AIBU to think this is not the type of thing you say to a friend?

[RumminatingOverThis]

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

I’m sorry this happened to you, YANBU - if they used a tone of voice that came across as harsh or judgmental, that’s bound to have really upset you. And the other “friend” joining in too - horrid. Keep your distance and stick with real friends who make you feel you can be yourself without being judged x

Why are you making things up?

The OP said 'Offhand' not 'snide or critical'.

I’m not - their tone was jarring enough to upset her. And this wasn’t usual, as it took her by surprise.

Not necessarily, I’ve had friends “hear” something that was not what was said.

Without the context this means nothing. I'm in a group of friends and we often tease 'the way you are' in terms of one of us always being late, another being a bit of a control freak (🙋🏻‍♀️) and so on, but we each accept that we all have flaws and despite the teasing we love and respect each other anyway.

That said, if the recipient was clearly upset by it we'd notice and react.

How can you have been 'humiliated, gone beetroot and welled up' written a post on a public forum and yet not remember the context. I am going to take a wild punt here and say 'because of the way you are over thinking things and being hyper sensitive we have to be careful about what we say in case you blow it out of proportion'. OR 'because of the way you are being so forgetful, it's difficult making plans because you never remember important details'

it’s obvious it wasn’t a nice flattering lovely comment

why is this obvious? All we have are

1. the words- which could mean anything from a compliment , a joke , an expression of affection/ familiarity , a dig.
2. the fact that OP got upset. It’s possible that op got upset because the comment was mean, it’s also possible that she was being oversensitive and misinterpreted the intention . Without the context there is no way to tell. The fact that OP doesn’t remember the context is itself curious .

said in a snide way
how do you know? Were you there?

YABU to say you were so traumatised by the comment but can't remember what the comment was referring to.

Just giving us those words alone, then yes, YABU, as others have said, as that you could be part of an insult, a compliment, or just a basic observation in a non-offensive way.
Potentially the implication wasn't nice, but in that case why wouldn't you say "Oi! What do you mean by that?". You say you were out with friends, not meeting new people for the first time. If your friends say something that sounds odd, you ask them what they mean, so YWBU not to do so.

Without knowing what it’s about how can you know this was a dig… could have been ‘everyone gets on with you so easily… because of the way you are’
if these are your actual friends then the logical answer is that of course they aren’t going to be making a casual callous dig at your expense, and you’ve misinterpreted what they’ve said/why they said it..

why are you judging them so quickly, do they have form in this area? If so, then they are not your friends!

Have you any idea about what they might have meant?

Yeah … this doesn’t make any sense at all in the way you’ve told it.

Don’t be so bloody ill-informed. Go and read up on emotional trauma from psychologists and doctors who have studied it for years at academic level.

And @NewPinkJacket see my post above about how this isn’t some ‘massive’ thing.

God, some of you are just determined to be cruel and judgemental and come across as very poorly educated. The way you fling your ill-informed views around is frankly damaging and part of the reason social media can be so detrimental to people’s well-being.

And yet you cannot remember the conversation? 🤷‍♀️

Nobody can possibly answer your question unless you can remember and provide the context. We are all a particular way, the comment “the way you are” could be said to anybody and definitely not be an insult.

Perhaps be a bit cautious around these two people until you have decided if they are really your friends or not.

You're right, real friends wouldn't put you down like that to be cruel.

I do wonder if you misheard/misunderstood because of the total lack of context around this, but you may be right, so caution rather than cutting them off or ignoring them.

Meanwhile, let this go. It's not worth the headspace.

And some people over use serious medical / physiological conditions to diagnose people they're never met, often on scant evidence, to the detriment of anyone who genuinely suffers from these conditions.

"Trauma response" ffs!

Thank you, Dr Armchair.

OK, so I'm not sure if this is putting it more into context.

I do a hobby with these women. Some of them have been doing it for years. I joined a few months ago, and I am good at it. One of the women in the group I class as a really good friend and I think she is upset because I a joined and am getting positive affirmations from the person running the group when it was her "thing".

