To ask what made your partner "step up"?

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I am really hoping this doesn't turn into a man-bashing thread, but here goes...

I am wondering if any of you have experience of your partner (or indeed yourself) deciding to "step up". What prompted this decision? Was it successful, as in, did it result in long-term change? Was therapy involved and did it help?

Basically, like a large number of other women, after our first child arrived, I felt like I was doing the lion's share of all the domestic duties. My husband isn't a horribly selfish person, but since the birth most of the time he just doesn't put himself out to help out. For example, he will not forgo drinking his coffee quietly while it's still hot in order to change a dirty diaper, wipe sticky hands, bring down washing, etc. He has no compunction about leaving DC to whine and cry that he's hungry, because DH wants to finish watching an episode of his show before he deals with dinner. He leaves the dishes to do "in the morning", when having a cluttered and messy kitchen makes life harder in the mornings.

Before kids, there were just not so many of these time sensitive tasks and he doesn't seem to realise that this is life with small children - that a lot of our ability to do exactly what we want when we want is on hold until DC is more independent.

However. He really, truly believes he is being an equal partner. He wants to be an equal partner. He thinks he is doing the lion's share, and thinks my expectations are either being met or are unreasonable. By any measure, I am doing more, but he just doesn't accept this. To me, it really feels like he has the mindset of a young guy without responsibilities and just has a bit of "growing up" (for want of a better term) to do, than that he is a bad, selfish, waste of space human. I'm just not sure how long I can deal with the current situation and am looking for hope.

I hear a lot about ExPs who didn't step up, and I hear a lot about people who never felt they had to, but I don't think I've ever read a thread where people talk about successful personal growth in this way.

So I am wondering, were any of you in a similar situation? Did you have a partner who thought they were sharing the load (or did you yourself), until the scales fell from their eyes? What prompted that realisation, and did it stick?

And before it is brought up, we are both open to couples counselling, but we have not yet had a lot of success with it.

I left my unhelpful DH (he was also cheating and doing loads of cocaine so not just because of the unhelpfulness). I've thought about this a lot since then. I think in some ways we're the first generation to hold men to account like this and it's flipping hard work. Both in learning where to put your boundaries and in making men see they're not pulling their weight.

My mum never expected my dad to do anything. He earned money so his job was done in her opinion even though she worked too. She had a mindset of keep the man happy or he might leave and then we're fucked / shamed. So he trotted off to the pub every night she did everything ( and she had three kids in 4 years).

In the 80s there wouldn't have been a conversation like this really I don't think. Maybe a little bit men would be expected to chip in but not to the extent we expect (quite rightly) now. I think if you grew up in a household like mine or if he did then these are hard habits to break. It's not an excuse it's absolutely something that needs to be sorted. Hopefully if we do it our daughters and sons will reap the benefits.

That was a bit of a ramble sorry. Best of luck I hope you can get there. Btw look up the video of Michelle Obama describing how much she hated Barak after they first had kids. She gets it! They obviously sorted it so it's possible x

I left and took ds with me. 🙂

I put up with a year of his 1950s man 'children are women's work' nonsense, which started the week we came home from the maternity unit. Then I started applying for jobs. It took me 9 months but once I had my job, I rented a flat and we left.

He kicked off but since he'd refused to compromise, there was no going back. I had no desire to be his unpaid skivvy which is what he expected.

From that point on, he has had ds for 7 hours a week, giving me a break. It's not much but more of his time than ds was getting when we lived together.

@Bluebelle82

"I have gone back to doing a lot of household things now but it is definitely much more appreciated.
He still leaves the dishes to 'do tomorrow' though."
So he hasn't stepped up, has he? He's learned nothing.

Combination of things:
Adhd diagnosis (with medication and therapy)
Refusal on my part to do everything. I started physically removing myself at discussed and agreed times without leaving everything perfect and ready to go.
I broke my foot so he had to juggle two different drop offs and pick ups each day alongside work for a few weeks.
Focused some of our "pull your socks up". Hats on the impact it was having on our dc. He truly loves them to bits so highlighting the impact it was having on them, both now and shaping their expectations of future relationships hit home a bit more and came across as less whingy on my part.

You are as likely to be at fault here as he is. Perhaps you just feel you do more and the reality is different. Its a very difficult question for strangers on the internet to answer

How do u expect your partner to do night wakings when your child is in the habit (formed by you) of breastfeeding 6 times at night?

If you really want him to do half you either need to move to a bottle or stop feeding through the night. Once you have broken the habit (that you formed) then you can move to a 50/50 split surely?

@abmac95 I don't think it's just the night feeds. It's everything else as well. OP is knackered.

Anyway, the way I did it was to leave him.

We're back together but have separate houses. So when he has the DC for 2-3 nights a week, he is entirely responsible for everything.

I 'gave' him dentist and swimming lessons to sort out. I do other clubs and dr etc.

It's been great for the kids as they have a proper time with him parenting them solo, he went PT so could care for them while younger and now is there for drop offs and pick ups when it's his days.

Bollocks. What the OP has said, we hear time and again from women on here. Her partner is undermining her and along you come to do the same. Jog on.

The first year with kids
is like wet cement
you need to establish what you want him to do. What you need to do together. What takes priority etc etc
Because after that. What hasn't been addressed will now turn into concrete.

And those Patterns and bad behaviours are now part of the new family dynamic.

So step up and talk to the man.
Tell him what you need. What you expect.

@sunsunshineandtea no not the only thing but I am sure its probably having a massive impact on how OP is viewing her situation.

