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Original poster

Sibs think we should sell to pay care home fees

731 replies

SeriouslyTryadifferentstory · 21/05/2023 23:15

Context: Victorian semi, converted into two one bed flats by myself and my parents in the '90s. I married and DH and I have continued to live in and own the ground floor flat, with extension and garden (and paid off the bloody mortgage!) , parents owned (paid for outright) and lived in the upper flat. Mum died a decade ago and Dad has recently moved into a care home so his flat has to be sold to pay the fees. DH is also battling a chronic illness.

My brothers (2 of them) think that we should "just sell the whole house and we'll find you "somewhere to live". My Sis is telling them to back off and I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

OP posts:
bewilderedhedgehog · 22/05/2023 11:37

Unless your brothers have any claim on your flat, which it sounds like they don't, I would stay put. Is this wrapped up in inheritance expectations at all??

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/05/2023 11:37

SeriouslyTryadifferentstory · 22/05/2023 11:31

Two different flats registered with the Land Registry. Dad's name is on the deeds for the top flat, mine and DHs on the deeds for the bottom flat. The whole family have always been aware of this. I'm not sure why people think we'd pay a mortgage on a property we would never own?

When my oldest brother called earlier for his daily "have you come to your senses yet?" chat I told him I have arranged for a couple of EAs to come and give us a price for Dad's flat only. He called me a selfish little bitch and hung up on me!

Ask him why he's not seeking his home to pay for the care.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 22/05/2023 11:38

I would no longer be speaking to my brother if he spoke to me like that especially in the circumstances you describe!

RavenclawDiadem · 22/05/2023 11:38

Also, OP says that the property was split "in the 90s" - so AT LEAST 23 years ago, possibly nearer 30. The two flats have been separate for a long, long time. Long enough for OP and her DH to buy one, take a mortgage on it, pay that mortgage off. All the time living down stairs from mum and dad, and probably doing the bulk of the running around after increasingly elderly and frail relatives.

And now the siblings want her to sell her house? Fuck that.

3luckystars · 22/05/2023 11:38

Thats gas. Why would you sell your home? Is he going to sell his home too? At least now you see who he really is!

isitshe · 22/05/2023 11:39

SeriouslyTryadifferentstory · 22/05/2023 11:31

Two different flats registered with the Land Registry. Dad's name is on the deeds for the top flat, mine and DHs on the deeds for the bottom flat. The whole family have always been aware of this. I'm not sure why people think we'd pay a mortgage on a property we would never own?

When my oldest brother called earlier for his daily "have you come to your senses yet?" chat I told him I have arranged for a couple of EAs to come and give us a price for Dad's flat only. He called me a selfish little bitch and hung up on me!

Fucking hell OP!
What a greedy and/or tightfisted bastard!
Either he's got £ signs in his eyes or he wants your Dad's and your flat to pay for ALL your Dad's care until he dies, without your 'D'B having to touch his own bank account. Are he & your other bro married? Do they both own their own homes?

blahblahblah1654 · 22/05/2023 11:39

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees yes I don't get this either. Once the money runs out LA would pay anyway (even if he is moved into another cheaper care home). Maybe they are hoping for a bigger pay out/inheritance if they don't use all the proceeds. Op your home is yours, tell them to F off!

tonyatotter · 22/05/2023 11:39

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 22/05/2023 11:36

When my oldest brother called earlier for his daily "have you come to your senses yet?" chat I told him I have arranged for a couple of EAs to come and give us a price for Dad's flat only. He called me a selfish little bitch and hung up on me!

This makes zero sense to me. If the money is going to pay for a care home, why does it matter if there is a bit less money for it? I don't know WTF your brother is up to but calling you a selfish bitch would tell me he was up to something (assuming he hasn't always been such a twat to you).

Brother sounds a right arse.

The dads flat will cover this care costs, as its a separate entity it can be on a DPA or just sold.

When the cash runs out (if it does) the LA will take over paying the fees untill he dies.

Can't see how it effects the brother one way or another to be honest.

InSpainTheRain · 22/05/2023 11:40

Wow! your brother sounds awful! If you've legally separated the flat, you own (and had a mortgage) on yours then of course you'd only sell your parents' property. The fact that your flat is next to your parents flat is completely irrelevant for the purposes of a discussion on what is sold to pay the care home fees.

Just to say sorry you are going through this. I have just been through the same myself (although I don't have siblings so easier in some senses) and it's a horrible time. Best wishes to your DH too for recovery.

Biscuitandacuppa · 22/05/2023 11:40

If it was mum and dads home that has been split and the OP says she paid market price for the flat then I assume that mum and dad were well compensated at the time of the purchase.

@SeriouslyTryadifferentstory To be expected now to sell your home to pay for care fees sounds ludicrous. Are the family having to pay a top up at the care home? Is this why your brothers want you to sell to reduce any financial impact on them?

