To report this touchy feely sports coach

[Namechangey23]

Name changed for this one in case it's traceable. I just joined an amateur sports club in a beginner's group. I was really enjoying myself, been going for several weeks, nice to chat with people and be outdoors. Up until yesterday that is when one of the male coaches took it upon himself to brush the grass off my back and brush my bum. No one else got this 'treatment' just me, and we all had grass on our backs as we'd just been on doing some exercises on the floor!

The other coaches were in front so wouldn't have seen, there may have been someone else behind me but I'm not sure. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not spinning round and saying what the f*ck do you think you are doing, keep your hands off me! But in the moment I was so shocked and embarrassed I just got in my car and drove home seething! I was so upset afterwards and feel like it has ruined it for me, also annoyed at myself for not reacting but it's not like I saw it coming as he was behind me.

On reflection I wonder if he got the wrong idea as we were all laughing and joking as a group and he was saying something about he was washing his car before the group started and I joked he could wash my car because it's very dirty and I hate doing it. 🫣 I know, honestly it didn't sound like ineuendo in my head at all! However I still don't think this gives him carte blanche to feel me up!! Ick. I have a moral duty to report this to the sports group leader though now don't I now?! He could be feeling up more vulnerable women and teens for all I know as they take young people at this club too.

Problem is on the group social media chat I have shared something which reveals where I live (related to the sport!) Which cannot now be removed. I also have a young family so scared what the repercussions could be if I report it and he loses his (presumably voluntary) position or reputation. I don't know how I would even word it to them. I can't go back now can I? Because of this idiot. So annoyed this has happened on something that was supposed to be quality time for me, and trying to make some sense of it. What would you do, report him or just leave the group and find a better one?

Would he have brushed the grass off a man?

Do you think that if you say nothing there will be a time in the future where he may engineer a situation to touch you for longer? Stretching, demonstrating, correcting posture etc?

To clarify for anyone who doesn't know.

Touching someone on the bum is sexual assault.

Im at a bus station. If I go up to the woman beside me and brush dust off her bum,

She can charge me with sexual assault.

Any time I've noticed someone with grass or whatever on their back I've pointed it out, they then either just leave it or ask me to brush it off.

This is normal behaviour.

Someone taking it upon themselves to touch you in any way without your input or consent is a creep, plain and simple.

It's amazing that these men (as per the poster upthread) will happily decide boundries for women, but wouldn't dream of going and brushing a man's body like that.

It was grass on you, not something toxic or dangerous. He invaded your space, pushed your boundries, and did it in such a way that's making you question whether you're right to be upset about something he chose to do to your body without your consent.

You're not over reacting, and I'm sorry that he has made you feel this way op.

This. I have known several serial sexual abusers - one of whom was a sports coach - and this is what they do. They are crafty, sly opportunists who rely on ambiguity, confusion and embarrassment to get their kicks without being reported. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew you would be second-guessing yourself and would probably not make an issue of it. Be the person that stands up to him - report to the safeguarding lead, and don't feel guilty about it.

Why mention the fact he's older than you? If he was a young hottie, would it not be a problem?!

Perhaps because 'dirty old man' is a thing? It's been a thing for so long that women with sons who are now in their 20s/30s have dinned into their heads that groping women is wrong.

Men have been overly-powerful for so long. But to answer your question, for me, a man of any age would be unacceptable for unwanted touching purposes. I won't include women because they just don't behave like this. They really don't.

Yes you're absolutely correct.

If op would be OK with one guy touching her, then she should be OK with all men touching her, it's only fair 🙄

But not a younger smaller man? 🤣

I agree ... chances are the woman was absolutely NOT "cool". More likely felt the extreme ick but laughed it off out of embarrassment thinking how creepy it was... I can tell you @LaraMargot that when I am at work I never ever want a male client to touch me for any reason. If they are well meaning I might not mind too much but I'd still much rather they didn't.

Because the fact that he is older puts him in a more powerful position. Abusers are usually older than their victims

It's normal to freeze and pretend everything's ok. Ideally report him but I understand that's difficult. To be honest I just wouldn't go back most likely - not that that would help the situation, If you do go back then be mentally prepared to tell him in no uncertain terms if he does it again. It is easier to say something if you've mentally rehearsed what you will say.

Yes it's totally wrong, but the way they do it is like they know it could be perceived as an accident. Most people would feel unsure about what happened and if you imagined it. If you confronted him he could so easily say "I didn't mean to I'm sorry, I'm not even attracted to you."

