To think my inlaws are being used as flying monkeys?

[chicosmommy]

Long story but am no contact with my narcissistic mother for 4 years no contact with my enabling father for 2 years.

Recently, and I posted about it here, my mother in law, with whom I get on really well, bumped into my mother in the middle of town and told her there was a street fête on their street. She said, "do pop over if you're in the neighbourhood." Lo and behold, my parents arrived.

My mother was crying to my mother in law about how horrible I am and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!). Once we heard from MIL that she had told my mother to "pop round" for the street fête, both DH and I did not attend the street fête, as we knew my parents would jump at the opportunity to attend.

MIL told DH afterwards how my mother was crying, but then was saying awful things about me and DH. She said she even felt a bit sorry for her!

Now it transpires that my sister in law, who it also turns out was at the street fête that day, was WITH my MIL when my mother launched her tirade against me. I've just found out that my SIL also "felt sorry" for my MIL and decided to invite her to her house for dinner this weekend!

I'm completely gobsmacked. I've only heard this from my MIL, who kind of said it by accident.

I don't know why my SIL would do this. It is none of her business! I've never been overly close to my SIL but at the same time I've never had a disagreement with her.

I feel betrayed, sidelined and very upset.

DH messaged his sister to ask why she's doing this and her reply was "to be a good person to older people who are struggling." SIL does not know the details of the estrangement between me and my parents as I have always ensured I don't wash my dirty linen in public! But suffice to say that she does know we are estranged.

AIBU?

I'd message MiL a bit differently-

You're a really kind woman and I know you are trying to help. You think that you can help rebuild the good relationship all families should have, and save my parents feelings.

I know it's hard for you to understand but unfortunately they aren't like you, or most parents. They aren't 'just a bit difficult'. They are very good at hiding what they are really like. All my siblings and I have had to distance ourselves to keep us and our children safe.

Please be very careful what you tell them. They are very manipulative, and don't care who they hurt to get what they want.

I had hoped not to drag you into it- it's embarrassing and upsetting, and I'd have preferred to keep it private. Unfortunately they've started to rope you and SiL in so I thought I'd better warn you to be careful.

You can't control your ILs invitations. Since you won't tell them why you're nc they're only getting your mums side of things. Other than making it perfectly clear you won't attend social events with them there is nothing else you can do other than ignore.

You poor woman.

You will need to be strong.
His sister is being deliberately nasty as she doesn't like you.

Have nothing further to do with her.

Your MIL is sneaky and underhand but not the brightest button in the box, as she let the cat out of the bag.

@TheChoiceIsYours message is excellent.

You need to protect yourself from them all, even that husband of yours who is scared of his own shadow.

They have zero loyalty to you, so you will need to be resolute in your boundaries.

Awful people.

Your MIL might be kind but imo she's a bloody idiot!

and she was berating my husband too, to my mother in law (her own son!!).

And yet she still invited them!

So she's either as nosy as SIL or she doesn't car too much for her son & his wife!

Give your mother enough rope and she’ll hang herself. As pp say, make sure they know it’s your siblings too, then refuse to engage with anything concerning her name.

This is so true. It happens on here all the time. Not just with family members but also with DHs - just talk to them! As if abusive people stop being abusive if you have a little chat.

Another thing is that I think there's a bit of ego involved, a bit like when people think your child doesn't sleep because you're not trying hard enough and they would do it better - they think they could do your family relationships better than you do. It's infuriating.

OP in this circumstance I'm not sure if I'd say much. I agree with @takealettermsjones approach, just say it once and don't listen to any follow up conversations.

To be fair, mothers like @chicosmommy‘s are VERY good at making people feel sorry for them and using others as flying monkeys, they make up all kinds of shit about us to make themselves look wronged and the victim when the utter reverse is true.

I’ll go further to say that SIL may not be familiar with a toxic dynamic and she can’t possibly imagine that this poor old lady act is anything other than truth.

we…. On the other hand keep our laundry washing private which might feel like the right thing to do, but it creates a space for toxic person to fill. Our Fear, Obligation and Guilt means we can’t go round telling the truth because we’d never be believed anyway

if I were you, I’d get dh to speak to his sister and tell her what’s gone on and why you’re NC and that while she’s welcome to speak to who she likes, it feels a massive betrayal and creates a real threat to the peace and happiness not only in your immediate family but SIL/Mil too and to be VERY wary of what your DM is saying as it’s just not true

tell SIL that there’s very good reason for ALL her kids to have gone NC with her.

People like your mum can be very convincing. My mum's the same. She was an aggressive bully to me and my dad behind closed doors but her public face is sweet and helpless.
I'd just leave your in laws to get on with it. They might live to regret it

My sibling keeps doing this with my in-laws who were very low contact with and I resist the urge to tell them how it’s obvious they can’t resist because “birds of a feather flock together”! They delights in bringing them up and saying “sorry to upset you but…”. I think they misjudge what upsets me. I believe they thinks I find it upsetting that they chooses to be closer to my in-laws than I am, whereas it upsets me as yet another reminder how theu don’t have my back.

My parents have mostly been the opposite, they made different decisions with my grandparents who were just as bad if not worse, so have expressed some struggles with our preferred approach but they’ve always had my DH and my back.

I think this is a situation where when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I would always have my children and their partners and my siblings back even if I would view it differently from them and make different decisions myself. There is no reason for them to have a relationship with your family and the fact they actively choose to do this has likely meant they’ve treated your DH in a similar way all his life and part of the reason you and your DH emotionally understand each other. IMO It is not appropriate to interject yourself into your children’s relationship with their in-laws, your siblings relationship with their in-laws or even your friends’ relationships with their family or in-laws.

