To ask what made your partner "step up"?

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I am really hoping this doesn't turn into a man-bashing thread, but here goes...

I am wondering if any of you have experience of your partner (or indeed yourself) deciding to "step up". What prompted this decision? Was it successful, as in, did it result in long-term change? Was therapy involved and did it help?

Basically, like a large number of other women, after our first child arrived, I felt like I was doing the lion's share of all the domestic duties. My husband isn't a horribly selfish person, but since the birth most of the time he just doesn't put himself out to help out. For example, he will not forgo drinking his coffee quietly while it's still hot in order to change a dirty diaper, wipe sticky hands, bring down washing, etc. He has no compunction about leaving DC to whine and cry that he's hungry, because DH wants to finish watching an episode of his show before he deals with dinner. He leaves the dishes to do "in the morning", when having a cluttered and messy kitchen makes life harder in the mornings.

Before kids, there were just not so many of these time sensitive tasks and he doesn't seem to realise that this is life with small children - that a lot of our ability to do exactly what we want when we want is on hold until DC is more independent.

However. He really, truly believes he is being an equal partner. He wants to be an equal partner. He thinks he is doing the lion's share, and thinks my expectations are either being met or are unreasonable. By any measure, I am doing more, but he just doesn't accept this. To me, it really feels like he has the mindset of a young guy without responsibilities and just has a bit of "growing up" (for want of a better term) to do, than that he is a bad, selfish, waste of space human. I'm just not sure how long I can deal with the current situation and am looking for hope.

I hear a lot about ExPs who didn't step up, and I hear a lot about people who never felt they had to, but I don't think I've ever read a thread where people talk about successful personal growth in this way.

So I am wondering, were any of you in a similar situation? Did you have a partner who thought they were sharing the load (or did you yourself), until the scales fell from their eyes? What prompted that realisation, and did it stick?

And before it is brought up, we are both open to couples counselling, but we have not yet had a lot of success with it.

Honestly I was so fed up of doing it all I decided I was going to leave my partner if he didn’t do his share. I made a plan of how we could separate , and then I had a proper conversation with him (after months of moaning and arguing about how little he was doing) and explained that it would be over if he didn’t do his share, I was specific about what I considered would be a fair amount. I know that’s extreme when you have kids, but I was so miserable and exhausted I thought the kids would be better off with separated parents who didn’t hate each other.

he knew I was serious about it (and I was, my partner is not a horrible man, just can be very lazy, he is the parent that works part time, so the lack of house work when he has the kids was driving me mad, but I think deep down he knew that I wouldn’t continue to tolerate it, and he would have had to accept much worse of everything if we split up). He was also making no effort in other parts of our lives (spending no time with me, going on his phone all the bloody while, being a bell end in general)

anyway, he did step up, this convo took place a couple of years ago and now he does his fair share, and we rarely discuss who does what, we each pick up slack. He sometimes probably does do more than me, it depends on what’s happening in general.

I think it’s sad that it came to me saying I would split up our family over it, but I couldn’t see myself in the long term coping with it and the resentment building, we would have hated each other eventually.

I really don't know. Whenever I try and raise it with him, he completely discounts how much I do. For example, I do every night waking for our 18 month old who is and always has been a terrible sleeper - 6+ wakings a night. But he tells me it's not that bad because a) the odd time he does it, DC goes straight back to sleep and b) each waking is relatively short. Because I stick a boob in DC's mouth and have to contort myself to sleep like that all night long! And guess what, if I set an alarm for every 1.5 to 2 hours throughout the night and made sure DH woke up, even for 30 seconds, he would feel pretty damn tired!

I guess maybe that's really what I'm asking. How do I communicate myself more clearly so that he gets what I'm dealing with? But I guess that's not something Mumsnet can answer.

I did log everything we each did in the morning routine, and that message got across. Maybe I should try it with other things too. It just takes so much time and effort, when I really don't have a lot else to give (and don't feel I should have to).

Honestly, this sounds exactly like him, and it is really heartening that things got better, although clearly not ok that it had to get to such a state. Thanks for this.

I did nearly leave my husband 10 years ago when I started full time work again. But we ended up having a serious conversation (after a few weeks of uncomfortable silence and strops!)
He then took on the meal planning, shopping and cooking which Fred up a lot of head space for me. I no longer do things like think about his families presents (although I will think about his mother's because she is a lovely woman and deserves more than a bottle of wine on her birthday!) And I tell him to sort things out instead of automatically doing them.
For to my job, I now live away from home several nights a week and the kids are at uni so he had to look after the house whilst I'm away, which he is very good at now

Exactly the kind of story I was looking for. Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry things got to that point, but I'm glad they have gotten better for you.

He doesn't listen to you when you point out the unfair division of house labour, he actively discounts , disregards and minimises your efforts and inflates his own.

I don't think there's much you can do with someone that delusional and or stubborn, he sounds like one of those men that always has to be right, never wrong and I bet if you threatened to leave if he didn't apologise and start pitching in evenly he would cut his nose off and let you leave.

