To be annoyed with a friend who is perpetually late

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a friend who is great, fun, interesting, kind. But she is literally late to everything...if I say meet between 7.00 to 7.30 she will arrive at 8.15 ...Or ask to change the time at 7.25...I can put up with it to an extent if I am in my flat but it's when you're waiting to do something like this evening outdoors and instead of doing it in daylight your going to do it in the dark. She doesn't have reasons other than just not getting her act together. How do I mention this or should I suck it up?

I make a point now of being overdramatic when he's actually on time.

"Oh! What time do you call this?!" 🤣

I wouldn't be dealing with that

Presumably they manage to be on time for doctors appointments

It's often bad habits and choice. My dad is always late as he "just needs to do this one thing" before leaving.

My db has ADHD and is always late too, but never to work. Odd that.

I had a friend like this at uni. It did annoy me but I loved the rest of her so put up with it. She was my maid of honour, I told her the wedding was at 3 when it was at 4. She arrived at 4.15 🤔

Surely you just arrange to meet half an hour earlier then turn up late yourself???

I agree. I had a friend that did this constantly and she didn’t have mental health issues or ADHD. She was just disorganised. I expressed to her that waiting for her gave me anxiety which was true, and nothing changed so I then told her I’d wait 20 mins and then I’d leave. And I did that. Within a month she miraculously started being on time.

It could be ADHD or mental disorder, just be kind and add extra time

Have you ever considered that being perpetually late causes the person waiting to feel anxious? It does for me. That’s not very “kind” is it? Why is it kindness goes only one way? This be kind crap seems to me to mean we have to just put up with poor behaviour no matter how shitty it makes us feel and I don’t think that’s ok, or kind.

I'm surprised at the comments ... Look, people aren't perfect and that's just the way it goes. If this wasn't a problem for you something else would have been.

I'm afraid so e people just can't get organised. It's in their psyche.

If you offered someone who "just can't get organised" a million pounds to be at a particular point at a particular time, they'd be there.

Even the most "disorganised" people manage to be on time for job interviews, hospital appointments, flights and funerals - things that are important to them.

Just go ahead without them OP. They'll soon learn.

LOL, my BIL's best man was like that. knowing his habits, they assigned someone to keep track of him and ensure he was where he was supposed to be. He still managed to "escape" and was found re-hanging a chandelier at the reception shortly before the ceremony 😂but his minder did round him up and get him to the wedding.

If you offered someone who "just can't get organised" a million pounds to be at a particular point at a particular time, they'd be there

haha! This.

It’s not about being perfect. If you are repeatedly late when you know it inconveniences and upsets your friend then you aren’t a good friend. We don’t all have oodles of time to hang about, some of us have to arrange childcare, school drop off/pick, work patterns etc It’s not the case we can all hang around for ages waiting for a person to turn up. I simply don’t have the time to do that amongst my commitments. It’s not me being intolerant it’s physically impossible.

I bet my mortgage if you offered those people a million pounds they’d somehow make it on time!

Being on time isn’t being perfect it’s being a considerate person to whoever is left waiting around for you. A genuinely shit stuck in traffic with a genuine update is fine.

Those who claim they are on their way when they haven’t left their house or who regularly turn up over 20 minutes late just don’t care enough to organise themselves. It’s that simple.

I have alarms in my phone even down to making sure the children have breakfast by X time, the leave alarm to get to school which has an extra 10-15 minute oh shit time built in.

I do all that and I’m not a late person anyway but I hate the thought of even possibly being late.

I had a friend like this, notice I said had. I think it’s so rude tomconstantly turn up late.

we used to always meet closer to her home so that she had more time to get ready but guaranteed I’d still be waiting on her. Got fed up with it and just stopped meeting up. Being constantly late just tells me you think your time is more important than mine,

she could get kids to school on time and make work on time but socially was always late.

I had one of these but started to leave at the time we agreed, leaving her to catch up. She asked me to take her dd to school once, I said that's fine but you need to get her to my house by 8, if she's not there at 8 I'm leaving as I have to get to work too. Of course she was late, so I just left. She missed her appoint because she had to drive her dd to school.

