AIBU? baby vs Hen do

[MMoon23]

I have 4 best friends who I lived with at uni
I am the only one who has had a baby. They all sent a gift when she was born 1 year ago but since then have barely asked about her, only 1 of them has ever come to see her.
None of them sent a card for her 1st birthday. 2 of them sent a text happy birthday after I posted an Instagram post which reminded them.

1 of the gang is getting married this year and all talk in the group chat is of the wedding /hen do. All 4 girls are coming to the hen do (actually being held where I live, which is also where we all went to uni) without a second thought. And are all coming to the wedding nearby a month later. None have suggested wanting to or meeting baby at this time. I feel a bit put out that they can travel so readily for this, but haven’t for me.
1 of them is recently pregnant herself and talks a bit more about it. Another one makes very minimal remarks. I know that the others are not currently trying to conceive or have fertility issues (which would make more sense)

AIBU to feel disappointed/ annoyed that no one seems to care much ? Or that my baby is worth so little effort from my best friends? My partners best friends all sent birthday cards and texts / have met baby /check in about her.

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable and self absorbed in my expectations. Is it the case that of course a hen do would trump a baby visit? I have never been to a hen do before. I am now preparing to go on said hen do and see them all for the first time since baby, so need to try to not let my resentment show… how can I do this??

I've always made the effort to make a fuss of friends who have had babies and they did me when mine were born. The friends I had at the time of having my first were amazing, I was the first by a long way to have a child. They made such a fuss of him, and still do! That's what friendships are about. Being excited for occasions and making an effort. I didnt realise how lucky I am till I started coming on mumsnet when my second was born!
I couldn't imagine one of us having a baby and nobody making an effort. We look after each other. I would still go on the hen do though and let my hair down. You will make mum friends along the way OP so don't worry too much.

I don't think it makes them shit friends, I just think there are different types of friendships. Personally since I've had kids and work full time I haven't really bothered with anything other than quite superficial or situational friendships, I just don't have time, energy or mental space and am very independent myself. I like seeing friends for high days and good times and that's it. I'm all about family who are all local and close.

You sound very obviously bitter about the milestone that is becoming a parent.

I’ve been interested and engaged with my friends career changes, divorces, miscarriages, parents deaths. They were all to some degree expected, and from the outside not HUGE events. But they were life changing for my friends, and the ups and downs of their lives are very important to me, as I want to be supportive and a good friend.

I mean this nicely but your baby isn't interesting to people outside of your family.

I love my friends but I am not invested in their children, I often can't remember their names or ages and some I have never met. I don't expect them to be interested in my children.

I would really second this poster.
I have had my children before anyone else in my old friendship group and have found much the same, people send cards and gifts initially but interest very quickly wanes.

I have found much more value when it comes to my babies in my mum friends, of which I now have a small group.

I am still friends with my old group, but have accepted we are on different paths. There are certain things id talk to my old friends about, and other things I go to my mum friends for.

Perhaps try going to some local mum groups, or join fb groups for mums in the area. It's a great way to get yourself out among other mums :)

I pretend to be interested in friend's and siblings' babies but I find the whole thing a bit tedious tbh.

I know their baby is their whole world, so I send presents and ask about them, but it's more out of duty.

It's not a popular viewpoint, but I feel like the expectations that new mothers put on friends and family is a bit exhausting.

I wasn't interested in babies before I had one. I also had zero idea of what was involved and how important it is for people to be interested. As well it's nice if they accommodate you a bit as it's quite difficult to have a social life when they're small but you really want one at the same time, to feel like a person in your own right!

However, until you experience it it's hard to know those things. I had no experience of family or friends having babies either. Perhaps your friends are just clueless and will be better when they have their own (if they do!).

Hen dos are fun. Babies aren't (to most other people).

But yes it sucks OP and I would feel the same

No no yanbu atol. A baby trumps a hen do 10 fold. I suppose it is a stage of life thing, and they will soon learn when it is their turn how mean it is to ignore a baby.

I know how you feel but yabu I'm afraid!

Sounds like they are just at a different stage of life, although I'm sure you're going to start getting a lot more texts from your pregnant friend soon.

Just the way it goes. It will all come out in the wash eventually. Best just to keep your foot in the door with them and enjoy the wedding etc.

I know that before I had a baby I had NO CLUE how to relate to my friends with babies tbh!

They dont care about your baby
And they are allowed to.

Maybe you only post baby photos on instagram now and have become this baby obsessed mum that everyone wants to block on social media 🤐? I dunnow

Plus there is different kind of friends.
Some are just going out for drinks friends. Not "visiting the baby " friends.