Sorry.

My DH is an amazing DH and father at 1 year butttt it was hard for him and me in the start and I sat him down and said i wasnt happy.
We talked and i realised i had to give him space and not micromanage him and accept done was okay. I also had to let him work out/realise he has to look ahead and prep by letting him fail.Some ideas...

Forced choice
"Do you want to change the nappy or get the bottle?"
"I am getting the change of clothes can you get baby undressed?"
" the dishwasher needs unloading i am going to fold the laundry"

consequences
When you are 1 meters outside the house ask "DH do we have water / snack / sunscreen / nappy change for baby?"
Let him put baby to bed and realise there is no clean dummies / bonjela / clean bottles etc"

With your DH thinking he does SO much i would either
-make a list his jobs vs yours

• compare free time

And dont let this slide. It was a hill i was willing to die on and our marriage is so much better for it.

We have had 2.5 years of conflict over this (son is 2.5). DH thought he did his fair share. He didn’t. I went back to work and was drowning doing all evening and weekend childcare while he needed his leisure time then to get over working (but I was working 4-5 days a week too!). It was killing me. I was so stressed but mainly so angry. He would go out cycling for a whole day as he needed ‘me time’, leaving me to do all the washing and cooking all weekend. Perhaps getting 30 mins to myself across the whole weekend.
I told him I was unhappy over and over again. He couldn’t not listen. I was like a broken record.
After a while he drew up a rota where we did evenings and weekends 50:50 eg he got Saturday mornings off and I got Sunday mornings off. He couldn’t even follow his own rota for 2 days before he said it was too hard for him and he needed a break from his turn. I went mental and said you can’t just default to me all the time.
Anyway, I then said look I’d rather be at home with toddler (9months after going back to work), I’m doing all the home stuff anyway, I want to quit my job, this is killing me.
Im so much happier now, my job was very full on and needed my full attention. I’m happier to let it go.
anyway weirdly DH now does more of his share than ever before (I think spending more 1:1 time with DS has made his realise it’s not easy being a SAHM and looking after children). He’s way better than he’s ever been with cooking and bed times and bath times.
Anyway, it took tons of trying but we have got to a good place in the end.

I go away pretty regularly with work.

I got covid when you still had to isolate from family if possible so he did 2 weeks solo.

But mainly I stopped stepping in to rescue him. If it went to shit on his watch, it went to shit. He learns quicker that way. It's horrendous at the time sitting on my hands but it's worth it for the long term.

Very interesting - thank you! I was on mat leave for a year, went back to work for a few months (but got almost nothing done, because I was WFH and doing almost all childcare - line manager didn't mind as they had changed jobs during my mat leave and I only had a couple months left on my contract). My contract finished and I am now looking for work. I do feel I would be a lot happier without this on my plate, but unfortunately it's not financially feasible for me to give up working completely.

DC is now in nursery part time, which has been a huge improvement for me, but nothing has fundamentally changed in our split of domestic duties and I have built up a lot of resentment.

In my case it didn’t, I’m sorry. He promised about five times that it would change (over about four years) and it did for a few months every time but he couldn’t sustain it. In the end I had to leave. My health was getting worse and worse. Not much has changed from what the kids tell me except he takes them out more… and he’s had to buy them clothes. I however feel 110% better most of the time!

I really hope your OH listens to you and does change… but unfortunately you can’t make him 💐

I repeatedly pointed out that he was a misogynistic for not doing his 50% of the chores. It took a lot of grisly arguments but it finally resonated with him and he's an awful lot better now.

Google Equal Care Day Mental Load list. We filled it in and them compared - had an honest discussion and he's actually changed but it hasn't been a month yet so not sure on long term impact

So a combination of things occurred for me. First DHs friends had kids. This really helped because prior to this he wanted to go out with them. I also made him read the book wifework. I also posted on here. I can't be sure but I think he read it. I think he realised how bad I was feeling.

We had lots of arguments about things which according to him took 5 mins or less so why ask him when I could just do it. It was pointed out on here that he couldn't have it both ways. If jobs were easy he wouldn't mind doing them? If they weren't then why should I do them all?

Over time we've split tasks. I still have more of that mental load but it's much lighter. For example he'll clear up if asked and does it immediately. If I'm working late he'll remember jobs I would usually do and get them done. He'll be proactive about things like birthdays/Christmas. He is in charge of food and cooking. For a long time now he understands if chooses to do x he is in effect choosing I'm parenting so he won't take the piss in this regard because he also finds sole parenting a challenge. We split things like ferrying kids to activities.

But I will say that fundamentally my husband is a kind and generous person. He would never have ignored our kids being hungry. I do wonder if you can get those changes from someone who can ignore a kid in that situation. It sounds as if he is bogged down in winning his argument rather than prioritising everyone's well being and happiness.

