Aibu to hope my invisible primary child gets some recognition in secondary school

[Summergirl55]

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls...
There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

In the large scale of things, so what! She gets no extr brownie points for it, these are your expectations and it's damaging to the child.

@EllandRd my expectations?!! Every child should expect to be visible in school, good behaviour & diligence should not be overlooked. She volunteers & auditions so yes she should expect to be considered at least once... This should be every childs & parents expectation. Why is the bar set so low

My DD is the same and very much a grey child. Im finding now because she isn't into football nothing she does 'counts'. Even reading awards are routinely given to the same handful of dc who only talk about football, only read books about football... when my quiet DD tried to share about a book she'd loved at show and tell she was ignored and talked over and came home really upset.

She's genuinely bright but it's a small school with one class per year so when the work is too easy or she finished quickly she's told to go and read. I'm not saying she should have special treatment or anything but a small amount of encourage or praise would be huge for her.

I'm hoping for her that at secondary she'll be seen for her ability and encouraged not just shoved in a corner with a book because she finishes the work quickly.

@RagingWoke it's so disheartening for them isn't it.. Especially when they are perfectly capable & want more responsibility.

You don't really see what is actually going on though do you? It is all with your dad's slant on it

I think the problem there is the teachers. not the PTA parents who are giving up their time and volunteering - do you ever volunteer?

I work full time, but I have taken half days to help in school trips. I can't join committees and the PTA due to the work, but I volunteer for every school fete and am on the stalls selling tickets, selling hot dogs and so on.

But what are the teachers doing? If you are in y6 it's probably a bit late, but talk to them.

Mine got sent to help sort uniforms for a sports team as a way to miss choir as she absolutely hated it to the point of being disruptive

My school splits the main roles on the school play to give more people a chance (think two Elsas, two Miss Annas, two Sven (or is Sven the reineer) as a random example - not real play)

They have even made up roles with one line (like 'you're welcome) for the quietest kids who didn't want to speak much...

So I think if you feel things are that bad talk to the teachers, don't blame the parents who give up their time

Hmmm we have a child in my daughter's class who is always chosen. He also has adhd and this is incorporated so he has a movement break. It means he is settled and able to manage the next part of the class. In all honesty I don't think it's worth getting hung up about. Is your child bothered or is it just you? My son would have be mortified if he was asked as he was also quiet and this would single him out. He'd hate it.

@Lifeisgood1 it's likely my dd has adhd and/or ASD, but I can't get her assessed because she masks so well at school. So what we have is meltdowns, burnout and overwhelm at home but no one takes it seriously because she isn't disruptive in class... almost an exact copy of my owl experience and it's taken well into my 30s to be taken seriously.

I appreciate a child with higher needs will need those measures, but it's frustrating that it's at the expense of others who are routinely denied what they need. Not necessarily a criticism of teachers, and 100% a criticism of the underfunding of every service, department and school.

Some teachers have favourites. Not all but most manage to conceal their preferences (they of course will like some kids more than others, that’s human nature).

But unfortunately, it is something that your child and you have to accept. When my daughter told me stories in secondary school, it did make me feel defensive and seethe inside. However, my daughter would have killed me if I had raised anything so we did nothing. She is more sensitive than my son. She is just made that way. He brushed it off.

anyway, they have left school now. By the end of sixth form you realise that none of this matters. Ultimately, it is the grades you get at A-level or similar qualifications that determine your future. And the certificates and minor awards and recognition along the way, have little objective impact. The impact is on self esteem however.

All we can do as parents is try and maintain our kids’ self-esteem and try and teach resilience another way. It can be difficult as school is a massive part of their day-to-day lives.

Most of the eight senior prefects at my DS high school were the children of teachers and the SLT. Not for the first time.

DD was quiet and clever - and that made her completely invisible. She never got a single mention, award, housepoint, certificate. Not even when she topped the school with both her SATs and GCSEs.