I noticed you said something like he 'enjoys' arguing, more than you do anyway. Don't discount the possibility that an ultimatum that worked for others here might not work for you because of this. He'd rather derail the discussion by splitting hairs about how long a nappy change takes than cut through the crap and move forward.

Some people like to defend their position to the death but are unable to be objective and see both sides. Often if they wrote a list of their priorities (like PPs DH that got an ultimatum), unfortunately top of that list would be 'to win' or 'to not lose'.

If he has a mindset, even one he's not consciously aware of, that you'll have 'won' if he steps up, then no matter what you do, he won't do it.

Psychology is a really strange, irrational thing at times, and it takes a lot of self awareness to rewire it. If he doesn't step up and you're left with the prospect of leaving or a life of misery after an ultimatum, please don't think he hasn't bothered because you're not good enough, not worthy enough etc. It's his failing if he isn't self aware enough and is just being driven by an overriding neurological instinct to 'win' to satisfy that part of his personality - even if it means he 'loses' overall and fucks up his life.

The question you are asking is, How can I change this man? What can I do that will trigger a positive, permanent change in his behaviour?

As you already know, you can't change him.

If you are unhappy and resentful as his unpaid nanny, maid and PA, then your only move is to quit the job. No fronting or faking, but honestly make a plan for your life without him, then implement that.

Maybe you leaving, or the prospect of it, will spark that behaviour change. Maybe it won't.

The only person you can change is you.

I had an affair. But big, not clever and I wouldn't recommend it. But yes after that he stepped up.

I told him that I wasn’t going to earn more than 50% of our household income while doing 90%+ of the housework and childcare. And that he could either do 50% of the housework and childcare, or alternatively, I’d quit my job and do 100% of the housework and childcare. I said I’d be delighted to spend more time with the children, go to the gym etc. But he’d need to get a second job or massively upskill to make up for the lost income, and I’d be expecting monthly payments into a private pension equal to the combined amount I was getting from my employer and my own contributions to make up for my lost pension contributions.

Based on this and your other updates I think you need 2 things: 1. Data. If he's an arguer you need to collect data to show you're doing more. This includes the mental load (another poster suggested a spreadsheet on this). 2. An independent outsider to support your perspective. I would also probably tell him that I was really starting to resent him, including the fact that he wasn't prioritising the baby, or listening / reflecting when explaining how I felt, and that it was having an impact on my feelings for him. He needs to understand the gravity of his attitude on your relationship. Tbh I might also wake him up every time the baby woke for a week or two so he can understand how tired you are. I really wish you luck. It's such a horrible position to be in with someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

Gosh you sound like a horror!

She sounds fair and rational to me!

@IAmTheWalrus85 that's the kind of language men understand.

I was a single parent had already had a useless chore/childcare shy DP in the past.

That meant that when I met my now DH and he was about to move in, I made my expectations of housework and begaviour toward my DC very clear and we divided chores before he moved in.

Before I got pregnant with our shared DC, I laid out my expectations for what I wanted our roles in parenting a newborn to look like. During my pregnancy I told him that I would never get over the resentment if he opted out of newborn care.

He stepped up each time, there wasn't really the option not to. We are very much equal in the house, his chore load is slightly higher than mine and my mental load is slightly higher than his. I'm fine with this. We are both equal parents to our DC.

No resentment, still very happy and loving in eachothers company after 13 years.

I know I come off harsh. I'm really not, my expectations were set because I had a terrible, useless ex and I didn't want another partner that was just going to be another child to look after.

We're 50/50 usually, but DH is sick. Hopefully not too much longer! Mystery illness but imo it is probably because he's been doing too much. I'm doing a lot more and have stepped up

So another vote for illness which is far from ideal

This is such a good point that we're the first generation to be doing this. My FIL is a lovely man but doesn't lift a finger at home so the example DH has had is of a father who sits in a chair and watches sport whilst his mum does everything. We have 2 sons and 1 daughter and making him understand that the example we set them will determine their own expectations of themselves and their future partners helped him to see this as something that's really important.

Hi OP, I've been in a similar-ish situation. But I still have weekends where I just feel like I'm going to lose my top over how much i'm carrying.
However what changed for us was the pandemic and having a second child, which happened simultaneously. Suddenly there was twice the work to do (or somehow even more) and also we were both home all the time so he saw all the tasks for the first time.
While I was pregnant and still working we split the day 6am-7pm half in half so I would work 6-12.30 and he would work from 12.30. He just had to get on with everything while I was out of action and vice versa. He couldn't come in and ask questions as I was busy/on Zoom etc.
The other thing that helped was us having a more balanced working life so we work similar hours and earn similar now. My work on some days involves me being out of the house 6am to 9pm so on those days he just has to do everything and it is always done.

Things that still bother me: it's always down to me to get the kids clothes washed and ready eg school uniform. I always crack first on the hoovering unless I ask him (which I hate doing). The bloody school admin/play dates etc is always me but that's partly down to character as he's a real introvert and hates school run chats etc. Also he's v unimaginative with what they eat on his dinner days.

So my message is weirdly I've found it all much more shared and fair since having a second DC. But that is of course a v high risk strategy if it went the other way.

Have you left him to fend for himself with your child for an extended period, long weekend or week? And not leaving anything prepared for him so he has to do the shopping cleaning etc? It was what worked here, my dh suddenly had a deep appreciation for how much extra I do. Your dh would realise when he can't find a clean coffee cup for his hot coffee and there's no coffee left because no one did a food shop and when there are no clean clothes and the bins need emptying etc. If he doesn't then he's probably just selfish.

My husband never stepped up so I got divorced.