To think my inlaws are being used as flying monkeys?

[chicosmommy]

Long story but am no contact with my narcissistic mother for 4 years no contact with my enabling father for 2 years.

Recently, and I posted about it here, my mother in law, with whom I get on really well, bumped into my mother in the middle of town and told her there was a street fête on their street. She said, "do pop over if you're in the neighbourhood." Lo and behold, my parents arrived.

My mother was crying to my mother in law about how horrible I am and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!). Once we heard from MIL that she had told my mother to "pop round" for the street fête, both DH and I did not attend the street fête, as we knew my parents would jump at the opportunity to attend.

MIL told DH afterwards how my mother was crying, but then was saying awful things about me and DH. She said she even felt a bit sorry for her!

Now it transpires that my sister in law, who it also turns out was at the street fête that day, was WITH my MIL when my mother launched her tirade against me. I've just found out that my SIL also "felt sorry" for my MIL and decided to invite her to her house for dinner this weekend!

I'm completely gobsmacked. I've only heard this from my MIL, who kind of said it by accident.

I don't know why my SIL would do this. It is none of her business! I've never been overly close to my SIL but at the same time I've never had a disagreement with her.

I feel betrayed, sidelined and very upset.

DH messaged his sister to ask why she's doing this and her reply was "to be a good person to older people who are struggling." SIL does not know the details of the estrangement between me and my parents as I have always ensured I don't wash my dirty linen in public! But suffice to say that she does know we are estranged.

AIBU?

The in-laws obviously think you are the problem going NC for no reason they are aware of. Your mother will no doubt be telling stories about you to gain sympathy from them. Have you had any issues with the in-laws before now?

No they knew there is estrangement and my DH had previously said my mother isn't very nice to me and treats me appallingly. He or me said that we wouldn't go into detail as its very painful, but suffice to say they know full well we are no contact and know it is because they've been told my mother is horrible to me (& to my siblings).

I suggest you get your DH to message like: 'Good luck, hope you survive OK and keep your expensive spirits under lock and key'

She sounds exactly like my mother and that's exactly something my mother would do.

It's a bit odd for the SIL to invite a couple over who must be so much older?

A good message, thanks

Your MIL started it by inviting her to her to a party you intended to be at. Your family then lost out. She’s now babysitting to facilitate a dinner for her.

Now you put it like that, the fact they’re in cahoots with each other (MIL babysitting etc) shows how enthusiastic they are about welcoming OP’s mother into their family.

The charitable explanation is that they’re nice, albeit naive people who have fallen for the sob stories. The uncharitable opinion is that they’re loving the drama and the shit stirring.

Fingers crossed you get your “I told you so” moment @chicosmommy

Do you have children that your IL's have unsupervised contact with? I'd be concerned about them ignoring your boundaries re no contact extending to any children involved.

Thanks, agree fully with all you say.

I had a similar situation with a sibling I was NC with for similar reasons to the OP. He took any opportunity to speak to my friends/more distant relatives etc and gave them a sob story about how much he missed me/didn't understand why I was so cold to him/worried about my mental health etc. Even when I tried to tell them why we were NC he minimised it etc and they tried to engineer situations where I would see him. I'm sure they thought they were helping and that we just needed to be able to talk it out and we'd all be friends. As a pp mentioned, I think people who have no experience of such people can understand that by the time you go NC you have given them lots of chances, believed their apologies, wanted to help etc and got to the stage where you have to say no more for your own safety and sanity.

In my case, it was never long before the his mask slipped and those that he befriended in this way soon saw what he was really like.

While I'm sorry that happened because it seems like it would have caused a lot of aggro, in a way it's the best thing that could have possibly happened. I hope your MIL takes your word for things now!

Absolutely this. How shitty of your SIL and MIL. Id step back from them all. See how it all turns out for them 😒

He doesn't want to "upset" his mother. If he reads his sister the riot act, she'll just go crying to his mother, which will upset his mother. That's my DH reason. DH is supportive of me insofar he thinks what his mother and SIL are doing is horrendous. He can't stand my mother. She had been terrible to him also in the past.

Yeah your DH needs to get over that @chicosmommy He HAS to be robustly on your side - his fear of upsetting his family cannot override your right to his support as his spouse.

Never any previous issues. My SIL has never been nice to me, nor has she ever fallen out with me.

She's always been a but unfriendly. Example, she'll wish all other inlaws and family members a happy birthday...all over Facebook, cards posted etc. but never once in 20 years has she said happy birthday to me. Just a small thing. I gave up wishing her a happy birthday a few years ago.

She'll also make catty like remarks to me like "i think your allergies are all in your head", followed by a big jokey laugh. I'm asthmatic with severe hay-fever. So quite a passive aggressive person but I've never challenged her before.

This would be my concern - they start letting your mother see your kids behind your back.

I would be appalled too if I were you. SIL is doing it to get dirt, plain and simple.

Yup

She sounds like an arse.

Thanks. My MIL is a kind person.
SIL is sneaky and not like MIL at all.

It sounds like SIL is about to find out what a true narc is like... she doesn't know what's coming, does she? 💐 for you OP, I have one in the family and I had a distant relative berating me for what 'I'd done', with them being used as a flying monkey by the narc. I sympathise.

Your mom sounds like my SIL - a nightmare. She lives locally and we have been NC for almost a year but prior to that we were distant for some years. She has no children and is in the pub every night crying to whomever will listen about how we stopped her seeing her niece and nephew. Oh please. At the start of the NC (which she instigated by calling me a dirty rotten B) i found it so difficult when mutual friends would say how sorry they felt for her having listened to her crying about her beloved DN's. But as time has gone on they are all realizing that she is a lost cause. A complete narcissistic person who is trying to control the narrative.

People naively say things like, shes your mother and you should try to make up. They never consider what the mother could've done to cause all her children to go NC.

Sit back, relax, let them see her for what she is.
They will eventually realise.

Also something that has helped me is the saying, what other people think of you is none of your business. Let people think what they want, you know the truth.

She sounds odious. Well done to you for breaking the trauma cycle for your children. Onwards and upwards x.

Your nasty SIL is just digging for dirt on you.

She doesn't like you and hasn't made any secret of that fact. And going out of her way to invite your M is ensuring two outcomes - that it pisses you off, and that she gets to hear the "real" shit on you.

But there will be a third outcome, in time. And on her head be it. She deserves every bit of it.

But now is the time to pull back from DH's family.

Start to plan a busy summer with lots of prior commitments/ overtime and summer camps for the kids/ hobbies for you. DH can visit if he must, but until you can trust your ILs, (and they have proven you can't because of arranging to meet your family behind your back) the children stay at home with you.

Let them get on with it. You have strong boundaries and a strong relationship with your DH. Your SIL and Mother have not very nice people and that is why they have bonded - birds of a feather etc. Their fallout will be spectacular and any further issues will quietly go away and SIL will act as though nothing has happened. Keep your distance.

OP I really feel your pain

It took me years to work out my DM is a controlling narcissist who properly messed up my head
She would find ways to contact my friends and get them on her side by subtly alludingto me being" hard work" and complicated
She regularly sees my siblings and cousins ( who live hundreds of miles away)for meals out etc but never mentions this to me. DC told me this when the accidently mentioned seeing X. I have never stopped them from seeing GM but have asked them to be mindfull of what they tell them.
I've lost a lot of good friends due to my DMs
gossiping and ditto relatives with whom I used to have a relationship with.
I could go on...my close friend has suggested that I meet my DM to build bridges and her words suggest she has already spoken to them despite me explaining why I'm LC for good reason.

Yeah, that's a good, boundary-setting message