Not an AIBU but if someone starts a thread about infertility please…

[PriamFarrl]

….. do not do any of the following:

• Ask if they have considered adoption.
• Tell them to relax.
• Tell them about someone you know who was told they couldn’t have children but then went on holiday/booked a round the world cruise/started a new job and found they were pregnant.

This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the childfree/childless women who are sick of hearing this shit society.

I get no positivity whatsoever from the ‘helpful stories’. Wishful thinking won’t repair my damaged tubes. I find them really upsetting. I agree with PP. makes me feel like a failure. All I ever want is ‘I’m so sorry’. If you haven’t gone through IVF you can’t understand the despair it brings.

Adoption is a far from easy option.
Children who are seeking adoption so often have attachment disorder and other issues caused by early trauma.
Adoption should be only done by people aware of the traumas and who actively want to adopt or foster.

Oh you would be surprised. I once got frustrated and explained that the medical reason for me not being able to have children would probably also preclude me from adoption as I wouldn't pass the medical part and they were genuinely shocked that there was any kind of assessment at all and assumed as there were 'so many' children waiting for adoption you just had to phone up and ask

As I read this thread…we finally had our dc after nine years, no IF…I was accepting of my situation and overjoyed when it happened. I was always happy for others with children…but there is a significant number of women who get very angry, resentful, hostility toward the mothers around them, it is scary so I suggest saying nothing at all. Anything said will be considered unhelpful. As can be witnessed on this thread. There is no correct response, if there is it will be the tone or the timing or something that will be deemed wrong and unhelpful. Say nothing. It is a frantic feeling and frustration that others have babies, nothing anyone can say is a comfort. They had in mind a timeline, this will happen here and that will happen there…and their plans are awry and they’re angry. I get it. I’ve been there. But best to say nothing, give a hug, and hope and wish the best for them. Without saying it out loud though, because that would be unhelpful. I have seen it happen, some women will hate other women because they have babies and they don’t yet. I’m sure this will be labeled as terrible and unhelpful. I think it’s unhelpful to resent others for their good fortune and well intentioned support.

I know!
As if adopting children was like choosing a pet-
and that the child would be “ Grateful “ to the adopters.

Literally no idea.

Or that one can adopt a pretty baby from “ Abroad”.

( Wherever “ Abroad” may be)

I had it just this week from one of the three friends that know that we’ve already done 3 rounds of ivf and I’ve had miscarriages. She brought the topic up and then said ‘someone I know had 3 rounds, ran out of money and got pregnant when they went on holiday. Then they had two more kids’ 😩

I’m very happy that the couple managed that, I’m sure it feels miraculous to them but those stories really don’t make me suddenly feel positive and that it will happen for me. Actually quite the opposite.
relaxing or being on holiday won’t get me pregnant, if it did I’d have a few kids by now!

I do honestly believe that for the most part, people feel a bit awkward around infertility and try to give words of positivity and comfort. I just smile and nod while giving an internal side eye 😄

This is why I stay very quiet about our journey, which isn’t great as it makes me feel even more isolated in this journey. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I am married to am adopted man, and my lovely friend has a difficult road of infertility ahead of her, and I'm now kicking myself for asking her if adoption was something she would ever consider.

Luckily she explained the situation to me very patiently (she is a social worker so she knows A LOT about the difficulties of adopting in modern times) and I will never bring it up again.

I just desperately want her to have a baby, and its so terribly sad that she seems to be unable. I don't want to have to accept that she might not.

Thank you for the info, OP. I'm on board.

I started a thread last year ranting about my infertility, and was so upset because my period had came, making this our 5th year running of failing to conceive. Dh and I had mutually decided that it was the end of the ttc road for us as we couldn't put ourselves through any more of this pain.

I did ask people to please not give me any advice, I just needed someone to give off to and share my pain with.

I did of course get some people doing the opposite of what I asked, and suggested adoption, getting drunk etc.

