AIBU? baby vs Hen do

[MMoon23]

I have 4 best friends who I lived with at uni
I am the only one who has had a baby. They all sent a gift when she was born 1 year ago but since then have barely asked about her, only 1 of them has ever come to see her.
None of them sent a card for her 1st birthday. 2 of them sent a text happy birthday after I posted an Instagram post which reminded them.

1 of the gang is getting married this year and all talk in the group chat is of the wedding /hen do. All 4 girls are coming to the hen do (actually being held where I live, which is also where we all went to uni) without a second thought. And are all coming to the wedding nearby a month later. None have suggested wanting to or meeting baby at this time. I feel a bit put out that they can travel so readily for this, but haven’t for me.
1 of them is recently pregnant herself and talks a bit more about it. Another one makes very minimal remarks. I know that the others are not currently trying to conceive or have fertility issues (which would make more sense)

AIBU to feel disappointed/ annoyed that no one seems to care much ? Or that my baby is worth so little effort from my best friends? My partners best friends all sent birthday cards and texts / have met baby /check in about her.

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable and self absorbed in my expectations. Is it the case that of course a hen do would trump a baby visit? I have never been to a hen do before. I am now preparing to go on said hen do and see them all for the first time since baby, so need to try to not let my resentment show… how can I do this??

i think I’m looking in the wrong places for the wrong things is the general consensus.
also I see now the events are not the same, I’ve just merged the two with my emotions. I can work to separate them out now before the party

When my first child (of 2) was born, I remember how loud her crying seemed, and that I thought 'If I'd known it would be so loud, I wouldn't have had her'. Thankfully it didn't last. I did feel a bit guilty until other mothers said they'd felt that way too for a moment. Some never get over it (and it's not their fault). People who aren't a baby's mother can find them quite trying.

Don’t take it personally but I don’t think childless friends can really be expected to care that much about your baby. Plus people are always busy. On the other hand I assume they have known the hen for years, had shared experiences, fun, maybe she’s supported them so isn’t it obvious that she will mean more to them?

They aren't your friends.
Time to move on, I wouldn't be going to the hen do. Most friendships fade and these definitely have.

I think, given your other updates, you need to consign these friends strictly to the 'mates for girl's nights out' catagory.

I really think you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you keep trying to get them involved with your 'day time' life ie: baby.

Make some good mum friends from some baby groups and they'll be on the same wavelength as you. They'll do meet ups and outing with the DCs. They'll also want some nights out too i expect and will understand the logistics of organising babysitting for those occasions which makes a lot of difference!

@landbeforegrime i agree with everything you have said. When I think back to when the first person in our group had a baby, none of us had much interest at all to be honest. None of us knew. We didn't even have nieces or nephews for comparison. Whereas now I would be much more available to her for visits and have more interest in a baby. I do feel bad when I think back but nothing any of us can do, we were just at different stages of life. I would never ever send a birthday card though and very often forget it's the child's birthday unless I see it on social media or my friend talks about planning a birthday party 😂

Jesus this is very extreme. I wouldn't agree with this at all!

They're way too young to give kids any thought.

To be honest a hen do/wedding is pretty different to popping over to see baby, however I can see why you're upset that in general they haven't taken much interest. Whilst I agree that people often don't have much interest in others babies, I do find it strange that they never ask or mention in addition to never visiting.

As politely as possible... are you coming across to them as one of those parents who have children and only talk about the child? Are your invites very focused on the child so they think they're going to be "stuck" watching a baby do baby things for ages, not chat on FT etc?

They might just not be interested in baby things. Especially as they aren't moms yet. You might see a difference in the one who is now pregnant.

Also, if one is having fertility issues, perhaps they're finding it a little insensitive and hard to be around if they want a baby but can't?

Once you become a parent i think your friends slot into different catagories.

There are old school mates - with or without kids of their own.
Old work mates - with or without ect ect
Mum mates from nursery/school
New work mates or mates from current hobbies.

All these people - they're all valuable friends but for different aspects of you. Some i only see with my DC, some i only see when we've got a glass in our hands ...

When i got married and a lot of them were in the same room together for the first and only time and it blew my mind to be honest! 😂😂

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your 4 best friends to be interested in your baby. I couldn't imagine not being interested in my friends' children and always ask about them despite not being a parent myself. I try to remember to send birthday cards or a birthday message at least - it does get a bit tricky with the sheer numbers but I do keep a log of when everyone's birthdays are and their children's as well.

I don't know if this is a bit unusual though. I've recently become an auntie and no one seems particularly interested in that even though to me it is massive and I keep telling people about it. Some people just aren't that interested in children/ babies I guess.

