Aibu to hope my invisible primary child gets some recognition in secondary school

Summergirl55 · 2023-05-21T21:50:32+00:00

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls... There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2023 22:54

How big is the school? If there’s enough kids in it to have more than 1 ‘set’ then surely it can’t be just their same two girls all the time?
Does your ‘very quiet little bookworm’ child actually want to be given speaking roles or jobs that put them in the spotlight?

Tigofigo · 21/05/2023 22:56

So being top set and flying academically means she's better and should be chosen?

Maybe you need to check your own opinions before criticising others' choices.

Original poster

Summergirl55 · 21/05/2023 22:57

There's 3 class groups in each year & yes she routinely volunteers to do jobs & auditions for parts . Sadly it's the same two girls always. No exaggeration. This year has been the worst though.

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Passmethecrisps · 21/05/2023 22:59

I suppose this depends a lot on context. My DD gets lots of attention and is chosen for all the things all the time. This is because she finds the classrooms a very challenging environment and needs constant boosts. They don’t know I know this - but I know this is why it happens.

every child should feel valued and known so you aren’t wrong to want this at all. But some greater context of why this occasionally happens may help

Original poster

Summergirl55 · 21/05/2023 22:59

Tigofigo · 21/05/2023 22:56

So being top set and flying academically means she's better and should be chosen?

Maybe you need to check your own opinions before criticising others' choices.

No not at all. She is perfectly capable of dropping a note to the secetary, running errands to the neighbouring classrooms, speaking a few lines in a play... The other two girls are also top set.

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WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 21/05/2023 22:59

Yeah but it's often because those are the children that need it most.
Presumably your DD is from a stable and loving home, where you celebrate her and make her feel special.
I've worked with many schools and I find that often the ones who get given those special roles are those who need the external praise from somewhere. You may or may not understand why. I get that it's hard for those like your DD who may feel they are doing everything 'right' if you get me but some children just need a bit more.

Soontobe60 · 21/05/2023 23:04

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 21/05/2023 22:59

Yeah but it's often because those are the children that need it most.
Presumably your DD is from a stable and loving home, where you celebrate her and make her feel special.
I've worked with many schools and I find that often the ones who get given those special roles are those who need the external praise from somewhere. You may or may not understand why. I get that it's hard for those like your DD who may feel they are doing everything 'right' if you get me but some children just need a bit more.

You’ve hit the nail on the head! I send the same child out to do ‘jobs’ for 2 reasons. Firstly, he needs regular breaks away from the classroom in order to help keep himself calm - he just can’t cope with the hustle and bustle of a busy classroom for hours on end. Secondly, he’s a LAC, lives in a care home, doesn’t see his alcoholic mum anymore and has absolutely no self esteem. Fortunately, the other kids can see he struggles and are very supportive of him.

Original poster

Summergirl55 · 22/05/2023 00:19

I know the other two children, they live fairly local to me. Both sets of parents on pta & both from prominent families.. Possible coincidence. Both children are lovely, friends with my dd but are much more assertive than her (in a nice way)
Hope secondary will give dd mors opportunities..

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Climbles · 22/05/2023 00:35

IME no. My quiet little bookworm was ignored in primary and now in secondary it’s just the same. They even get her name wrong.

SkankingWombat · 22/05/2023 02:03

Soontobe60 · 21/05/2023 23:04

You’ve hit the nail on the head! I send the same child out to do ‘jobs’ for 2 reasons. Firstly, he needs regular breaks away from the classroom in order to help keep himself calm - he just can’t cope with the hustle and bustle of a busy classroom for hours on end. Secondly, he’s a LAC, lives in a care home, doesn’t see his alcoholic mum anymore and has absolutely no self esteem. Fortunately, the other kids can see he struggles and are very supportive of him.

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Yup! My DD is often the child picked to take notes around the school. She has ADHD, and this is a discrete way to give her the movement breaks she needs.

