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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Twospaniels · 25/05/2023 11:59

Just pay for what you and your children have - simple.
Same as when we go out with work, each person goes to the counter and pays for their own meal and drinks and by the last person the bill should be fully paid.
So just say to the waiter, I’m paying for the fish, the lamb, the burger, 2 colas and a wine. And what’s left will be what your ex ate and he can pay for it.

SchoolTripDrama · 25/05/2023 11:59

If going is unavoidable and he will def be there, then I'd make sure you go to a Wetherspoons! You have to go up to the bar to order & pay before the food arrives, in every Wetherspoons in the UK! 👍🏻

HarrietJet · 25/05/2023 12:01

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

How is it petty not to pay for him? They're his kids too, why would he get to show up for a celebration for one of them as a guest expecting to paid for?
Some would say he should go halves with op for the whole thing...

gogohmm · 25/05/2023 12:02

I would choose a restaurant with a set price and your dc can inform him in advance of said cost. I'm guessing this is post graduation lunch? We went to one of those South American bbq places £19.99 so easy to contribute £20 to the pot. Buy drinks at the bar rather than on a tab for clarity.

Thankfully I don't have that issue, in fact ex normally pays for me at joint dc events/dog handover pub meal (don't ask Confused). Most recently I had dp with me and the pair of them both wanted to pay, I'm very lucky!

bookworm44 · 25/05/2023 12:04

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

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What a nasty suggestion, to involve the children and make them feel stressed and shit on their special day.

mumofteenss · 25/05/2023 12:16

bookworm44 · 25/05/2023 12:04

What a nasty suggestion, to involve the children and make them feel stressed and shit on their special day.

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They're adults! She's not suggesting a 9 year old act as a go between. These are adults who decided to put their mother in an uncomfortable situation. They should take on the responsibility of clarifying he is paying for himself, or tell him not to attend (which is what i would insist on).

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 25/05/2023 12:16

bookworm44 · 25/05/2023 12:04

What a nasty suggestion, to involve the children and make them feel stressed and shit on their special day.

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The OP said the kids are adults and already know everything.

There isn’t anything a nasty about telling an adult, who invited someone else without asking the OP, that the extra person needs to pay for themselves and since the adult child invited them, they can be the one to pass that message on.

Thursdayschild1 · 25/05/2023 12:28

I'd literally just put a smile on my face for the children and just pay, if he offers fine if not fine too. Its a one off & life is too short. I would avoid making a landmark birthday being about who paid for what. Your children will thank you for it & will already know the bigger picture. I think the fact the child invited him speaks volumes & shows they are hoping things can be put to one side and the event can be about them & their celebration not who's paying for what.

FrenchandSaunders · 25/05/2023 12:28

I presume it's a graduation? Nice for your DC to have their dad at that, but I can see why it could be really awkward for you.

I'd ask for the bill at the end, ensure it is given to you and then mentally take off what he has eaten/drunk .... tell the waiter you're paying x amount and ex DH is paying the remainder.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:29

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:55

Is there a reason they are hoping for him to change ? Has he got closer to them ? Otherwise the notifying the restaurant seems the only way

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He has form for letting them down last minute. One DC has already predicted it. I don't think he is particularly close to them but they love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:32

femfemlicious · 25/05/2023 05:26

For me, I would tell the child that I would rather he doesn't come and tell why. I think kids should be told these things .

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I really can't do that. I agreed and I want my DC to have good memories of this event. Prepared to put up with him and be polite but not happy to pay his part of the bill due to the financial mess he caused by not contributing financially for his children.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmightey · 25/05/2023 12:33

If I were you I would leave my money at home and let him cover the bill.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 12:34

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:37

Yes

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That’s a conversation to have with your child then.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:35

OneLittleFinger · 25/05/2023 07:45

Arrange with non-celebrating children that you will reimburse them but that they'll need to pay on the night. So it appears that you pay for yourself and birthday child, everyone else pays for themselves. You can 'agree' this at the table to begin with so ex is forewarned. Then you're not seemingly leaving him out, but he cannr argue if the kids are paying for themselves.

Good idea

OP posts:
Lingfield01 · 25/05/2023 12:35

Just tell him. If his feelings don’t matter then what difference will it make?

