Aibu to hope my invisible primary child gets some recognition in secondary school

[Summergirl55]

Aibu to hope my lovely, very quiet little bookworm aged 10 gets no attention & is never chosen for any roles at all. Even the mundane everyday jobs are always carried out by the same two girls.. It's bloody frustrating. She's top set & flying academically but never gets a speaking role or a job containing any responsibility.. Even dropping notes down to the secretary, always same two girls...
There seems to be quite a lot of pandering to pta kids & kids from prominent local families which is a bit sickening...

I’ve taught my kid to have to manage his expectations at Primary. It’s always the same kids who get picked for the sporting teams as the school is really competitive and wants to win obviously. This has caused no end of complaints from the kids and some parents.
They’ve recently mixed it up a bit and picked a few more kids from the group of parents who’ve kicked off 🤣🤣🤣
My kid sits under the radar but he’s happy now we’ve explained this is just life. Once they get to secondary things open up a bit more.

My dd is 7 and was feeling like this. She didn't get a part in the nativity play last year so we encouraged her to speak up and explain why she wanted it. She did and the teacher noticed giving her a speaking line in the next assembly. She was great, confident and spoke clearly. Yours is already volunteering so she is doing her part, you need to speak to school and bring it to their attention. They shouldn't be knocking her confidence!

This.

I've not met a 'cliquey' PTA. However when a very small group of people are left to organise everything it is inevitable that they will get to know each other and shock, horror become friends. It takes more than attending a couple of meetings (have you helped at any actual events?) to make connections. You are using this as an excuse.

I am also wondering how the other parents of excluded children feel if it's just 2 girls getting picked?

I agree with PPs, you should try and build your DDs confidence.

What's your reaction when she comes home telling you about the other girls being picked instead of her?

Did you post about this before? I feel like I read a similar thread with the same wording (prominent families, pta, child not being picked). In that thread you mentioned you are struggling with anxiety and OCD. I wonder if your DD is picking up those feelings from you and getting more anxious about not being picked? It does sound a little worrying if she talks about it everyday.

I think in every school there are ‘grey’ children. No matter how well behaved /bright they are - they will be ignored. My dc was one of them!
Secondary school will be a chance for your dd to shine and realise her full potential.
If you get the chance to say something (in school), I would do. Do they realise that the same 2 girls get chosen for everything? Do they realise how it makes others feel?
It is extremely frustrating, and sad, as a parent to watch your child being ignored in this way. Your dd’s time will come, I promise you and those 2 girls will be just a blip on the horizon.

It will be hard for you to see it now, but it wont matter in the end. I was similar to your DD due to being extremely shy. I went on to do well in life/work and it made no difference to my success. I suppose for all I know I could have done even better if I had been noticed/acknowledged more in school but I'm not so sure.

Another voice agreeing that there may be something going on with those two girls which you are not privy to.
Even wrt the PTA - my son has needed a lot of extra support from staff and I have had to take up a lot of attention with emails and meetings to get this sorted over the years, so I have joined the PTA to try to support them back and help reduce some of the other extra-classroom faff they have to do where I can (setting up/taking down for the school fete, sorting out the lost property at the end of term, wrapping the ‘Santa’ gifts etc).
You might think my son gets to run errands (take sensory movement breaks away from his peers) as a reward for this, but it is the other way around!

How does working mean you can’t get involved in the PTA if you want to? I worked full time in a professional job and so did most of the other parents. Meetings and events were evenings/weekends.

Always been that way. When mine were at school some had jumpers covered in badges, school council, librarian, sports leader etc while some like my kids had none - why they couldn’t stare them out to allow lots of kids to benefit I’ll never know.

Maybe being helpful, putting yourself out there, and volunteering for stuff runs in the family.

So why didn't you join?

This was my life at primary school. One of the nonentities . It was always the clever good looking kids that got picked for everything.
Goofy teeth? Unruly hair ? Forget it.
No point in complaining though. Didn't bother saying anything to my mum, she would have just told me to suck it up.
One of life's many lessons I guess.

Unfortunately it will probably be worse in secondary.
Can you afford a drama club?

I'm.not sure being in the pta is a factor

Yes, I get being put off by the cliquiness. Indeed, that put me off joining the PTA at my dd's school, but I would have gritted my teeth and got on with it if I thought not doing it was going to cut my dd out of opportunities.

I don't understand what working has to do with it either. I've always worked full time but today wouldn't have been a barrier to getting involved if I had chosen to. These things aren't usually full of SAHPs in my experience.

I just don't believe that kids get picked for stuff because their parents are in the PTA. Sorry, but I just don't think teachers give a shit about that stuff.

I live in the town where I mostly grew up (from aged 7.) I even attended the same primary and secondary as DC. Several of the teachers are childhood friends and I know this has worked to the advantage of DC in some situations, although not always.
There was one particular child in DD's year (she's quite good friends with DD) at primary who was always chosen for everything, from lead roles to tea with the mayor to school council.
They're now about to leave secondary and this girl has struggled. She came out of primary thinking she was special where as at secondary she is very average academically, in sports and in other ways that are measured. I think it actually did her a disservice, she belived she was chosen on merit.

I found secondary school much better for not favouring certain kids. Dd's bully at primary school's mother was great friends with the staff and did a lot for the school, so they tried to brush the bullying under the carpet. There was none of this at secondary, as the parents aren't in and out the school all the time, so they dont pander to the bullies. I also found the quiet ones who'd been ignored at primary in favour of the confident ones, did get recognition at secondary.

What the heck. Please ignore the dog video

@SeaPink 🤣🤣🤣 loving the dog video 😆

This is my experience too. When I was at school, anyone not causing trouble was left to get on with it.

It also happened to my dd at primary. She's come into her own at secondary. She's at a girls' school and has joined various clubs etc. Her confidence has grown a lot.

Op if it’s as bad as you say and always the same two girls. Then can you try to talk to your child to enable her to recognise fhat there is more than 3 of them so all the kids can’t be inadequate. Literally nearly everyone else is in rhe same boat as her?

also be very sure you’re not protecting your own feelings on to her, and enabling envious behaviour

@mewkins that's what I'm hoping for my my dc. She's not sporty at all but enjoys art, music, reading & actually loves schoolwork.. I will definitely look at getting her enrolled in drama.

One of the mums of said girls is in school all the time in pta business (& according to another parent is on first name terms with all teachers).

You sound just as gossipy and cliquey as you are accusing the PTA parents of being TBH!
I'm not surprised many committee members are on first name terms with the staff either - volunteering on the PTA can be a massively time-consuming role that requires regular liaison with the school, and you can essentially become colleagues of sorts. Presumably you don't refer to all your colleagues as Mr and Mrs? Personally, I find it weird switching between formal and informal when wearing different hats (parent/PTA/parent reader etc), so I just stick to formal for all.

I think that generally there are more opportunities to volunteer for stuff and teachers appreciate enthusiasm more! Dd is helping show the new year 7s round etc and volunteers in the library.

Absolutely get your dd involved in clubs outside of the school. It means they get a while new group of friends and shine in an activity they enjoy.