To ask what made your partner "step up"?

[WishIHadaGreenerThumb]

I am really hoping this doesn't turn into a man-bashing thread, but here goes...

I am wondering if any of you have experience of your partner (or indeed yourself) deciding to "step up". What prompted this decision? Was it successful, as in, did it result in long-term change? Was therapy involved and did it help?

Basically, like a large number of other women, after our first child arrived, I felt like I was doing the lion's share of all the domestic duties. My husband isn't a horribly selfish person, but since the birth most of the time he just doesn't put himself out to help out. For example, he will not forgo drinking his coffee quietly while it's still hot in order to change a dirty diaper, wipe sticky hands, bring down washing, etc. He has no compunction about leaving DC to whine and cry that he's hungry, because DH wants to finish watching an episode of his show before he deals with dinner. He leaves the dishes to do "in the morning", when having a cluttered and messy kitchen makes life harder in the mornings.

Before kids, there were just not so many of these time sensitive tasks and he doesn't seem to realise that this is life with small children - that a lot of our ability to do exactly what we want when we want is on hold until DC is more independent.

However. He really, truly believes he is being an equal partner. He wants to be an equal partner. He thinks he is doing the lion's share, and thinks my expectations are either being met or are unreasonable. By any measure, I am doing more, but he just doesn't accept this. To me, it really feels like he has the mindset of a young guy without responsibilities and just has a bit of "growing up" (for want of a better term) to do, than that he is a bad, selfish, waste of space human. I'm just not sure how long I can deal with the current situation and am looking for hope.

I hear a lot about ExPs who didn't step up, and I hear a lot about people who never felt they had to, but I don't think I've ever read a thread where people talk about successful personal growth in this way.

So I am wondering, were any of you in a similar situation? Did you have a partner who thought they were sharing the load (or did you yourself), until the scales fell from their eyes? What prompted that realisation, and did it stick?

And before it is brought up, we are both open to couples counselling, but we have not yet had a lot of success with it.

Either he does not “really truly believe he’s doing an equal share” or he’s thick as shit.

The only way he will “step up” is if he chooses to.

Not really the answer you were looking for but I got cancer and he had no choice. I'm six months out of treatment and doing well. Things are 50/50 (ish) now.

I honestly feel like this tonight too. My dining table is heaped with laundry he's washed and dried but literally dumped on there.
I've spent an hour washing up as he leaves stuff to soak. Wiped it all down then he "helps" with dinner by grating the Parmesan onto outer pasta. Then just ignores the fact he's spilled it all over my clean work surface.
It feels ridiculous reading this back but it's so disrespectful.
I've just gone full time at work from 4 days and I'm on my knees. New job. My older DS has just had a health change and I'm exhausted.

I got ill

I woke up one Saturday and on a Massive piece of paper with the heading Mental Load at the top and I wrote all of the jobs that needed doing regularly. I pointed out that he had never in our 7 year olds whole life: booked her dentist appointments, bought her friends birthday presents, cards, wrapped them, clean the bathroom, sorted out DDs toys/clothes that she’d grown out of, meal planning, food shopping, holiday booking and organising, booking school lunches and so on and on.
Ever since he saw in black and white what (although I work much longer hours than he does) I do all the time, he has been much more pro-active.

I now meet him every Saturday morning at our dining table and point out the mental load list to him. If after seeing it all with his own eyes he still did fuck all, I would 100% leave him. Life should be easier with an extra team mate not harder!!!!

Do people ever step up spontaneously? Usually it takes something massive like losing kids, illness, relationship breakdown to prompt behavioural change. Why would anyone change their behaviour unless they are deeply uncomfortable? He believes he is doing 50/50 so what would be the benefit of him taking on more responsibility?

Not saying I agree at all! But changing your behaviour is hard work, you either have to be super uncomfortable where you are or have a massive reward at the end of it. Is having a cleaner kitchen and slightly less annoyed wife motivating enough for him?

My partner was furloughed during the pandemic while I had to carry on working. Our lives completely swapped over and he suddenly got a sharp shock over what was required to run the home with a 3 and 5 yr old. Up to that point he had never cared for them alone for a whole day.
Also just as importantly - I had to leave him to it and not jump in every time he didn't meet my standards.
I have gone back to doing a lot of household things now but it is definitely much more appreciated.
He still leaves the dishes to 'do tomorrow' though.

Why does he think he's an equal partner - have you told him he's not? I didn't have a major issue as DP has always been pretty hands on. However, we did have a brief period of inequity when I initially went back to work after mat leave. We resolved it by me telling him I wasn't happy and asking him to do specific tasks (including planning the task). It often isn't up to my standard but I mostly ignore that as I'm busy. On the odd occasion I want something done to my standard I ask him to or do it myself. With your examples, I don't think waiting 10 mins to change a dirty nappy is a big deal, mucky hands need to be wiped straight away as otherwise cause more mess, washing can wait (as long as he does it). Making DC wait for dinner so he can watch tv is not ok if they are young. Basically to say people have different standards and views on how important / urgent things are. If it's a pattern of him prioritising himself over your child though that's also not ok. You need to talk to him.

