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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset a friend by being disorganised with plans

105 replies

TheBerry · 21/05/2023 07:58

I have upset a friend and am feeling really guilty and unsure what to do.

This friend (we’ll call her Rosie) can be a little sensitive, and is upset by other people quite regularly, but I do think I personally messed up on this occasion. I’m HOPING that MN won’t think it’s as bad as I do, but I’m really just wanting honest opinions so I can work out what to do.

I have an 8-month-old and I’m quite tired and not very organised at the moment. It was my DP’s birthday and I thought I’d just book a table in town for a casual lunch with some friends. I decided to do this a week in advance, and messaged a few friends to say noon on Saturday at this particular restaurant.

Rosie and a few others said they would come. I didn’t mention it to any of them again (which I should have done, as a reminder) although a couple messaged me to check we were still going, which I confirmed.

On the day, we were driving over when I realised in the message to Rosie I actually hadn’t specified the time we were meeting.

I messaged her saying I was sorry, I just realised I hadn’t told her the time, and we were heading over now - could she make it?

After a while she messaged back to say that since she hadn’t heard anything back from me about it she assumed we weren’t going, and that she wasn’t able to attend now.

She is cross with me, and I think she feels that I couldn’t be bothered to get in touch with her to confirm the plans, or that if I’d really wanted her there I’d have made more of an effort.

I do think I was vague with the plans and I should have followed up with everybody and confirmed what was happening. Probably the only reason the others turned up is that they messaged me to double check it was still on!

I’ve apologised and suggested meeting up next week but she’s not replying. Feeling exhausted and guilty and not sure what to do!

YABU - you should have messaged all the guests a day or two beforehand, made sure you’d given the right details, and confirmed the plans. You left it up to everybody else to check what was happening. Rosie is right to be annoyed.

YANBU - it was a mistake, you apologised, and she is overreacting. It’s not a big deal and you can do someone another time.

OP posts:
ReddishBrown · 21/05/2023 08:00

If I was Rosie, I would have messaged you to double check the time.

DanceMonster · 21/05/2023 08:01

If someone messaged me with a vague plan for lunch but never confirmed a time/arrangements I’d assume it wasn’t happening. People shouldn’t have to chase you up to confirm plans for an event you’re organising.
However it’s not the end of the world, you have a young baby, are probably sleep deprived and these things happen, so I don’t think you need to be self flagellating or grovelling for forgiveness. You’ve apologised, now it’s up to her to decide whether to accept your apology or not.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 21/05/2023 08:02

Didn't you say noon in the original message?

I definitely would have checked in to confirm the time, to shore up the plans. This is how it ends up being with my friends, starts off vague, we confirm and check in closer to the time.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 08:04

CheeseDreamsTonight · 21/05/2023 08:02

Didn't you say noon in the original message?

I definitely would have checked in to confirm the time, to shore up the plans. This is how it ends up being with my friends, starts off vague, we confirm and check in closer to the time.

I did to everyone but her! For some reason in the message to her I missed off saying it was at noon. It was definitely very vague, which is probably why she assumed that I hadn’t actually arranged anything in the end.

OP posts:
Misskittycat16 · 21/05/2023 08:05

Does Rosie have children? I didn't really 'get it' before I had children and probably would've taken offence. However I now know how HARD it is to function properly when you are so sleep deprived!
You didn't do it on purpose. Cut yourself some slack.

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:05

She is being very precious.
Yes you should have confirmed, but a week out meant it was pretty definitely happening. She could easily have messaged to confirm the time.

I'd send some sort of passive aggressive non apology "Sorry if you were upset about not coming. I have baby brain so it's best if you double check any arrangements I make at the minute LOL. See you soon"

CheeseDreamsTonight · 21/05/2023 08:06

It's just a miscommunication and you'll both know from now on what the other does / how they organise things. You've apologised, it's not that bad, not worth falling out over I don't think.

IfYouDontAsk · 21/05/2023 08:07

You’ve apologised for your (minor) mistake in not stating the meet up time or following up to confirm. Let her sulk; she’s being absolutely ridiculous.

CurlewKate · 21/05/2023 08:11

I would have assumed it wasn't happening. And yes, I would be a bit upset as it was obvious I was the only one who hadn't been told the time. I think most people would be....

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/05/2023 08:11

You definitely should have let her know the time, so it was appropriate to apologise.

However it was just a human error - we all make them. So she should accept your apology and not go on and on about it. If she did, I would feel less and less apologetic and increasingly irritated.