And of course they are super excited about a hen do! Because that's about 32428 times more fun than visiting a baby 🤭

Hen dos are way more fun than babies. I would rather be in ibiza than about to leave for the school run 🤣

Sorry to echo others but as one of the friends who did not have a child till later, I wasn't interested at all until I had mine. Not really a 'baby person' either which doesn't help. You are okay to be hurt, but try not to blame friends it is a different focus and priority is all.

I find it a bit frustrating that this gets reduced to "new mums expectations on friends and family". Isn't being interested in your friends' life just a very normal part of being a friend? Why when it's to do with babies does it become almost politicised, like it's a principal thing about whether you personally value having children and family life etc? I'm asking these genuinely, no snark. I take an interest in anything major in my friends' lives. If my (close) friend had something occur that took up all their time and energy, was highly emotional important to them, changed their life and brought them great joy (among other emotions), I'd be all over it! Why does that have to be different just because it's a baby?

Sorry - YABU

Hen parties and weddings are exicitnig and chances to get together and have fun

A new baby, whilst exiciting, is predominantly about the parent (you) -so interest is going to be limited.

As PP said, this is where Mum friends come in

As your group start to have babies youll get a lot more interaction around your baby

They are fair weather friends.

There are many stages of life that are boring to extend people. Having a baby is one but so wound be dealing with illness /cancer or a dying parent. If your friends aren't also happy to offer support when it just a quiet catch up over coffee rather than a nightclub, then their not really close friends.

(Not that I am suggesting using them as therapy but just you should be allowed to share deeper stuff)

Are you saying that you would blithely move on from long term friends to new "Mum friends" when you have a baby?
The OP isn't expecting her friends to suddenly make it all about the baby, or go to soft play, just to...I don't know..still be her friend.

That's just how it is, I'm afraid. When I had my first I got a lot of cards and gifts etc but then everyone (apart from family) lost interest. I think for her first birthday I got a few cards but after that, nothing. When I had my second child there was barely any interest from friends at all! It was like it was a novelty with my first but a totally boring, mundane event with my second. Like I say, the only people who really care are your families and the new mum friends you make (I mean they only really care because they have babies the same age so are going through the same thing at the same time).
Your friends are all excited about the wedding because they're all involved and it's a fun thing, a big party! They might become slightly more interested in your child when/if they have children.

@TheOrigRights - not at all

But I would appreciate that they wouldn't be as interested in my child as I am

TBH I wouldn't keep up with birthday cards/gifts for my friends children because (as ive found), it sets a precedent with all friends and as kid numbers increase...gets expensive

I think the level of interest in OPs child shown so far is, frankly, fair enough.

You're not unreasonable at all. My friends were all really thrilled when I had my baby (and even more thrilled now I've got two!) and often ask for updates etc. interestingly my male friends are much more interested in my kids than my girl friends as a rule.
I guess we're all people who take a great interest in each others lives and achievements etc. I have no idea about data analysis for instance, but if my friend did it as a job I'd take an interest in it. Or if they moved house I'd take an interest in the house and how they were getting on with it. So no, you're not being unreasonable.

I think it's odd that your so called best friends have not met your baby who is now over the age of 1, assuming they live in the UK and aren't so far away.
Have you yourself not seen them during this time?

I think because it is such an ongoing thing.

For example if someone was getting married or had a new job, you would have a short period of time where you invest your energy into being excited and focused on them.

With a baby, you have the entire pregnancy, then the newborn phase, then every milestone like walking/talking etc.

The mums in my life expect the level of interest and excitement to be sustained from the pregnancy announcement onwards.

It is really exhausting and in my experience sending presents and casually asking about the baby isn't "enough effort".

I also find that everything becomes about the baby and the mums in my life lose the ability to ask and show genuine interest in the lives of others for a few years.

Obviously it's an incredibly consuming and exhausting time, but at a certain stage you realise that 1) People with children and those without begin to have less and less in common and 2) The friendship becomes a party of three and it so you have double the effort expected of you.

I'm with you. How hard is it to show interest in a close friends life?

I hear what you’re saying but people change when they have kids, their priorities change.

When I had a baby my close group of friends made it clear to me that I was their friend not my baby. They said they loved ME and yes the baby was cute but they weren't particularly interested in her.
Obviously you'd hope that if your friends care about you, they'd care about the most important thing in your world too!
I remember putting photos of my baby on Facebook and they said "We'd much rather you see your face!". This particular group of friends really aren't in to babies and are rather blunt - but I appreciated their honesty. It stopped me talking about the baby all the time. I don't think I'd realised before then that they might actually not be interested. I had other baby minded people I could talk to instead.