I now meet him every Saturday morning at our dining table and point out the mental load list to him. If after seeing it all with his own eyes he still did fuck all, I would 100% leave him.

You still have to do this every Saturday??

I didn’t have a child with Sid the Sexist, so no.

What's wrong with finishing his coffee first? Assuming no one is in mortal peril.

And this, actually. I finish my coffee first, assuming no one is at death’s door.

How does he not see you do more though? Surely he can see that he is sitting on his arse on the sofa for much longer than you every day?

When you say dirty nappy...is he letting his child sit in their own poo while he has a nice hot drink? How old are the kids- toddler age? If so, I do think thats selfish actually. Little kids get really hungry really quickly and can't control their reaction to the feeling. I think keeping small children hungry because you want to finish watching a show (in the days where you can pause or catch on everything) is pretty shitty actually.

If he doesnt believe you do more cant you find a way of comparing?like both log every physical and mental task you do all day for a few days?

What happens if you leave the laundry to pile up and the dishes in the sink? Try it. Wait for him to bring up the conversation.

Yes, we have had a lot of discussions about this. However, they almost always get bogged down in the details ("Each diaper I change takes 15 minutes, so that's the same as you doing X" "Changing a diaper doesn't take 15 minutes, it takes 5!" "It takes at least 12!" etc.) and we don't really ever seem to get anywhere.

He is an arguer by nature (and upbringing) and would argue the sky was green if I happened to mention it was blue, whereas I am very argument avoidant.

He definitely does a lot more than a lot of DPs you read about (he changes probably 80% of diapers, for example), but it's still me dealing with all the mental load (reminding him to change the flipping diaper because if not DC will be sopping wet - leaking through his clothes - before DH remembers).

"For example, he will not forgo drinking his coffee quietly while it's still hot in order to change a dirty diaper, wipe sticky hands, bring down washing, etc."

How much would you enjoy your coffee with the smell of a just-filled nappy wafting in your direction?

And would you be OK with your partner sitting with his coffee whilst watching a sticky-handed toddler leave handprints over every surface they could reach, creating a cleaning job that could have been headed off at the pass by putting his coffee down for 20 seconds and wiping those stuck hands?

I absolutely have. As it's me doing the cooking, I have to deal with the messy kitchen, trying to clear the sink so I can fill a pot for pasta while the baby is screaming.

As I say, he already thinks he does more than me, so me not doing my bit is taken as evidence for how much he does do.

This is exactly how I feel, thank you. He puts off jobs that would take 10 seconds, which creates work that takes much longer.

But again, I'm not here for husband-bashing! I really am hoping to hear about people who had a bit of a learning curve when the first child arrived, but got there in the end.

My SIL was/is very good, if she saw an injustice so to speak she would say to DH WTF do you think you are doing get up and pull your finger out, and he would.

(I’m speaking past tense as our DC are grown and gone so this was early days).

interestingly we aren’t best friend type of SIL’s, we just get on well and she is a forthright type of person. Hadn’t always worked out well for her career wise, but that is who she is and I think it’s an admirable quality.

Do you have a family buddy who could help similarly?

Me leaving.

Before baby it was always 50/50. After baby DH thought he could be a lazy shit.

He assumed that because I was at home on mat leave with the baby I'd be doing everything. DH didn't do a single thing for me, the baby or the house. I cooked, cleaned, looked after DS and did night duties on top. I was even relegated to the spare room at one point as DH "needed his rest because he had work in the morning."

We spoke, we argued, nothing changed.

I packed a bag and left. DH actually repulsed me with his attitude and behaviour.

We are back together but it took a lot of hard work, apologising from him and counselling. He's never behaved like it since. DS is now 9.

Why would any competent adult not realise that kids need looking after, jobs need doing and shit needs sorting? It’s not that they don’t know or they don’t see it or they don’t realise, it’s that they can’t be bothered, and 99% of the time the woman will pick up the slack so they never have to.

people behave in the way that benefits them the most. Doing fuck all benefits them. Listening to the wife moan at them for doing fuck all while she does everything is still more beneficial than getting off their arse so they learn to tune it out.

nobody will voluntarily do what they don’t want to do if they don’t have to. I’d quite happily sit on my arse and do fuck all if I got meals, clean clothes, a shag, a clean house and my kids looked after just for the price of being moaned at occasionally.

You might not like to hear this but the only thing that worked for me was throwing him out. We still aren't there yet but now he's had to actually do all the domestic work of looking after just himself he does contribute alot more when I let him stay over at mine.

This sounds like exactly what I need! Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone in my life like this.

I don’t know about being forced to step up but I had to go back into hospital for 3 nights when DS was about a week old and as soon as that was confirmed and the midwife on the unit was talking to me about how I was going to look after DS (I couldn’t even get out of bed) he looked at her as if she was crazy and told her he was taking him home. I cried a LOT of that night but he was right.

I’ve no idea if we have an “equal” or “correct” split now but I’m happy with it.

After a fairly horrendous Christmas, I told him that this was not going to be my life, I wasn’t prepared to put up with it, and if he carried on he would be spending the next Christmas on his own.

Next day he told me that he had stayed awake all night, thought about things, and wrote a list of what was important to him .. and I was top of that list. He apologised, and changed from that day. That was about ten years ago.