To think my inlaws are being used as flying monkeys?

[chicosmommy]

Long story but am no contact with my narcissistic mother for 4 years no contact with my enabling father for 2 years.

Recently, and I posted about it here, my mother in law, with whom I get on really well, bumped into my mother in the middle of town and told her there was a street fête on their street. She said, "do pop over if you're in the neighbourhood." Lo and behold, my parents arrived.

My mother was crying to my mother in law about how horrible I am and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!). Once we heard from MIL that she had told my mother to "pop round" for the street fête, both DH and I did not attend the street fête, as we knew my parents would jump at the opportunity to attend.

MIL told DH afterwards how my mother was crying, but then was saying awful things about me and DH. She said she even felt a bit sorry for her!

Now it transpires that my sister in law, who it also turns out was at the street fête that day, was WITH my MIL when my mother launched her tirade against me. I've just found out that my SIL also "felt sorry" for my MIL and decided to invite her to her house for dinner this weekend!

I'm completely gobsmacked. I've only heard this from my MIL, who kind of said it by accident.

I don't know why my SIL would do this. It is none of her business! I've never been overly close to my SIL but at the same time I've never had a disagreement with her.

I feel betrayed, sidelined and very upset.

DH messaged his sister to ask why she's doing this and her reply was "to be a good person to older people who are struggling." SIL does not know the details of the estrangement between me and my parents as I have always ensured I don't wash my dirty linen in public! But suffice to say that she does know we are estranged.

AIBU?

I really like the@pickledandpuzzled message to MIL suggestion, although these things may be better communicated by your DH directly to his mum for a while. If he’s going round this weekend, it’s a really good chance to warn his family that firstly, you and he don’t want to hear anything relayed back about your parents and secondly, they can expect no help or sympathy when it all eventually goes tits-up! If your DH is planning to supply a lot of details about your past with your parents, I’d be inclined to say just give the broad strokes. If he gives a lot of details, your MIL may tell all of it to your SIL and SIL may repeat it all to your parents who will then give their version (all a pack of lies) and SIL feeds it back to MIL, who will probably have trouble resisting feeding that all back to DH/you etc…and on and on… Don’t give them too much ammunition, is what I’m trying to say! Good luck…it’ll be hard to past this much obliteration of boundaries by your ILs 😢

• get past, sorry

I agree with the others.

Keep your linen to yourself.

I do not think you should share your business with such disloyal untrustworthy people.

However, your husband could tell his mother that HE thinks she is an awful woman AND that ALL her children having gone NC for years tells its own tale.

I think HE should say how disappointed HE is, that HIS family would cause HIS wife pain, by THEIR behaviour.

Your SIL is a thundering nosy witch and I wouldn't look at her again.

The truth is your husbands family have let themselves down very badly in this.

You have zero need to make any further effort with them.

I really am sorry.

I cannot stand nosy people.

Your MIL is not actually a loving, kind mother if she’s brought her son up to fear her being upset.

Who says he's scared of her, @LacewingOrpington ? My MIL was quite the most lovely person I've been lucky eough to have in my life. I would have hated to have upset her. But it doesn't mean I was scared of her. Fearing upsetting someone doesn't mean being scared OF them. Simply of being scared that you might hurt them.

I wouldn't bother telling them anything.

They sound as if they would just go ahead to make up their own minds anyway.

If your husband doesn't really have your back on this I wouldn't trust him on knowing when to stop whilst trying to convince his mum of your side.

I agree what you describe is not the same. However, I think not feeling able to challenging your Mother on her getting deliberately involved with the in-laws you and your wife have consciously and deliberately chosen to No Contact with is.

I'm going to ask him to visit them this weekend and tell them the dirty laundry about how bad DM is.

Please don't. They will take great delight in telling your mum what's been said. You're just feeding the fire and giving them exactly what they want, which is gossip. 'Oooh, do you know what chicosmommy and [DH] have been saying about you?' They sound like the sort of people who love to be the first to share some gossip, even if no-one else knows. But then again you don't know who else they'd tell.

Please stick to dignified silence. And try not to let it upset you. You know that they - especially SIL - are taking pleasure in your upset, so don't let them see that you are. You don't need to see them at all, DH can if he wants, but don't let him guilt you into doing so no matter what tactics he tries to use.

I don't think there's any point in him telling duplicitous SIL. But MIL seems to be an allly, and was basically just trying to be nice (she did, after all, defend OP to her mother). Why she supported SIL in seeing OP's mum by babysitting in order for it to happen, goodness knows. But I reckon that if OP's DH explains things to her (and reiterates how badly his MIL treated him too) she might not be in a hurry to do that again, and likely to avoid OP's mum in the future.

Thanks and in hindsight I agree. I printed off all the replies here and handed them to DH to read.

@chicosmommy - to add to what @Gymnopediesaid, if (when) your SIL reports anything you say back to your parents, they will take it as a form of engagement with them. It won’t matter to them that it’s a negative form of engagement; all they will see is that you are still talking and thinking about them, and above all, that they can get under your skin. They will wax lyrical to your SIL about how none of it is true and it’s so unfair, knowing full well it could get back to you - and their hope and expectation will be that you then defend yourself and essentially begin a dialogue of sorts.

They will love the idea that they can still wind you up even when you refuse to see them. Don’t give them the oxygen.