I told him I would leave him, unfortunately I let it fester for a year so whilst he's stepped up massively it might be a case of "too little, too late". I see him differently now, I always thought he was my friend and I could rely on him and he let me down. I'm not sure I'll get over it, it probably sounds weird but it's felt like a betrayal.

He's too much hard work..
There are some good stories on here of getting through things via communication. However - your husband is an arguer. You can't get anywhere with people who'd rather argue the point than deal with the real issues. They just want to be right at all costs.

I mean none of the good stories mention that the husband is argumentative so that should tell you something tbh

I stepped down so he had no choice. I don’t do the martyr thing so there was no chance I was going to run myself ragged for the family. I didn’t bust my back with cooking and cleaning so he’d get on with it as he knew it wouldn’t get done. Same with looking after his kids although they were stuck to me in early years due to breastfeeding but I made sure I did nothing else to even things out. I mean it’s not like he was lazy to begin with but I’m certain if I did too much he’d be sat on his backside particularly as it’s the done thing in my community for men to sit back and let the women do it. My in laws and their mates think I’m the wife from hell but I’m ok with that! We have a word in my dialect for women who don’t do what they’re ‘meant’ to do but no derogatory word for deadbeat or lazy men. Strange that.

I think you’re right.

For us, say we have one hour where we are doing house work, I will get several things done whereas dh will manage one thing.

He is slow. As. Fuck.

Watching him fold laundry is torture. Also he cannot do anything while talking at the same time. So we will be sharing a task and he says something and stops doing the chore, where I can listen to him, answer him while still working.

I've argued with him so much about his speed. Same with cooking, same with everything.

So we spend the same amount of time doing things, but I'll end up doing way more than him because I work more efficiently.

We went to marriage counselling. Having an outsider tell him we needed to divide chores more equally (and tell me to stop wading in to rescue him when it was all going to pot) really helped. He still needs prompting to
do some things, so he’s not perfect, but we’re so much happier than we were.

This is pretty much how I feel now. I don't know if I'll be able to forget how he's made me feel for the last year and a half, or how he's treated DC.

That is very hopeful!! I know they're not meant to be referees, but I do hope when we get it sorted the counsellor will be able to get him to see how things are currently divided.

They don't step up. I have a friend who thought her DH would change when they got the house, didn't, ok when they get married, didn't, had a baby, didn't. He's never going to step up or be who she wants him to be. He's a perfect example of who he is

My child is now almost 2 and I'm really struggling to move past it. I'm often very sad and quite honestly wish I had never met him. I feel like the love has gone and I don't know if it will come back. Sorry to hear you are feeling similar, I hope you have some people you can talk about this with in RL as I find that helps

Me. Lots and lots of arguments though, lots of me pushing and pushing. When we got married I did everything except diy. I cooked, cleaned. He washed dishes and they were dirty, I’d just put them back in the sink. Sometimes he washed them 3 or 4 times before they were actually clean. I cracked it about finances, about cooking- he never ever cooked and I made him. He sounds like a complete waste of time but we have got there and he is lovely and worth the effort- just, it’s come very very close. We had a baby and it didn’t get better. When he said he had something on in the evening I’d say and? And? You forgot to ask if it’s ok with me to be parenting solo that night. Oh we don’t have to ask? Ok I’m going out, he’s hungry and I think he just pooed, byeeee. So we got there. He took child to childcare without any clean clothes, obviously I didn’t pack a bag for him. I pointed out we would be put in the shit parents category by childcare staff because not having clean clothes for your child is one step towards being actually neglectful parents and I couldn’t respect or love a neglectful parent. He learnt. I did mornings and he did pick up so he had to cook them dinner and do bath and bed.
we got a cleaner, we had to tidy for the cleaner Thursday nights. I did this when he went out, I went out Thursday once and came home at midnight to a messy house, I woke him up to help tidy it. I was furious as I’m not our housekeeper.
I told him I’d leave him and find a keeper if he didn’t start looking after the dc actively when I’m unwell, that I wouldn’t grow old and risk being a carer for a man who had shown he would never care for me. He changed there too.
i totally understand it sounds like why did I bother with this loser. People think we are a perfect couple and we complement each other in lots of ways. Now he does more of the practical stuff- basic washing, meal planning, shopping, cooking, he’s a great cook now, takes them to football etc, bike rides,does the evening pick up, he’s a great dad, and I think that just about balances the remaining mental load imbalance. He does presents and cards for parties. He is doing the birthday presents for our June born dcs for the first time this year since we had children and will do the work on Christmas presents, both will have me doing thinking though.

but yours doesn’t sound like he’s interested to change. In your case he’d be doing nights or id be waking him every time I woke up. If it’s so easy, he can do it would be my mantra. If he claims it takes him 15 minutes to change a nappy you say I know you’re crap at it, if you were a junior at your work would you say that’s fine you be crap at that job and I’ll give you less work because it always takes you longer? Get better at nappies and the rest of your workload is not changing to compensate. You don’t need a vagina to change a nappy in 5 minutes.