Murdoch1949 · 22/05/2023 02:05

At secondary school she will have maybe 10 teachers, all with jobs that need doing. Your daughter will have favourite subjects that will maybe help her bond with particular teachers. There will also probably be a librarian looking for help. If your daughter is regularly taking books out from the library, she'll get known there, and can ask to help.

blahblahblah1654 · 22/05/2023 02:16

I was always one of the top of my class but not that noticed as I was quiet. Does your daughter seem bothered? If not don't worry. I'd hate to be picked to do mundane tasks like that even as a child.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/05/2023 04:27

When my son was about to graduate from secondary school I commented casually that 'the people at school will miss him after twelve years' and he replied "No, they won't. Nobody notices me there. I'm not an athlete or a winner." Naturally as a mother I started to disagree -- he was reliable, he was friendly to everyone, his grades were good, etc. but he shut me down with
"It doesn't matter to me. I won't see most of then again after graduation and I got the same education the others got whether the teachers noticed me or not. I will do something good with that!"

SittingNextToIt · 22/05/2023 05:05

What is a “prominent family”? It sounds like the Montagues and Capulets, or the Bridgerton family!

PuttingDownRoots · 22/05/2023 05:24

Mine has come into her own at Secondary school. They have a points scheme where good behaviour (homework complete on time, answering questions, getting on with work quietly, punctuality etc) gets the positive points, bad behaviour (lateness, rudeness, not completing work etc) gets negative points. A good ratio means prizes for the form group and individually and the prizes are stuff they want like a pas to the front of the lunch queue. The quiet sloggers are appreciated.

Theres a massive range of clubs as well so keeness is noticed by departments.

Emilia35 · 22/05/2023 05:33

If it's always the same 2 girls then all the other children are just as "invisible" as your DD though? And what is a prominent family?!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 22/05/2023 06:01

Are you the same mum who was emailing her catholic school the other day about something?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 22/05/2023 06:02

It was the use of ‘PTA kids’ and ‘prominent families’ that is the same as the other thread.

Saniflo · 22/05/2023 06:06

So out of 90 children in the year, only 2 girls are always selected for everything. So your daughter is one of the other 88 invisible children?

Museya15 · 22/05/2023 06:21

It's the kids who have autism that get to do those little jobs in my daughter's school. There is also massive favouritism in her school amongst teachers whose children attend the school and also the board of governors children/grandchildren. They Make no bones of it and it is done very blatantly. I just focus on my child and getting her through.

BeethovenNinth · 22/05/2023 06:24

It’s definitely a “thing”. The quiet kids who just get on with it are ignored. I helped on a school trip recently and was gobsmacked by how little the teachers in charge didn’t try to engage with the quiet kids - they would just ask the “me me” kids. I gently suggested that wee Mary take a turn and of course she did. I wonder if teachers are just too shattered to notice now.

Snoopystick · 22/05/2023 06:32

My DC’s school had obvious favourites who were all the children of mums who were friendly with the deputy head, the head who was an older man seemed oblivious to it. Urgh glad mine are at secondary now.

Fandabedodgy · 22/05/2023 06:34

The pta thing is in your imagination. Teachers won't give a monkeys about that. But if you are convinced it's that then join the ota.

Original poster

Summergirl55 · 22/05/2023 06:38

blahblahblah1654 · 22/05/2023 02:16

I was always one of the top of my class but not that noticed as I was quiet. Does your daughter seem bothered? If not don't worry. I'd hate to be picked to do mundane tasks like that even as a child.

Yes she is bothered. The end of year concert is coming up, both girls chosen to sing solos again & recite poems. Most day she has comes home & groans "x got on the green committee".. "y showed important visitor around" "teacher chose the two girls to go to the principal office with permission slips".. She feels inadequate.

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Srin · 22/05/2023 06:38

I think you need to readjust your expectations. The stuff you read about class sizes, behaviour problems and understaffing in schools is not made up. She will be even more invisible in secondary, but hopefully she will leave school with good grades and good friends.

Some of her secondary school teachers won’t even know her name as they will be teaching too many pupils to remember them all. On the up side, as she becomes a teenager she really won’t care about not being picked to do jobs for the teacher. I also doubt many of the teachers will have a clue who the PTA parents are, so you won’t have to worry about that.