It was annoying but what got to me even more was the people who so kindly informed me that they had formerly experienced fertility struggles too, but got their lovely ds/dd in the end "so don't give up."

Literally posted on a thread about me and dh giving up.

I posted the thread on Christmas morning and got some people saying "last Christmas I was in your position and was in tears as I longed for the baby I never dreamt I'd have, this year I am snuggling my newborn dd as we open presents under the Christmas tree."

Very cruel.

Yes, this in spades. It would be brilliant if people just stopped making daft comments-whether people do or don’t want kids is no one’s business! I can’t ever imagine telling a fellow grown up that ‘you’ll change your mind’

Whether going through infertility treatments or just plain old ttc, comments aren’t needed. Same about people’s bodies etc etc.

I honestly wish people would think a little bit more before saying the first thing that pops into their heads!

Obviously using the phrase "first class post " was hyperbolic but SO MANY posters seem to think we are back in the days of orphanages and "good families" can just ring up to go and pick one with no sense of the process.

@Waitingforsummertocome

I'm so sorry mate, fucking hell people can be utterly thoughtless

Sorry wrong tag - this was meant for @WantToBeHappyAndHealthy

Is there not a fertility website that doesn’t have idiots on it that you could go on?
Then again that negates the point of mumsnet!
That’s the thing with forums, there is no IQ or empathy test.

Thank you. It really did upset me greatly.

I know those posters didn't intend to upset me, and they were just so elated to finally become parents and wanted to share their joy and offer hope. I totally get that, and I'm thrilled for them.

But, I mean, I had tears streaming down my face when I started that post, my heart was completely broken making the decision to stop ttc. I wasn't asking for hope, I was asking for help to accept the fact that I will never be a mum.

Why they felt it was the right thread to post about how much fun they were having with their dc on Christmas morning is beyond me.

Unfortunately, not everyone gets their baby in the end.

I’m so sorry
that’s incredibly shit for you
Do you want to talk about how you feel?

Basically giving up on having children is a grieving process. So run it through your head with the filter of ‘if someone close to me had just died would this be an insensitive thing for someone to say to me?’

or say nothing. Leave it to those who’ve suffered infertility. We’re plentiful in number.

I'm sorry @WantToBeHappyAndHealthy, that's shit💐

I hit my 4 years of ttc in a few weeks. Some people are really supportive, but one of my best friends comes out with some really thoughtless comments.

Didnt start trying until she was 39, paid for first IVF cycle at 41 (partner already has 2 children) and against the odds it worked. Now the implication is that I'm not trying hard enough, and banging on about how amazing it is and she wishes she'd done it years ago.

My first nephew was born this week, and DH and I are going to meet him next weekend. I'm excited and so happy for my sister (who had her own struggles), but I know it will also stir up painful feelings.

It's unthinkably unkind of them to post those things @WantToBeHappyAndHealthy

Sometimes I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but sadly even after it's pointed out how unhelpful and cruel those sort of posts are, people (including a couple on this thread) are unwilling to accept that they shouldn't post such things. It just isn't good enough.

Sending you massive love

Maybe if posters are so sensitive they should post somewhere else? Maybe mumsnet and AIBU in particular are not the best place to ask for infertility advice if you are expecting such a specific response?

People literally say these things on the infertility board

But yes grieving people should not be so sensitive, how very silly of us.

But are they asking for “infertility advice” though? These couples will have access to specialist doctors and nurses.

So if someone wants relationship advice, and infertility is part of the problem she should either ask elsewhere or just have to suck up the unhelpful comments.

Basically this!

Maybe posters should be a bit kinder? And have a little bit of consideration and compassion when someone is clearly struggling?🤷‍♀️ it's not difficult.

Drama. It's been said several times a simple 'I'm sorry/it's awful/what do you need?' Type of questions are an alternative. Sometimes people don't want a solution they just want to vent. If you're not sure what type of support they're looking for you could ask.

I remember this. Some people just can't help but centre themselves at all times. I I'm sorry again.