To think my inlaws are being used as flying monkeys?

[chicosmommy]

Long story but am no contact with my narcissistic mother for 4 years no contact with my enabling father for 2 years.

Recently, and I posted about it here, my mother in law, with whom I get on really well, bumped into my mother in the middle of town and told her there was a street fête on their street. She said, "do pop over if you're in the neighbourhood." Lo and behold, my parents arrived.

My mother was crying to my mother in law about how horrible I am and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!). Once we heard from MIL that she had told my mother to "pop round" for the street fête, both DH and I did not attend the street fête, as we knew my parents would jump at the opportunity to attend.

MIL told DH afterwards how my mother was crying, but then was saying awful things about me and DH. She said she even felt a bit sorry for her!

Now it transpires that my sister in law, who it also turns out was at the street fête that day, was WITH my MIL when my mother launched her tirade against me. I've just found out that my SIL also "felt sorry" for my MIL and decided to invite her to her house for dinner this weekend!

I'm completely gobsmacked. I've only heard this from my MIL, who kind of said it by accident.

I don't know why my SIL would do this. It is none of her business! I've never been overly close to my SIL but at the same time I've never had a disagreement with her.

I feel betrayed, sidelined and very upset.

DH messaged his sister to ask why she's doing this and her reply was "to be a good person to older people who are struggling." SIL does not know the details of the estrangement between me and my parents as I have always ensured I don't wash my dirty linen in public! But suffice to say that she does know we are estranged.

AIBU?

I think the problem is, if you have normal parents you can’t really understand why someone would go NC with their parents. Especially if the NC is a manipulative narcissist who makes out ‘woe is me’.

My FIL is a nightmare, his children are all super LC and he doesn’t have a relationship with any of his Grandchildren. No one visits him for good reason. New SIL thought we were all being mean, and insisted on visiting him all the time. It lasted 6 months, she’s now with the rest of us.

Let your SIL find out for herself that she’s being an idiot and make sure she knows very little about your lives from here on in. Which probably means grey rocking MIL too for the time being as well. So sorry you are having to put up with this.

You can't control the actions of others but you can control your own.

I would let them do their thing but I'd be clear in my actions, not words, that they can't have a relationship with your DM and you. So if they are seeing your DM, you don't see SIL at all. My kids wouldn't be anywhere near her. There are no good intentions here.

Let her follow her path. You follow yours. The paths shouldn't cross, that you can control.

I'd also say clearly to your DH that following SIL's actions which you are not responsible for, either you or MIL is going to be upset, there us no way around that. He'd best declare which of you he intends to upset.

I wouldn't bother entering conversations and trying to get SIL or MIL to see you point of view, SIL doesn't care. Just let it affect your actions.

Shocking behaviour. in-laws should not be interfering. But SiL is clearly wanting to dig the dirt on you. And she'll believe every spoon-fed lie your M gives her and will no doubt embellish when she then tell yours MiL what your M said. She doesn't sound like someone you'd want in your life anyway.

As for DH, he really really needs to have your back on this. If your SiL does actually entertain your M, your DH needs to be very clear on his feelings on this; irrespective of whether this upsets his own mother (who shouldn't have bloody invited them to their street party!) He needs to either phone/text his sister to comment that she's is severely out of order and further relations between them will be very low in future.

Be prepared for the fall out but I'm guessing it'll be worth it, not to have SiL in your life anymore.

We do but we live in another town, so it isn't like our kids are in their house without us.

Thanks. My MIL is a kind person.
SIL is sneaky and not like MIL at all.

They've both done the dirty on you but because you love your MIL, you're finding it difficult to admit I expect.

There was literally no reason at all for your MIL to mention anything to your mum.

Sorry you're going through that. It sounds awful.

I would be very clear with MIL that you and all your siblings have very good reasons why you do not have contact with your mother and none of you allow any contact with grandchildren. Say you are not willing to discuss it but you strongly recommend that they ensure that she doesn't have access to SIL grandchilden either.

Thank you and sorry about your SIL situation. She sounds like an utter nightmare

YANBU

Been there myself. The only thing you can do is set your boundaries and concrete for everyone to abide by. My inlaws very quickly cancelled their 'let's all be friends' plans in favour of loyalty to their actual family.

This is narcs at their finest. The only way I've ever managed to deal with it is by just remaining silent unless directly asked.

