To think my inlaws are being used as flying monkeys?

[chicosmommy]

Long story but am no contact with my narcissistic mother for 4 years no contact with my enabling father for 2 years.

Recently, and I posted about it here, my mother in law, with whom I get on really well, bumped into my mother in the middle of town and told her there was a street fête on their street. She said, "do pop over if you're in the neighbourhood." Lo and behold, my parents arrived.

My mother was crying to my mother in law about how horrible I am and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!). Once we heard from MIL that she had told my mother to "pop round" for the street fête, both DH and I did not attend the street fête, as we knew my parents would jump at the opportunity to attend.

MIL told DH afterwards how my mother was crying, but then was saying awful things about me and DH. She said she even felt a bit sorry for her!

Now it transpires that my sister in law, who it also turns out was at the street fête that day, was WITH my MIL when my mother launched her tirade against me. I've just found out that my SIL also "felt sorry" for my MIL and decided to invite her to her house for dinner this weekend!

I'm completely gobsmacked. I've only heard this from my MIL, who kind of said it by accident.

I don't know why my SIL would do this. It is none of her business! I've never been overly close to my SIL but at the same time I've never had a disagreement with her.

I feel betrayed, sidelined and very upset.

DH messaged his sister to ask why she's doing this and her reply was "to be a good person to older people who are struggling." SIL does not know the details of the estrangement between me and my parents as I have always ensured I don't wash my dirty linen in public! But suffice to say that she does know we are estranged.

AIBU?

I should also add, none of my siblings speak to our parents. The reason for estrangement is my mother's alcoholism, verbal abuse of her kids, attempted control of her kids, continually bashing us to anyone who will listen, calling us names etc. etc.

Quite honestly your SIL obviously wants to know why you are NC, nothing more,nothing less. No point in saying anything to her, she's shown what she thinks of you and her brother so I guess there's another Christmas present you don't have to buy. Bloody families!

WOW - your SIL has really, really crossed a line. Its not her place at all to "help" them. You are your SILs family - not them! Did they know each other before you were estranged from them ?

In that case, I think SIL will learn quite quickly that inviting your mother for dinner was a mistake. I think you just need to let things play out and you’ll be vindicated.

Or your SIL dislikes you and is enjoying listening to your mother’s trash talk.

Either way you’re entitled to be upset.

Oof. I would be annoyed with this too, and I think PP has it nailed on that SIL is being nosy.

I think, if I were trying to be kind, I'd remind myself that SIL and MIL don't know the details of your estrangement and are trying to "be kind" themselves.

I think I would say to them both, once, something like, "you don't know the details of why I don't speak to my mother and I am going to keep it that way, but I am asking you to please stay out of it. There are good reasons why I have no contact and your choosing to socialise with my mother makes things difficult for me and DH. If you value your relationship with us I am asking you to step away from [mother]."

If they persist, then you need to be absolutely adamant that you don't want to hear about her, you don't want to meet up, you don't want updates, etc etc. Put the phone down/walk away if they start. If MIL/SIL start giving your mother updates about you, you may need to stop sharing info with them. Is DH on board?

It sucks OP, I'm sorry.

Well obviously, you need to invite SIL's parents round for dinner and wheedle out all her secrets from them...

I'd state quite firmly to ILs that you are NC for a reason, as are your siblings and you find it inappropriate and upsetting for them to have contact with your parents.

Some people can't get their heads around dysfunctional family relationships, they think a bit of goodwill and a few cups of tea will sort it all out.

People who have good decent parents don't understand why someone would go NC with them. You see it on here. Someone posts about their parents behaving awfully and you can spot the people with normal parents because they'll say something like just explain how it makes you feel in a letter because a reasonable person will consider their behaviour if someone tells them that they are upset. They don't understand that there's years of pain and you know how your parents think because they tell you in detail and assume that you want to know because their feelings are the most important in the world.

I know that I am doing the same thing by saying that they don't mean harm but my experience is that people with normal parents can't and will never understand.

Yes, we live in a small town, so they'd know each other but wouldn't be friends with each other.

Thank you, great advice on what to say to her.

One of the biggest things is, I can't understand why my SIL didn't just say it to me or DH. Even something like, "look, I'd like to invite your parents round. I won't be talking about you. I haven't seen them much lately and I'd like to have them round to say hello."
I'd still think it was weird behaviour but I wouldn't be blindsided by it. I only found out coz MIL let slip, "oh I'm babysitting Jack and Isobel on Saturday night." I said, "oh lovely, where is SIL & her DH going?". She realised then she'd made a mistake coz she said, "oh having people around." And I said, "oh friends of there's is it?" and then she went really red, v embarrassed and said, "no...erm...ehhhh...your parents". I nearly dropped on the spot.

