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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not an AIBU but if someone starts a thread about infertility please…

114 replies

PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 15:43

….. do not do any of the following:

  • Ask if they have considered adoption.
  • Tell them to relax.
  • Tell them about someone you know who was told they couldn’t have children but then went on holiday/booked a round the world cruise/started a new job and found they were pregnant.

This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the childfree/childless women who are sick of hearing this shit society.

OP posts:
Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:47

This has been posted on MN before and mostly what happens is most people agree, but there is also usually a flurry of posts of people defending asking about adoption etc because they genuinely think they are the only person in the world who might have thought of it and therefore they have to tell the OP, mixed in with a vein of - what I want to say is more important to me that what the infertile person feels.

Youngatheart00 · 21/05/2023 15:48

Totally agree

Original poster
PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 15:49

It clearly needs to be said again though. Just look at the thread where the DH wants to stop IVF. It’s full of people helpfully sharing stories of their neighbours, aunt’s, best friend who got pregnant at 43.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 21/05/2023 15:52

Totally agree on all counts.

Also see the vast majority of news stories about infertility which by & large are actually stories of people overcoming infertility to have that miracle baby, so very rarely do you hear from the people who have come to the end of it all and have to accept it won’t ever happen.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:53

PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 15:49

It clearly needs to be said again though. Just look at the thread where the DH wants to stop IVF. It’s full of people helpfully sharing stories of their neighbours, aunt’s, best friend who got pregnant at 43.

Oh I didn't mean it didnt need to be shared at all that wasnt my point

Im actually on that thread as well so I totally get where you are coming from. Im just bracing myself for the inevitable 'my feelings are more important than yours'

PoePoePoePoePoe · 21/05/2023 15:54

Also don’t tell them that you’ll sure they’ll get there, they just need to want it enough 🙄.

I could have written a book on the inconsiderate, thoughtless and downright stupid shite that was said to me when I was going through infertility 🤬

Waitingforsummertocome · 21/05/2023 15:55

As an adopter I couldn’t agree more. Trotting out the adoption line is deeply hurtful to adopted children. Our children are not some consolation prize. They are loved and wanted for themselves.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 16:00

PoePoePoePoePoe · 21/05/2023 15:54

Also don’t tell them that you’ll sure they’ll get there, they just need to want it enough 🙄.

I could have written a book on the inconsiderate, thoughtless and downright stupid shite that was said to me when I was going through infertility 🤬

In the thread the OP referred to someone referred to 'people who are happy to give up and others who keep trying and are succesful' as if infertile people who dont have kids just didnt try hard enough and are actually happy with their decision

Its just offensive the things some people feel its okay to say.

Changingplace · 21/05/2023 16:02

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 16:00

In the thread the OP referred to someone referred to 'people who are happy to give up and others who keep trying and are succesful' as if infertile people who dont have kids just didnt try hard enough and are actually happy with their decision

Its just offensive the things some people feel its okay to say.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ some people are just ridiculous, as if ‘not trying hard enough’ is a real reason anyone would think is possible, how bizarre…

DramaAlpaca · 21/05/2023 16:09

This is exactly why the Infertility topic was hidden from Active by MNHQ a couple of years ago, because of the insensitive, ignorant and hurtful comments that always get posted on threads about infertility.

Unfortunately hiding the topic has meant that people seeking support who don't know it's there or where to find it ending up posting in other parts of the site where they might not receive the support they need.

CurbsideProphet · 21/05/2023 16:10

I wish I was as ignorant about infertility and IVF as the general population on here and IRL. Imagine living a life where you have no idea of the internal agony that comes with not being able to get pregnant and have a longed for baby without medical intervention (which doesn't even guarantee success) . And then imagine smugly posting "helpful" comments about how going on holiday can definitely cure infertility 🙄

Original poster
PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 16:11

Waitingforsummertocome · 21/05/2023 15:55

As an adopter I couldn’t agree more. Trotting out the adoption line is deeply hurtful to adopted children. Our children are not some consolation prize. They are loved and wanted for themselves.