If you're too willing to share why you're NC then you're a gossip or the narc can explain it all away.
If you share nothing then you're the problem because you're hiding what you did wrong so the narcs story must be true.

I've just learnt to accept some people will think I'm the bad guy. It feels unfair and all those things, I lost friends and family because of them but as much as it hurts I'm better off for it.

Leave them to it. SIL is a nosey CF so probably in good company and it doesn't sound much like your life is richer for her being in it anyway.

Please ensure that they both know that ALL your siblings are also NC with your mum.
That's far harder for your mum to explain away than if it was just you. And it should make MIL and SIL pause for thought, surely?

As others have said
People who have good decent parents don't understand why someone would go NC with them.

I really feel for you OP, you’re in a v.similar situation to mine and look at all these posts from people who experience the same. You’re not alone, nor are YBU. We all have that stomach churning feeling when something like this happens, makes you appreciate the calmness of NC times.

Here’s hoping your relatives show their true colours at the lunch invite and your SIL might start to see things from your POV.

You've had some good advice on here. You need to make it clear to SIL & MIL that it's not just you that is NC with your mum but all your siblings as well, so it doesn't turn into a you vs your mum argument.

I personally would tell SIL /MIL as much as you feel comfortable. Your mum has already made part of your life awful, why should you allow her to come into it now?

As for SIL and MIL, although well meaning, you need to tell them that by inviting this woman into their lives they are effectively cutting off your DH & you. Make it clear you will not share any space or time with your mother. They need to make a choice as to who they want in their lives.

Your dh is a bit of wimp saying he wont do anything to upset his mother

telling her youve been abused by this woman isnt upsetting anyone its a bloody fact

yyour sil doesnt sound very nice just watch your back

Let your SIL crack on and if she brings them up grey rock the hell out of her. If she persists I’d tell her to stay out of your personal business or your going to fall out with her.

I’ve no idea if my In-laws are in contact with my mother, they were fb friends before I went NC, I’ve blocked my mother so can’t see if they are still in touch and to be honest I don’t care anymore. My FIL will occasionally ask if I’ve heard from her I either pretend I haven’t heard him or say nup and walk away. I don’t think my DHs siblings couldn’t care less about my family issues. I think FIL may still have my SIL (brothers wife) who I’m also NC with, on fb as in the past he has said things about them like being on holiday.

My in-laws know most of why I’m NC though as they witnessed some of it. FIL & MIL are of a generation where they try and smooth over toxic behaviour but SIL sees it for what it is and I knows DH & I are doing what we need to do to protect my mental health and our children.

I do have a cousin who is now very close to my mother, she’s not stupid, she’s a very smart woman but has a weird loyalty thing towards my mother. I don’t know the full starry but my mother works in mental health (O the irony) and something happened with my cousin and my mother was there for her. That’s between them, I haven’t let it effect my relationship with my cousin, we are not close but do get on, she dosnt talk about my mother to me and I’m fine with that.

One thing I do do is I have my fb completely locked down, only a select few people see my posts and I’ve made sure they are people I trust not to share anything with my mother, especially photos of my children. I never tag anyone in pictures who could potentially be friends with my mother either.

if your in-laws persist in their relationship with your mother and you feel they are too involved I’d phase them out of things and if they ask why they don’t see photos anymore or get invited to things or you stop going to things be clear about them choosing to insert themselves into your family has effected your relationship with them now.

Does your MIL know how your mum treated your DH in the past? Because I think his involvement here should be with her, not SIL. He can calmly say to his mum that, while he understands that she wanted to be kind to a distressed person, she really needs to recognise what this woman did and said to him, and that when you and all your siblings have no contact with her, she can surely understand that the problem is with your mum and not you.

He doesn't have to 'upset her' he just needs to have a conversation that makes it clear how inappropriate it is for his family to strike up a friendship with her. Both from your perspective and his own, given that your mum was shitty to him too.

Yes, I'd mention that to your MIL and leave it there. You don't want to get into trading stories about your mother the way she will do about you. Hopefully the SIL won't be able to manipulate your MIL into believing your mother's rubbish.

I had the same thing but the other way round i.e. my mum feeling sorry for nasty MIL. In the end I just said it's her or me. She was taken aback, tried to justify it and I just repeated it's her or me, up to you. She decided on me.

Alcoholics are frequently manipulative. And even without that thrown into the mix your narcissistic mother will look for sympathy and play the victim card anywhere she can. She can’t get to you so she’ll get in wherever she can. My mother never missed an opportunity to slag me off, anywhere, anytime.
You can explain to your mil and SIL that they’re being used but whether they choose to take notice is anyone’s guess.

