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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not like being home with my toddlers?

130 replies

Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 16:47

I don’t know how reasonable or otherwise this is but I just don’t enjoy it … we go out within a few hours of waking up. Say 9. Then stay out until dinner time (about 5.) Sometimes go home for nap but other times don’t.

We do do things like classes and groups and park visits but equally probably a lot is just finding errands and killing time. Not sure if this is good or not

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/05/2023 20:58

Here’s some Early Years classroom based stuff but there’s loads of info on at home activities around too. https://www.myteachingcupboard.com/blog/the-trajectory-schema?format=amp

The Trajectory Schema

https://www.myteachingcupboard.com/blog/the-trajectory-schema?format=amp

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:00

It is about learning, I do understand that, equally there is only so much destruction one house can take.

OP posts:
Stillcountingbeans · 23/05/2023 21:01

What are you doing when you are both at home?

He will be destructive unless you are down on the floor next to him, interacting continuously, and pretty much guiding/modelling his every movement as he uses his toys.

After a few days/weeks, when he has learnt from you how to play, you can gradually start to withdraw to the sofa, just three then five then ten minutes, and re-engage immediately if he starts any unwelcome behaviour.

You must expect all toys to be emptied out onto the floor - that is normal. The answer is to drastically reduce the number of toys.
Expect every item in the room to be 'investigated'. He will eventually ignore stuff like books when he realises it is boring, or not as interesting as having your attention when playing with his toys.
If he likes banging, make sure he has toys meant to be banged.

Don't have drinks anywhere except in the kitchen, under strict supervision.

Most of all, just keep reminding yourself that this will pass, he will grow up a bit more with every passing month.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2023 21:02

Yes - I think the idea is to set up activities that satisfy the urge, so there’s less destruction! Smile

But anyway, my first rule of parenting toddlers was always Get Out Of The House!

Stillcountingbeans · 23/05/2023 21:05

He will eventually ignore stuff like books

I meant adult books. He should have access to toddler board books to play with.

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:10

No real issue with toys emptied on the floor but he does not play with them, he just seems to like throwing them around. He ignores any direction from me to not do something so that doesn’t work. Equally I know that the holy rule on here is less toys but has made no difference here. Likewise the idea of having a ‘rule’ about anything is just very far removed from the reality of my life, he does what he wants, so I say no drinks to be taken out of the kitchen but really what can I do other than not give him drinks?

I know I sound defeatist but it does make me realise when people say stuff like this that how my life is seems different to others which makes me sad. Then other posts sound so much more like me.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/05/2023 21:11

Stillcountingbeans · 23/05/2023 21:01

What are you doing when you are both at home?

He will be destructive unless you are down on the floor next to him, interacting continuously, and pretty much guiding/modelling his every movement as he uses his toys.

After a few days/weeks, when he has learnt from you how to play, you can gradually start to withdraw to the sofa, just three then five then ten minutes, and re-engage immediately if he starts any unwelcome behaviour.

You must expect all toys to be emptied out onto the floor - that is normal. The answer is to drastically reduce the number of toys.
Expect every item in the room to be 'investigated'. He will eventually ignore stuff like books when he realises it is boring, or not as interesting as having your attention when playing with his toys.
If he likes banging, make sure he has toys meant to be banged.

Don't have drinks anywhere except in the kitchen, under strict supervision.

Most of all, just keep reminding yourself that this will pass, he will grow up a bit more with every passing month.

I agree. You sound a bit passive. What are you doing to redirect his energy in a positive way? Small children often need adults to model how to play to them, rather than immediately being able to do it themselves.

Can you get down on the floor near him and build brick towers or play with dinosaurs by yourself? He'll be intrigued and will watch you, and then he'll want to be involved.

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:16

Hmm yeah except funnily enough I’ve never modelled hitting the cats, yanking curtains down, throwing shoes around, repeatedly opening and slamming the oven door, moving the kitchen chairs around and shoving them round the kitchen, climbing on the window ledge and throwing things down, repeatedly shoving toys behind the TV then having a rage because I can’t reach them, slamming toys into walls or pouring my drink everywhere.

So if modelling is what’s needed, logic says this is what he’s been taught, but it isn’t.

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 23/05/2023 21:17

How is he at nursery - do they comment on whether he can be redirected?

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:19

I don’t think there are any real issues at nursery or at least none that have been mentioned to me. He did go through a phase of not being very kind to other children but this seems to have stopped.

OP posts:
Hello12345678910 · 23/05/2023 21:23

All your comments look like normal behaviour to me, toddlers can be hard work!

Goldbar · 23/05/2023 21:24

Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:16

Hmm yeah except funnily enough I’ve never modelled hitting the cats, yanking curtains down, throwing shoes around, repeatedly opening and slamming the oven door, moving the kitchen chairs around and shoving them round the kitchen, climbing on the window ledge and throwing things down, repeatedly shoving toys behind the TV then having a rage because I can’t reach them, slamming toys into walls or pouring my drink everywhere.

So if modelling is what’s needed, logic says this is what he’s been taught, but it isn’t.

Children learn though a combination of doing and observing. The aim is to role model the behaviours you want to see and discourage the less desirable ones. My DC at that age used to enjoy playing teddies - they'd often make one teddy hit another, and then we'd act out being upset and saying sorry.

Hello12345678910 · 23/05/2023 21:24

Or maybe just normal behaviour in my world. FYI the toddlers have turned into wonderful 6,10 & 13 year olds

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2023 21:26

So if modelling is what’s needed, logic says this is what he’s been taught

Ha! If only toddlers were that logical Grin

Obviously if they only did what was modelled to them it’d be a walk in the park - or, rather, a stay at home quietly and play nicely!