I’ve been on the receiving end of similar which ended badly. In my case the estranged narcissist was trying to increase the number of people behind her and succeeded. She now socialises more with my in-laws than we do, and our in-laws think we are cruel for being NC with her as she is showing a very different and very polished version of herself to them.
It is so hard, I completely understand how you feel. There isn’t anything you can do to stop it because if you try the narcissist will use it against you to ‘prove’ you are the problem. You just have to roll with it and hope for the best.

Obviously it's up to you what you tell people about your life, but if you hadn't told MIL & SIL that you were no contact with your mum for a good reason, you can see how the confusion occurred. I'm sure you're coming from a good place not wanting to wash your dirty linen in public but they're not mind readers. They might have just thought you'd been too busy to see your mum lately or something! I'd say something like "I wasn't sure whether to tell you in case it made it awkward for you, but I think you'd better know that I've deliberately limited contact with my mum for some time now because of her alcoholism and abusive behaviour."

Sounds just like my MIL.
I lost a really lovely friend of many years due to this behaviour of my MIL, and my kids lost friends they had grown to teen years with. She was so charismatic and everyone loved her until she turned on people.

Exactly. Excellent post.

You need to tell them to look up narcissism and ask themselves why non of your siblings bother with them?

I think they're very naive. It's shocking they'd be so disrespectful to entertain your parents.

Smile to yourself that your nosy SIL is about to let nutters into her life and shes brought it on herself.

Anyone that thinks forming a friendship with a hysterical person they met on the street is a good idea will soon realise it's not.

Let her have a few weeks of "being a good person" and she will soon end up on the other end of the narcissism and whinging.

Dont react, AT ALL. Dont give your mother the satisfaction of hearing you and DH are upset about them meeting. Dont react to spite her.

I remember your original post. Your DH needs to speak to her and say it’s very odd that your parents are going round to their house. You are no contact with them for a reason and if they meet up, you will consider going nc with SIL too, because your parents may be using this as a way to worm their way back into your lives.

My MIL, feeling sorry for my 'woe is me' mother. Invited her round. Like the poster above I don't think my MIL really understood why we were super low contact as everyone should love their mum, right?. I think she just thought it would be something that she might be able to smooth over with a bit of love and attention.

I decided just to let her 'ave at it because my mother would play all nice at first but in the long run wouldn't be able to hide her true colours from the MIL.

My mother is now banned from my MIL's house after she got roaring drunk at a dinner with the MIL friends and caused a massive scene (and was super offensive). My MIL was mortified at her behaviour as the group was just having a small tipple with dinner and my Mother got herself shitfaced/argumentative.

The MIL was absolutely flabbergasted when my mother breezily told her the next day that it wasn't that bad and she was overreacting.

Let em crack on I say - your SIL will work it out for herself soon enough.

Just get your dh to deal with this. Just say there is a reason why non of your siblings speak to them either

Stay out of it

I think you need to sit down with your sil and explain to her exactly why you are nc with your parents. I understand your desire not to wash your dirty linen in public, but this is an occasion where it’s clearly necessary.

That’s beyond awful OP. I would send a message to them both:

’I’m stunned and deeply hurt that despite having no connection to her yourselves, you both felt it was appropriate to invite my abusive mother back into my life after I have taken steps to protect myself from her and my family. If you’re feeling curious about what went on in my past you can ask me directly and anything I felt comfortable sharing about my abuser, I would. I would hope you would respect that any further details aren’t anyone else’s business. Sadly, by inviting her into your lives you are preventing DH and I from maintaining our usual relationship with you. I’m sure we’ll see you at some point but for now we will be stepping back from you until such time that trust is rebuilt.’

I’m sorry but they are not trying to be nice. They have welcomed her knowing that it would cause you pain. It wasn’t blindly going about something. They’ve shown that by not telling you what they were doing till you ended up finding out.

Your MIL started it by inviting her to her to a party you intended to be at. Your family then lost out. She’s now babysitting to facilitate a dinner for her.
Your SIL is just horrendous.

Theres no reason in the world to invite them anywhere and yet they’ve done it knowing it would upset you. They’ve made their choice and simply, they’ve chosen to hurt you. Step away from this horrible dynamic. You stepped away from your mum for your own mental health. Don’t let your DH’s family destroy it anyway. Be strong and remember what this is. Because it wasn’t anyone being kind !

How is your DH reacting to this? Presumably he knows and understands why you're NC with your mother. So ideally his response would be to read them the riot act and tell them they have a choice - they see your mother or they see him and you, but they can't have both. And mean it.

If he is being half hearted about it, saying it doesn't matter and not getting why it's such a problem for you, telling you to just ignore it, then you have a DH problem. You need him very very firmly on your side here, and you need him to be vocal about it.

^^they see your mother or they see him and you

I didn't mean see you two and your mother at the same time, I meant ever. If they persist in being involved with your mother you'll go NC with them too.

Oh gosh I'm sorry to hear this. You poor thing.
This is the way i see my situation going.