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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is not the type of thing you say to a friend?

111 replies

RumminatingOverThis · 25/05/2023 21:33

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

OP posts:
gardendream · 25/05/2023 22:46

Yes but it's not very normal to then ask other friends rather than the friends who actually said it, and then completely forget the context while asking the internet.

This is all very normal in a trauma response. Fear of going back to the source/hearing the feared ‘truth’ is natural if it’s referring to a piece of ourselves that we’ve denied/rejected/disowned because of pain in the past.

Dibbydoos · 25/05/2023 22:47

To upset you OP, they must have said it in a besmeeching way, which doesn't mean you're anything other than lively, it means they're jealous.

I wouldn't say anything like that to a friend nor would I expect a friend to say that and then others to gang up. Its horrible behaviour.

But ask yourself, do you value their friendship? If you do ask them what they meant and tell them it really upset you. You'll know if they're friends by how they respond.

Good luck OP x

Hamfish · 25/05/2023 22:48

Were you drunk? I can’t comprehend otherwise how something was so upsetting and offensive that you welled up but now have no idea what it was.

It really makes no sense. And does make me thing maybe
‘That’s the way you are’

DanceMonster · 25/05/2023 22:51

gardendream · 25/05/2023 22:46

Yes but it's not very normal to then ask other friends rather than the friends who actually said it, and then completely forget the context while asking the internet.

This is all very normal in a trauma response. Fear of going back to the source/hearing the feared ‘truth’ is natural if it’s referring to a piece of ourselves that we’ve denied/rejected/disowned because of pain in the past.

But if she couldn’t remember the context, how would the other friends have been able to form a judgement on what was said? Surely they’d have been as confused as we are?

ladydimitrescu · 25/05/2023 22:52

This makes no sense, you must know the context to have started almost crying on the spot? It's really bizarre

Respberrypachouli · 25/05/2023 22:54

In my culture we have a saying “you cannot offend a person if that person doesn’t want to get offended”. I live by this saying and it helps tremendously.
Anything can be seen as offensive if taken the wrong way, try to have more positive perspective.

EggInANest · 25/05/2023 22:58

I think that you should ask one of them to clarify. In a quiet moment and preferably just the two of you, and say you were confused or unsure what was meant by the comment, and could they explain so that you can have a think about it.

It might turn out that they were complimenting you, that they were making an observation that you could usefully think about, or that they are being nasty.

You need to know which it is.

NewPinkJacket · 25/05/2023 22:59

gardendream · 25/05/2023 22:46

Yes but it's not very normal to then ask other friends rather than the friends who actually said it, and then completely forget the context while asking the internet.

This is all very normal in a trauma response. Fear of going back to the source/hearing the feared ‘truth’ is natural if it’s referring to a piece of ourselves that we’ve denied/rejected/disowned because of pain in the past.

Oh come on, let's not make it out to be some massive traumatic experience.

If the OP's 'trauma' has wiped her memory completely, she'll either have to ask them what they meant or move on.

She's had weeks in which to ping them a quick message. If she doesn't want to that's fine, but no-one here can reasonably help her if we don't know the context.

CheezePleeze · 25/05/2023 23:00

ladydimitrescu · 25/05/2023 22:52

This makes no sense, you must know the context to have started almost crying on the spot? It's really bizarre

I'd bet my house on the fact she does.

NewPinkJacket · 25/05/2023 23:02

Dibbydoos · 25/05/2023 22:47

To upset you OP, they must have said it in a besmeeching way, which doesn't mean you're anything other than lively, it means they're jealous.

I wouldn't say anything like that to a friend nor would I expect a friend to say that and then others to gang up. Its horrible behaviour.

But ask yourself, do you value their friendship? If you do ask them what they meant and tell them it really upset you. You'll know if they're friends by how they respond.

Good luck OP x

I'm not sure what besmeeching means (and yes I have Googled) but how on earth did you get 'jealous' from the tiny bit of information given?

stayathomer · 25/05/2023 23:03

Surely you should be able to say that sort of things to friends? Nobody is perfect and friends take you flaws and all.

Nearamir · 25/05/2023 23:06

I’m honestly not trying to be mean here, but were they perhaps referring to the fact that you get easily offended and overreact?

Lovingitallnow · 25/05/2023 23:06

It's impossible to know if it's an unkind statement without the context. My friend and I would say things like this regularly, she's has bucketloads of integrity and as a result holds people to a high standard which they often fall short of so I remind her that that's just the way she is - ie most of us don't have that level of integrity. I have an unusual though process, I'll flick through several topics in a few seconds and draw very tenuous links which seem as clear as day to me and she'll sometimes remind me that's just how I am. Neither of us mean it in a derogatory way. They're values that we admire in each other.

thaegumathteth · 25/05/2023 23:06

I think you should chilll out a bit. This isn't a big deal especially given you can't remember the context. Welling up and feeling glued to the spot is an odd reaction - are you always sensitive ? Maybe they were referring to that?

Freeballing · 25/05/2023 23:10

I'm also pretty confused. Because of the way you are could mean you are too nice, go out of your way to help people too much, put other people before yourself too often, always help out in a crisis, people trust you, people open up to you, there are so many things it can mean that aren't something to cry over. I don't understand how other friends can reassure that you aren't that way when you don't even know what way you were accused of being.

YouTarzan · 25/05/2023 23:16

I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour

That's not necessarily because there's nothing wring with your behaviour. Maybe people just sense that you can't handle feedback and will over react?

TeaParty4Me · 25/05/2023 23:16

Nearamir · 25/05/2023 23:06

I’m honestly not trying to be mean here, but were they perhaps referring to the fact that you get easily offended and overreact?

Lol honestly I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

OP you either remember the conversation and you’re not saying because it paints you in a bad light.
Or you genuinely can’t remember the conversation and therefore it wasn’t as big of an issue as you are saying.

Either way YABU.

I do agree with the PP that you are probably way too sensitive and easy to offend which is perhaps what your friends were pointing out to you.

DoAWheelie · 25/05/2023 23:19

This is screaming "missing, missing reasons" to me.

ladydimitrescu · 25/05/2023 23:20

@gardendream trauma response???? Really???? Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/05/2023 23:22

Fuuuuck, some posters are being deliberately obtuse.

A comment like this, with no proper context, said in a snide/critical tone, is obviously an attempt to be undermining.

If it had been in relation to something positive it would have been obvious from intonation and facial expression - and it obviously wasn’t.

OP I have no advice other than to defend yourself around these particular people and if they say anything further, calmly question them.

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 23:25

Without context this is just a guessing game 🤣

But you say "I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. "

You do realise that that means nothing right? People still say shit behind your back

MsRosley · 25/05/2023 23:26

All you need to remember, OP, is that these women saw you were clearly upset and didn't even attempt to make you feel any better. That tells you something very important about a person.

It's not you, it's them. Dump their nasty bitch arses and try not to give it any more thought.

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 23:26

Because you sound overly sensitive
Maybe that's what they were saying

Mirabai · 25/05/2023 23:27

I don’t understand how you could be this upset about something you don’t recall the context of.

It could be, for the sake of argument, that it was a positive comment you inferred to be negative because of the personal element.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/05/2023 23:30

Christ. It’s obvious it wasn’t a nice flattering lovely comment 🙄 and the OP can’t remember the context because the comment didn’t make any real sense in relation to the mild chit chat going on, which she has stated. It stood out in the conversation because it was shoehorned in and said in a snide way.

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