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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to hope my invisible primary child gets some recognition in secondary school

122 replies

Summergirl55 · 21/05/2023 22:50

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls...
There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 22/05/2023 06:42

Well, that's life. She'll survive.

romdowa · 22/05/2023 06:43

Yes unfortunately she will be even more invisible. I went to a very similar primary and every time the kids who's parents owened businesses or who were on the pta got chosen. The kids who where struggling mainly got ignored and it was the same in secondary. My advice Is to get her involved in something outside school where she can shine and get that recognition.

My primary was so small that 2 school years where in the one classroom. So it definitely wasn't the fact that the teachers where overwhelmed. They just sucked up to the important parents who had the cash and the power.

tackling · 22/05/2023 06:48

YouJustDoYou · 22/05/2023 06:42

Well, that's life. She'll survive.

I agree with this, however unfair it might feel, this a great time to try and teach her some assertiveness skills like directly asking the teacher if she can do more, putting her hand up more often, saying "I'd like to do that".

Coming from a fellow former quiet bookworm, I can honestly say that practicing that skill early on will help her for life.

HollyGolightly4 · 22/05/2023 06:51

Do you lead by example? Have you joined the PTA? You say yourself the other girls are more assertive than your daughter - perhaps the teacher is more confident they will shine a positive light on the class. Encourage your daughter to join in at secondary, if the school is decent, it should recognise what she does. As pp have said, there will be lots of different classes thus lots of opportunities to shine.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 22/05/2023 06:53

My experience of schools is that quiet, well-behaved children who don’t cause any problems always get overlooked, which can cause problems with confidence down the line.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 22/05/2023 06:54

YouJustDoYou · 22/05/2023 06:42

Well, that's life. She'll survive.

I think we should have slightly higher expectations of our education system than for children to ‘survive’ it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/05/2023 06:56

Are there only two parents on the PTA?

If it's only these two children who get chosen for everything, and it's because their parents are on the PTA, I'm rather surprised that others don't join in order to ensure that their own children get some opportunities. Perhaps you should sign up, OP?

Is this a private school? I have never heard of state primary schools having a "top set". Many have ability tables for different subjects, but formal setting would be quite unusual in my experience.

ScoobyG · 22/05/2023 06:56

Email the headteacher outlining your concerns. I worked at a school which did 3 class assemblies a year, Xmas and summer productions. I noticed this about a pair of twins, I used to cringe when they stood up to lead as it was all about them... again. A parent then emailed in saying they were disheartened, their child was demotivated and all children should be picked fairly. Whether they had the loudest voice or not, how will they ever practise if never given the chance? The school immediately took note and thankfully became more aware of not sidelining certain children.

Paq · 22/05/2023 06:59

What's the secondary school like? My DD was similar and would have gone completely unnoticed in our local school. I sent her to private.

Jifmicroliquid · 22/05/2023 07:00

Unfortunately, that’s life. You have to learn to develop a voice and speak up, or you’ll be overlooked. It’s the same throughout school, college, uni, work.
Im not saying this is right, simply saying it’s how it is.

Original poster
Summergirl55 · 22/05/2023 07:06

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/05/2023 06:56

Are there only two parents on the PTA?

If it's only these two children who get chosen for everything, and it's because their parents are on the PTA, I'm rather surprised that others don't join in order to ensure that their own children get some opportunities. Perhaps you should sign up, OP?

Is this a private school? I have never heard of state primary schools having a "top set". Many have ability tables for different subjects, but formal setting would be quite unusual in my experience.

No the PTA is quite large but extremely cliquey. They do amazing work for the school & are raising serious money. I went to a couple of meetings when when dc was in reception but didn't feel remotely welcome, went back a fortnight later & it was a similar experience. One of the mums of said girls is in school all the time in pta business (& according to another parent is on first name terms with all teachers). The siblings of these girls all chosen ones in their respective years too. All pta kids seem to be prioritised. Another friend mentioned similar. When my first child started in the school my neighbour said, it's a wonderful school but favouritism is rife.

OP posts:
SilverGlitterBaubles · 22/05/2023 07:06

There is certainly a thing in some schools where well behaved quiet children seem to fly under the radar. DD found this hard when the kids who misbehaved or were mean to others were often given 'star of the week' type awards. Trying to explain to DD that this was not rewarding bad behaviour but rather the teacher trying to motivate them because perhaps they had improved in some small way was really difficult. DD felt why bother be well behaved if those who were not got the rewards. In the end I did speak to the school and they came up with a fairer system to ensure that all pupils were recognised in some way. They admitted that their focus had been on improving the pupils with difficulties and in this they had lost sight of keeping all pupils motivated.

SlippySarah · 22/05/2023 07:06

PTA kids and prominent families? Sounds weird. Also primary schools do not usually have a "top set".

