Feel guilty about what 19 year old daughter said to me

[sickout]

My 19 year old girl is regularly ride, verbally abusive and can be downright nasty to me and her siblings.
Dad left a few years ago and she's never recovered.
She refused school, refused to get out of bed, refused to do chores .
It has been a horrendous time.
She is now in a place where she still Ives at home and is about to do exams.
I can't believe she is actually doing them such was her anger and school refusal.
She refused counselling or any intervention besides the GP who basically told her to pull herself together or take the support offered.
Her anger and refusals have never stopped her from socialising, holidaying or spending time with friends.
Believe me, I tried everything to support and manage her.
She had turned into her father.
Lacks empathy, selfish and very aggressive and verbally abusive at times.
But only to us in the home.
My other two children have SN and they simply irritate her. She has no input into family life unless it involves holidays, nice food etc r whatever she wants to do.
She is a taker.
It saddens my other children and I very much.
I have tried discipline, taking money away, taking phone away, talking, asking her aunts to talk to her , school involved , GP, psychologist etc .
Nothing has worked.
She is so untidy and has no respect for the home of anyone's belongings .
I love her of course but at times I do t like her behaviour. I'm disappointed at times and she can shock me .
When she is verbally nasty, I feel triggered . I freeze normally. It's like being squared up to by her father . My youngest child with an has started to do the same .
Last night she started again and out of nowhere I said that I would not tolerate being verbally abused by her , that she had turned into her father and that she needed to leave my room.
She was visibly shocked and very hurt.
It stopped her in her tracks .
She cannot stand him either and his verbal abuse and shouting and criticising frightens her.
I feel absolutely awful.
She said that it was a terrible thing to say and she was very hurt.
What do I do here ?
The truth is that she is a carbon copy of him and all the family therapy and work has been centred on dealing with his anger and emotion outbursts and negativity .
Thanks

You absolutely stand by what you said.

You did a very good thing for your daughter.

You laid your boundry, you gave her a boundry.

She is also doing a good thing, weird as that may sound. She is full of grief and anger. She is recovering from all that went before. But - she is releasing that at home. Healthy.

Now though, it is now time for her to recalibrate. It is time to think.

In a very calm moment you can say that to her. You can point out that you let her grieve for a long time without lashing out. You took it - as an act of love. Because you understood that she is in pain.

But it is now time to take control from him - for both for you and dd. Time to create a new family. Time to choose what that will be. In freedom and in peace.

Her choice of continuing to behaving like that is the very same as her father's choice.

Tough as it is you have done good work there op. You have laid stepping stones for your future as a happy, functioning family.

There is a lot to admire in yourself.

It is nit emotional abuse.

It is a warning - look at what you have learnt.Examine. Is this what you want?

For better or for worse the daughter grew up with the fathert and will have learnt from him.

She needs to choose a path...

Well said.

But her own person who is making a choice to enact the abusive behaviour of her dad.

OP did her an act of love - she will not get on well in life, love or motherhood without weeding that out.

Whoever she's turned into or not, she's 19 and needs to start owning her behaviour.

I agree. My father wasn't someone to emulate but daughters often take after their fathers.

However, you don't have to be an arse because your father was, and there's no need to be rude all the time. She can choose her response to her parentage!

However, I suspect she is also fed up with coming second/third to her siblings. Have you heard of the "glass child" phenomenon OP?

Agree w pp, well done. Show her the thread. She needs to watch a video back of her behavior but I don’t advocate for videotaping anybody as it would be invasion of privacy and an ambush. But if we could all see how we act sometimes, it would be a lesson for sure without a word needing to be said.

It’s like she blames you for her absent father, and as is common, being an ‘obstacle’ in her life.

It is common behavior of teenage children, to varying degree.

I’m following thread to see if there are any solutions.

Somehow she’s got to realize that you’re not her enemy.