Raindancer411 · 22/05/2023 11:40

@SeriouslyTryadifferentstory I take it they you brought that off of your parents at the time, if you had a mortgage on it? If so, then your brothers are just being greedy.

rwalker · 22/05/2023 11:41

tonyatotter · 22/05/2023 11:36

OP has confirmed, its legally hers with no other involvement.

Show quote history

Yeah but did she buy it off her parents or did they just give it to her

Was it a case of she got 1/2 the house ( the flat ) and siblings got nothing

tonyatotter · 22/05/2023 11:42

isitshe · 22/05/2023 11:39

Fucking hell OP!
What a greedy and/or tightfisted bastard!
Either he's got £ signs in his eyes or he wants your Dad's and your flat to pay for ALL your Dad's care until he dies, without your 'D'B having to touch his own bank account. Are he & your other bro married? Do they both own their own homes?

Show quote history

The OPs brother won't have to pay anyway, you don't have to pay for someone elses care, when their funds dry up its down to the LA to pay.

So I'm not quite sure whats in it for the brother?

MiniCooperLover · 22/05/2023 11:42

OP, what is your brothers reasoning for expecting you to sell a home that you own yourself and has nothing to do with your dad's care costs now? Are they confused about the ownership, why do they seem to think they can bully you into selling?

JenniferBarkley · 22/05/2023 11:42

He called me a selfish little bitch and hung up on me!

Well remembering that will help if you find yourself wavering!

RavenclawDiadem · 22/05/2023 11:42

Yeah but did she buy it off her parents or did they just give it to her

Why would she have been paying a mortgage if it was just given to her?

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/05/2023 11:43

SeriouslyTryadifferentstory · 22/05/2023 11:31

Two different flats registered with the Land Registry. Dad's name is on the deeds for the top flat, mine and DHs on the deeds for the bottom flat. The whole family have always been aware of this. I'm not sure why people think we'd pay a mortgage on a property we would never own?

When my oldest brother called earlier for his daily "have you come to your senses yet?" chat I told him I have arranged for a couple of EAs to come and give us a price for Dad's flat only. He called me a selfish little bitch and hung up on me!

Good for you!

Don't let them browbeat you out of your own home.

HoppingPavlova · 22/05/2023 11:43

Tell your brothers to do one. Or, maybe they would like to sell their house as why should you sell yours and they keep theirs? Bizarre.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/05/2023 11:44

RavenclawDiadem · 22/05/2023 11:42

Yeah but did she buy it off her parents or did they just give it to her

Why would she have been paying a mortgage if it was just given to her?

Even if they "gave" it to her, it would be her property, surely?

Atishoos · 22/05/2023 11:44

There seems to be something missing from the issue, just my feeling as the brothers approach doesn't seem to be right or fair at all.

I understand that the property is legally divided and separated into two units. Is there a possibility that you were able to acquire your unit at a knock down price because your parents once owned the entire property? Would that be why the brothers are angry?

I don't understand it anyway, maybe someone else does....

RavenclawDiadem · 22/05/2023 11:45

Of course even if it was given to her - and there's nothing in the OP's posts to suggest it was - it is still legally hers. And OP also doesn't make any mention of the siblings having any issue with her living in the flat downstairs from her parents for the last TWENTY FIVE YEARS.

BonnieBobbin · 22/05/2023 11:45

This doesn't make any sense. Do your brothers think that your parents paid for the division into two flats and that you then paid below the market rate for your flat? I can't see any other reason why they'd even consider that your parents have money tied up in your property. What does your Dad say about all this?

tonyatotter · 22/05/2023 11:45

rwalker · 22/05/2023 11:41

Yeah but did she buy it off her parents or did they just give it to her

Was it a case of she got 1/2 the house ( the flat ) and siblings got nothing

Show quote history

So long as it wasn't done to deprive the parents of assets (which is difficult to prove if a while ago) then it would just be a family drama - but she says she took a mortgage out.

Presumably she and her DH have been caring for DF and DM (before she passed)

The siblings have done nothing except visiting now and again and now feel entitled to something. A tale heard many a time.

But the law is firmly on the OPs side, she owns it, she had a mortgage on it that she paid down - literally iron clad.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/05/2023 11:46

tonyatotter · 22/05/2023 11:42

The OPs brother won't have to pay anyway, you don't have to pay for someone elses care, when their funds dry up its down to the LA to pay.

So I'm not quite sure whats in it for the brother?

Show quote history

Perhaps the DF isn't expected to live long (sorry OP - I don't mean to upset you) and he thinks it will be easier to access the cash in the bank rather than dispose of the flat after his decease?

Or maybe he is hoping to get power of attorney, or he is an executor?

midgemadgemodge · 22/05/2023 11:46

Does it really matter if op was given something her brother wasn't ?

If it had been cash to buy a different home? Or a car? Or a holiday ?