For example, two years ago something very similar happened when I was waiting for my daughter to come out of an after school club. Another parent started trying to brush something off my back (unrequested) and managed to brush my bum before I came out of my shocked state. I moved away quickly but didn't report him - I was worried I had overreacted and misinterpreted. Wish I had as he went on to try it on with me repeatedly.

In contrast to this, waiting at a traffic light opposite my work a few years ago, a man stood behind me put his hand up my dress and tried to put his hand into my underwear. I immediately whirled around to confront him and he sped away from me. I shouted and tried to chase after him but it was a busy city centre. I would have definitely confronted him, there was no question of what he was trying to do.

It really pisses me off that a) you have to deal with this OP and b) you're getting all of the 'it was probably an accident' lines on here. It makes us second guess ourselves which is exactly what predators count on and why they get away with the gradual pushing of boundaries. If you felt it was inappropriate then I am absolutely certain it was.

I'd have found this helpful and thanked him. I wouldn't see his behaviour was sexual or predatory, and wouldn't have been remotely shocked or upset by it. I think the split options on here speaker for themselves, some of us can't see an issue, other people feel you have every right to be shocked and violated. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him you're just fine dealing with any grass on you back by yourself.

I think it's the sort of thing that's easily done without thinking though - it's the sort of thing you might do on autopilot if you have small children, for example.

I work in a busy hospital campus, with lots of different buildings on the site, with a busy road that runs between several of the areas. I reflexively reached out and grabbed my colleague's hand to cross the road once when we were on our way between buildings. He's a 45 year old 6'4 man. Luckily he thought it was hilarious and knows I have small children! But it could easily have come across wrong. He now jokingly holds my hand to cross the road most weeks on our way across, which again is nothing predatory or sinister, just him making a joke.

I also once tiredly reached over and cut up my boss's lunch into small pieces once. He fortunately also thought it was hilarious. I would almost certainly brush grass off someone without thinking.

Yes, just shut up and take it OP - don't forget to say 'thank you'.

ElizabethBest, if you would do this on autopilot then it's best you're not around children at all, never mind adults if you can't stop yourself. Cutting up your boss's lunch is not the same thing but I imagine you know that.

Why are you minimising what the OP has been crystal clear in saying?

God this is depressing.

An aquaintence touches you somewhere intimate without your consent, and you would thank him?

Fucking hell the patriarchy has done a number on you.

I'm quite sure that Elizabeth would also manage to refrain from touching the backsides of small children she doesn't know, despite the attempt at minimising ops feelings with amusing anecdotes about cutting up food. Consent is massively important, even for kids, and if you touched one of mine thinking it was some quirky personality trait you'd bloody know about it.

Personally I'd ignore it, it was hardly sexual assault in my opinion I might be wrong of course. If it ever happens again I would be well prepared and remonstrate with him where it hurts the most, mentioning you had ignored it the first time but twice was too much. I'm pretty sure my girls would do the same.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time. If he makes you feel uncomfortable in any way in future, then find the welfare officer for the club and report it.

Or, even better. Talk to him and say it made you feel uncomfortable and you think he needs to be careful when touching women in any way. I know it's difficult, but it's much better to tell someone what you think. And maybe it will keep him out of trouble in future.

You can go back and should go back. But this time be prepared. Find a sentence you are comfortable saying. Practise saying it out loud. And if anything remotely similar happens, move away and instantly say it in a loud but steady voice (assertively but without emotion, I'd say), so that others can hear. Don't stop to think about it. Just say it out loud.

Don't do that.
No thank you.
Don't touch me thankyou

It's difficult to say. It was like a couple of brushes and then a quick sweep over the bum area. Could have been accidental, I suppose. Wasn't obvious outright groping for sure

IME things which feel inappropriate very often are, but I wouldn't be reporting this unless I was sure

In a way it's a shame you don't want to have a quiet word with him yourself, so would it work to keep an eye out for any future behaviour like this - and if it happens to then say "It's the second time you've done this; please don't do it again"?

Failing that, just grab the wandering hand, raise it in the air and call out "I've just found this on my bum - does anyone know whose it is?"

If you report him he’ll probably resign and he’s a volunteer he may not be replaced

Oh well then, OP had better keep schtum if he'll have to resign. Better a groper than er, none at all...?

Ugh, it's not just men who can be creepy, some of the responses on this thread are making my skin crawl.

Report him - it’s not appropriate

if she wants the group to continue then yes.