To move to Italy

[Italyoruk]

Hello,

long time lurker. Probably outing but I’m so stuck with what to do…

Due to brexit my husband had to move to Italy. He’s been there a year and things are rocky between us due to lack of intimacy and him not seeing kids often and me doing everything as means us flying there or him here. The only option is divorce or uproot the kids and move to Italy - this long term thing isn’t working. The kids are half Italian but don’t speak much of it. Youngest is about to start at a highly selective secondary school which he worked for 2 years to gain entry and he’s very excited and cries if I mention moving. Eldest is about to start GSCEs but extraordinarily bright and will do well anywhere even if we move mid year. Eldest doesn’t like change but I think would love it. Obviously my elderly parents are here so that’s a consideration too. They’d be devastated if we moved.

cost of living is going up here, I think we would have a better life there. But will my husband and I reconnect? And is it detrimental to the kids to uproot them at crucial stages…. What if they hate it? Are they too old to relocate? I’d have to give up their selective places if we moved, so it is not like we can “try” it and move back if we hate it.

please help. And please be kind. I’m very fragile right now.

thank you

You haven't mentioned the impact on you of moving to Italy...how would your life change?

The whole of the EU is Utopian per Mumsnet, so go for it!

Why can't your DH get a job in the UK? I'm not saying that flippantly. We were in a similar situation recently with him flying back every couple of months to see us. It was horrendous. You need to all be together and you lot going to him seems like the worst way of doing that for everyone except your DH.

Pros
I would have support with the kids from DH
We would do more family things
Food, weather etc
cost of living better in Italy
ive always wanted to live in Italy
could improve my Italian and skiing

cons
I would miss my family
not be around to support elderly parents (they’re not elderly yet)
kids would miss their friends
kids would be less independent
I would be in a country where English would be a second language for me
Id have to sell our family home
more time with in laws…

no change
I would keep my job (freelancer)

He was made redundant 3 years ago and we have spent all our savings supporting our family. He then got a job last year, but he can’t get a job here.

I think my AIBU is:

am I being unreasonable to give up a selective school place and abandon my elderly parents?

What about DH’s parents? Doesn’t sound like your DP are elderly yet

They’re in Italy. And younger

And have DH’s sibling.

As someone who has lived both in Italy and England, I also think you sound a bit naive about life there. Bureaucracy is awful, schools generally nowhere near as good and English schools and very old school style of teaching. Doing maturità or A levels is completely different unless you will send them to a British school?

the summers in the cities can be ridiculously hot and you have amazing Italian food but very little international cuisine not even in the big cities.

I lived in Italy for 2 years a long time ago. They’d go to a private English/international school (sorry for not saying that bit).

Honestly I can't see a thing in your OP that would make me move. Your DH really upped sticks and went there without a concrete plan in place for you to all follow soon after?

Your DC are at an age I wouldn't want to move them personally, especially with the language barrier / lack of friends over there / school changes.

Tbh I think if your options are divorce or uproot the kids, they're not exactly two similar options - imagine if you uprooted the kids and then had to divorce and move back!

Honestly I think I would try then. Doesn’t sound like your marriage will have a chance with the long distance and your DH has lived in your country for a long time. Moving now doesn’t mean you have to stay forever.

As your spouse your DH is eligible from a visa/immigration perspective to be in the UK, so I’m not really understanding why he had no choice but to go to Italy. Why was he unable to get a job? Has he really exhausted all avenues of job seeking in the UK? With Italy leaning more to the far right politically, it’s not somewhere I’d want to move, no

Why did he have to move due to Brexit? I'm a bit confused why he didn't keep looking for a job here? Sorry if I'm being naive but I thought people living here could stay?

Yes, I know. That’s obviously an huge consideration! I am just so confused right now. If I do riced there, I’d also be hugely at risk of losing everything as at least here I still have the house.

Also, have you looked into the tax consequences etc of continuing with your freelance work in Italy? Might not bé as easy as you think.

I don’t really want to go into the details of why he had to move. It wasn’t to do with immigration/settled status. But let’s just say, after 3 years of trying to get a job, this excellent one came up, and he hasn’t had any success for 3 years in the UK. So he took it. We had spend all our savings, so we had no choice.

If your marriage doesn't work long distance

You have to make a choice.

Your marriage.
Or your divorce.

But you have to choose one

And stick with it

@AllIwantforChristmas22 how long did you live in Italy? Can I ask why you came back?

You airily say that your son is bright and will do well even if you move midyear! This is bearing in mind he doesn't even speak much Italian. And what about the youngest having worked hard for the high school place? How is he going to cope with starting secondary school and learning in a language he doesn't know? I think you are being very cavalier with your children's futures.

What if you sell the house, move to Italy and it turns to custard within two months? Surely your husband could look for a job in the UK?

I dont think if woll work, sorry.

Just from what you've written:

it seems bonkers he couldn't get A job here. It might not be one he wants, but did he try hard enough? Night shifts in a shop probably dont require high levels of spoke English (making the assumption that that night have been a barrier).

Why cant he try moving back?

What is he doing to make it work? Sounds like you are worrying a lot and he just went to Italy because it was easier for him.

You want to move for you but you know its disruptive to the kids.

I dont get the feeling he is that bothered to he honest. Sorry to be blunt.

In your shoes I'd start living my life as though I am committed to the UK and focus on the kids schooling with a view to considering moving there when the kids move out. If I could get past the fact your DH doesnt seem all that fussed about being a unit and appears to have opted out.

I know. And it’s so tough. I just need some help in deciding if uprooting the kids is worth it?

Re your elderly parents, Italy is a 2/3 hour plane journey and has plenty of flights.
If you decided to go and it didn't work out , would you have somewhere to live if you came home? As someone else said, your relationship might not survive a long distance relationship. I can't speak for schools.

DD lived there last year, and much as I love the country, I wouldn't live there. Bureaucracy drives me mad, and am not a fan of their current government ( although ours isn't great either tbf), and the heat in summer is incredible in the cities, but you already know that, and it's not about what I think.

Are your parents well enough to visit?

I think he made a bad choice. At this stage of his life he should have put his family and the need to keep you together over his dream job.

Did he work during that 3 years or just burn through savings because he wiuldnt take a job beneath him.

Cynically, I wonder if he subconsciously spent the savings before moving to Italy as he was hoping to.