To report this touchy feely sports coach

[Namechangey23]

Name changed for this one in case it's traceable. I just joined an amateur sports club in a beginner's group. I was really enjoying myself, been going for several weeks, nice to chat with people and be outdoors. Up until yesterday that is when one of the male coaches took it upon himself to brush the grass off my back and brush my bum. No one else got this 'treatment' just me, and we all had grass on our backs as we'd just been on doing some exercises on the floor!

The other coaches were in front so wouldn't have seen, there may have been someone else behind me but I'm not sure. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not spinning round and saying what the f*ck do you think you are doing, keep your hands off me! But in the moment I was so shocked and embarrassed I just got in my car and drove home seething! I was so upset afterwards and feel like it has ruined it for me, also annoyed at myself for not reacting but it's not like I saw it coming as he was behind me.

On reflection I wonder if he got the wrong idea as we were all laughing and joking as a group and he was saying something about he was washing his car before the group started and I joked he could wash my car because it's very dirty and I hate doing it. 🫣 I know, honestly it didn't sound like ineuendo in my head at all! However I still don't think this gives him carte blanche to feel me up!! Ick. I have a moral duty to report this to the sports group leader though now don't I now?! He could be feeling up more vulnerable women and teens for all I know as they take young people at this club too.

Problem is on the group social media chat I have shared something which reveals where I live (related to the sport!) Which cannot now be removed. I also have a young family so scared what the repercussions could be if I report it and he loses his (presumably voluntary) position or reputation. I don't know how I would even word it to them. I can't go back now can I? Because of this idiot. So annoyed this has happened on something that was supposed to be quality time for me, and trying to make some sense of it. What would you do, report him or just leave the group and find a better one?

Agree it was really inappropriate and him testing the boundaries. Report to a safeguarding lead and really sorry it has left you feeling so bad. That’s exactly why what he did was so wrong - it has a huge impact.

@RoseJam I can see how it is unavoidable sometimes in your sport. And the way you have described on here how it is dealt with sounds very respectful and I would have no problem at all with that. But my sport is definitely a no contact sport, or at least you are doing it very wrong if there is contact! I have just discovered the clubs safeguarding policy page doesn't work so it may be sensible for me to contact them anyway about that. I have also realised I could contact them anonymously to report it. It would be a shame if they pulled free beginner clubs like the one I'm doing as a result of this, I hope that isn't something they do. A lot of it probably relies on volunteers to set up. Still it needs to be done properly and without people who have another agenda. If that is indeed what has happened here.

You could contact the club secretary and ask for contact details for the safeguarding officer. They will have one even if it's not on the website. Alternatively contact the governing body and they will be able to help you find out.

It could just as easily not have been 'cool'. A woman would not just 'spontaneously' do this. She might say, 'Oh, you have stuff on our back, shall I...?'. She wouldn't just do it. Women have boundaries and I can't see that they'd over-step them.

I'm not surprised to hear that you're male though or that you so confidently assert that 'it was cool'.

@Mooshamoo yes that's really bloody creepy. So basically he was saying I would do it if I knew could get away with it? And then laughing about it. What a charmer ick 🫤it was completely unnecessary for him to say the last part wasn't it! He succeeded in making you feel creepy and degraded even without needing to touch you.

"I'm not surprised to hear that you're male though or that you so confidently assert that 'it was cool' "

Exactly. Only a man would confidently believe this.
I wonder what the woman he touched up thought about it.

You shouldn’t feel bad about your reaction. Not reacting is instinctual and normally the safest thing to do.
There are two possibilities -

• He isn’t aware of how it would make you feel and was flirting/messing about. In which case he needs to be told.
• He’s a creepy weirdo who gets off on doing just enough to make women uncomfortable while allowing a level of deniability. In which case the sporting organisation needs to be told.

I can guess which but either way he needs to be reported.

Very likely LaraMargot is an anecdote about a creepy client who got handsy when she felt unable to react without causing a scene.

As PP have said, a sports coach knows better. If I even touch someone’s arm to correct posture, it was drilled into me when getting the qualification to ask first - not doing so would have been an instant fail in the practical assessments. Safeguarding is not optional nowadays.

