To report this touchy feely sports coach

[Namechangey23]

Name changed for this one in case it's traceable. I just joined an amateur sports club in a beginner's group. I was really enjoying myself, been going for several weeks, nice to chat with people and be outdoors. Up until yesterday that is when one of the male coaches took it upon himself to brush the grass off my back and brush my bum. No one else got this 'treatment' just me, and we all had grass on our backs as we'd just been on doing some exercises on the floor!

The other coaches were in front so wouldn't have seen, there may have been someone else behind me but I'm not sure. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not spinning round and saying what the f*ck do you think you are doing, keep your hands off me! But in the moment I was so shocked and embarrassed I just got in my car and drove home seething! I was so upset afterwards and feel like it has ruined it for me, also annoyed at myself for not reacting but it's not like I saw it coming as he was behind me.

On reflection I wonder if he got the wrong idea as we were all laughing and joking as a group and he was saying something about he was washing his car before the group started and I joked he could wash my car because it's very dirty and I hate doing it. 🫣 I know, honestly it didn't sound like ineuendo in my head at all! However I still don't think this gives him carte blanche to feel me up!! Ick. I have a moral duty to report this to the sports group leader though now don't I now?! He could be feeling up more vulnerable women and teens for all I know as they take young people at this club too.

Problem is on the group social media chat I have shared something which reveals where I live (related to the sport!) Which cannot now be removed. I also have a young family so scared what the repercussions could be if I report it and he loses his (presumably voluntary) position or reputation. I don't know how I would even word it to them. I can't go back now can I? Because of this idiot. So annoyed this has happened on something that was supposed to be quality time for me, and trying to make some sense of it. What would you do, report him or just leave the group and find a better one?

@AnnWithoutAnnie Wasn't just my back though it was my backside too! And why didn't he do it to any of the other ladies who were getting up by me? Why do it at all without asking really?

That reminds me of something a man said to me once. I had been storing stuff in a storage unit.

I went to pick it up a year later. The deep storage lockers were very dusty and I got dust in my trousers.

The owner, a very large, older man came up to me and said "you have dust on your bum, I'd wipe it off for you, but I'd get in trouble hahahaha ".

Him even just SAYING that made me feel so uncomfortable. There was definitely a sexual element in what he was saying.

If he had actually come up and brushed my bum, I would have been terrified.

Does he use his hand?!

All of my hairdressers have used a soft brush.

Yes come to think of it he uses a brush.

Of course you can go back. And if he comes anywhere near you, step away quickly and say no. You shouldn't have to, but if he doesn't pick up on that and never get too close again, then you have more evidence for a complaint and raising a safe guarding issue. The comments on this thread show how hard it can be to speak up and be believed.

If you're lucky, he's a bit of a chancer who thought he'd try his luck, and will now bank off and you'll just have a slightly awkward, distant dynamic between you.

I can't believe someone else said they just automatically brushed leaves off someone. I'd assume an adult with that job would know how to brush leaves off themselves. I can't think of any reason, outside emergencies, why I'd just invade another adults personal space or touch them.

I am a coach educator for a GB National Governing Body. Each Olympic sport has one. I can confirm that this coach knew that what he did was wrong and unprofessional.

When he trained and assessed for his coaching Qualifications he will have been made aware of safeguarding and inappropriate contact. He will have been educated on inappropriate relationships between coaches and their athletes.

You need to report this behaviour. What you experienced might not be an isolated incident. It might form part of a larger picture in your club, or other contexts in which he coaches. Report to your club safeguarding officer (this person will deal with all safeguarding, it isn’t just about kids) Also contact the national governing body for your sport and tell them.

@Mooshamoo well yes I did feel humiliated and shocked afterwards and not like it was an accident. He didn't say oops sorry or anything. There was no need for his hand to go that low really. But some people are very over familiar/touchey feely aren't they. Or was he waiting for an opportunity to do it. I should add he set the exercises on the grass. I just don't know other than I know how it made me feel/my visceral reaction which was to freeze up and feel upset after. I do realise people have far far far worse on here. If it had been a blatant grope I like to think I would have reacted angrily at the time and would report it there and then. Looking at the poll a minute ago it seems most people think I ABU.

No fucker touches me without my permission. Highly inappropriate even if done without intent or malice.

Thank god we cleared that up! 🤣 @KimberleyClark @TheFireflies

Touching some one on the bum is a sexual assault. Men have been charged for sexual assault for this.

I manage to go through my life without touching men on the bum. If a man touched me on the bum, I'd charge him

I don’t think brushing grass of someone is a big deal.. maybe he didn’t intentionally mean to touch your bum. I think you’re over reacting. Go back and if he does anything again, nip it in the bud at the time!

I'm surprised and disappointed by the numbers of posters who think what this man did was acceptable.

OP, you need to report this. Be aware that he knows perfectly well that he shouldn't have done this and also that he relies on women feeling slightly upset to get his jollies.

How else can abusers be stopped in their tracks, if women don't report them?

Do you know that touching someone's bum is a crime?

It's on the list of sexual assault crimes

I am a gymnastics coach and the risk of accidentally touching the bottom or chest area is high when we are trying to catch the girls in a tumble or break a fall. This rarely happens however and only when we misjudge supporting a skill. We were taught explicitly by British Gymnastics, if that happened we should apologise to the gymnast immediately, and check if they were OK.

Creepy coach must have known he touched your bum and in your circumstance, it doesn't sound like it was unavoidable, appropriate or necessary. Therefore, you should raise it with the club.

Touching someone's bum is sexual assault.

I'm just looking at a case of a man in Newcastle.

A man touched a woman on the bum.

He was charged with sexual assault. He was found guilty. He was put in the sexual offenders list for five years

So many people defending a predator here! I have never accidentally ‘stroked’ a work colleague or a child I’ve worked with.

Do raise it. He knew what he was doing. Ignore the minimizing on here. No one is allowed to lay a hand on you ever without express consent.

If I went up and brushed grass of a mans bum. What would you think

I am sure he meant to touch the OP's bum and that he knew it was wrong.
It is sexual assault.

It might be accidental or it might be deliberately but subtly testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with.
If they want to be successful predators need to be very careful, they need to always have a cover of plausible deniability so they can't be distinguished from an accident at first.
If he does it again you could loudly shriek 'get your hands off my arse you dirty pervert' and then laugh as if it was a joke.... but everyone will have heard it.

Report. He knew what he was doing and he's relying on your confusion and self-doubt to get away with it.

You are right to take this seriously.

In my experience plausible deniability incidents like this are to see what they can get away with.

It’s so plausible that you doubt yourself reporting/responding to it but yet you know it was deliberate.

Two options going forward depending on what you want to happen. Either don’t report it but be ready to call it out loudly and publicly if it happens again or report it, many other people may have done the same.
He won’t lost his job because one person one time said he brushed their bum but if more people have said or there are other questionable incidents then he should!

Personally I wouldn't give it another thought unless it happened again.

@Escapefromhell thanks for your response. I don't know if he even has those qualifications. It is a local club and I joined a free beginner's offshoot club they are running. I just tried to click the safeguarding page on their main website and it says it doesn't exist!! 😱 So if nothing else they need to know that.. also I was wrong, they don't coach under 18s although it says they accept younger members as family groups. Christ, I really had no idea I was going to end up scrutinizing them but looks like someone needs to! I think I'd report to the club but not at a national level although yes there is definitely a national body for this sport.

I wouldn't report. I would watch or speak to him directly, pull him aside while others are around. If you observe or experience anything else, challenge or report both.