To get annoyed when parents slag off PTAs

[KittyAlfred]

I see this so much on MN. Parents saying that the PTA is cliquey, that the Mums only join so they can suck up to the teachers and gain advantages for their kids. Many people on here seem to make a virtue of doing fuck all, just because they don’t like the PTA women.

Like many parents, when DS1 started at primary I didn’t really know anyone at school. It was an alien world to me. As a working single parent with a baby/toddler as well, I didn’t help the PTA at all for the first couple of years. Then I started to get involved on the periphery. Yes sure, lots of the mums knew each other well and socialised together, but that’s not to say they didn’t still need extra people to run stalls and sell raffle tickets etc. The first few times I felt a bit nervous and uncomfortable, but I got to know people, and by the time DS2 left primary I was running the PTA myself. I have no idea if people thought I was cliquey, but I really couldn’t help it if I’d known some of the mums for 10 years by then and was therefore friendly with them! We always needed help, and happily welcomed anyone who chose to muck in.

All you anti PTA snobs seem to have no idea how essential PTAs are, and how much hard work they do. I spent hours and hours and hours raising loads of money which went directly to stuff for the kids. School funding is so poor now that our PTA money subsidised all the trips, paid for books, classroom renovation, playground equipment, visiting activities, Christmas party/gifts - you name it, we paid for it.

And yes, I probably got to know the teachers slightly better, because if you’re running a school fair then inevitably you talk to the teachers. If you’re still cleaning up the village hall with the teachers an hour after the lazy mums have fucked off home , then you’ll talk to them!

If you’re too busy to help the PTA then fair enough. But don’t slag them off, because they work bloody hard and make your child’s school experience a lot better than it would otherwise be.

Ours are the same, the dad's are as bad... Can I add busybodies to the list.
Only out for their own little darlings. Pissed off if a child from a "lazy" (according to the op) family got chosen for anything.

But were you saying that you would stop all the other fundraising if enough people did it?

I would not do it if there was any incling that the sales, baking, summer fayre volunteering, mufti days and bloody year 2 leavers' hoodies would still be a thing and I would still be guilted into handing over money on the regular.

Good on you & your honesty
on here too behind joining the pta! Hope all worked out for your son in his new school @abstractplantpot & he's much happier X

The issue here may be that the school and pta do events independently of each other. The school do things like comic relief where a penny doesn't go to the school itself and will ask for things to be brought in for their bits and nothing to do with the pta

Oh, I understand now.

Actually, in our case, the people who claimed to want to just send us money, didn't mind being asked for money (apparently). What they didn't want was to feel obligated to help/volunteer as they were busy etc ie they'd say things like, "I can't help with the cake sale but if I could just press a button and donate £20, that would be great.". So we literally created a button of sorts and added it to requests along lines of "if you can't take part and still want to contribute in some way, you can donate here (with a link)" and still no one did it!

As another PP has pointed out, lots of parents say this but don't do it.

we had one very memorable event where we'd done research in advance, asked parents in person and via social media etc, and we had a majority saying they'd happily buy booze at a fundraising event as it would be more convenient AND would raise more money. There were enough parents who said they'd prefer to stick with their own that we decided to offer both options.... you guessed it, I think we sold about 10 beers and 2 bottles of wine! Again, we didn't care, except that we could literally see the specific parents who'd insisted they'd happily buy from us as they walked in with huge carrier bags of wine and Prosecco!

I’ve never been on the pta because I can’t carve out the time commitment but for 7 of the 10 years I’ve had primary school dc I’ve volunteered for individual events, baked cakes, etc.

But in the last few years the culture of the PTA has become more difficult, with a touch of the martyr’s clique about it. It’s been an unpleasant vibe to volunteer in, where it’s clear that the extra helpers were second tier. The current president was openly rude to me on two occasions. I’ve stepped back quietly from the drama.

This year a couple of long standing events were cancelled because they can’t get enough volunteers. I know a couple of other mums who, like me, used to step up, have also backed off. We haven’t directly discussed it, and neither of them are gossipy types do I’m only surmising that their reasons might be similar to mine. I wonder if the PTA think it’s because we’re all lazy mums or snobs.

@MsMarch yeah I was thinking along the lines of 'tick this box and pay £50 now, and you will never hear from us again...' type of thing. But if the other fundraising still continues then I obviously will still be nagged by my children to participate so it would be pointless.

I wanted to join the PTA but meetings were in school hours so not compatible with being a working parent. Total martyrdom from the SAHM PTA about not having enough members but couldn’t possibly move the meetings to evenings. I volunteered at lots of events but it was so unfriendly. No guidance on what they wanted me to do.

What if we are ideologically opposed to the concept of PTA? Why aren't schools funded properly? Why are women (it's mostly women) working for free? It shouldn't be this way.

How dare you call mums who don’t participate lazy.

I think there’s a recurring comprehension issue here.

No one is saying people who don’t participate are all lazy.

Some of us are saying if you don’t participate you don’t get to write off all people who are involved with PTAs as “bitchy” or “cliquey” or “bustling” or whatever unpleasant stereotype it was.

Be in the tent and then you can slag it off. You can’t sit on the sidelines are do it.

That’s a totally fair point and I have been on the receiving end of this as a working single mum without childcare.