She won’t show her true colours to your SIL though and both parties will enjoy their mutual dislike of you. Your mum wants validation that she’s right and SIL will provide that…she won’t to lose her ‘supply’. She’s gathering her flying monkeys.

I would completely ignore SIL and focus on MIL. Just explain the situation to her and make absolutely sure that she knows that if anything is said regarding you, to take it with a pinch of salt.

My mum isn’t a narcissist as such - she means well but she does a lot of this sort of manipulation between family members. She thinks that she can control the family dynamics and try to make things better but she isn’t socially aware enough to do so. I often have to warn other family members (my sons in particular) to not take anything she says seriously. It’s impossible to speak to my mother because if anyone tries to tell her the truth her brain sort of implodes and she has a weird episode. Your MIL sounds nice so confide in her and tell her that you love her and you’re scared that your mother could ruin your relationship.

The simple answer is Yes, your inlaws are being used as flying monkeys. Not just that, but willingly. Their behaviour is so disrespectful to you.

"He doesn't want to "upset" his mother. If he reads his sister the riot act, she'll just go crying to his mother, which will upset his mother."

Sorry OP, but this explains a lot. Your DH has dysfunction in his family as well as you, and it's not confined to his sister. His mother has brought him up to behave exactly as she wants, or she will be upset - and your DH understands that his mother being upset is so awful that it must be avoided at all costs, he has been trained like this from an early age so it is ingrained behaviour.

Your MIL and SIL colluded to keep the invitation extended to your parents a secret from you. They are not your friends and tread very carefully.

You cannot tell your SIL not to see your parents as advised earlier in this thread, that will only make her more determined. It is an awful situation for you and I feel your pain. I do think it is worth giving your MIL more information about your background and what you and your siblings have suffered. It is not washing your dirty laundry in public, you are stating your lived experience. Also, abuse thrives in secrecy and so many people get away with it because their victims cover up for them (been there). Perhaps it would be best for both you and your DH to address this with your MIL so she knows you are together on this? As to his sister, if he talks to her I would think "reading her the riot act" will only make things infinitely worse. He could approach it from a questioning point -
Why did you ask her?
Do you know that chicosmommys siblings are no contact with her mother too?
Do you think chicosmommy & her siblings have no relationship with her for no good reason?
Who do you think is more important in our family, chicosmommy or her mother?
You know I stand beside my wife on this - what do you think will happen if you put her mother ahead of my relationship with my wife?
How can we continue to have a relationship with you if you disrespect my wife in this way?
So he's not accusing her but asking her to reflect. I suspect he would need a lot of patience and given the SILs behaviour and what you have said about her and your MIL, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope.
He could ask her, if she's determined to have your parents over, to at least have enough respect for you to not discuss you with your parents.

Also try posting on the Stately Homes thread, there are far too many of us there who have experienced narcissistic abuse, but there is great support and advice to be found there.

To add I wouldn’t justify your reason for being NC with your mother to them either. It’s frankly none of their business. They know you are NC and that’s enough.

You have to look at two things. Firstly if they love and respect you as a family member they would support you without having to know the ins and outs. They have no relationship with her but they do have with you. You are allowed privacy and your relationship or lack of has no impact on their lives.

Secondly what is the motive. You are not close to your SIL so she isn’t doing it with misguided but loving intentions. Your MIL knew you wouldn’t attend the party and wouldn’t have told you about the SIL plans had she not been caught out. They both know what they are doing and doing it regardless. Your DH needs to put you first here because he knows it is wrong. If he won’t then I wouldn’t be visiting again and he will have to deal with that instead. By treating his wife this way they are in fact treating him with little respect also. He may want to reflect on that.

Dyou know what, let them
get on with it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. The less you show you care, the more power you hold.

You could say afterwards: ‘I expect they had a great gossip. Thing is, if I was going to tell on my mother, I’d start with the police. So would her other children. I was a bit hurt at first by SIL marching in where angels fear to tread, but it’s a free country.’

Sorry I can't reply individually to everyone...I just don't have the time with work. I've read every message, most twice at this stage. So many people in the same boat as me. And such great advice. Thank you all so much. And good luck to you all who are in the same boat - Lord knows we need it. Thank you

Well, I really hope this comes back to massively bite them in the arse!!