Exactly. When you reply to people who ask if you’ve thought about adoption, ‘yes, have you?’ They often reply that they didn’t need to as they has ‘their own children’!

People who adopt are amazing and wonderful. It’s not something I could do. Adopted children are not some second best consolation prize.

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 16:18

On that note, could people please keep the fucking pregnancy tests to the pregnancy page??

Saw one yesterday on a ZOMBIE COVID THREAD.

Please. Calm down and post in the appropriate place, you'll get much more useful advice there.

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/05/2023 16:22

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

But do you seriously think that anyone going through IVF hasn't thought about adoption already.

It's never a helpful response.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 16:23

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

And these responses will help how exactly?

Ask if they have considered adoption.
Tell them to relax.
Tell them about someone you know who was told they couldn’t have children but then went on holiday/booked a round the world cruise/started a new job and found they were pregnant.

Im pretty sure if IVF is not working then relaxing, going on holiday or booking a cruise is unhelpful and they aren't idiots, everyone knows people can look into adoption if they want to

saraclara · 21/05/2023 16:24

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

Seriously? You think that they don't already know about adoption, and need you to tell them that it exists?

Original poster
PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 16:25

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

This is why I have posted this.

It’s not helpful, it’s never helpful. It’s hurtful.

Do you honestly think that someone who is struggling to conceive hasn’t thought about adoption? Can you possibly imagine that you are the first person to suggest it and that the idea has never entered their head?

It’s got naff all to do with the information given other than the very basic fact that someone finds themself unable to get pregnant

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/05/2023 16:35

I have said the third one before only so people don't give up hope. It happened to me. I never managed to have another thpugh. I definitely didn't say it to be insensitive

Original poster
PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 16:36

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/05/2023 16:35

I have said the third one before only so people don't give up hope. It happened to me. I never managed to have another thpugh. I definitely didn't say it to be insensitive

I think it is different when it happened to you, it’s they ‘my friend’s hairdressers, sister’ type stories that are so annoying.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 21/05/2023 16:38

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 16:20

YABU.

People are trying to be helpful.

And when someone posts something and misses out very important information, then people respond to what is written.

So if someone posts about fertility problems and IVF not working, then it's a fair assumption that they are then looking for help of where to go next.

If they actually mention they have medical issues, are only interested in a biological child etc... then it would limit the number of "unhelpful" responses.

It's really unfair to miss out very important details then have a go at those trying to help based on what was actually written.

Those responses do not help at all.

YADNBU OP.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 16:40

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/05/2023 16:35

I have said the third one before only so people don't give up hope. It happened to me. I never managed to have another thpugh. I definitely didn't say it to be insensitive

Sometimes its kinder to let people give up hope than hold out hope for something that wont happen

Think of it this way

You have IVF in your mid 30s and it fails. Do you want to

a. have counselling, accept the situation, move on with your life and if you get pregnant in your mid 40s its a happy suprise

b. spend the next 10+ years getting your hopes up every time your period is slightly late and then crashing down when it appears because you havent accepted the realities.

B feels cruel to me, to keep telling women it might happen to they should keep up hope when the likelihood is it won't.

Hope is fine at the start of the journey, but its not fine to keep prolonging it at the end.

Original poster
PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 16:41

I do think that part of the problem is that infertility is seen as a taboo. When it does get discussed people who have never experienced it simply don’t know what to say.

OP posts:
Squidwitch · 21/05/2023 16:42

The worst one said to me was: you're trying too hard, just relax. I wanted to say, yes I hear that works for cancer too, just don't worry about it and it will go away. Strangely enough relaxing never did cure my secondary infertility.

Missingmyusername · 21/05/2023 16:43

Not being goady but my mum had me after ten years of trying (after a holiday). I’m going back decades so no IVF. Sometimes it just happens. Most people are trying to be positive, rather than helpful. If you open up a conversation about trying to conceive it’s really hard to gauge what you want 😣 from others. Is there a correct response?

My friend and her DH couldn’t conceive, nothing wrong with either of them that tests found, they opted for IVF and have a DS.

For anyone suffering with a fertility issue and/have exhausted all avenues, I truly am sorry 😔