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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is not the type of thing you say to a friend?

111 replies

RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:33

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

OP posts:

thaegumathteth · 26/05/2023 10:01

Also OP - so you've joined this club where your friend was already a member. Now she either has or hasn't said something offensive and you've went round asking other people at the club about it rather than messaging or speaking to her?

That's MUCH more not ok than some offhand remark tbh.

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2023 10:48

Maybe she feels you've muscled in on her 'thing

SilverTotoro · 26/05/2023 11:08

If you consider this person a good friend why would you assume it was said in a critical way when you can’t even remember the context of the comment. Similarly has your friend said anything that would suggest that they are jealous of you gaining praise from an instructor. Most adults who do non competitive hobbies are not jealous of an instructor praising a new starter. If you really think your friend is not a friend then distance yourself, but based only on what you’ve written in your comments it’s not clear that is the case.

JulieHoney · 26/05/2023 11:09

So she had a hobby, it was her thing, you joined it recently and are doing well and getting praise, you are both competitive and she made a snide remark because she feels you’ve muscled in on her “thing”.

Petty, but also kind of human.

You massively overreacted by freezing, going bright red and well up, and ruminating on it for ages.

You know she

JulieHoney · 26/05/2023 11:11

Side note - if you are both being competitive in a non-competitive activity, you are both to blame for any bad feeling. Not everything has to have a winner.

AWhaleSwamBy · 26/05/2023 11:23

I think she is very competitive, and it is a problem because I am too

Well there you are then. It's not nice to call someone out on it but being competitive can be annoying to other people. Are you annoyed to be called out on a characteristic that you admit you have? Is there a reason you reacted in such an extreme way. How do you take criticism usually? No one likes being criticised but it happens to most people from time to time.

I'm not competitive but I play sport very wholeheartedly. Sometimes people comment that I'm competitive and I'm glad because I can point out that I may be enthusiastic but I am a good sportsman and happy to loose. I only play for fun.

MichelleScarn · 26/05/2023 17:13

Am sure I remember a similar thread, but from the friend who was a long standing member of 'the hobby' who was pissed off that their friend was joining all of their hobbies!

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/11/2023 19:31

Why didn't you ask: What way is that?

junbean · 01/11/2023 19:39

I hate it when I freeze and then I'm forever wondering what they meant. Definitely ask your "friend" what that meant asap or it will be too late. I'm still wondering what was meant by a remark my ex made over a year ago and obvs it's too late and I'll never know. Don't be like me, ask! I think what she says and how she says it will tell you if she's really a friend or not. Or maybe it will lead to a talk that clears the air. It's sad you were enjoying yourself then that happened, and no one apologized! That's just rank! If your situation with "friend" doesn't improve, chalk it up to as you said- 12yo behavior and please continue to enjoy your new hobby!

Fionaville · 01/11/2023 19:44

It's impossible to say without knowing the context.
"The way you are" could mean your always putting yourself out by helping people. Or you're super organised. Or you run yourself ragged for your family. Or you're really confident or commit to things fully.
It could literally mean anything.

5128gap · 01/11/2023 19:52

You need to ask them what they meant. What way do they think you are? Personally if there was a 'way' my good friend thought I was, I'd want to be told. Then I could consider whether they might have a point or not, if there was a misunderstanding, or if there was something I maybe needed to rein in a little. I'd rather that than go around inadvertently doing something that irritated or upset other people.

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