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 12:35

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:32

I really can't do that. I agreed and I want my DC to have good memories of this event. Prepared to put up with him and be polite but not happy to pay his part of the bill due to the financial mess he caused by not contributing financially for his children.

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Based on what you’ve posted, I think you are naive to think that he will come and pay for his share.

I wouldn’t put myself in that situation. You want a nice meal with your kids-it Doesn’t sound like that will happen if he comes. I think your child should arrange to see him separately.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:37

Loverofoxbowlakes · 25/05/2023 07:59

Quite.

I've been both the child and the adult in this circumstance. In your place I would ask the dc to confirm in advance with their dad that he will be paying for his own food and drink, that way there will be no confusion at the time. They're old enough to know that things aren't great between you but you are being the bigger person by accepting that the dc wants their father to join you all for this meal, but not to pay for dad's meal.

DCs aren't stupid. It's absolutely right that they want dad to be there but accept that things aren't rosy and that YOUR invite did not extend to dad, OK if he tags along BUT he need to pay for himself.

I know that feeling of dread op, but try to not let it cloud what sounds like a fabulous celebration. Hard, I know.

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Thanks for this post. I just want my child to have a lovely time. They are so lovely and deserve a fabulous day.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 25/05/2023 12:38

Thats the thing if he has form the special event is going to be ruined by him so wont even be worth it

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/05/2023 12:39

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 25/05/2023 10:36

This is good advice 👍

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Yes I think this is good, and I’d say it before you for the meal if you have his contact details.

If you wait til the day you might get “oh I was told this was your treat”

”Hi X, I’ve heard you’re coming along to the meal on the Y date. Do you want to go 50:50 to treat the kids, or will you just be paying for yourself?”

Ideally by text so there’s no room to deny it had been said.

Then on the day, ask the waiter to split the bills as others have said.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/05/2023 12:40

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 12:35

Good idea

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This is even better though

whynotwhatknot · 25/05/2023 12:43

How can she text him they dont have any contact

Longdarkcloud · 25/05/2023 13:04

OP avoid any suggestion of 50/50 as some posters have suggested because then you will end up sharing the extra expense of his booze.
How did your DC word their invitation? It may not have sounded like you were hosting and paying for the meal. If ex is disabused he may decide not to bother to attend.
I this event is to celebrate a graduation then how galling for you who has assisted with fees and support to have him muscle in on reflected glory.
Good luck with how you manage this.

Dagnabit · 25/05/2023 13:08

When you see him at the meal, ask if he wants to split the bill 50/50 or whether he just wants to pay for what he has. He is the one who will come across as petty if he doesn’t split it.

Atishoos · 25/05/2023 13:13

mumofteenss · 25/05/2023 11:37

Id have told the DC no. They are adults, there comes a point in time they have to accept that small family events dont include both parents following the breakdown of a marriage. Large, celebrations, like wedding, graduations, etc yes of course you will have to suffer the ex. A small celebratory intimate family meal? Absolutely not. If they want to celebrate with both parents, they and their siblings can meet one parent for lunch and another for dinner.

You must have been reading my mind, I was just about to say exactly the same thing. Let him do either lunch or dinner, and OP vice versa. As you say it is a different story for life events.

The adult child should have had more cop on than to put this unnecessary stuff on OP. Bet he is not one bit worried about anything.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 13:14

Thanks very much for all your replies and suggestions. Sorry I have not answered everyone.
DC whose event it is was very upset when we divorced. DC is so kind and thoughtful I just want them to have good memories. They asked me about him attending the event before he was invited. The meal was my idea as a treat but ex will not know I plan to pay for the meal. He has form for being mean with money and will probably try his luck on the night. For example not volunteer to pay his way and bank on not being asked as it could cause a scene.
Unfortunately there cannot be two separate celebrations as we are all in the city for a few hours.
I have a good relationship with my adult children and don't want them to have to point out to their father how a normal person should behave. They are very aware of his behaviour with money.
I was thinking of telling him face to face at the event that I will not be paying for him and also discreetly ask the waiting staff to have two bills running right from the start and tell him this before we go to the restaurant.

OP posts:
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