Feel guilty about what 19 year old daughter said to me

[sickout]

My 19 year old girl is regularly ride, verbally abusive and can be downright nasty to me and her siblings.
Dad left a few years ago and she's never recovered.
She refused school, refused to get out of bed, refused to do chores .
It has been a horrendous time.
She is now in a place where she still Ives at home and is about to do exams.
I can't believe she is actually doing them such was her anger and school refusal.
She refused counselling or any intervention besides the GP who basically told her to pull herself together or take the support offered.
Her anger and refusals have never stopped her from socialising, holidaying or spending time with friends.
Believe me, I tried everything to support and manage her.
She had turned into her father.
Lacks empathy, selfish and very aggressive and verbally abusive at times.
But only to us in the home.
My other two children have SN and they simply irritate her. She has no input into family life unless it involves holidays, nice food etc r whatever she wants to do.
She is a taker.
It saddens my other children and I very much.
I have tried discipline, taking money away, taking phone away, talking, asking her aunts to talk to her , school involved , GP, psychologist etc .
Nothing has worked.
She is so untidy and has no respect for the home of anyone's belongings .
I love her of course but at times I do t like her behaviour. I'm disappointed at times and she can shock me .
When she is verbally nasty, I feel triggered . I freeze normally. It's like being squared up to by her father . My youngest child with an has started to do the same .
Last night she started again and out of nowhere I said that I would not tolerate being verbally abused by her , that she had turned into her father and that she needed to leave my room.
She was visibly shocked and very hurt.
It stopped her in her tracks .
She cannot stand him either and his verbal abuse and shouting and criticising frightens her.
I feel absolutely awful.
She said that it was a terrible thing to say and she was very hurt.
What do I do here ?
The truth is that she is a carbon copy of him and all the family therapy and work has been centred on dealing with his anger and emotion outbursts and negativity .
Thanks

It sounds like she needed that wake up call. Only she can work on herself and she's 19 so she's got time to start. She's old enough to leave, so if she keeps making the home environment difficult and unstable for the children she will have to leave.

You have handled it the way I would OP. There's only so much you can do as a parent, you're only human. One day if she has a family of her own she'll look back and feel terrible about her behaviour. I hope your talk goes well later on.

100% this! You said completely the right thing. And you should throw her out if this continues. It's traumatising you and it's traumatising your younger child too, enough is enough.

Lots of us had hard childhoods and its never a bloody hall pass to wear it like a cloak and use it as an excuse to treat others in the family like shit.

You did the right thing OP. Hopefully she'll really think on what you said and try to make better choices about how she treats you and others in future. Sometimes it takes a hard truth to see your failings. Luckily she's quite young still and with your help can start to regulate her emotions in a better way.

Kids need to realise that there are lines and sometimes they'll hear something uncomfortable when those lines are crossed but it's not abuse by any means.

I hope she can reflect on what you said and it's a turning point for both of you.

@Tandora

so what are you saying then?
op just needs to put up with being emotionally abused in her own home?! Yes her home. It’s not her daughter’s house, it’s OP’s.

I think you did and said the right things, OP. Yes, it's hard for her to hear that she's behaving/turning into her father and hopefully that will make her think as she doesn't rate him much.

Being told that your behaviour needs to change isn't a bad thing; whoever's behaviour it is that you're following. It's not final and people can change - she can change OP but she needed to be told and you've done that.

I don't blame you at all for what you said. It was a moment of realness, due to you being pushed over the edge. She is 19, she's totally capable of understanding the harm her words and behaviour are causing.

Now, I would further the conversation by apologising for comparing her to her abusive dad, but say that when she treats you this way, you get triggered and flash back into how you felt when her dad would treat you badly. Keep it honest, keep it authentic. I do think it's also ok and important to emphasise that she isn't her dad, and you don't view her that way. But that the way she is treating you is causing harm and you can't cope with it, and want things to change. Simply be open and explain exactly what caused you to react like that. Even show her this post, maybe (not the comments) - you've phrased everything really well here, particularly emphasising how much you do love her but can't cope with this treatment.

She has not ‘turned into her father’, she’s her own person.

I think it needed to be said.

Sometimes we need a mirror held up to us for us to see her behaviour, as we can get lost in our own hurt and lash out atvthoae who love us in the most appalling ways.

Don't back track, but have a conversation with her, reminding her you love her, but the behaviour is ugly. Tell her you will support her in getting help, but you will no longer tolerate being a verbal/emotional punching bag.

The worst you can do now is backtrack or try to put the genie back in, as it will only serve to reaffirm to her that you'll accept any treatment. In fact, she'll also beat you with being unkind to her if you can't stand firm in your conviction.

You sound incredibly patient and empathetic. You've tried everything to help and turn her problems around for a long time. She refuses to help herself.

It seems you have finally found a way to make her pay attention and consider her behaviour. So I agree with PPs - please don't apologise or backtrack.

Time to start putting your younger children and yourself first.

If she refuses counselling and won't change her behaviour then I'd find it hard to take her on holiday or do nice things for her. She is old enough to understand consequences.

