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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 25/05/2023 10:10

When the waiter turns up you say clearly we will be splitting the bill 50/50 except he <point to ex> is covering his own drinks as well.

OttoGraph · 25/05/2023 10:13

after pudding/desserts or if your taking a birthday cake - go to the bar and ask that they split the bill, as you want to pay for you and your dc - just keep a note of what he had.

Then ask them to give the remaining bill to him - when you get back to the table and after the bill has been presented to your ex, let the dc know you've paid for their meals as a treat. You don't need to mention the fathers part of the bill

mainbrochus · 25/05/2023 10:18

Or go to one of the new places that has an app to order food and drinks from various different kitchens, there is one near us and it's really nice, has pods outside that you can book.

Then you get your stuff on the app and he gets his.

theDudesmummy · 25/05/2023 10:23

I think you have to get the child who has invited him to talk to him in advance, and tell him that you will be paying for yourself and the kids. Don't mention who pays for him or that you won't be paying for him, as it is then obvious. This sounds generous of you (including to the child) and avoids him having any idea that you will be paying for him, or there being any awkwardness on the night. At the venue, ask to speak to the manager right at the beginning and say two bills one for you and kids, one for him.

Puppers · 25/05/2023 10:28

I’d just keep it super breezy. What you’re doing is not unusual or wrong in any way, so you should feel no awkwardness about it. Just a quick “we’ll need 2 bills at the end please - is that OK?” to the waiter, to signal clearly to ex-H that he won’t be scrounging and shouldn’t order more than he can pay for himself. And then at the end “can we split the bill please? I’ll be paying for XYZ”.

If one of your children offers to pay for him, I think you just have to let them handle it how they see fit. If it were me, I’d have a conversation with them privately another day to explain that your intention would never be pettiness or to make things awkward, but that you do have boundaries and it’s important that we all protect our boundaries. Remind them that they are not obligated to pay their father’s way and it’s their decision as an adult to draw boundaries of their own.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 25/05/2023 10:28

I'd give advance notice to your ex. If your adult child has invited them knowing that you haven't spoken for several years, then they are adult enough to tell them that Mum is paying for herself and the kids only. If your adult DC chooses not to say and covers their father's bill, that's an adult choice.

If you leave it until you arrive at the restaurant, then you might have a bit of a scene or where he says "I assumed you were paying/I don't have enough money in my account" etc.

brunettemic · 25/05/2023 10:31

This is a difficult one. At first I agreed with the don’t cause drama thing but having seen he left you struggling I take your point. The thing is, if you won’t contact him before to sort it then you can’t really have it both ways, your best bet is maybe get the kids to tell him as they invited him. Ultimately, it depends if potentially ruining the celebration over it is worth more or less than the payment itself.

whynotwhatknot · 25/05/2023 10:32

your child is an adult it was wrong of them to invite him knowing youre paying

they can tell him in advance he'll be paying for himself then he can decide whther to come or not

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 25/05/2023 10:36

shiningstar2 · 24/05/2023 23:47

I would simply ask him ...are you going 50 50 on this celebration meal for one of our children or are you just paying for yourself?

No drama. Clear choice given. No room for any misunderstanding.

This is good advice 👍

BadNomad · 25/05/2023 10:41

I don't know how much of a dick he is, but I'd want to make sure he is definitely not planning on bringing his partner with him. Then at the table I'd ask him if he's paying for half or just for himself.
I don't know what your child was thinking. What an uncomfortable meal out this is going to be.

DumboLives · 25/05/2023 10:41

Cancel the booking & book a different restaurant but don’t tell the dc until you are heading there.

otherwise most restaurants will split the bill, just arrange it beforehand as it is much easier for them to keep separate.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 25/05/2023 10:52

If he has forgotten his wallet please don't pay for him.

Pay yours, take the kids and swan out. Let him do whatever he would do if he was alone and had forgotten his wallet and eaten. You are not responsible for him.

Also most waiters are used to split bills and a discrete word can be had before ordering. It really doesn't need to be a drama.

luckylavender · 25/05/2023 10:56

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:39

You could say to the waiter, we're doing separate checks. I'll pay for myself and the kids. Then just order. Hand the menu back and smile.

