AIBU? baby vs Hen do

[MMoon23]

I have 4 best friends who I lived with at uni
I am the only one who has had a baby. They all sent a gift when she was born 1 year ago but since then have barely asked about her, only 1 of them has ever come to see her.
None of them sent a card for her 1st birthday. 2 of them sent a text happy birthday after I posted an Instagram post which reminded them.

1 of the gang is getting married this year and all talk in the group chat is of the wedding /hen do. All 4 girls are coming to the hen do (actually being held where I live, which is also where we all went to uni) without a second thought. And are all coming to the wedding nearby a month later. None have suggested wanting to or meeting baby at this time. I feel a bit put out that they can travel so readily for this, but haven’t for me.
1 of them is recently pregnant herself and talks a bit more about it. Another one makes very minimal remarks. I know that the others are not currently trying to conceive or have fertility issues (which would make more sense)

AIBU to feel disappointed/ annoyed that no one seems to care much ? Or that my baby is worth so little effort from my best friends? My partners best friends all sent birthday cards and texts / have met baby /check in about her.

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable and self absorbed in my expectations. Is it the case that of course a hen do would trump a baby visit? I have never been to a hen do before. I am now preparing to go on said hen do and see them all for the first time since baby, so need to try to not let my resentment show… how can I do this??

YABVU. A hen do is something everyone can take part in and enjoy.

Seeing a baby isn’t a priority for anyone but immediate family because other peoples kids aren’t interesting.

Peoples babies are super boring before you have your own baby and friendships change.

I really find the "no one else cares about your baby" attitude extremely odd. Firstly it's not remotely my experience, my friends certainly care about my baby. Secondly, even if they didn't, they care about me! Any half decent friend will make an effort to at least feign a little interest in the things that are important to you.

I don't understand why so many people are happy to have "friendships" where apparently you literally don't care about each others life at all. I wouldn't constitute that a friend - that's an acquaintance at best 🤷‍♀️

Before dc, I would have dragged myself over hot coals to attend a party / hen do, but avoided a baby like the plague, as though getting pregnant was somehow contagious. To me babies are interesting when they start to do stuff - walk, talk, etc, but until then, they are terrifying. Please don't be offended, it doesn't mean you aren't important to them.

People change massively when they have babies and many friendships will die.
before I had kids babies were the most boring topic and new parents the most boring people.
it’s ok to grow apart from friends when life changes. Friends don’t have to all be for life.

My lifelong best friend hasn't seen my son since he was 4 and he's 7 now! She met him a handful of times. She lives in a different city and when she does come back to visit we go on nights out. She asks about him when I see her and that's enough for me, however when he was a baby/toddler I used to feel how you do. I've found as my son has gotten older I have 'mum' friends I see (and go on evenings out with) and friends I see who are single/childless. I had my son at 23 and a handful of friends have gradually entered my life again as they've started having children. Try not to feel resentful and enjoy the hen do, you will have a good time!

They sound rubbish OP, I was the first in my group of four mates to have a baby and they were all so excited and lovely – I FaceTimed them from my hospital bed the day I had my first! And one of them is actively “anti kids”, as in doesn’t want her own and zero interest in babies. I know people don’t really “get it” before they have their own, but any decent friend would recognise what a momentous thing it is and check in with you.

I think everyone’s right in that you’ve grown apart, perhaps before your baby arrived. Definitely try to get out there and meet some new people. And go and enjoy the hen do and wedding, you might find it easier to reconnect in person.

This!!

It’s tricky, you’re the first in the group to have a baby if I’m reading it correctly so it’s likely to go one of two ways - everyone is amazed by it or the opposite. Whilst your own babies are your world to others they’re often boring (no offence obviously) as they don’t really “do” anything. To be honest, even having two DCs I’m not that interested in other babies.

Hi @MMoon23

I have 3 school mates who I have known for over 30 years. We have 7 DC between us.

There was a quiet 5 years in our friendship when the 1st one started to have babies and when the last one started to have DC (that was me). Your world becomes about the DC and less on other stuff.

Putting it bluntly, other people's babies are dull. Even your best friend's DC.

I send texts on their birthdays if I remember but I often don't.

I still love my friends. We still meet each other about 6 times a year and go away together. They are still my favourite people other than my family

Hen do's usurp visiting babies.

You need to make local mum friends.

Wow, I seem to be massively in the minority here. I think it's a real shame that your best friends have shown so little interest in a life-changing event in your life.

I get what people are saying about babies not being very interesting to everybody, but it's not like you thought your baby was going to be some fascinating main attraction for your friends, but that maybe your best friends might be a bit more interested in how you were doing, given that something so huge had just happened in your life. I don't only show interest in my friends' lives when they're doing something I'm personally interested in. I care because they're my friends and I'm interested in their lives and experiences.