Agree with this. I also have adhd and can be late or forget things, so I put plenty of things in place to help. I also loathe waiting around, so tend to not want to sit around the other end (though I would if I was frequently late to meet friends because they’d take priority over my hatred of waiting). Tbh, the children are the biggest struggle with time. I can preprep and set alarms but then it’s a surprise poo in a nappy time or several interruptions that mean I unpack and repack the bag as I don’t know where I got to. Obviously, I’ve put stuff in place re the bag too. I tend to keep one already stocked and add stuff as soon as it runs out rather than before going out. I’m usually bang on time, but occasionally a few minutes late depending on how many times I’ve been interrupted going out. ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t overcome time issues at all, you just need to give yourself reasonable adjustments like longer time, lists and alarms etc.

I am late all the time. It's my absolute worst habit & I hate it when I'm (always) rushing to get somewhere. I regularly make my train/bus by a minute. I have no idea why I'm like this to be honest, I'm really organised & professional but I just can't seem to get better at this. I think the problem is usually that I think I have more time than I do so I'll think oh I'm ready so I'll quickly do the dishes/hoover/hang up washing then I realise I'm running late and rush. It's annoying, I'm constantly apologising to my friends. It's not malicious, I appreciate that they all know me & seem to laugh it off. I am never late for flights/appointments/concerts but just meeting for a coffee I seem to struggle with timing. I should also say in the last few years I've developed social anxiety so I'm not sure if it's a subconscious thing. No idea. I'm always late and I hate it about myself!

I have a friend like this, I do find it a bit annoying at times, but he struggles with social anxiety and it autistic. He gets really anxious about being the first one there at anything. His solution is to always be about half an hour late.

It doesn't really make sense to me but that's his coping mechanism. We just include him anyway and account for the fact that he will be late. If we're having a meal out, we just order extra food for him. It means he doesn't get a choice in what to eat and it might be cold by the time he arrives, but he's OK with that.

It's a bit weird but it's OK.

I guess if someone is your friend then you have a conversation, work it out and accept their quirks and needs.

If you don't want to accept it then you don't have to be their friend and just phase out seeing them so much.

Do you think they are like that at work, though? How do they hold down a job?

This.
If we are going to something time specific then I buy my ticket, text my seat and row number and they buy their own. If they don't buy in time to sit near me, or to get a seat at all, then tough. Not my problem. I am going because I want to. I am happy to go alone We arrange to meet outside the venue. If its time to go in and they aren't there I go in without them. Funnily enough since I have started doing this ( and they have paid their own cold hard cash for their ticket rather than paying me back on the night) they are no longer ever late .....EVER. An actual miracle.

I have a pal like this. I call her out on it every so often. I do it nicely but I'm crystal clear that I found it irritating. I usually a mellow person so if I say something annoys me then people tend to believe me. She get a bit defensive but will pitch up in time for a while.

She gets easily distracted

Usually I arrange things so I'm picking her up from her house or she is picking me up. That means I'm not fannying around waiting for her to turn up at a pub or wherever.

I also phone her and check with her that's she is on time.

My family are nearly always punctual. Obviously stuff happens occasionally but even then we are considerate about phoning etc. My kids are adults and they are the same. I let them learn from experience when they were younger. If I picked them up as teens I expected them to be at the meeting point on the minute and they would be.

It works so well when everyone is on the same page . I prefer it as it feels more relaxing.

I have a friend like that. It was ok until I did him a massive favour in driving him to collect his new car , and he turned up 90 minutes late. (His sister had cooked him breakfast) This then made us extremely late for another appointment. And I was so embarrassed. I've now lost any patience wit it and won't wait next time.

Don't make plans with her.

I can understand the ' oh I'll just unload the dishwasher, hang out washing' thing . I stop myself by saying out loud ' no there isn't time. It will wait until you get back. If you do it you will be late'. Saying it out loud stops me doing it and makes it okay in my brain to leave it. I cannot stand being late or other people being late. I do have to force myself to leave it but the more I say it and the more I leave it ,the more I have realised how nice it is to remove the lateness anxiety.

Exactly. Of course they can. Although I must say WFH has made this much worse for people who are already like that