This

vejazzlement · 25/05/2023 11:04

@Blondewithredlips I shouldn't laugh, but I am - because you and I appear to have been married to the same skinflint. YADNBU.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 25/05/2023 11:17

If you can get the restaurant menu online, get everyone's (apart from ex's) order before going to the restaurant and email it in to them.

Advise there may be someone else on the day who will order separately, but they will be paying for their order separately.

OriginalUsername2 · 25/05/2023 11:22

Why would your kid put you through this?! You generously organise something nice for them that you’re paying for - and they invite their shit dad / your ex?! Rude and thoughtless.

DressMadeOfSeashells · 25/05/2023 11:23

It probably doesn't help in your situation, but I have an Aunt like this. We'd go out for a big family meal, she'd allow her adult kids to order steaks and cocktails, and then sit back and wait to see if hers and her kids shares were covered by others putting in more than they owed. She waited to see if people putting in tips would cover her share. It caused trouble every time.

The last time we went out, I booked a pub restaurant so each individual family would have to order their meal at the bar and pay at the same time. Funnily enough, there were no steaks and cocktails ordered by her lot on that occasion.

Brefugee · 25/05/2023 11:26

Densol57 · 25/05/2023 00:46

Your kids are adults
stop trying to protect them from ex’s meanness
he pays his way ( and half the kids meals ) or he doesn't come
period.

Yep, this.
Belt and braces though:
A) tell child to tell father he must at least pay for himself
B) tell waiter on arrival, when ordering and when asking for the bill who is paying for what
C) remind ex on arrival that you are not paying for him

Good luck

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/05/2023 11:34

I can understand your DC inviting him... but from your relationship sounds so damaged it will be very difficult and really will ruin the celebration that you wanted to have.

You are already worrying so much about making sure he pays. Is it just his financial behaviour. There's also the other worry that he might not even turn up - leaving DC feeling rejected. Do you anticipate any other behaviour.

I think you need a kind, but frank talk with your DC.
Would it be better to keep your celebration with DC separate? He does lunch and you do dinner as planned but without the ex. That way both partners have a chance to devote attention to the DC without all this anticipatory stress.
That way DC can have a celebration with him, without worrying about you getting upset and you won't have to sit there and grind your teeth, worrying about the bill.
Your DC is caught in the middle whatever the outcome so there's no way to sugar coat it. but unless there's a high probability that this get together will end well, and that time has healed old wounds, it might be better to point this out to DC upfront and ask what they expect/hope/want from this gathering.
Ultimately this is probably better than just sucking it up when there seems a high likelyhood of it turning out to be "one of those" family meals.

mumofteenss · 25/05/2023 11:37

Id have told the DC no. They are adults, there comes a point in time they have to accept that small family events dont include both parents following the breakdown of a marriage. Large, celebrations, like wedding, graduations, etc yes of course you will have to suffer the ex. A small celebratory intimate family meal? Absolutely not. If they want to celebrate with both parents, they and their siblings can meet one parent for lunch and another for dinner.

SchoolTripDrama · 25/05/2023 11:46

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

Seriously? "Just rollover and be a doormat" 🙄🙄🙄🙄

SchoolTripDrama · 25/05/2023 11:49

I would cancel. Either not go to the celebration at all or just go out for a meal on my own

Unsure33 · 25/05/2023 11:53

personally For the sake of your child who does want their father there I would try and sort this before the meet up . In whatever way you think is best . It will cause an awful atmosphere on the night which will probably play into his hands and make you look bad . Can someone not just text him and say , just for clarity and to save embarrassment we will be asking for separate bills on the night .

Spiderboy · 25/05/2023 11:55

Can you suggest that it is lovely they want to celebrate with their father but they will need to make separate arrangements with him? I wouldn’t even be discussing it

SchoolTripDrama · 25/05/2023 11:55

It sounds to me like he will be turning up with the OW and will be expecting them both to be paid for.

Yeah I wouldn't be going