To be annoyed with a friend who is perpetually late

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a friend who is great, fun, interesting, kind. But she is literally late to everything...if I say meet between 7.00 to 7.30 she will arrive at 8.15 ...Or ask to change the time at 7.25...I can put up with it to an extent if I am in my flat but it's when you're waiting to do something like this evening outdoors and instead of doing it in daylight your going to do it in the dark. She doesn't have reasons other than just not getting her act together. How do I mention this or should I suck it up?

It's the giggly "Ooooo what am I like?" that enrages me with some people like this; we all get it wrong sometimes, but surely the thing to do is apologise and try to do better in future?

It's not clear if you've already explained how you feel to them, OP, but if so and it's made no difference I guess you have to choose whether the friendship's worth it

No its not. It speaks to the crux of the issue which is: if something was important or valuable to THEM they'd somehow, miraculously find the time to be there. The fact they can be so careless about other's time and energy shows that its of no importance to them at all. This is exactly why people are hurt- the selfishness of not giving a shit about anyone else and yet the sudden ability to manage time when its something for them. Can you not see this?

I can see that you think in black and white.

Being late doesn't mean that you ascribe no importance to other people's time or don't give a shit about them. It may mean that you have other stuff going on in your life that the other person doesn't know about. It may mean that being on time is very difficult for you. It may mean that you don't have the brain space to give focus to keeping to time, when you yourself don't place a lot of importance for timekeeping.

If it's a matter or life or death or a million pounds, of course it has a higher priority in your mind. Can you not see this?

This exactly...why is their time more important than yours. I find it exhausting and eventually stop making plans. Exhausting because I have to control myself from not getting in a mood or exhausting because I have to tell them the wrong time ie half hour early yo make it all run smoothly. I have not invited my friend to something recently even though it's something she would like because there are others going and I would be embarrassed that we are all waiting for her and I invited her

Nah. If a friend expresses that your lateness is causing them massive inconvenience and annoyance then either tell them and communicate your difficulties so you can navigate it together or make later arrangements. It DOES show a lack of care for their time and you can justify it all your want but it makes you a very selfish friend. That friend may have arranged childcare, they may have other appointments, they may be going through stuff themselves. The very fact that the poll shows the majority find this behaviour rude and unreasonable shows you are wrong I'm afraid.

Its rude AF. I will wait 20 mins and no more. If they arent there then I leave. I have more important stuff to do with my life than endlessly wait around for someone.

Interestingly, I have found that when you start leaving they suddenly manage to start turning up on time- funny that.

I've a mate like this so I always tell her the meeting time is 20 minutes earlier than actually is so sometimes don't wait too long. Once she was there waiting for me to arrive .

I think someone mentioned it above. Maybe she has ADHD which means she can't help it

I have a friend like this and she's gotten worse over the years because she always gets away with it or it's passed off as a joke.
I rang up to get my dc their covid jab as soon as the letter came through and the nearest appointment was 25 minutes drive away. I had to finish work early and rush over for the appointment. She never rang them and so the surgery rang asking why and then booked her in to the local surgery on the same day that I had to rush to another centre despite having no appointments available on line.
She doesn't book parents evening appointments by the deadline and school chase her up and squeeze her in. She didn't book her dc onto residential trip on time and they extended the deadline just for her because "you know what she's like!".
I've had to accept that she will never change because there's never consequences and she doesn't seem to realise how rude it is to feel her time is more important than others.
I've stopped doing joint birthday parties for our DC because I'd have to set it all up and greet all the parents and she'd amble in 20 minutes late!

Laters gonna late. The greatest gift to the laties is children. They think they finally have a socially acceptable reason for their lateness.

All my punctual friends pre-kids remained punctual after kids. All of the laties of course remained late after kids.

There is nothing worse than standing about with your own young children, waiting for a latie. The worst was standing outside a ticketed show for nearly a hour with a newborn, an 18 month old and a 3 year old, waiting for someone who held the tickets. I’ve dropped these selfish people.

Sorry, but I would be rethinking that friendship.

@purplecorkheart I did remain friends with her but have lived in a different country since soon after the wedding, which was over 35 years ago, so it's rather a distant sort of friendship. I am however glad I remained in touch over the years, because, strangely, it was through her that I met my lovely second husband!

My sister can be like this.. but she never changes the time. I just tell her the time about an hour earlier so she actually does arrive on time. But sisters abit different to a friend. If it was my friend I'd be saying it's cool if you can't come, you make you're own way there whenever u can. You listening to her let's her do it every time.

This. I’d just go home and tell them when I got home that I was cancelling.

I hate it too op and the giggling oh what am I like... just leave on time lol. My friend got better as realised people have lives too. Its not nice as if you have apts on later it effects that too if they delay you

My friend is awful for this, recently she had an appointment and said she would be home for 11 so we could go do something we planned. She finally called to say she was ready at 1.30! Luckily, knowing what she is like, I had got on with other things whilst I waited. She had the cheek last time I saw her to moan about her mum being late to meet her! They had arranged to meet at 10 and her mum turned up at 2.15! her daughter has also picked up this habit and so my DD doesnt make so much effort to see her any more. My DP says I need to tell her that it is a pain but I love her so she gets away with it

It may be all those things, stuff going on etc. but serial offenders generally it’s because they don’t give a shit about the person waiting or what’s going on in their lives!

That's your interpretation @Billyho but plenty of tardy people have answered to say why they are always late and not one of them feels this way about the person waiting for them.

Do you know their minds better than they do?

@2pence There aren't any good reasons for being late on here. It all reads CBA to me.

So those who have an undiagnosed or undisclosed disability where time-blindness is a recognised symptom just can't be arsed to be organised and on time?

How about people with visible disabilities, can they just not be arsed to be able-bodied by this same thinking?

@2pence yeah if you like.
I obviously don't mean people who are disabled.

But there are people here saying they do have diagnoses with time-blindness and you've said their "excuses on here" come down to CBA.

Also the people who say they are time-blind absolutely do not think they're more important than the person waiting for them. In fact they think the opposite and report low self esteem, so maybe you need to address your fixed mindset about hidden disabilities.

I asked this upthread, but do time-blind people warn their friends that they’re likely to be late? It only seems fair.

Does anyone actually know of anyone who has time blindness ? None of my friends have said it. It tends to be because they are squeezing too many things in...

Yeah, that's time-blindness. The inability to accurately predict how long things take in reality.