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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel guilty about what 19 year old daughter said to me

174 replies

sickout · 24/05/2023 10:37

My 19 year old girl is regularly ride, verbally abusive and can be downright nasty to me and her siblings.
Dad left a few years ago and she's never recovered.
She refused school, refused to get out of bed, refused to do chores .
It has been a horrendous time.
She is now in a place where she still Ives at home and is about to do exams.
I can't believe she is actually doing them such was her anger and school refusal.
She refused counselling or any intervention besides the GP who basically told her to pull herself together or take the support offered.
Her anger and refusals have never stopped her from socialising, holidaying or spending time with friends.
Believe me, I tried everything to support and manage her.
She had turned into her father.
Lacks empathy, selfish and very aggressive and verbally abusive at times.
But only to us in the home.
My other two children have SN and they simply irritate her. She has no input into family life unless it involves holidays, nice food etc r whatever she wants to do.
She is a taker.
It saddens my other children and I very much.
I have tried discipline, taking money away, taking phone away, talking, asking her aunts to talk to her , school involved , GP, psychologist etc .
Nothing has worked.
She is so untidy and has no respect for the home of anyone's belongings .
I love her of course but at times I do t like her behaviour. I'm disappointed at times and she can shock me .
When she is verbally nasty, I feel triggered . I freeze normally. It's like being squared up to by her father . My youngest child with an has started to do the same .
Last night she started again and out of nowhere I said that I would not tolerate being verbally abused by her , that she had turned into her father and that she needed to leave my room.
She was visibly shocked and very hurt.
It stopped her in her tracks .
She cannot stand him either and his verbal abuse and shouting and criticising frightens her.
I feel absolutely awful.
She said that it was a terrible thing to say and she was very hurt.
What do I do here ?
The truth is that she is a carbon copy of him and all the family therapy and work has been centred on dealing with his anger and emotion outbursts and negativity .
Thanks

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 24/05/2023 10:43

I am going to say ...WELL DONE....
You did not shout, threaten or behave like her father .....(or her) ...you took on the tough parent role well by saying exactly what needed to be said.

It was absolutely true......

Now talk to her as soon as possible, stay very calm and cool, not much emotion or she may bully you again, you have drawn a much needed line on her behaviour, and you mustn't apologise or backtrack.

I would show her your post it was truthful, not unkind, and she needs to read how hard you have worked to be a good parent and that you love her but not her behaviour, and she needs to know how her behaviour affects her siblings.

Good luck op......this may be a turning point.

Lidlpopdrinker · 24/05/2023 10:43

Sounds like some good old-fashioned home truths might be just what she needs. She’s an adult, not a child, she needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour. Quite how you’ve not kicked her out is beyond me.

mumsie8 · 24/05/2023 10:44

If what you said is true, you stand by it. She needs to understand that she is being like her father and maybe she needs to take a long, hard look at herself.
Whilst the separation will have been a difficult time in all your lives it does not give her an excuse to treat you the way she has been.
Make it clear you love her, you want to support her, you're there for her but neither you or her siblings are there to be her emotional punchbag.

SeulementUneFois · 24/05/2023 10:47

Well done OP.
You told her the truth.
You need to reiterate it to her and don't let her try to emotionally blackmail/ bully you into submission.
If she tries to, tell her that's exactly what she's doing.

You are strong to have put up with this for so long. But don't martyr yourself anymore.

FrenchandSaunders · 24/05/2023 10:47

I wouldn't apologise OP or backtrack on what you said. It's the truth and hopefully she will think about it and takes steps to improve herself and not carry on behaving like her father.

You shouldn't have to tolerate this in your own home, she's 19, not a kid. Sounds like she needed this from you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 24/05/2023 10:49

Telling my late teen DD she was turning into her father was the sharp shock she needed to have a look at herself and modify her behaviour.

Hopefully your DD reacts in the same way.

35965a · 24/05/2023 10:49

You spoke the truth, she is an adult so stand by what you said. Don’t apologise or backtrack.