If your DD is disheartened about certain aspects of school life it is your job to build up her self esteem so she feels more confident to challenge unfairness and favouritism around her or to shrug it off because its really not that big a deal who gets to take a note to the office. You have the key here, as the grown up, to support your DD to grow and to build on her own strengths rather than to moan about it. Model to your DD how to deal with these things in life - as I'm sure it won't be the last time she has to cope with it.

Fizbosshoes · 22/05/2023 07:07

My DD is/was quiet, hardworking etc and never got chosen for anything at primary. DS the same. The difference was that they hated attention and didn't want to be chosen! (It did seem a very small pool of kids that were chosen though)

At secondary they are even more of a small fish in a big pond, but there are possibly more things to put yourself forward for. In DC school in year 8 iirc they all get a turn of being on desk duty which means delivering notes to teachers or collect Students who have to leave for appointments.

blahblahblah1654 · 22/05/2023 07:07

@Summergirl55 in that case you should try and help her find her voice and confidence.

Freshair1 · 22/05/2023 07:08

ScoobyG · 22/05/2023 06:56

Email the headteacher outlining your concerns. I worked at a school which did 3 class assemblies a year, Xmas and summer productions. I noticed this about a pair of twins, I used to cringe when they stood up to lead as it was all about them... again. A parent then emailed in saying they were disheartened, their child was demotivated and all children should be picked fairly. Whether they had the loudest voice or not, how will they ever practise if never given the chance? The school immediately took note and thankfully became more aware of not sidelining certain children.

Why the head teacher? That completely undermines the teacher. Go to them first.

piedbeauty · 22/05/2023 07:13

So talk to school about it! Give the teacher examples. Say it's not fair, that other dc should be chosen too. If no not from teacher, talk to HT. it's bad teaching practice.

SmileyClare · 22/05/2023 07:19

The 2 girls who are always picked will get a massive shock in a large state secondary!

Im sure your dd will be fine .

TenoringBehind · 22/05/2023 07:19

She’ll be more in invisible at secondary but she’ll be in a much bigger group of invisibles because that’s the norm for those who aren’t trouble makers, sporty, outstandingly academic

SynchOrSwim · 22/05/2023 07:25

My DD goes to a junior school with 3 classes per year. Some years they are sat in ability tables, some years not. But they always mix the 3 classes up and split them into 3 sets for English and Maths. I didn't realise that was unusual?

RedHelenB · 22/05/2023 07:26

Summergirl55 · 21/05/2023 22:50

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls...
There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

How on earth do you know this, do you have a secret camera set up. She's flying academically in your words, so she'll be getting plenty of recognition for that.
As to secondary, yes she may well get a speaking part if she auditions Because you do distinct lessons she will probably shine in sone of those too.

OKwhatsNext · 22/05/2023 07:28

I was that child op. I flew under the radar through my whole education tbh. I think as others have said, the other children are chosen because they are deemed to need it more for whatever reason. Sucks for her though, I feel for her.

Pickledmeg · 22/05/2023 07:30

A tale as old as time. I was the same at primary school, its hurtful when you're that age as praise from teachers and school staff does feel like a big thing, as does being asked to help with x job (no point looking at these things from an adults viewpoint as things feel very different when you're a child). I felt so unmotivated and like I wasn't enough- just because a child is quiet, doesn't cause trouble and finds the work okay it doesn't mean they don't seek reassurance from adults, or that they don't need support with other things.

Secondary is invariably different, I found moving around teachers for every lesson really good and my tutor treated us all well.

PriamFarrl · 22/05/2023 07:31

I read this on here all the time. PTA children get chosen for this, that and the other. I’ve got no bloody idea who is on the PTA. Moreover it wouldn’t change my idea about who does jobs in the classroom. These two girls must be busy if they are the only ones handing out books, taking notes around the school etc.

electriclight · 22/05/2023 07:38

It's nuts to think that a teacher needs a note taking to the office and looks around to choose children from 'prominent local families.' I mean, we couldn't give a shit who is on the pta or who is a prominent local family.

Notes are sent with the first kids to put their hands up, or the kids who have finished their work and can be spared, or the kids who need a movement break.

Can't comment on speaking roles but usually the reliable kids who'll learn lines, biggest voices etc.

Surely your kid shines and gets validation through being in the top set when many others aren't?

There will be more to this than you are being told. Whenever I've had parents in saying similar it's because they believed a half-story from their kid. Right now I've got a pupil who says she's never chosen for anything - she is, she just takes it as a personal slight whenever anyone else is.

Or your kid doesn't put her hand up, or she's still doing her work and it's more important that she finishes, or she's an insufferable braggart if she's chosen for anything.