Anyway, it sounds like you've come to a good place, and getting towards making peace with the status of these friendships now, OP, and I don't want to undo that by ranting! I am surprised though at how many people seem to think it's normal to not show interest in a close friend having a baby, simply because they themselves might not love babies. To me friendship is more about community and support than simply doing interesting things.

I have no interest in other people’s children. At all. And I don’t expect anyone to have interest in mine, because kids are supremely boring/limiting to anyone except their own families.

I think most people feel the same way as me on that score.

Yes, this! Babies are boring u til you have them but your friends aren’t! OP, your friends are crap.

This is your baby not your friends.
Your baby is the centre of your world but not theirs.
People really aren’t that interested in other peoples babies.

You've moved on to a different stage of life.

Find new friends.

YABU .I think it is normal to
Have next to no interest in babies until you have own yourself.

I can see how it'd be hurtful to think they don't care about this very important part of your life.

But there is a big difference between them not showing the initiative to arrange to visit vs. them not accepting an invitation to visit.

If you've sent an invitation "Hey let's get together, it'd be great to introduce you to [name] and we can have coffee/lunch" - and they have ignore or repeatedly declined. That's unkind.

The only friends of mine interested in my son were those that had had children and those TTC. They had a rough Idea of when his birthday was. But not the exact date.

I was excited and happy for my friends when they had babies, both before and after I became a mother myself. I guess once I had my own baby I could relate more, but overall my friendships haven't changed due to our child or not child status.

OP your friends should pretty self absorbed.

I think you and your friends are on different paths. But those paths could rejoin. Make new friends but I think make an effort to reconnect with your old friends too.
Forgive them for their lack of baby excitement. They haven't experienced that yet and probably just don't understand it.
Re the questions in your post.
The hen and wedding are one off occasions, so they are different, but also more likely to happen, than just an average meet up for no reason.
I don't think everyone monitors social media or Instagram photos as much as you think. Knowing people who have to for their jobs - they have become utterly sick of it and how much time it takes up and have stopped interacting unless they absolutely have to - so I would ignore that and focus on messaging them directly if you want to connect.
Birthdays - I usually do a congrats on birth card - but unless its children in our families I don't usually remember to send birthday cards - unless I've met them, or am invited to something and I know its the person's child's birthday card.

So I guess I'm saying - give it another go - meet up with them without baby, show them a max of 4-5 pics on your phone and try to reconnect with them as your former self. Baby is part of your life, but maybe reconnect with who you were before you had your lovely baby for an evening. ie have a night off and it will do you good. Keep in touch with them and when you do meet up in real life it will be a real gas and you will feel young again.

I know you feel a bit neglected but if after giving it another go - you still get no response, you will know its not your fault. People grow apart, and you can focus on making new friends. Good luck

To my shame I couldn't have cared less about my friends babies - until I had my own. Yabu

Sorry, I think your friends are being horrible. I think they should have visited at least once. When they start having children (or when your friends baby is born) they will expect everyone to be all over their baby and be upset when you don’t give a shit!
I know life is at different stages for people, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore what is happening to your friends. I would have seen a friend with a baby (more than once) even if I didn’t have children.

My best friends are firmly child free and will remain so. I make an effort not to be a mummy bore on the group chat but they actually actively ask and show an interest in my children, ask to come and see them sometimes (kids get very excited to see their daft Aunties!)
Apparently my friends are rare gems rather than just garden variety good mates with no interest in the most important thing in the life of their friend.
Personally I find it a little much that people are expected to use up days of annual leave not to mention hundreds of pounds celebrating other people's weddings.
Next to that expectation, a quick "how are you, how's baby getting on?" text is nothing.

Wow I find these responses really odd! I had my 1st baby really young, so about 7 years before my friends started having theirs. They all sent text messages, cards, gifts, met him at the first opportunity, and came to his subsequent birthdays when they could.

Okay so babies are not interesting in and of themselves, but the same could be said of so many details of our friends lives! We love our friends, we celebrate what makes them happy and support them in times of need. How does a baby not fit into that? I can't imagine not showing interest in a friend's baby just because I didnt have my own yet. Are they incapable of empathy and the basic human realisation that a baby is a big event on the human scale, and worth celebrating?

It was the same for me when I h as my son almost 19 years ago. I was 30 but none of my friends had babies and none of them visited me or really bothered. You’re friends just don’t get it because they don’t have a baby and even though it’s rightly a massive deal for you, for them, there’s no night out/getting dressed up/anything in it for them. Hence the interest in the hen do. A couple of years later my bf had a baby and I went to the hospital to visit her with gifts and she said how it must have been horrible that none of my friends visited or bothered when I had my baby. I think unless they’re a brilliant friend (she was my bf but a crap friend and I’ve just finally cut her out of my life after 35 years) your non mum friends let you down when you’ve had a baby. They don’t get it, but I get why they don’t get it.