Stillcountingbeans · 23/05/2023 21:27

Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:16

Hmm yeah except funnily enough I’ve never modelled hitting the cats, yanking curtains down, throwing shoes around, repeatedly opening and slamming the oven door, moving the kitchen chairs around and shoving them round the kitchen, climbing on the window ledge and throwing things down, repeatedly shoving toys behind the TV then having a rage because I can’t reach them, slamming toys into walls or pouring my drink everywhere.

So if modelling is what’s needed, logic says this is what he’s been taught, but it isn’t.

No, all of that is stuff that he has discovered for himself, by exploring.

You need to get down on the floor and be engaging and interesting to him, and show him how you love playing with the toys. He loves you - there is literally nothing in the world he craves more than your one-on-one full attention.

As for how you stop him taking a drink out of the kitchen... you are an adult, at least twice his size, completely able to pick him up, stand in the doorway, take the drink off him, or any other suitable physical intervention that works.

He will ignore your verbal directions. He is barely registering your words.
Small children are very physical, so it is all about touching and cuddling and hands-on-hands guidance, and physical restraint when needed.

VivaVivaa · 23/05/2023 21:28

Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:16

Hmm yeah except funnily enough I’ve never modelled hitting the cats, yanking curtains down, throwing shoes around, repeatedly opening and slamming the oven door, moving the kitchen chairs around and shoving them round the kitchen, climbing on the window ledge and throwing things down, repeatedly shoving toys behind the TV then having a rage because I can’t reach them, slamming toys into walls or pouring my drink everywhere.

So if modelling is what’s needed, logic says this is what he’s been taught, but it isn’t.

Amen OP. I was tearing my hair out at what a rubbish parent I was the fact that DS seemed so incapable of playing nicely at home or entertaining himself. This was despite me diligently modelling how to play with his toys and trying to engage him in ‘proper activities’ in the home. Once I let go of the MN hyperbole that he’d never be able to play in the house independently and how much damage I was doing to him by ‘entertaining him all the time’ and ‘never letting him be bored’ I became a lot happier. Radical acceptance that if my toddler explored and played in a park for multiple hours that was just as good as entertaining himself with toys at home. And needless to say, he did get there in the end. He’s still happier outside (as am I) but a year on from where you are and he’s really keen on toys. I genuinely don’t think that was from any of my behaviour modelling - one phase just changed into the next, as it always does.

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:29

I veer between thinking he’s mad and boisterous but normal and that my parenting is shit and none of it is normal.

@Goldbar i do get you’re trying to help here, but it honestly does not work. He either doesn’t understand or understands but can’t apply to himself, acting out his teddies hitting one another would be a bad idea, it really would. I am trying very hard to stop him hitting the cats and I don’t want this being re-enacted anywhere.

One thing he will do briefly is have pretend phone calls. He also likes toys that make a noise, books too, but even then it’s a few minutes thing and then he does something bonkers like try to drag the entire toy far far behind the TV then get annoyed as it breaks Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:31

Well of course you take the drink off him and back in the kitchen and then the entire morning is taken up with

he takes the drink into the lounge and pours it everywhere
move back to kitchen, tantrum

repeat

sure I can ‘win’ I can impose my will to an extent, but at the cost to our happiness and my sanity.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/05/2023 21:34

What does he do during his time at nursery?

Cocolocobaby · 23/05/2023 21:35

Hugs! I work 30 hours ( 3 long days - so I Hve 2 days in the week with my son 18 months . My husband works from home and despairs that we are so
noisy !!! we aren’t really but it’s a small house . It’s exhausting being at home. We normally get out for a few walks but im
8 months pregnant and struggling . Before I was heavily pregnant I’d walk 6/7 miles as found being out so much easier .

I had planned to be a SAHM as I’ll soon have two and nursery fees are so highly but my lord I think once my maternity is over I’ll go back as I can’t imagine being at home full time with two .

My DS is a delight but it’s exhausting!!!! In the fridge , in the bin, putting the ornaments , climbing the sofa etc etc !!!!

I think 4 days at work . Then one day at home with them and the weekend will be plenty!

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:35

A mix of outdoor play indoor play, structured activities like painting and music time/dancing, plus eating and sleep, I think.

OP posts:
tobee · 23/05/2023 21:36

Look my ds (my youngest) is 24 this weekend and while I think "omg! Where did the time go?" I absolutely do not miss large parts of that age. My ds's favourite game was tip all his stuff everywhere endlessly. I'm not a tidy person but my god it was misery making!

"I veer between thinking he’s mad and boisterous but normal and that my parenting is shit and none of it is normal."

He's normal. It's normal that you think like that. You're not a shit parent!

My sympathies! It's a bit like some awful toddler jail sentence at times isn't it?

This too shall pass.

Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:37

I sympathise, we started being out so much as dh wfh and conscious of noise. It’s very hard to know what we are getting right and wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windsweptbeach · 23/05/2023 21:37

God yes re a toddler jail sentence.

OP posts:
Stillcountingbeans · 23/05/2023 21:40

I think you misunderstood me. The drink never leaves the kitchen. If he goes into the kitchen, you go with him, and prevent the drink being taken out. He should never have the chance to go and fetch a drink out of the kitchen.

Yes, you have to 'win' (although really you are on his side). Training toddlers is very much like training dogs - they can have similar mental abilities. It is relentless, but you can't give up. You have to deal with the tears and tantrums when they don't get their own way, and just plough on through, insisting on enforcing your decisions.

If he doesn't learn who is boss now, you will regret it in years to come.

It may seem like it is at the cost of your happiness and sanity to enforce order when he is rolling on the floor screaming or smashing the TV screen, but you HAVE to persist with the training. Then in the long run it is the only way to lasting family happiness and sanity.