She is now in a place where she still Ives at home and is about to do exams.
I can't believe she is actually doing them such was her anger and school refusal.

OP I know you are venting here, but your post is a very long list of harsh negatives about your DD. But despite her abusive Dad abusing and then abandoning her, her suffering severe depression as a result where she could not get out of bed, go to school or help around the house you say she is now in a place where she is taking exams. Have you praised her for this? Offered any positive reinforcement? Loving encouragement?

I worry you may be too focussed on the negatives to celebrate her positive aspects and what is a major accomplishment.

You now sit her down and have a follow up conversation. Her behaviour towards you is the same as her fathers and only she has the power to change it.
And op it's OK not to like her, you can love the bones of her but when someone is constantly being abusive towards you in your home they are hard to like

2/3 kids have SEN.

With all her behavioural issues, has she not got any diagnosis of SN?

Also I've seen a few times once some people get in their head the child is "just like their father" they can treat them that way - it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. And you can end up treating that child unkindly because you're seeing the ex rather than your child.

This^ Is it possible you do not like her because she is like her father, in ways that are not abusive but just a reminder of someone you do not like? My mother hated my father and I knew it. It was hard to ever form a proper relationship when they divorced because she hated him and let us know it all the time. If she had then said I was like him, I would be devastated and that would stay with me a long time because I would feel paranoid she didn't like me or love me and that I had to watch myself all the time. While it is ok for you to discipline, to lay down boundaries and call out poor behaviour, it is not ok for you to say ' you're like your Dad' when she knows you do not like him and he was abusive. During the divorce and everything, did you give her enough of your time? If she knows her dad doesn't want her, is it possible she thinks you do not want her too? There is an emotionally hurt young woman here and that is where the acting out is coming from, pain. If your son is 'emulating her' then it makes it even more important that you change the way you deal with this because it hasn't;t worked. how about some counselling for you? A parents group? You can't get her to go to someone but I think actually it's you that needs the support and some professional guidance for how to approach both the children.

It’s her daughters home too and a child’s home should be the one safe place they can express anger. I agree abuse should not be accepted or tolerated, but that doesn’t make it not the daughters home too.

Don't feel bad. It had to be said and hopefully its the wake up call she needs to buck her ideas up.👍🙂

…so she grew up in an abusive household until her father left. You then wonder why she is like she is.

You have a damaged young person there …who should have received support years and years ago. School Avoidance doesn’t come out of nowhere, there is lots of stuff that leads to to it (Domestic Violence, Bullying, Grooming, Neuro-Diversity, Learning Disability… to name but a few)

You say she “refused help” what does that mean? Did you speak to CAMHS.. what did they offer ? What did school do ?

She’s very angry, taking a phone away will not solve that.

It’s her daughters home too and a child’s home should be the one safe place they can express anger.

She's 19. Not 12. And she's abusing her two younger siblings, as well as her mother. They are starting to show signs of the damage she is causing. What about their safe place?

For those saying what sickout said was wrong and abusive, what should she have said? Her DD ‘Lacks empathy, selfish and very aggressive and verbally abusive at times’. Nothing op said or did over the years made dd listen and it sounds like she reached the end of her tether.

Dd is behaving like her father who she despises, this seems like the only time op has gotten through to her so what she should have said instead that would have made that type of an impact?

It stopped her in her tracks .
She cannot stand him either and his verbal abuse and shouting and criticising frightens her.
I feel absolutely awful.
She said that it was a terrible thing to say and she was very hurt.

I was going to say she fallen into the learned behaviour of her Dad perhaps as a coping mechanism.

The problem is that I adore her and take the crumbs of good behaviour to keep the peace, like I do with my exh.
Yea I've enabled it but was not going to kick her out.

And then you wrote he above - so you've fallen into familiar patterns as well possibly forcing her even more into other role.

At 19 she is certainly old enough to hear the I love you but hate the way you behave and I think it may be the shock she needs to examine why she is doing this but despite all on your plate I do think you need to look at your own responses - and maybe have a frank conversation with her about that as well.

You did exactly the right thing. It amazes me that so many people are rightly quick to recognise that nobody should tolerate abuse from a partner but seem to think it’s fine from an adult child. You told her what her behaviour is like in a single, concise illustrative way, a way that clearly hit home. There’s no need to apologise - I bet she never does.

So now you’ve told her what you think of her abusive behaviour maybe she’ll step back and realise she’s being abusive.
If it’s affecting you negatively and your younger children are seeing this it’s good you had your say. You don’t won’t the other two becoming the same.
Shes an adult and responsible for her actions.

She needed telling and she needs to either buck up or leave before you're being battered by your son OP. No more soft approach. You can't be abused in your own house when there are SN boys watching. Boys get big and too strong to cope with.

It’s true. She needed to hear it.

So she's learnt maladaptive coping mechanisms due to growing up in a an abusive family.

How is telling her she's damaged going to help?

When you're criticised it doesn't help you change. And hearing your mum tell you you are just like the thing she despises the most is not going to help try and rebuild connection here.