Aibu to hope my invisible primary child gets some recognition in secondary school

[Summergirl55]

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls...
There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

People will often deny this stuff happens, but it does. In my DDs first school she was her teachers favourite. She was picked for everything, at the end of the day I got a run down of all the funny things she did while the other parents were lucky to be told if their child was ok. I wasn't on the PTA and am from a very normal family though. By the end of her second year with this teacher it was awkward. Some parents actively excluded me, eyes would role when it was found out DD was cast as the lead role or whatever.

It was a really hard adjustment after we moved house and she was just another student in the class too. Her self esteem really suffered and she had to rediscover her own identity. I'd rather that happen now than when she reaches the real world though! Your DD will learn to work hard without external validation, which long term is a much better trait for life.

I don't understand though. If the PTA is quite large, and it is only children from these two families who ever get chosen for anything, why do you think it has anything to do with their parents being on the PTA? Presumably there are other parents on the PTA whose children don't get chosen?

If you really, genuinely believe that PTA kids get prioritised for everything, then surely you would persist through the cliquiness and get involved for the sake of your child. Why haven't you done this? Is it perhaps because, deep down, you realise that being on the PTA doesn't actually make a difference after all?

If your child is feeling that she is invisible/not getting opportunities to take on responsibility etc, then I think it's absolutely fine to have a word with the teacher about it and ask if they can do something to make her feel "seen". What is not fine in my view is to engage in jealous gossip with the other parents about the parents of kids who do seem to get picked, speculating about why that might be.

And I don't even know who is on the PTA.

Secondary is different as it is bigger and the ones who get attention are the ones who misbehave etc. As others have said, she'll be one of a hundred or more other girls, they don't really get individual attention in the same way as primary. I got the (joint) highest GCSE grades in my year and my head of year spoke to me for the first time ever on my way out from collecting my results!

She will be more invisible in secondary but she will have more opportunity to make herself visible by competing and winning. I think in secondary visibility is often more about ability than in primary.

In secondary there’s so many children that unless she is a winner, a sports person, known to the school (via parent/sibling etc) or has very distinct looks then she probably isn’t likely to be visible.

I have one who has very distinctive looks, one who was very sporty, one who was very academic (competed at debates etc) and one who’s secondary I was on the governors, the others didn’t perform or aspire to be in the spotlight. At secondary these others barely had their names remembered and I wasn’t always convinced that reports were even about them 🤦‍♀️

DD was also quiet at primary and earlier on went a little unnoticed. It was a small school so she did come out of her shell and there wasn't the favoritism to others that you have described, star if the week went to every child twice a year etc.

However, on starting secondary she has really flown. Behaviour and merit points are far more 'personality-agnostic' than I think they were at primary, and as a previous poster explained, the 'quiet sloggers' really do get recognised for the effort they put in and for what they achieve. There are also so many things to get involved in, be it clubs, sports, etc. And none of the kids are known at the start of Y7, so any choosing of parts or team places is purely on merit.

DD was very happy at primary and I don't think she felt overlooked in the way you are describing OP, but I do think the way her attitude and aptitude is recognised at secondary is really doing wonders for her self esteem and motivation.

I think you should focus on getting your DD to stop being so bothered what the other two girls are doing. Help her understand jealousy and resentment are negative emotions that will only negatively impact her mental health. And maybe it’s time for you to step up and speak to the school too, let them know that the lack of opportunities is demoralising your child and see if there’s anything they can do to help. There are ways around this that don’t involve you and your DD moaning.

My primary school as a child was like this. Children of the PTA always won competitions, always had lead roles etc. At secondary I think this does change. Its there for the taking so is very much about putting yourself out there.

It will be completely different at secondary OP. Eg if your DD wants a part in the play she'll have to attend an audition. Not just teachers picking favourites any more.

It's quite worrying that dd comes home and is upset about what these two have been up to and repeats it to you. It sounds a bit obsessive to me. Is it just the same two ALL the time and 28 other children being 'ignored'? I would say unlikely. I'm wondering if she is just picking up when they're chosen and not for the myriad of other jobs on hand and in doing so is upsetting herself. Also showing visitors around the school is usually given to more confident children who staff know can answer questions and show initiative with people they've never met. If you feel she needs to be more visible then build her confidence at outside activities eg a drama group away from these two girls. Hope it is more to her liking in secondary school.

My son does this too. He's waiting for ASD assessment and needs sensory breaks. Being given a 'job' really seems to calm him down.

I think your daughter will adjust well to secondary as she isnt used to being a big fish in a small pond.

i dont think she will get noticed or more attention as secondary school isnt really like that.

I think we should have slightly higher expectations of our education system than for children to ‘survive’ it.

That's all we've been doing for years though, I know I did 40+ years ago.

Keep your head down and get through it.

