AIBU to think this is not the type of thing you say to a friend?

[RumminatingOverThis]

A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends and we were talking about something unimportant and one of them said to me in a very offhand tone "because of the way you are". Then another "friend" joined in and repeated it. At the time I should have asked what they meant by that but I was so shocked and hurt that I just went really red and welled up and was pretty speechless.

I think that if I wasn't a nice person, or had some other poor qualities like being tightfisted, a gossip or unreliable then I can see why this warrants this comment. But I have got to middle age, and no one has ever given me any feedback on anything negative about my behaviour. In fact, it is the opposite. I have been told that I am a very kind, and loyal person many, many times and a very good friend.

This comment keeps popping up in my head and I am ruminating over it. These women aren't exactly covered in glory themselves TBH but with friends you don't mind some idiosyncrasies if in general they are more nice than not. I just don't think I would say to someone in an off hand tone "because of the way you are". I don't see them talking to anyone else like this and it has got me thinking that maybe they just see me as someone they can belittle.

AIBU in thinking that this is not how you speak to friends?

Are you sure this didn’t happen before they made that comment?

I had a similar experience recently where a couple of friends were belittling. A fringe who witnessed it says they do it because of my nice soft nature. In other words, I'm an easy target.

I think this is what it is. There is NO WAY these women would speak to some of the others I was with like this. I do think they think I am soft target.

I honestly can't remember the exact conversation. It was probably something about our DC's school and I said something in passing, but all of a sudden I heard the comment and remember it not even being relevant to the conversation and it was all a bit bizarre. I just sat there thinking what the hell just happened.

Had you all been drinking? Freezing and welling up is a massive overreaction when you don't even know what was said. Had you been talking about another time when something small made you cry?

It's impossible to say without context but was it regarding something very specific you've got a bee in your bonnet about rather than 'because you're unpleasant/ hot tempered'?

For example, 'i was a bit hurt not being invited to Sue's coronation bbq' 'Oh, but it was because of how you are', if you were a rampant anti- monarchist.

No one is perfect and we all have flaws, so it is obvious that you do too.

The fact that you can’t even remember the conversation sounds like it’s a non issue and they weren’t saying it in a bitchy way else you would have definitely remembered.

If you can’t stop thinking about it then give them a text and ask them about it.

To be honest, I'm still baffled. I don't understand how this can have been so upsetting that you are still upset about it, you vividly remember the way in which the words were said, you discussed it with other people afterwards, but you don't remember the context.

If "the way you are" implied something along the lines of "the way you are is an unreasonable cow who is unbearably rude" or "the way you are is thick", then yes, that is clearly upsetting. But if it implied something like "the way you are is very generous/sensitive/shy" that is something else. And there are gradations in the middle that are either more or less insensitive.

But if friends whose opinion you care about tell you it's bullshit, then to be honest I would believe them and ditch the ones who've upset you.

You got teary over a conversation that you now can’t remember? That’s a fairly extreme reaction.

If they are not nice just avoid them in future and sit with other people in the group.

It sounds like their comment drew attention to a part of you that you’re ashamed of.

It’s interesting you’ve forgotten the details too - when we’re ashamed of things we can suppress/deny them to stop ourselves from feeling the pain of them.

I think you’re having a trauma response (emotional trauma). It’s maybe a part of yourself that you like to keep very hidden. It isn’t necessary a bad aspect of your character but it might be one that was shamed or not liked by e.g. parents in early childhood.

You say you feel like a soft target - that’s quite common for people who have experienced emotional neglect/trauma. Many of us have btw - don’t hear the word ‘trauma’ and think it might be some big bad awful thing, but we all experience non-optimal upbringings that can cause us to deny aspects of ourselves which is a sort of shattering/fragmentation of our selves.

This! It’s impossible to say whether it was kind, affectionate, rude, honest, bitchy or anything without the context!! If you can’t even remember the context that says a lot- suggests that the real issue here is you being excessively self conscious and overly sensitive, such that regardless of context, it would come across to you as a criticism.

So you've asked a few other people rather than the actual people who said it?

YABU, even if you were 'shocked and hurt and speechless', you could've messaged them rather than asking other people.

None of this makes sense.

'because of the way you are'
Refers to something.... But you don't know what the something is? Eh?

Sorry, forgot to add 'humiliated and glued to the spot' 😳

PS ignore the comments that say you’re overreacting etc - you feel however you feel, and it’s okay to feel what you feel.

It might feel like a very big or ‘global’ reaction because it’s touching on some childhood trauma. Feelings feel very big to us when we’re children, especially if it’s something you were left alone with or not supported with, so when these things pop up in adulthood it can almost feel like you’re being overwhelmed again. Even though now you know perfectly well you’re an adult and can cope!

This is quite mad. How can you have been so immediately offended and upset when you don’t actually know what they were talking about, and can’t remember the context?

As a phrase it’s completely neutral in itself, but could mean anything from an extreme compliment to a deadly insult depending on context and intention. It’s not clear to anyone here what your friend meant if you didn’t know.

The ‘way you are’ based on this thread seems to me to be someone who jumps to conclusions, for example.

I've said this, and had it said about me.

Context is everything here.

Freezing and welling up over a conversation you didn't properly hear and can't remember is a huge over reaction.

When you spoke to your other friends about it, the ones who told you it was rubbish, could you remember the context of the conversation? But have forgotten since?

It completely depends on the context, could be mild or awful.

"People might take advantage of your kindness because of the way you are".

"You'll never find a partner because of the way you are".

If they didn’t react after you’d welled up, then they aren’t great friends.

Or even "you'll always bounce back from setbacks because of the way you are"

"You'll always find friends because of the way you are"

Etc etc etc

We can't possibly judge with the first part of the sentence.

I'm really struggling to believe that someone who describes herself as having been 'shocked, hurt, humiliated, speechless and glued to the spot', can't even remember the context in which it was said 🙄

It’s a freeze response though - flight, fight, freeze - it’s very normal to not remember things when you’re in freeze.

Sorry I think I've missed something...are you a person of colour in an all white group, a jew, a Hindu, a Muslim, a prodistant, a Catholic.
I'm tight with money. EVERY friend knows this and comment...I'm broad shouldered...so what upset you

Yes but it's not very normal to then ask other friends rather than the friends who actually said it, and then completely forget the context while asking the internet.

We have no idea what they were talking about and neither do you.

You’ve assumed they were saying something unpleasant about you, but that’s just because of the way you are.

“You’d help anybody out in a crisis, because of the way you are.” Absolutely fine - quite a compliment.

“You’re always overthinking things, because of the way you are.” A mildly irritating trait for others amongst all your good points.

”You like to murder puppies, because of the way you are.” You should be grateful they’re still your friends and haven’t turned you over to the police.

It totally depends on context. Was it something you had never thought about yourself? Were they inaccurate? Why did it make you feel bad?