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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is not the type of thing you say to a friend?

111 replies

RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:33

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

OP posts:
Mardiarse · 25/05/2023 21:35

Does it have to be negative, could they have been referring to the positive traits you’ve mentioned about yourself ?

SeasonFinale · 25/05/2023 21:37

Without the context of what you are talking about we can't say.

usedtobeasizeten · 25/05/2023 21:42

What was the conversation?

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2023 21:44

What about the way you are?

Kingdedede · 25/05/2023 21:46

Yeah they could have said ‘you would do anything for anybody because of the way you are’

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/05/2023 21:46

RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:33

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

What was the context? I'd say that term of phrase for non negative things too e.g talking about someone taking advantage as you're to nice etc

Original poster
RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:47

Sorry to be so vague. I can't even remember the conversation. It was about some mundane everyday thing. That's why it threw me so much. I wasn't in a debate about something heavy. It just came out of nowhere and felt like a massive dig for no reason.

It was definitely said in a very bitchy way. I really can't think of a valid reason why I am "they way you are". I even asked a few very close friends who would tell me straight and they said it was bullshit.

OP posts:
gardendream · 25/05/2023 21:48

The important bit about this is that you were offended. So what part of your ego has been bruised by this?

You can be good friend and kind, loyal etc and still have not so good parts - we’re all a mixture.

The comment could be a compliment in a way - that they see you clearly and know you well. Maybe their view could be valuable to you?

People won’t automatically treat you how you want to be treated - we all have different preferences and values, so if you don’t like the way they spoke to you it’s okay to tell them that and discuss how you’d prefer to be spoken to.

ChiChaNaYubi · 25/05/2023 21:49

This makes no sense if you don’t tell us the context!

lardida · 25/05/2023 21:49

It does sound odd

gardendream · 25/05/2023 21:49

Sorry cross posted with you - good you’ve been able to cross reference with other people.

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:49

You're overthinking this massively.

You can't even remember the context the comment was made in, for God's sake!

Kingdedede · 25/05/2023 21:50

Maybe the way you are is that you forget details of conversations then 🤷🏻‍♀️

pizzaHeart · 25/05/2023 21:51

SeasonFinale · 25/05/2023 21:37

Without the context of what you are talking about we can't say.

This^

Maddy70 · 25/05/2023 21:51

This is nonsense. Massively over thinking

DanceMonster · 25/05/2023 21:51

If you can’t even remember the conversation, it can’t have been on your mind too much?

swanling · 25/05/2023 21:51

I even asked a few very close friends who would tell me straight and they said it was bullshit.

Well then.

Original poster
RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:52

The important bit about this is that you were offended.

I was offended, went beetroot red and welled up. I felt humiliated and glued to the spot. They did notice and if I had heard it wrong, could have corrected it, but they didn't.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 25/05/2023 21:54

You must know the context of how they said it ie is it in terms of being sensitive, angry, late, etc. ‘how you are’ is very vague and can’t comment without the context really. Maybe you just don’t want to say

waitingondr · 25/05/2023 21:54

It's difficult to respond fully when not knowing the context, but the thing is that you're sure they deliberately hurt you which isn't good coming from friends.
I had a similar experience recently where a couple of friends were belittling. A fringe who witnessed it says they do it because of my nice soft nature. In other words, I'm an easy target.

Gingergirl70 · 25/05/2023 21:55

I'm not sure I understand how you can be so offended and still obsessing about it now if you can't even remember what was being talked about and in what context the comment was made. If I was offended by something to the point I was asking other friends to reassure me and then still posting about it on MN, I'm pretty sure I'd remember the conversation the insult arose from

waitingondr · 25/05/2023 21:55

Friend, not fringe!

Testina · 25/05/2023 21:55

How could your other friends say it was bullshit when you can’t provide any context at all?!

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:58

Was it about you taking things to heart?

RoseLee04 · 25/05/2023 21:59

It is unfortunate that you can't remember the details of the conversation. I am a pretty sensitive person and am guilty of taking things too personally sometimes, such that I do tend to remember the context in which something was said. Based on what you say, it sounds like you are not used to criticism or no one has ever said "boo" to you before. As someone close to me once said, be prepared for the fact that not everyone is going to be a fan of you or think you're amazing. I am not by any means saying that you deserve criticism or that your friends should put you down in any way, but there is a general truth that sometimes we do not see ourselves the way others do (even if negative perceptions are based on their own insecurity, jealousy etc.). A someone above pointed out, our own ego can influence how we take things.

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