When ds1 and ds2 were at primary school I was working full time, dh and I worked shifts around each other to avoid paying for childcare and although I managed an odd school trip or open afternoon I wasn’t able to volunteer for much. It was always the same children picked for main parts, to represent the school at things, to do all the showing round and presentations, awards, prizes and it was always the children of the parents on the PTA/prominent families. I had actually come to the conclusion that it was because these parents were outgoing and confident that they volunteered for these duties and that their children were also ultra confident and outgoing, so were always the ones picked.

Fast forward nine years and ds3 started the same school. I was working very part time and was able to join the PTA and volunteer to help in the school and now I my ds was the one picked for all the main parts, awards etc. He was no more confident or outgoing than his brothers but has definitely become more so with the responsibilities he has been given. I was also able to correctly predict most of the house captains and vice captains. Ds1 & ds2 we’re not chosen as house captain, ds3 was.

It happens.

Have you tried confronting the teacher about giving all the children a go rather than "the same two girls".

Having said that I was one of the kids that was always given jobs, I suspect it was because I was one of the only kids that would actually make eye contact with and speak to adults.

Your very quiet bookworm should definitely be given the chance to take permission slips to the office and other jobs - it's very unfair that she hasn't been. But you can understand why they'll want (ideally a range of) kids who can speak confidently to do tours of the school etc. Same possibly with auditions etc - do you think they worry she'll be too shy to go on?

What exactly are "prominent families"? (genuine q)

I know the feeling.

My eldest is very clever and quiet. Always just behaved herself and got on with her work. Never misbehaved. Parents evening often felt like the teachers had never really given her much thought, because I guess they didn't have to. I'm not saying it is their fault. Obviously in a large class there is only so much they can do and some kids just require more input.

She has been at secondary school for nearly a year and the difference is startling. She is suddenly getting recognition for being clever, for working hard. The teachers seem to know her and value her. It is lovely to hear for me (obviously) but it is also spurring her on to try even harder and has boosted her confidence no end.

I've always thought it is just luck she is so clever so it's a hard thing to praise. It's like praising her for being born with brown hair or something equally random. I've always tried to instill in her that being bright is only good for so much, being a hard worker and kind will get her much further in life. So I do I underatand teachers just kind of ignoring it when they are so young.

At our school parents consultant physicians, consultant surgeons, lawyers, GP’s, secondary school head etc.

One of DD’s friends has a parent who works in the school office and she always gets the staring roles in the school plays ect. They went to London in September for their year 6 trip and this girls Mum went and she had her daughter and mine with a couple of other friends in her group. DD was complaining that she kept buying her daughter souvenirs that none of the others could get as they weren’t allowed to take any money. She also posted photos of them on her personal Facebook page while there. Bit naughty.

I keep saying to DD when she says it’s unfair that it will be more of a level field at high school.

A member of school staff went on a trip and posted pictures of other people’s children on the trip on FB?!

That’s not “a bit naughty”. I hope you reported that to the HT, I’m a school governor and I’d regard that as misconduct and a safeguarding risk.

It was of her DD, my DD and one other friend. They are friends in real life and on Facebook with the parents too. Still wrong though and I really don’t think this particular member of staff shouldn’t have been allowed to go on the same trip as her child.

If it was recent I’d be very strongly encouraging you to take that to the HT. No-one one should be taking photos of kids using personal devices on school trips, much less uploading such photos to social media. It doesn’t matter if she’s friends with the parents in real life. It’s very basic stuff I’d expect an ordinary parent helper to be told and fully understand much less a school employee. I can think of at least three different school policies she’d have broken with that at my school. The idea someone with that sort of lack of judgement and inability to follow basic rules has access to pupil records, parent contact details etc is extremely concerning.

Secondary school is a totally different kettle of fish. There's no kudos in being asked to do jobs for the teachers. Play participation is by audition usually. The PTA is much less active (if indeed there is one at all). The teachers don't really know the parents very well. It's a good opportunity for your DD to get involved in things because it's a bigger pool of kids and they don't know her history, but at the same time, if she is shy and waiting for people to ask her, she won't be noticed.

It was too long ago now. I should have said something at the time, they did put the same photos on the school’s twitter page, I think if that wasn’t the case I would have reported it.