Are they your SIL's neighbours? I remember a thread where she wanted to invite them as her neighbours for Xmas dinner instead of her SIL's alcoholic NC parents. And got her arse handed to her.

Some really good posts on here OP. I think the one above is very good as it may open DH's eyes to the fact that his DM has done this to you both despite knowing how her own DS was treated by your DM and that maybe he doesn't have to worry about "upsetting her" any longer since she thinks nothing of upsetting him. The other thing here is to "Please ensure that they both know that ALL your siblings are also NC with your mum." as PPs have said.

I would stick to occasionally seeing MIL with your DCs, but not trusting her an inch in future so not telling her anything or giving her anything she can pass on to your DM. SIL I would completely cut out. It is clear from your posts that she has never liked you much and has jumped at the chance to try to make trouble. I hope she gets what she deserves from your DM. If you ever do bump into SIL in future you can just laugh and say "I wonder what delightful things DM is saying about you now. I've been hearing all sorts of things via the gossip networks." and leave her to stew.

It is sad you've had to go through this and you are sensible to protect yourself and your DC from it. Ignore the others as they'll figure it out in time. Your DM won't be able to keep up the good act for ever.

Ignore it completely, otherwise SIL will feed back to
your parents that you’re upset, and then your parents will be delighted that they’ve affected you. Grey rock all the way - ‘you’re having my parents over for dinner? Oh how lovely have a nice time’ ‘you met my mum in town? Oh that’s nice isn’t the weather great today’ etc etc.

I’d strongly suspect that your lovely MIL and SIL have been secretly bitching about you and your mum for a long time. You’re not as close as you think you are.

Sadly, I agree with pp that grey rock with MIL and SIL is now the only way forward to avoid anything being passed on to your mother. I’m really sorry they’ve done this to you and know how exhausting maintaining grey rock can be.

No. But they're from the same town, maybe like 5 or 6 miles away from one another.

My SIL, yes, but i don't think my MIL would. My MIL actually told my DM that I am a "great mother" when my DM started bashing me. My DM also asked my MIL if DH and me are still together and then got huffy when MIL said that we are happy and "like two peas in a pod." My MIL told my DH this.

Love that about the leaving SIL stew bit. That's v good! I'll try that!

So true

Neither I nor my siblings are in contact with mother her narcissm is off the scale. She has in the past inveigled herself into our circle of other family and friends. It never lasted the mask slipped.

None of us have ever bad mouthed her we stay resolutely silent. @chicosmommy your SIL will have to learn the hard way because your mother will cause upsets in her life. Just stand back.

Yes him not standing up for me is the only source of any argument between us tbh. I'm going to ask him to visit them this weekend and tell them the dirty laundry about how bad DM is.

I had exactly the same happen but with my sd

My while family are narcs-or flying monkeys and I went nc with them and moved well over 100 miles away

My family know I moved but not my address,work place,phone number etc

Any sd (then 17) moved in with us in 2019 as her mother chucked her out and caused so much shit for us,I made it clear it was her or me-one of us had to move out (she was off to uni at this point anyway)

My dp chose me so sd went skidding off to my family-stirring the pot on how evil i was (asking for a token rent asking her to clean up after herself,as I'm not hear to pick up her dirty knickers and do her washing up and please dont go shit stirring to her own mother or my family-she refused) and giving them my address,work place,phone number-the lot

Of course that stirred them up again-I had to get the police involved to get them to back off and it means I can't speak openly to my darling mil (sd's granny) in case she let's slip (innocently) to sd and up it all comes again

Of course she's very happy with herself and is in touch with them via sm to this day-stirring the pot even though ive only seen her once since the first lockdown-what they don't know,they make up

it'll come back and bite her arse one day

Until you've lived it you can't imagine it

OP’s SIL doesn’t need to know why the OP cut off her parents. She WANTS to know why - she’s probably drooling like a starving dog to find out why - but she doesn’t need to know. All she needs to know is that this has happened, and therefore she should keep her beak out.

OP - ignore the advice saying “You need to explain why you’re NC and that all your other siblings are NC too”. You absolutely do NOT need to do this. It’s just feeding their appetite for gossip - and the likelihood is that, rather than giving them food for thought, it will just fuel their interest. Just disengage and, if they complain, point out that it was their decision to insert themselves in your family issues.

My BIL has no problems with his parents, as far as I’m aware. I’ve still never invited them to dinner without him, because frankly, why would I? Who would? Literally our only connection is that their son’s wife and my sister happen to be the same woman. If I (and most people) don’t feel the need to develop a social relationship with a sibling’s in-laws when they do get along, why would anyone do it with in-laws who don’t get along?

Your MIL is not actually a loving, kind mother if she’s brought her son up to fear her being upset. If I tell my parents something they’re doing/not doing is upsetting me or my DH then they respect and listen to that even if it doesn’t make sense to them. I expect your DH suffers FOG when tackling his family. We’ve just drawn up the drawbridge and medium chill the lot of them. Worked well for us. We explain nothing now (after years of over explaining) and focus on what we can control which is our boundaries and our own well-being. It’s been interesting as it’s really shown overtime the similar dynamics that play out in both our family even though they present differently on the surface.

I think unfortunately you do need to air your dirty linen in public, then your MIL and SIL know what they are dealing with.

I disagree - very much so.

Grey rock only works if you stay out, all the way out of drama. A Narc has a way of inveigling things out of the unsuspecting confidants and then piles on top of that, twisting and changing the narrative. It is how they get flying monkeys onside in the first place!

Silence is golden. You cant change a persons mind for them but when the mask slips because the narc shows themselves - it is an absolute revelation and suddenly people go from 'poor them, how could you do that to your lovely Mum' to 'holy fuck what a narc' faster than a bullet.