Not an AIBU but if someone starts a thread about infertility please…

[PriamFarrl]

….. do not do any of the following:

• Ask if they have considered adoption.
• Tell them to relax.
• Tell them about someone you know who was told they couldn’t have children but then went on holiday/booked a round the world cruise/started a new job and found they were pregnant.

This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the childfree/childless women who are sick of hearing this shit society.

But how will people ever know what to say/ not say if it’s never discussed? It will always be a taboo subject if we gatekeep it too much.

I appreciate that people who are dealing with infertility are not responsible for educating others about it though. Very difficult to strike a balance, and I agree with @Waitingforsummertocome ’s comments about being mindful of the feelings of adoptive children.

At least it’s being talked about more.

Generally speaking, always think about what you’re saying and if it’s actually beneficial or if it’s to make you feel better.

YANBU

It took me years and 5 rounds of IVF to get my now 4 year old twins. I had a complicated pregnancy & a stay in NICU. To be honest I’m kind of traumatised by the whole thing. IVF is totally brutal, you can only really understand if you’ve been through it. Telling someone to relax is just stupid and hurtful, as if you have a semblance of control over any of it.

YANBU

I wanted to punch people in the throat when they asked if we had considered adoption 🙄
I took to asking them which one of their children was adopted as they were clearly advocates for that process.
‘oh… we don’t need to adopt… we can have our own children…’
So could we, but we needed IVF to do it!

I was a member of a fertility board for many years and remember reading about a girl who had had 2 ectopic pregnancies so had had both her tubes removed.
A MLM hun tried to sell her some sh*t she was pedalling and told her it cured fertility as it made your tubes grow back!!! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
I can laugh now but at the time I remember being fuming for the poor girl with no tubes!

Sorry for all those going through fertility treatment. It’s sh*t & unless you’ve been through it, you’ve no idea x

Thanks for sharing this. I don't think I've ever had to have this conversation and I'd like to hope I wouldn't spout any of the forbiddens but it's always useful to share.

I really am so sorry to anyone who is going through infertility. It's utterly shit and unfair.

oh… we don’t need to adopt… we can have our own children…’

which is also hurtful to adoptive parents by suggesting their their children aren’t their own.

Completely agree - as someone adopted, I really hate the 'our own children' wording. As much as 'real mum' instead of 'birth mum'. My 'real mum' is the one who raised me and loves me just as much as anyone else's mum thanks!

Both phrases are really damaging, hurtful and confusing for adopted children.

Childfree means you've chosen not to have children so it wouldn't be relevant anyway.

Some women who have not been able to have children due to infertility prefer to call themselves childfree rather than childless

Some women like me call ourselves both childless and childfree. Because I have infertility but I chose to stop before I exhausted every option (donors, adoption etc) so in a way I chose not to have children, but only because of not wanting to pursue the options left to me.

Exactly the same here. I would call myself childfree but not childfree by choice, which I think is the difference.
We didn’t chose to be childfree but use that term as childless is so negative.

But why would you want to say something upsetting?

When I was going through infertility, my actual Doctor recommended I go on holiday 🙄.

Safe to say that didn't work

It is insensitive. Some people it’s never going to happen for. It never happened for me. I’d be a fucking millionaire if I had a pound for everyone who said “I knew someone who…..and they did x and got pregnant”.

This is me exactly.