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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this touchy feely sports coach

106 replies

Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 09:51

Name changed for this one in case it's traceable. I just joined an amateur sports club in a beginner's group. I was really enjoying myself, been going for several weeks, nice to chat with people and be outdoors. Up until yesterday that is when one of the male coaches took it upon himself to brush the grass off my back and brush my bum. No one else got this 'treatment' just me, and we all had grass on our backs as we'd just been on doing some exercises on the floor!

The other coaches were in front so wouldn't have seen, there may have been someone else behind me but I'm not sure. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not spinning round and saying what the f*ck do you think you are doing, keep your hands off me! But in the moment I was so shocked and embarrassed I just got in my car and drove home seething! I was so upset afterwards and feel like it has ruined it for me, also annoyed at myself for not reacting but it's not like I saw it coming as he was behind me.

On reflection I wonder if he got the wrong idea as we were all laughing and joking as a group and he was saying something about he was washing his car before the group started and I joked he could wash my car because it's very dirty and I hate doing it. 🫣 I know, honestly it didn't sound like ineuendo in my head at all! However I still don't think this gives him carte blanche to feel me up!! Ick. I have a moral duty to report this to the sports group leader though now don't I now?! He could be feeling up more vulnerable women and teens for all I know as they take young people at this club too.

Problem is on the group social media chat I have shared something which reveals where I live (related to the sport!) Which cannot now be removed. I also have a young family so scared what the repercussions could be if I report it and he loses his (presumably voluntary) position or reputation. I don't know how I would even word it to them. I can't go back now can I? Because of this idiot. So annoyed this has happened on something that was supposed to be quality time for me, and trying to make some sense of it. What would you do, report him or just leave the group and find a better one?

OP posts:
Saz12 · 23/05/2023 10:07

Ok, I know people will vehemently disagree with me - but you were in a group, he got on well with you, he wasnt thinking - could he have brushed the grass off absent-mindedly rather than in a predatory way? Though brushing it off your bum is way WAY overstepping, I can sort of see how brushing grass off someones shoulder coukdve been automatic.

I would speak to the class leader about it, and return to the class at least once more. I dont personally think you should be frightened of this guy knowing which area you live in.

Saz12 · 23/05/2023 10:11

... as to how to word it, "After the exercise on Monday, Feely McCreepy batted grass off my back and bum. It made me really uncomfortable as Ive not given him any reason to think he could touch me like that. I wanted to let you know as I like the classes but don't want to be near him".

Dodo2023 · 23/05/2023 10:15

Talk to him directly tell him it made you feel uncomfortable and ask him never to do anything like that again.

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 10:20

Dodo2023 · 23/05/2023 10:15

Talk to him directly tell him it made you feel uncomfortable and ask him never to do anything like that again.

@Dodo2023 there is no way in hell I'm going to say this directly to him. It's already made me feel so awkward and I'm totally embarrassed if he has perceived my jokey comment as some kind of turn on, ick. He's a good 10-15 years older than me I reckon and I am no spring chicken. I think they all know I'm married with kids as I talk about them enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 10:26

Saz12 · 23/05/2023 10:07

Ok, I know people will vehemently disagree with me - but you were in a group, he got on well with you, he wasnt thinking - could he have brushed the grass off absent-mindedly rather than in a predatory way? Though brushing it off your bum is way WAY overstepping, I can sort of see how brushing grass off someones shoulder coukdve been automatic.

I would speak to the class leader about it, and return to the class at least once more. I dont personally think you should be frightened of this guy knowing which area you live in.

Hmmm. It's difficult to say. It was like a couple of brushes and then a quick sweep over the bum area. Could have been accidental, I suppose. Wasn't obvious outright groping for sure. Which is probably why I didn't say anything straight away I was thinking did that actually just happen. But then I thought he didn't need to touch me at all, and we all had grassy backs and bums, he didn't offer to sweep the grass off the others... something about it and him just gave me the creeps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 10:26

Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 10:26

Hmmm. It's difficult to say. It was like a couple of brushes and then a quick sweep over the bum area. Could have been accidental, I suppose. Wasn't obvious outright groping for sure. Which is probably why I didn't say anything straight away I was thinking did that actually just happen. But then I thought he didn't need to touch me at all, and we all had grassy backs and bums, he didn't offer to sweep the grass off the others... something about it and him just gave me the creeps.

Show quote history

Also I didn't get a choice he just did it.

OP posts:
Dodo2023 · 23/05/2023 10:27

Ask somebody else to talk to him directly for you. Message him privately. Make it clear it was unacceptable for him to put his hands on your bottom and for him not to do it again. What you did and didn’t say about washing your car is irrelevant.

sandrene · 23/05/2023 10:31

Of course you should report it. I can't believe PP minimising this. Who on earth would brush grass off another adult's back unprompted?! It's completely inappropriate.

