spot a green flag for my husband before we started dating. We were at university, freshers, and he tagged along to a shopping trip with our group, because his mum's birthday was coming up, and he needed to buy her a bracelet and post it in good time.

He is definitely the one who is good at presents, cards and generosity. (I am great at Christmas, but, erm, unpunctual when it comes to birthdays)

@MayBeeJuneSoon I am guessing she means what the publishing world calls "saga" fiction. Often set in the "olden days" - 1st or 2nd World War is a popular plot. The characters are usually young women - such as 20 year olds who join the WAAF and then has a romance with a nice pilot. Called "granny" fiction because older ladies like them - but the characters are never old.
Many of these books are actually a decent story.

I understand your frustration at the choice of books OP- I would be pissed off too.
BUT please don't use the awful and frankly condescending term 'granny books'! It's so lazy and ageist. Do you think we older Mumnetters all wear beige and only read KatieFforde/Sophie Kinsella chick lit?

Maybe your daughter picked the books as well as the bracelet? She's 5 so she possibly thinks books are just books and you'd like them? Are they from her, not from him? But presumably he'd just say that, if he had something organised from himself. Very poor form if he hasn't bothered. I'd be upset too.

I send DH the link the of things I want and I hope to get some of them. It means he doesn’t have to guess and I am not disappointed.

It sounds like your DH has been lazy here and that’s rubbish. Your pregnant with. Second child which you are carrying for you both.

Go to waitrose and by a bouquet (£10-25) Buy a Victoria sponge (£8-12) . Cards and some balloons ( £5) and then
special gift . Not hard.

if you are disappointed tomorrow Id make it very clear you feel under valued and that this is not acceptable.
You must pull him up on it .

You say money isn’t an issue so to me this reeks of laziness.

There are some people who just cannot stand someone else being the focus of attention when it comes to special days. They just can't being themselves to put themselves out for anyone else, it's pure resentment.

The only thing you can do is either buy yourself and accept that things won't change or tell them that gift giving will not happen for each other going forward for any special day. A nice card does. That way, nobody can be accused of being materialistic.

What you dont do is carry on spoiling them, watching them accept stuff from you and feel upset when they don't return the favour

Treat yourself to something nice, and tell him that if birthdays are so unimportant he needn't expect anything when his birthday comes round.

Can't believe people are focusing on the bloody books. This place man 🙄

Even if your clueless at presents - buy a nice bottle of perfume , book a massage , book a spa day , voucher for make up / take partner out for breakfast . Not hard .

A fully grown man knows this !! He is taking the piss!!!!!

YABU for using the term ‘low brow granny type books’.
I’m a granny. Am I supposed to read these, or can I still read ‘proper books’?
Less of the ageist shit.
Otherwise YANBU.

What is the point in that? Might as well just buy it herself.

Don't give any heed to the 'materialistic' comment. That's just a standard technique of attacking you as a form of defence when he knows he's in the wrong.

I HAD a husband like yours. I didn’t put up with it, but more importantly, I taught my DD that this kind of behaviour is not to be tolerated. It’s the lack of thoughtfulness, not the value.
So no. I don’t think YABU.