Have you asked the teacher or just seethed about it?
When dd1 had invisibility syndrome in yr5 I just mentioned it to her teacher casually framed around confidence coz she was complaining she must be useless coz x or y always got chosen etc. She got the weekly certificate the following week - which although most likely influenced by my conversation helped her to feel recognised so had desired effect.

I genuinely don't think in our case it was deliberate - I think teachers are just so busy at times it's habit that they default to "easy option" - reliable, proven, no fuss. I'm sure we've all sat through cringey assemblies/shows where somebody has been too shy/nervous/quiet/has forgotten all their lines/refused to go on stage.

Active member of the PTA here in a small school. Makes sod all difference.

Primary school is not a meritocracy. It's just the way that it is. At our school it's about whether your parents went to that school, live in the village and are chummy with the staff as to "favoured jobs" and awards are given to those kids who need the motivational boost / encouragement.

Both kids are academic / top of the class. Our schools do badges and certificates. It took my eldest DD, only free reader in the class at the time, 3 years to get a reading award. She has maybe one badge a year - they give two out a week. She's engaged in school life - school council, orchestra, choir, chess club, netball team.

It bothers her. And she makes comments like "well it's not my fault I don't need to try hard" and "I know X or Y needs the encouragement" with a weary sigh. So they get it. And are exasperated by it.

What's frustrating is that sports at our school ARE based on ability. So you could win 50 awards for sports prowess and be in the newsletter every week. But you wouldn't get the same if you shine academically.

Personally I couldn't care less. It WILL come good and it's about keeping the kids engaged and challenged until then. I also don't care if they don't get a reading certificate out of a class of 20. What matters is how they'll compare in a global setting of 10 million kids.

It's all resilience. The kids will take their cues from you. So if you don't show you are bothered, neither will they.

It was the same for my eldest at primary, he was quiet, studious and well behaved and always just flew under the radar. It’s been better at high school as his academic success has continued and he’s had academic awards every year x

Dd1 was like this. Once she finished her SATs and still didn’t get a certificate (despite great marks including 100% in one test) she got it - she realised nothing she did would get her a certificate at that school but Jake won the award of the year because he’d thrown less chairs that year. Being the parent of the consistently well behaved, quiet dc is infuriating.

her secondary is amazing though. Different opportunities to earn certificates and lots of praise and recognition.

my younger dc got lots of certificates - they’re much louder so the teacher can’t forget them!

@WhatWhereWhenHowWhy absolutely! I had to explain this to one of mine. Hardly ever chosen for awards/acknowledged etc etc but then she alwas knew she was my star of the week, got the praise and recognition at home so didn't need to seek or rely upon external recognition for validation.
It is hard when the naughty ones seem to get all the praise and I can see why it could be detrimental eg "why should I try so hard when Sam still got to do x,y or z when he threw a chair on Monday?"
It's hard but just explain to your child that some kids need this, unfair though it seems.
As for the PTA thing......🙄don't get me started. Have you watched Bad Moms? That's basically how I feel about the PTA busybodies - only in it for the gossip and to suck up to the teachers for their own kids' benefit.

In my experience you’re wrong about the PTA though. I found it the other way round. (I was on the PTA).

PTA kids never got picked presumably to avoid the accusations from non PTA parents that our kids only got picked because they were on the PTA.

picking the same 2 girls as class messenger the whole year is shite though. There are always excuses made about why it might be but there’s no reason that job can’t be shared out. Of course there will be kids who need extra encouragement but equally there are always teachers who have their favourites. It has always been the same even since my own school days and I’m nearly 50.

No throughout the school it is pta kids chosen, not just in my dc's class.. Other parents & family members have observed the same. Also these two girls siblings in other years are also part of the front & centre soloing brigade.

I forgot to add that at secondary school my children have had much better recognition as they're are many different awards eg sports, 100%attendance, helping others, DofE, music, volunteering, homework etc etc so it means all kids can shine at something and be recognised for it.

If its the same two girls for everything.

Then there are 27 children being excluded.

Surely, if this is the case, then other parents must have noticed and commented.

Well done on the lazy PTA stereotypes. Our main goal as a PTA was to fundraise to give the kids a great send off and dance at the end of primary. Including in years when none of us had kids in that year! Certainly weren’t privy to any “gossip” either.

It’s hard when quiet kids get overlooked, but OP why haven’t you said anything if it’s been going on for years?

And I get so sick of parents slagging off the PTA. You went twice to the PTA, didn’t make instant friends, and decided it wasn’t for you. You decided to sit back and let other people do all the work and fundraising, that your daughter no doubt benefitted from.

You’ve been fairly passive throughout, so you can’t really complain.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves maybe the OP works and couldn't get involved in the PTA even if she wanted to! It attracts a certain demographic and not everyone has the time to commit and anyone else is generally put off by the cliquey-ness!