MumLass · 24/05/2023 10:50

sickout · 24/05/2023 10:37

My 19 year old girl is regularly ride, verbally abusive and can be downright nasty to me and her siblings.
Dad left a few years ago and she's never recovered.
She refused school, refused to get out of bed, refused to do chores .
It has been a horrendous time.
She is now in a place where she still Ives at home and is about to do exams.
I can't believe she is actually doing them such was her anger and school refusal.
She refused counselling or any intervention besides the GP who basically told her to pull herself together or take the support offered.
Her anger and refusals have never stopped her from socialising, holidaying or spending time with friends.
Believe me, I tried everything to support and manage her.
She had turned into her father.
Lacks empathy, selfish and very aggressive and verbally abusive at times.
But only to us in the home.
My other two children have SN and they simply irritate her. She has no input into family life unless it involves holidays, nice food etc r whatever she wants to do.
She is a taker.
It saddens my other children and I very much.
I have tried discipline, taking money away, taking phone away, talking, asking her aunts to talk to her , school involved , GP, psychologist etc .
Nothing has worked.
She is so untidy and has no respect for the home of anyone's belongings .
I love her of course but at times I do t like her behaviour. I'm disappointed at times and she can shock me .
When she is verbally nasty, I feel triggered . I freeze normally. It's like being squared up to by her father . My youngest child with an has started to do the same .
Last night she started again and out of nowhere I said that I would not tolerate being verbally abused by her , that she had turned into her father and that she needed to leave my room.
She was visibly shocked and very hurt.
It stopped her in her tracks .
She cannot stand him either and his verbal abuse and shouting and criticising frightens her.
I feel absolutely awful.
She said that it was a terrible thing to say and she was very hurt.
What do I do here ?
The truth is that she is a carbon copy of him and all the family therapy and work has been centred on dealing with his anger and emotion outbursts and negativity .
Thanks

Do not apologise or try to take back what you said. She's an adult and she's behaving like an abusive twat. You will be doing her a favour by making her take a long hard look at herself.

Original poster
sickout · 24/05/2023 10:51

Gosh that is.
I thought I was in for a verbal kicking.
I posted in AIBU because I knew that I would get the raw unfiltered responses but you've no idea what this means to me. My stomach has been sick all night and all morning .
I will see her later on and sit down and reiterate what I said . There will be years but I don't. Know how she has kept friends for so long. She will leave home next year for third level and I've told her that as much as I love her, she will be leaving, it is time

OP posts:
Original poster
sickout · 24/05/2023 10:53

*tears

OP posts:
Tandora · 24/05/2023 10:53

I’m shocked by these responses. Telling her some home truths about her behaviour is one thing- it’s not ok at all to throw her paternity in her face. That’s emotional abuse. She can’t help who her father is, and his behaviour is not her cross to bear.
I would apologise for saying (bringing her dad into it) but ask for a talk about your concerns.

Clarinet1 · 24/05/2023 10:57

It sounds to me as though you did exactly the right thing - stopping her in her tracks may have just brought it home to her at last how badly she has behaved.
As PP have said, talk to her in her next calm moment and tell her you love her but not the behaviour and that you want to help her to develop into the fine, fully-functional adult you know she can be. If she’s doing GCSEs (well done to both of you) does she have any ideas what she would like to do next? Further study? An apprenticeship? A job? Have you ever talked about that? What about future relationships for her? DC? A home of her own when she’s ready?
Good luck. Hope you work things out.

Original poster
sickout · 24/05/2023 10:57

A talk about my concerns ?
That ship has sailed years ago I'm afraid. We're way beyond that but thanks for response .

OP posts:
OooohKeepYourKnickersOn · 24/05/2023 10:57

No it's not @Tandora 🙄, she needed to hear some home truths
Her mum is not an emotional punch bag

CanofCant · 24/05/2023 10:58

Tandora · 24/05/2023 10:53

I’m shocked by these responses. Telling her some home truths about her behaviour is one thing- it’s not ok at all to throw her paternity in her face. That’s emotional abuse. She can’t help who her father is, and his behaviour is not her cross to bear.
I would apologise for saying (bringing her dad into it) but ask for a talk about your concerns.