All I can remember was feeling on a high after the session, having lunch with them, and we were talking about nothing in particluar.

The conversation was as insignificant as something like Oh, I am going to Lidl after this, I need some croissants or I am taking my DC swimming after school. Of course I must have said something to prompt the response of "because of the way you are", but I genuinely cannot remember what it was.

The reason I was so upset was because I thought this woman was a good friend. I l know she has a bit of a nasty streak, but didn't think I'd ever warrant being on the receiving end. She was clearly upset about something I'd possibly done earlier. I think she is very competitive, and it is a problem because I am too. The other person wasn't even involved but was listening and joined in like a 12 year old to repeat "yeah, because of the way you are".

I think the psychologist upthread is not totally off the mark. I was bullied a bit when younger and it brought back those feelings of freezing on he spot and feeling dizzy.

I don’t really understand the issue. You don’t remember what the conversation was but you’re offended that they should say because of the way you are.

If it bothered you, would you not remember the context? I’m really puzzled by this one tbh.

If someone said to be because of the way I am, I’d think it was in ways that I am different to them eg because I get involved with charity work, am always studying or learning a new skill, protective of my children probably to a fault, my more traditional values compared to most of my friends, the way I’m like a dog with a bone etc. I wouldn’t be offended by the phrase because of how I am because we are all different and although my pursuits and the way I live my life isn’t how some of my friends do they obviously still like me! I’d probably just nod and agree because my friends know me well!

Are you sensitive about something? In denial about something? Embarrassed by the way you may have handled something in the past and so feel it was a reference to that?

The context is important:

You did a wonderful job at looking after the women who fell off her bike, but that's just the way you are.

You got in a row with someone at the train station over nothing, well that's just the way you are.

Over-reaction. You can't even remember what you were talking about so you can't so confidently say it was definitely a dig.

If you don't remember what she said then it probably wasn't anything bad, just that she said it in a sour way.

I agree that mildly critical comments can be made in a humorous/affectionate way or a way that is intended to sting, and it sounds like this was the latter. You believe this is because you are getting on better with the yoga or badminton than she did when she started, so you already know she was just grumpy, and can dismiss it on that basis. If she made a habit of it you would need to call her attention to it, but if it was a one-off I would outwardly ignore but aim to be even better at the yoga/badminton next week .

Completely depends on the context OP, it's not offensive unless the thing "you are" is something bad. If you can't even remember what it was, it can't have been that bad.

If you can't provide any more context I'm sorry to say it does sound like you've just been really oversensitive.

It’s very hard to follow this without any context of what ‘the way you are’ actually means.

What does stand out though is your avoidance of accepting that you may have any negative traits. We all do, some of them may even be ambiguous and what some may perceive as negative others would regard as a positive. That’s ok.

You’re digging very deeply into a remark that doesn’t appear to have much substance and as a result you’re unable to reconcile it because you’ve ascribed more meanings to it than actually exist. You’re the only person who can confirm that either yes this is the way you are and thats something you can work on or you’re happy with or it was a complete misrepresentation of you and you can either disregard it or figure out why people view you that way.

if all you can concentrate on is the actual words ‘that’s the way you are’ then I’m not really sure there is anything you can do with that. it’s too vague and doesn’t tell you or anyone else anything about you.

How did you present it to the people who confirmed to you that it’s not right?

Back to your original question, yes friends do comment like that to each other ime. It’s usually in an accepting ‘warts and all’ kind of way.

So you think this woman is a bit jealous of you I think she is upset because I a joined and am getting positive affirmations from the person running the group when it was her "thing".
And you say she's not really a nice person I l know she has a bit of a nasty streak, but didn't think I'd ever warrant being on the receiving end.
Is it likely that this is affecting your view of the situation?

Yes this.

You won't accept there could be any truth in a comment, you're very over sensitive and now you are saying she's jealous of you.

Take time out OP and really have a look at what you're doing and feeling.

I've read all of this and I still don't understand what's going on!
How is anyone on here meant to know what she meant? Have you asked her? Why don't you message her and tell her how you felt and you would like some clarity?