AIBU? baby vs Hen do

[MMoon23]

I have 4 best friends who I lived with at uni
I am the only one who has had a baby. They all sent a gift when she was born 1 year ago but since then have barely asked about her, only 1 of them has ever come to see her.
None of them sent a card for her 1st birthday. 2 of them sent a text happy birthday after I posted an Instagram post which reminded them.

1 of the gang is getting married this year and all talk in the group chat is of the wedding /hen do. All 4 girls are coming to the hen do (actually being held where I live, which is also where we all went to uni) without a second thought. And are all coming to the wedding nearby a month later. None have suggested wanting to or meeting baby at this time. I feel a bit put out that they can travel so readily for this, but haven’t for me.
1 of them is recently pregnant herself and talks a bit more about it. Another one makes very minimal remarks. I know that the others are not currently trying to conceive or have fertility issues (which would make more sense)

AIBU to feel disappointed/ annoyed that no one seems to care much ? Or that my baby is worth so little effort from my best friends? My partners best friends all sent birthday cards and texts / have met baby /check in about her.

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable and self absorbed in my expectations. Is it the case that of course a hen do would trump a baby visit? I have never been to a hen do before. I am now preparing to go on said hen do and see them all for the first time since baby, so need to try to not let my resentment show… how can I do this??

Yanbu. Some of my best friends have kids well before I did. They mean the world to me.

Other people's babies are just not that interesting. I think unless they are actively in your life then it's even more removed. I've never sent a birthday card to my friends for their dc, neither have I received one. I couldn't care less. Have you been proactive in asking them to visit or arranging a mutual place to meet?

Had*

To most, a hen do and wedding is way more of an event than visiting a friends baby. They will be excited, comparing outfits and making a big deal of the weekend.
I do understand you're feeling a bit put out/left out.. but I think their behaviour is entirely normal.
Ask yourself- what is it you would actually want them to do for your baby? There's not much they can do to be invested in someone elses kid. I'm sure if you invited them to something (birthday party, christening, girls night out, whatever,) they would be there with bells on!

You haven't seen any of them for a year!

Really sorry OP but they're not really close friends.

Sorry but YABU. Did you invite them over to meet baby, arrange meet ups etc? There's so many posts on MN about new mums not wanting visits, it actually puts me off suggesting visiting friends who have a baby (I don't).

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. It’s been really helpful. Clearly I needed to hear some fresh perspectives!!! And some really interesting points made.

I think it’s more that I wanted some friend support for me over the past year, it’s been an intense one (!) rather than wanting their interest in the baby for being a baby, but I had absolutely zero clue about what motherhood entailed before I became a mother so everyone’s right in questioning why I’d expect them to be different in this sense.

mum friends may be the way forward 😊

I have invited them lots of times yes, but it’s always yes and then no somethings come up, maybe another time… but it doesn’t happen ever. Same with when I try to arrange face time calls so they can see her, ‘meet’ her that way, I’m left waiting with no one joining the call 🤣

Have yo u actually invited them to see baby op? Like oh now I'm back n my feet, I'd love you to come and meet baby? Or said ooh were up your way, would you like to meet me and Baby for coffee?

Even with the hen do, have you said as its in our town, perhaps we can meet up earlier and you can meet Baby?

I do think it's a bit off they've not asked, but it does seem to be the MN way

See I get what people are saying re your baby is your world and basically they're just not that important to others, but REAL friends care about what you care about regardless of their own feelings around it. I know my friends love games an movies, so I ask if they've seen anything or plad anything new lately. I couldn't care less what actually is but everyone deserves to feel like they matter and there's no better feeling than to know your loved ones are interested in you and your life. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to be sad they never made the effort, I completely understand it. I had a friend who was similar, in the 6 years I lived where I did she only once made the 30 min drive to see me,I went to hers countless times, multiple times a month. People's effort is a reflection of their interest imho, and while I'm sure they're still lovely people maybe it's just a sign you're growing in different directions.

Have you actually invited any of them to stay? Or organised a meet up? Because if not then you can't really complain.

It is sometimes hard being the first one in a group to have a baby. I am definitely more exited about friend's babies now I have children of my own. Pre DCs babies seemed a little alien to me and it wouldn't cross my mind to arrange a long distance visit to meet a friend's one without an invitation. If you had arranged a Christening, naming ceremony etc I suspect things would be different. As the saying goes an open invitation is no invitation at all.

Now baby is older maybe I change tack and suggest half way meet

Well done for listening OP.

Find some mum friends with similar age kids- they'll coo over your baby and give you the understanding you need.

When your friends have kids, be the support to them you wish you'd had- I actually have received a couple of apologies from people who realized they'd been a bit crap when I had my babies, and we're closer for it. At the moment they don't get it, try not to take it personally.

In a few years you'll be grateful to have your old gal pals to go out with and do something non child related.

Having seen your updates (esp the one about them leaving you hanging alone on an arranged video call)- you may consider them your best friends, but I don't think they consider you theirs. Sorry OP.

Other peoples babies are really boring. Fun nights out are less so. Apples and oranges.

I think where you’re going wrong is conflating the hen do and the baby. Two completely separate things and not at all comparable.
Honestly, your friends probably aren’t interested in your baby. However, a good friend would at least try to show an interest; ask about her, arrange a time to meet her while they were in the area anyway.

Good friends, such as I suspect you thought these women were, would show some interest in one of the group having a baby.

Unless they live at opposite ends of the country to you, then I would have expected a visit at some point in the first year of baby being born, if they care about you at all!

It's hurtful, but not surprising that they're showing more interest in the hen do than your baby, as you'll have seen from a lot of responses on here people don't really seem to care about their friends anymore / social 'niceties' have gone out the window - sadly.

Sorry this is happening to you OP 💐

Sorry, cross posted.

Then sorry OP but I think you need new friends. Not saying ditch these girls, but don't name them everything.

When I had DS, and OK he says v poorly so it made a difference but my friends made the effort. When my friend had her baby, we couldn't wait to go visit. When my other friend had hers during covid we couldn't wait to get the all clear. That's friendship - you love it so I'm interested in it.

Get to some baby groups, speak to the Moms at nursery etc and make a new circle.

I assume the wedding is child free

You were friends at uni, and now have moved on with different stages of your lives. Through their actions they have made it clear they are now friendly acquaintances. Nothing wrong with that. They are happy to get together and reminisce with you. But they are no longer a part of your daily life.

You are a young woman with a baby. They are young women living their lives. Your lives have taken different motorway exits. Enjoy the times you meet up, and find new people to be part of your daily life of birthdays and happenings.

People aren't often interested until they have a child/become a parent themselves. Once that happens, I think people often get it, or then know what having a child is like.

Have you ever asked them to come and visit or arranged for them to meet the baby. It's also a two way street.

The things that matter the very most to your best friend should be something you can fake some interest in to make them feel supported.

Eeesh cross posted with your updates. Perhaps these are just fun time friends OP, not life long besties

I look back on when my the first person in our group had a baby. I saw her soon after but more because she put out the invite, it may not have occurred to me otherwise to visit purely because she had given birth. My logic was she is in a different phase of her life, I was happy for her but could not relate at all or get my head round the enormity of it. Now I have a DC I would be entirely different living through that again and realise how I may well have come across as insensitive and uncaring. I really wasn't, I just didn't get it at all from her perspective. I was very indifferent to children then. When you have your own it's very different.

this is a really lovely way to look at it I think. Thank you ❤️