But that’s not really being discussed here, which is the blanket writing off of PTA members as being self important types who are looking to further theirs and their families interests with silly status games.

Sorry to hear you were married to him, glad you're rid. What did he say when the topic of joining the PTA came up?

What are you doing against it?

Why do you think that PTA members aren't also trying to fight for decent funding? Why does it have to be one or the other? It's such a lazy option to be "ideologically opposed" to justify doing nothing. The short term is for our own kids currently at school.

School funding is a desperately urgent matter, but even if the government was suddenly fixing the issue, realistically most of our children wouldn't be in school by the time the money has come through and the school had a decent budget to play with.

@ReachForTheMars I was divorced by then and therefore am unsure if the school asked him or if he said no.

Why would you expect me to know that? We were divorced?

Well said. I had a similar battle about costly activities at my DCs primary - we can afford it but I’m one of several parents who speak up loudly and knock this on the head. It’s important that it’s not left to those who are struggling to have to raise concerns. I couldn’t care less if some kids want to come to school dressed up for WBD - other families cannot afford it and don’t have the resources to pull something together, as some people seem to assume they can, so it needs to stop. Kids from families who can afford this can put the bloody costume on after school.

notgojira
Of course the PTA will need people who can be around to run the events. It sounds like you did not have the time to do the events or attend the meetings. That's fine but hardly the fault of the PTA!

So true! Just another thing for us to add to the list and just make time for. And if we don't we are lazy apparently.

Transparency, or lack of: is not acceptable.
I guarantee you that specific fundraising goals make absolutely no difference, but the PTA should be 100% transparent.

No WBD costume: that's exactly what PTA are trying to avoid. No, it's not fair for everybody to miss out because of a few families who can't afford it, and that's why people work hard to make sure NO ONE misses out.
Nothing can be done about the competitive parents who won't consider anything but an expensive shop bought costume (as opposed to parents who couldn't care less but go for the easiest option).

@strawberriesandkreme im confident enough to be the person to stand up and say “hey not everyone can afford that” and I did it publicly and I got an absolute hounding by members of the PTA who were absolutely indignant that I’d dared suggest that thought and that if someone couldn’t afford to buy a costume or (and I quote) “couldn’t be bothered to make one” that was their fault and why should their little darling miss out because some parents don’t bother to make an effort.

my mental retort to that was a resounding FUCK OFF

The PTA. That I'm in are really conscious of inequalities like this - we're in a pretty diverse area when it comes to income.
School don't do dressing up for WBD, but do other activities.
We had a Halloween disco (3 actually across the different year groups) and there was no charge and no dress up requirement.
It's really important that people don't feel they are losing out because they can't afford things.

thebellagio

In most schools, it's the school who organises WBD - teachers dressing up as well, and whatever activities they do.
It's the PTA who is called to finance said activities and possibly costumes.

In these schools, remove the PTA and all the costs would go directly to the parents.

On a side note, you can buy a costume for a couple of quids on market place, or draw on a tshirt. I am aware that some families cannot even afford these £2, and I would rather whatever money is there go to sanitary products for their girls, but most families who could go into ridiculous competitive costume wars, then moan about the costs. When PTA have a costume bank, they try to get as many donations and second hands they can!

@strawberriesandkreme crikey I wish ours worked like that!

It is annoying , Christmas jumper day the jumpers about £15 I bought her aged 12 one at of 8 so hopefully a few more years. Wear green when your child hates green and you get a last minute notice.

Our school would NEVER let us get away with that, they'd just us down. We are politely asked to not allow anything that is hostile on our PSA page and we have to have post approval on. We weren't even allowed to let a parent write a post after their child came within a foot of being hit by a parent on their phone whist driving.

We also aren't allowed to exclude any child cost wise. We raise ticket prices generally by 50p for each ticket and this usually covers the cost of those who can't afford. We wouldn't be allowed to exclude a child like that if we wanted to run.

We do a Christmas santa event where every child in early years and KS1 visit santa and get a small present. We ask for a donation and generally find those who can give £20 and those who can't don't give anything but every child gets to meet santa regardless. In April we do a bunny run for KS1 which again, is donations based and every child joins in and gets their mask. For KS2 we do a disco and charge £4 for a ticket but would always cover children who can't.

We have a very strongly viewed head but he is also happy to support us in exchange, ie if there's an issue affording something he's happy to put on the newsletter to speak to the school and then we, as the PTA, don't know. We just settle with school after.

We aren't involved with WBD or any of the mufti days. We do do a summer fayre. I genuinely do it because I love seeing the kids have fun, purely because I know some of those kids are from families who don't have funds and/or time and they have so much fun. I'm quite happy if we break even on a event, anything extra is a bonus.

We also make it very clear exactly HOW much we raise and WHERE it goes. Anything that is donation based we ask that no names are put on the envelope to try and remove the pressure of feeling like we know and are judging.

Good PTAs definitely do exist, it's a shame not everywhere does have a pleasant one.

It's the same PTA who organises second-hand uniform shop and uniform donations, enough spare wellies and winter coats etc etc.

I do agree with the OP, if people are not interested, it's their business, but slagging off the ones who try to do something, it's uncalled for. I am not sure it's most people's life ambition to gather old uniforms, wash them, iron them ready to be given away or sold.