I'm sure OP has tried talking about her concerns already. She can't help who her father is but she absolutely can help how she treats her family.

OP I agree that you did the right thing, it's not fair on you or your younger children to live like this. Domestic abuse isn't just confined to romantic relationships.

onefinemess · 24/05/2023 10:58

Why is she still living in your house?

She's an adult.

Sorry OP, but YOU are enabling this abuse.

Why do women get a pass when they're abusive, but men get kicked out?

If you want to be abused, let her stay, if you don't want to be abused, kick her out.

An abusive bully is an abusive bully.

You'll be doing of you a favour if you just get rid.

Tigofigo · 24/05/2023 10:59

Tandora · 24/05/2023 10:53

I’m shocked by these responses. Telling her some home truths about her behaviour is one thing- it’s not ok at all to throw her paternity in her face. That’s emotional abuse. She can’t help who her father is, and his behaviour is not her cross to bear.
I would apologise for saying (bringing her dad into it) but ask for a talk about your concerns.

I agree. She is behaving in ways like her father but to say she's turned into him is something else.

I personally would clarify that. She needs to know you still love her despite her behaviour as you obviously don't love the father any more.

You mention SN, are you sure that's not at play here too?

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 24/05/2023 11:01

You did the right thing Op.

How powerless you must have been feeling all these years.

As long as communication is respectful and calm i think it’s entirely acceptable to tell her what her behaviour is doing to you.

This is how you get your “power “ back.

SlaveToTheVibe · 24/05/2023 11:01

Meh…. Similar dynamics in my own family - a comment like that from my mum stopped the wee madam in her tracks.

LotsOfBalloons · 24/05/2023 11:01

I must admit I'm a bit surprised by these responses. There is obviously something going on with her and she isn't handling it at all well.

What SN do the other kids have? Many meurodivergent girls go under the radar as not diagnosed.

The Facebook group "not fine in school" is probably a bit late for you but is really educational (Dr naomi fisher) about reasons students don't attend school.

I think its a bad move saying she's just like her father. I think you're in danger of deepening the wedge that is there between you and at the end of the day the connection is more important you don't want to give up on her compeltely/completely push her away.

Also I've seen a few times once some people get in their head the child is "just like their father" they can treat them that way - it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. And you can end up treating that child unkindly because you're seeing the ex rather than your child.

She definitely needs some support and right now if she will attend exams that is fantastic and not the time to be trying to push her away.

Tandora · 24/05/2023 11:02

sickout · 24/05/2023 10:57

A talk about my concerns ?
That ship has sailed years ago I'm afraid. We're way beyond that but thanks for response .

If you can’t talk to her then don’t; that doesn’t excuse saying abusive things to her about her dad.
her dads behaviour and her behaviour are too very separate things. It’s deeply harmful and psychologically damaging to your daughter to link the two. It’s not a “home truth” it’s a cheap punch.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/05/2023 11:02

I think that was an awful and damaging thing to say.

It is clear you dislike her.

Much easier to say she has "turned into her father" than to come to terms with how her experiences have contributed to her current behaviour.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 24/05/2023 11:03

Maybe it’s what she needed to hear. Pointing out exactly what she sounds like by comparing her to her father is probably really upsetting for her but she doesn’t appear to see it herself.

Fingers crossed that this is the wake up call that she needs.

Living in a home with SEN siblings is without doubt hard for her but you can’t be her punch bag.

CanofCant · 24/05/2023 11:03

As a sibling, it's fucking horrible having to live in a house like this.

OP is doing her best, you don't know how bad it is so don't try to make her feel guilty and possibly prolong this misery for everyone (daughter included) in the house.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/05/2023 11:04

What you said to her was abusive. Maybe you are the one turning into an abuser.

I feel really sorry for her. Imagine growing up in a house where the people who are meant to love and support you treat you this way.