She is hurt by what you said? Too damn bad. It appears from your description that she has been terrorizing the rest of your family so if she thinks you said something unkind she will have to get over it. Does she have any plan to move out after exams? You should really encourage that.

I just watched a video with advice to ‘let them’ especially regarding strained relationships with your children or with anybody. You’ve tried to guide her and advise her in love, but she’s not having it and is determined to go her own way which seemingly into a pit of her own making. It’s hard to let go but maybe you could try that, let go and let her do what she does. It’s difficult because she is really harming herself by her behavior and she’s disrupting family life. I’m sorry op you’re all going though this.

I would as soon as possible sit down with her without her siblings in ear shot and offer to get through this, to start again and work on your relationship. Listen to her frustrations and tell her yours adult to adult

I'd say honesty is the best policy. You are correct in what you said to her. It was the truth. Maybe it's time she understands what she is doing. I'm not sure why you didn't bounce her out. Do not apologize.

It is about respect

If your DD lived in a shared house somewhere else, would she act in the same way to other people?

Of course but we can't jump in with the SN cry every time someone does something wrong, it can't always be the case.

Well done OP. Many teenagers, regardless of back story, tend to be stroppy, self entitled little wotsits.

They generally need a metaphorical kick up the backside.

You've laid it out for her - and she needs to understand that people, through life, won't put up with it all.

Hopefully, she's learned a lesson.👍

Sometimes the best way for some people to learn is to get a taste of their own medicine. You can do it kindly but they have to feel what you feel to understand how it feels.

Even so, some will still not admit or acknowledge it but at least they understand it.

I agree. The earlier the better too.

That "abuser" (the man) was once someone's "child". You don't want this "child" to become known as 'the abuser' later and even those who're fighting for her now will wash their hands off her then.

She feels hurt? Well maybe she'll think about that next time she feels like abusing you or one if her siblings. I'd have told her long ago

"her dads behaviour and her behaviour are too very separate things. It’s deeply harmful and psychologically damaging to your daughter to link the two. It’s not a “home truth” it’s a cheap punch."

They are NOT separate. It is psychologically extremely common for patterns of behaviour to be absorbed then repeated in the next generation. Her behaviour being similar to her fathers is not going to be a coincidence.

While it is important to clarify you are talking about the behaviours she is choosing, rather than condemning her essential character, the point you are making is vital for her starting to take responsibility, understanding what is going on inside her, the impact it has on others, and breaking the pattern.

If after years, this is what has finally sunk in, then good.

Clarify, assure her you love her, but don't dial back on calling out and refusing to tolerate her abusive behaviour. And It is important she knows if the abusive pattern is similar to her dad's.

She is an adult who has been given every possible form of support and chosen instead to be abusive to others.
Time to stop it - for her sake, as well as yours, if you can.

I agree with what you said, OP.

At some point people have to take responsibility for their behaviour. Sounds like you gave her the shock she needed.

Allowing abusive people to keep the 'victim' label too long isn't helpful. They can't just keep on the way they are, with others just having to tolerate it.

In terms of your younger one and anger. I think, when communicating with teens, short bursts are good.

So in a complicitous moment ask - what should I do when you blow up in anger?

Share too - if I am angry I like 10 minutes to cool down and then talk - what about you?

etc

Get the talking done in bursts, and in calm moments.

I have actually used this strategy successfully with MIL so thank you very much.

I don't think it's bad, suddenly you found your boundary and pushed back. The truth hurts sometimes, but I think it needed to be said. I assume it's true? I hope it might be a turning point for you both. I don't even know if I'd sit down and discuss it with her, maybe wait and see if she brings it up. She's 19, she's a grown up and being vile to those who love her is never a good idea. It's a shame someone had to suffer for years before snapping and pointing it out to her in words of one syllable. She's deeply hurt, what about what you've had to put up with over the years from her? I think leave it be unless she brings it up. Least said, soonest mended.

She is 19. Time to grow up.