As for the minimisers, when a man accidentally touches a woman inappropriately, he reacts with mortification and apologies. He knew what he was doing OP, I’d report.

Is this a paid club or one run by volunteers?
I wouldn’t report someone for doing this but if he did something again, I may say something direct if I found it uncomfortable.
Although you didn’t mean for your washing cars comment to sound a bit flirty, he may have taken it to be so. You had no intent in that, perhaps he didn’t either.
Im not sure it was predatory but I wasn’t there and you were. You can only deal with the situation as you see best.

Personally I wouldn't because i
Would want to forget and move on/continue the sport without there being a thing

However, if it happened again, be ready with a loud retort.... Hey, get your hands off my bum

Honestly, I despair.
Men are going to carry on doing things like this to women until women tell them not to, loudly and clearly.

Every time.
Stop letting them get away with it.

He was messing around, because he got a vibe when you said, you can come and do mine.
Sometimes you need to keep things business like with men and not mess around with them.

Oh pipe down with your 'despair', ffs. Would you say this to a rape victim?

It's women's job to fix this, is it? Women letting men get away with this?

If you had any experience of this then you'd perhaps have an idea of how difficult it can be to respond as you suggest, in the moment. You brashly assert that women should 'tell them not to, loudly and clearly'. You haven't a clue.

Men, STOP touching women. Every time.

@LaraMargot if you tried to brush undergrowth off me without asking me first if it’s ok to do this, then yes I’d be annoyed with you.

OP, I’d report. This man sets these exercises on the grass, if it’s where grass has been cut or can cling after sitting/lying/doing exercises then he may well have planned it. No safeguarding details on website screams dodgy to me too.

I’m old enough (51) to have been groped by countless men throughout my career (lucky me) where I was young enough not to know what to say. Luckily most men now don’t dare to do this. The only thing which happened in past 5 years in a government department with a legal slant to it was that one of the paralegals who was a young British Muslim of Pakistani origin was sending inappropriate and explicit text messages to a young Indian Muslim female colleague who showed me them as we were friendly. He was a permanent member of staff and she was a contractor like me. I was about to leave the contract after being there a year. I hope she did report him because he was sexist and a potential sex pest (hate that term). He also wasn’t what young, mid to late 20s so hardly could plead youth. He just thought he could get away with it.

Don’t mess around with men incase they take it as a green light to sexually assault you? Wow!

FFS the people minimising this! What are you on? It wasn’t ‘accidental’ and he shouldn’t be touching a woman he only knows in a profession capacity AT ALL.
I’ve been in a very similar situation and it was obvious the guy who touched me waited for an opportunity to do so. I left the group immediately - there was nobody I could report to.

YANBU to feel as you feel, but it does sound innocent so I agree with the pp who said do not report him, but mention it directly to him. It’s not that embarrassing to do really. As he’s sort of acting like a dad I’d be saying something like “did you confuse me with your daughter? Please don’t brush my clothes off again, I felt a bit like I was back at primary school!”

Just seems an extreme reaction in my opinion if it wasn’t intentional.

Has anyone on here saying it was an accident, accidentally touched someone’s ass? I haven’t.

I was referring to the people on this thread who didn't think what the coach did was abusive.

I used to coach for a running club and was also on the committee. I would suggest talking to one of the other coaches you feel comfortable with, or anyone on the committee about this. They should have someone designated to deal with safeguarding and your concerns should be taken seriously.

Totally agree with everything you said but especially the last line.

Always so comfortable telling themselves (and others) how it really was

TheShellBeach I've obviously misunderstood your post then, sorry. I'm still not clear why you wouldn't understand that acting in the moment isn't always easy or even possible but, if you're on the side of women not being manhandled then fair enough.

I don't have any additional advice OP. Just wanted to add my voice of support for you acting on this. The total comfort that this guy felt to put his hands on you is abhorrent to me. I don't give a fuck what his intentions were, his actions were creepy and inappropriate. And the sooner that every man learns this the better.

Over reaction.