LaraMargot · 23/05/2023 10:39

I was selling my late mother's house. A female architect was helping the surveyor measure the garden.
She emerged from the undergrowth covered in debris. I spontaneously brushed down her back, I avoided her backside. Everyone was cool. I'm male.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 23/05/2023 10:41

He didn't feel you up though, did he, that makes it sound like a sexual assault. He overstepped without a doubt, but is brushing grass off you after a conversation about it a sackable offence? I don't think it is. Don't be embarrassed to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud at the time though, sometimes I feel we are conditioned to put up with being touched, whereas we should feel confident enough at the time to say "hands off".

IamnotSethRogan · 23/05/2023 10:45

You were uncomfortable and that is obviously a completely valid feeling.

Without further information, it could have been something stupid and clumsy. I personally don't think he needs reporting for this, but I wasn't there. I don't think you can't go back to the group and saying you were uncomfortable would be best as opposed to reporting him.

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 10:56

You have a young family.

Are you going to teach them " If a man touches you, its best to say nothing because you might get into trouble"

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:01

LaraMargot · 23/05/2023 10:39

I was selling my late mother's house. A female architect was helping the surveyor measure the garden.
She emerged from the undergrowth covered in debris. I spontaneously brushed down her back, I avoided her backside. Everyone was cool. I'm male.

@LaraMargot How do you know everyone was cool though? To the outside it probably looked like I was cool with it yesterday but I absolutely wasn't! It's good you avoided any dodgy areas but maybe should have asked first or just tell her did you know you've got stuff on your back and get colleague could have done it if necessary. I don't know it's hard as this stuff is a bit borderline. Also as an aside, if you are male why have a female username?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 23/05/2023 11:04

it could have been something stupid and clumsy

Except he's a sports coach.

Any reputable sports coach would be far too aware and careful of the implications, to risk that kind of physical contact.

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:06

sandrene · 23/05/2023 10:31

Of course you should report it. I can't believe PP minimising this. Who on earth would brush grass off another adult's back unprompted?! It's completely inappropriate.

Well yes that was my first thought afterwards @sandrene but I didn't want to overreact which is why I've put it on here to help me decide what to do. Seems there is differing opinions!

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 23/05/2023 11:12

Why don't you go back, but be aware if any similar happens again, you will report it?

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 11:13

Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:06

Well yes that was my first thought afterwards @sandrene but I didn't want to overreact which is why I've put it on here to help me decide what to do. Seems there is differing opinions!

Show quote history

Brushing Grass off someone's back is now inappropriate/feeling up.

FMD get a grip.

KimberleyClark · 23/05/2023 11:14

Hmm. My male hairdresser sometimes brushes the top of boob when he’s brushing hair off me at the end of the session. He’s married with kids, I have been going to him for years and never got any sort of creepy vibe off him and he has certainly never touched my bum.

GoodChat · 23/05/2023 11:18

He accidentally touched your bum when he was brushing the grass off your back. Its quite a normal thing to brush grass off someone when they've been lying on it. I think you'd be massively overreacting to report him.

Next time, just say "it's ok, I've got it" if he comes near you.

brunettemic · 23/05/2023 11:20

Brushing the grass of your back I’d say is probably ok but I think brushing it off your bum isn’t. Without wanting to be OTT it’s not that different to patting you on the bum or giving it a quick squeeze. As for how to solve it is there a senior coach/one who is in charge that you could speak to or someone you’re comfortable talking to in the group?

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:20

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 10:56

You have a young family.

Are you going to teach them " If a man touches you, its best to say nothing because you might get into trouble"

Of course not @2bazookas but it is prudent to balance the risks of doing so. Doesn't mean I won't report it. Just wanted to see what others thought in terms of whether it had crossed a line or not.

OP posts:
LaughingLemur · 23/05/2023 11:24

This is definitely unacceptable for a coach to do. All sports clubs should have a safeguarding lead who you can report incidents like this to. If they have a website you should be able to find out who this is and contact them.

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:29

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 11:04

it could have been something stupid and clumsy

Except he's a sports coach.

Any reputable sports coach would be far too aware and careful of the implications, to risk that kind of physical contact.

@2bazookas Yes I think that's why it absolutely took me by surprise..if it has been a male friend or even a longstanding colleague I might not have been as bothered. But I barely know this person and something just felt off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangey23 · 23/05/2023 11:30

LaughingLemur · 23/05/2023 11:24

This is definitely unacceptable for a coach to do. All sports clubs should have a safeguarding lead who you can report incidents like this to. If they have a website you should be able to find out who this is and contact them.

Thanks will take a look.

OP posts:
Mooshamoo · 23/05/2023 11:31

Touching your bum is sexual assault. It is classed as sexual assault, and he could be charged for it.

People on here who are minimising it, read up on it.

An older, larger man touching your bum can really upset a woman. He has no right at all to be touching anyone's bum.

I would report him op