Op it sounds like you're ready to move on from this.

I must say, I made friends with this one woman just after she had her first baby and I was about to pop with mine. She was a complete stranger but she became my closest friend and has been for 6 years now. We were going through similar things and at similar times, or at least we could understand each other. She became the support I didn't know I needed and vice versa.

Having someone who understands what you're going through is vital I think. I personally think having someone who has a baby around the same time as you is so great for all the above reasons.

If I were you, I'd try and meet some people with 1 year olds. You might find the support you feel your missing from your friends.

I'm sorry OP, but arranging calls so people can meet her is a bit cringeworthy. I recall a friend who would have her baby 'chat' on the phone, if I'd called her for a catch up (I stopped calling for a while). I wanted to talk to my friend, not her baby.

I have no interest in other people’s children. I feel slightly uncomfortable when my friends do send birthday gifts for my DC as I feel like surely they’re doing it only because they feel obliged - the baby isn’t their friend.

I’m sorry but that made me laugh
Having said that if I had agreed to turn up I would but I probably would have found a very good reason not to agree in the first place.

That’s a shame OP.

My best friends are from uni and we’ve remained very close for 20 + years now. We’re all genuinely interested in each other’s lives and always have been, whether it’s been a wedding or a baby or something else. I can’t imagine not being interested in my friends children and them in mine. We’re all like extra parents/aunts to each other’s children.

I suppose you either accept that they’re not interested or just let things fade out.

To clarify it wasn’t a FaceTime WITH the baby 🤣🤣 it was when she was much younger and so I thought we could all FaceTime and chat, she could be napping on me. Then they could at least see her in real time. Put a face to a name as it were. But maybe not everyone would like that .

I thought it would be cute to see a little baby at that age, and would personally like to have seen my friends children at least once. Totally get about them not being interested beyond the bare minimum, but kind of just expected a meet and then a check in every now and again. Maybe a card

I see now however that there are so many different views and standards and maybe no one is ‘wrong’. I think I need to just move on and redirect my energies so I can be a bit more fulfilled in my friendships 😊I could probably use the fun party every now and again though, so maybe it will all work out that way!

Though I don't have children I do show interest in my friends' children because the children are important to my friends IYSWIM. But not to the extent you are suggesting. I have no idea when their birthdays even are! I know roughly what school years they are in and ask about their welfare when I meet up with the friend, or say hello and chat if I see them myself. But my friends are the people I want to see / spend time with, not their children.

In the early years obviously they come as a package, but can't imagine joining a facetime to "meet" the baby. And I certainly wouldn't travel to do it - baby visits are only usually an hour or two in the early days so I wouldn't want to spend a whole weekend (+travel/hotel costs) just for a visit.

That's nonsense. Most people don't get the baby stage until they have a child themselves, or until they get older, and that's fine.

How many child-free women feel completely abandoned by their friends who had babies?

It' s a different stage, but it does not last, no need to ruin all your friendships. It's fine to have mums friends, school mums friends, work friends, and so on.

Don't invite friends to "meet the baby", but you can organise a small gathering, barbecue or cocktails or whatever you have space for.

A hard thing about having kids is that you sometimes just lose your friends as a result. Not being interested in your baby is one thing, but you might meet up and find you have nothing in common any more.

After a few years, your lifestyles can be so different that you don't want to hear about lie-ins and fancy holidays and gigs etc, they don't want to hear about sleeplessness and potties and first words. You just have to let it be how it will be.

I love babies so I would have definitely FaceTimed you.
However as others have said some people are not interested in babies until they have their own.
Have fun at the hen do, it will be a nice way to reconnect without a baby.
In a couple of years you may find your group is all baby minded.

When my friends started having babies, the rest of us used to think and say 'With her, it's just baby baby baby! Then when I had mine, with me it was just baby baby baby!.

I mean, how far away you live is relevant, but I would come and visit my friend and her baby if I could.

People tend to make more effort for hen dos because they're a one off thing on a set date and they haven't chosen the location, so it's kind of a case of "come to this place on this date or not at all", whereas with a baby there is no specific time you need to visit and so it's easier to put it on the back burner.

But yes, I would visit a close friend after she had a baby, for sure (and have done so many times).

Dont think of it as a snub, its apples and oranges comparing a hen do to seeing your baby, a hen do is a fun chance for friends to have a catch up and let their hair down. When DD was younger I did the 1 year birthday party as an excuse to get friends together for a few drinks and a catch up (first birthdays are 100% for the parents as we all know). I have kids but for the life of me I couldnt tell you what my friends kids birthdays are, so not mentioning it to you until you posted on Instagram is totally normal as well