To be annoyed with a friend who is perpetually late

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a friend who is great, fun, interesting, kind. But she is literally late to everything...if I say meet between 7.00 to 7.30 she will arrive at 8.15 ...Or ask to change the time at 7.25...I can put up with it to an extent if I am in my flat but it's when you're waiting to do something like this evening outdoors and instead of doing it in daylight your going to do it in the dark. She doesn't have reasons other than just not getting her act together. How do I mention this or should I suck it up?

I have a long time friend like this, usually i just adjust the meeting time when we get together, we went on holiday together on a tour, I told her what time and where she had to be and left her to it, when she realised I wouldn't wait she managed it. If it didn't matter, I just did my own thing and didn't stress. She was the one who missed out if she was late. We are still friends 😁
I used to manage a colleague who was perpetually late. She was famous for it, and other colleagues who were friends out of the workplace said she was late for everything, too, including flights and doctors' appointments. A nightmare to manage as she would claim her health condition ( covered by DDA) had flared and was the cause whenever she was taken to disciplinary stages. I was glad when she left. Apparently, she is still late for work, she wfh!😂

My MIL is invariably late. In all other aspects of life she is incredibly organised, and she is convinced that she organises her time well but just very unlucky that things beyond her control that make her late happen to her a lot. From what I have seen, what actually happens is:
a) she works out what time she needs to leave and what time she needs to start getting ready etc but always only factors in the minimum time it will take. So she never factors in any time for traffic etc
b) when she works out the time she needs to start getting ready, this is again the minimum time she could take. But in reality she takes extra time to decide what to wear etc
c) despite only leaving herself this minimal amount of time to get anywhere, she never has any sense of urgency. So if she was initially planning, for example, to put some washing on/have a cup of tea/call a friend before she leaves she will still do this even if she is running late.

She really does seem genuinely baffled as to why it's always her that is late

The majority of people like this simply think they are more important than you.

I had to drop a friend like this. I would arrive to collect her and she’d have just got out of the shower rather than be ready to leave. Then she would make me late too.

I don’t put up with that kind of shit any more.

Dp had a friend who's always without fail is late
I was once at work for 8am,so had got up at 6:30am
We'd agreed to have his dog for the week and agreed he'd drop ddog off at about 4:30pm-id be home just after 4pm
He rolled up at 12:15am!
I've never been so angry in my life-if it hadn't been for dp I would have just locked the door and gone to bed-the problem is,that if I'd gone to bed,I would have woken up at him knocking on the door and I'd have been awake for the rest of the night
Just last night,he texted to ask if he could borrow £10
Fine-come by 10pm at the latest
We are still waiting for him to swing round for it-no text or call

It winds me up no end-thankfully he's early if his mum is with him-she takes no crap and shunts him out of the door

It's selfish and lazy

I had a friend like this. 'i'll be 10 minutes'. Still no sign after 40 minutes.

Ironically, after no contact for 2 years, I just received an invite to her wedding... They've postponed it... Because she was late 😉.

I hve a friend like this. For her birthday a few years ago our friendship geoup gave her a giant clock. Shes still late. I now show up 45mins lte when we do something and it works like that

10 posts in & we have ADHD or mental health problems.

Who had that on their "Reasons people are perpetually late" bingo cards?

Anyone?

Alternatively it could be that they're lazy, don't value anyone else's time over their own, couldn't be arsed, or a myriad of other reasons.
🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤦🏼‍♀️

I find lateness is just not compatible with what I want in a friendship. So my persistently late friends are all ex friends.

My advice @Livelifelaughter would be to tell your friend the time she needs to be at the location/event/restaurant/ whatever, and follow up with "and if you're not there in time, I'm going into the event without you"

See if they show up. No reason why you should miss out on things because your friend is perpetually late.

If they show up late, they can join you, if they don't show, well you've been able to enjoy whatever it was you were planning on doing. Or you could go home.

I have ADHD and I certainly don't act as if my time is more important than everyone else's and leave people hanging around waiting for me. Don't blame ADHD for rudeness and selfishness.

I wish I had the nerve to do this

I have ADHD was hideously late when I was younger including flights , hair appointments . I am much better now but it takes a massive effort and practice managing myself. People did make it clear they were fed up though. My husband is massively stressed when I insist on pushing the time when we fly so I now make a massive effort to avoid this.

Tell her for her own sake.

Genuinely cannot be bothered with people who consider their own time more important than my time. We can all be late occasionally but if it is a trend I now just don’t bother…so disrespectful!

It sounds like you are very fond of this friend, so it is worth working around her chronic lateness.

If I were you, I would make sure always to plan things in such a way that you won't be too inconvenienced when she's late. For example, if you're going out together, ask her to meet at your house and you'll leave from there. If you decide to meet in the park, bring a book and only do it early enough in the day that it won't cut into your evening even though you've waited an hour for her. Ask her to text you as she leaves the house, and only leave your house then.

You may as well acknowledge her lateness in a matter-of-fact way when you are making arrangements. You don't need an elephant in the room. So you could say, "No, I can't agree to meet at 3pm because we both know you'll actually come at 3:45 and then I won't get off home before 5:30. That's too late for me. Let's meet at 2 instead, shall we?" Or, "No, I don't want to meet outside the cinema because you're always late and I don't like standing in the cold. I'll just go on in without you and sit by the popcorn stand. If you arrive after the film starts, come in and find me. I'll aim to sit in the front right side." It doesn't have to be said in a nasty way.

Sorry, I don't understand this, I am genuinely curious.

How can you miss flights if you've set alarm clocks, etc? I get anxious around meeting train, flight times etc to the point that I am there sometimes 2 hours before departure.

Fuck "be kind" and allowing extra time as a PP suggested.
Even if it were ADHD, it's no excuse for persistent lateness. I've got severe, combined ADHD and worked my arse off around the areas I struggle with, such as executive function (dysfunctional, in my case) and time blindness.
My flat is adorned with schedules, reminders and I have multiple alarms set throughout the day to keep me on track. So, nowadays, I'm ordinarily roo early.
Persistent lateness is rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't stay friends with someone who is clearly communicating in her behaviour that she does not value your time.

I disagree with the theory that people who are late 'think their time is more important than yours' and are arrogant about it, and so on.

When I've experienced this, it's generally been friends who are anxious. They are very apologetic about it. Anxiety is a monster for some people and I've found that its REALLY affects time keeping with them.

It just doesn't bother me hugely tbh. I can live with lateness in friends who otherwise are good people.

My ds is like this. I have learned what plans I can and cannot make with her. I wouldn’t ask her to go to the cinema or see a show.

More often I go to her house than she comes to mine. If I’m having a gathering or something like that at mine I’ll tell her the start and end time. I know she won’t arrive at the start time but then that’s her bad if she’s travelled to my house just for a short time.

I wouldn’t expect your friend to change but you can work with it in a way that suits you.

I had a friend like this. She’d invite us to dinner, but when we arrived nothing had been thought of or prepared. She’d start to put something together then say she’d burnt it so needed to go out and buy the ingredients again. We’d wait for an hour for her return then she’d say she just popped in to see her mum as well. She then sent her DH to get the dining room ready while she cooked so we were left to talk to each other for another hour.

We stopped at a chippie on the way home. Never accepted another invite.

Ugh so annoying. I have a fifteen minute cut off where I carry on without them or go home.

I struggle with time keeping if I allow myself. But if I really have to be somewhere like work I manage to be on time unless a genuine reason like a traffic jam. So yes it might be hard but if you prepare extra time there isn't an excuse. What helped me was when I heard someone say about lateness, it's like viewing your time is more important than theirs. It's not so make the effort to get there on time.

Set the times to an eg hour earlier than needed @Livelifelaughter

Oh here we go. Be kind = be a doormat and let someone walk all over you. I hate this ‘be kind’ crap. OP’s time is just as important as her flaky friend’s. Why should she be inconvenienced and disrespected by someone who clearly gives her no consideration whatsoever? It’s bloody rude.

Just why? Is the friend five years old?

Do you not think that the friend will realise that is what’s happening and still be late?

hoe about, just drop the ride friend and get on with not being left hanging about like a fool?

I had a friend like this. I was once 2 minutes late which he moaned at, but didn't get my issue with him being late constantly. He lived 5 minutes away so had no excuse such as traffic.

Or he'd turn up early (even though he'd text me a time) and whinge that I'd kept him waiting.