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 08:11

DanceMonster · 21/05/2023 08:01

If someone messaged me with a vague plan for lunch but never confirmed a time/arrangements I’d assume it wasn’t happening. People shouldn’t have to chase you up to confirm plans for an event you’re organising.
However it’s not the end of the world, you have a young baby, are probably sleep deprived and these things happen, so I don’t think you need to be self flagellating or grovelling for forgiveness. You’ve apologised, now it’s up to her to decide whether to accept your apology or not.

Agree with this. Yes you should have mentioned a time but have apologised.

what more can you do? I think it’s ridiculous she is being so punishing of you after you’ve apologised. People make mistakes, none of us are perfect.

The only justification for her behaviour is if you are constantly doing such things and it’s a pattern. If it’s a one off I’d ditch this friendship. You shouldn’t have to be grovelling and walking on eggshells for anyone!

lap90 · 21/05/2023 08:13

Like you said, you were vague with the plans and you should have followed up and confirmed what exactly was happening.

With that said, her reaction does seem OTT unless you are like this all the time.

dudsville · 21/05/2023 08:17

I think you both are making too much of this.

saraclara · 21/05/2023 08:18

I'd be annoyed and disappointed that I'd missed the lunch. And no, you don't get a pass on messing up, so she's entitled to be unhappy.

But her not answering your message (assuming she's seen it and more than a full day had passed since you sent it) is a bit childish..

gamerchick · 21/05/2023 08:22

Had to be the extra sensitive one didn't it?!

This is what SM comes in handy for. Tell everyone at once. Yes you should have told her but equally she should have asked. Let her sulk.

Do not pander or turn yourself inside out to appease her though if you've apologised. Shit happens.

Peppadog · 21/05/2023 08:23

If I was her I would have chased up the time if I was keen to come. But you were wrong to tell some people the time and not others and I can see why she's annoyed. I don't think having a baby is really an excuse for messing up something that you personally have planned! It was a mistake, apologise and move on.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 08:24

That I can think of, I’ve never made a vague plan like that before and neglected to tell her all the details.

However, I have cancelled on her recently for some things that she’s arranged (due to my baby being ill, though, which is a pretty good reason I’d say). Fortunately, there were other people going to those things - it wasn’t just me and her.

I’m not somebody who organises stuff a lot generally, as I’m quite introverted, so she is often the one to make plans. It’s very possible that she feels like it’s always on her to arrange stuff, which is very valid. The more I think about it, the more I think that could be a factor.

I think she has also felt a bit segregated from some mutual friends as she fell out with one of them and a couple of our other friends are perhaps more on that person’s side. I’m not taking sides, and have tried to see everyone pretty much equally, but it has been quite a difficult situation and caused a few upsets.

Honestly, I do feel that I haven’t been making as much effort as I should have, which is part of why I feel guilty. The incident at the weekend was an unfortunate exacerbating factor.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 21/05/2023 08:24

even if you're not super organised, in your position, when I received one message asking if the arrangements were still on, I'd have whatsapped everyone invited as a reminder & the time the table was booked for

Jengnr · 21/05/2023 08:26

She’s not wrong to be annoyed but she’s making a bigger deal about it than it needs to be.

You messed up, you acknowledged it and apologised. Not sure what else you can do?

Goldrushed · 21/05/2023 08:27

You know you ballsed up and have apologised.
If this was a one-off then I wouldn't make a big thing of it but has this happened before?

Are you now an unreliable and flaky friend?

I hate the excuses that come from some friends with babies. It doesn't have to make you a crappy friend, plenty aren't but I feel like a couple of people in my life almost give into it in a way that's frustrating.

Others manage to maintain friendships, don't forget people and still make an effort. I feel like they've made a conscious choice to not be rubbish.

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 08:29

I’m not somebody who organises stuff a lot generally, as I’m quite introverted, so she is often the one to make plans. It’s very possible that she feels like it’s always on her to arrange stuff, which is very valid. The more I think about it, the more I think that could be a factor

This explains it a bit more. It can be wearing to always be the organiser as it makes you feel like no one else makes the effort or cares. She may feel like she’s putting in all the effort and getting nothing back.

Baby being ill is a valid excuse but adding the other factors may represent a pattern to her and maybe she’s withdrawing to protect herself? I do have a bit more empathy with her after your update. It’s hard to feel like you’re just an after thought.

Phineyj · 21/05/2023 08:32

Do what @rookiemere suggests. I didn't find having a baby affected my organisational skills, but I was lucky as she slept well. I know other mums who weren't functioning at all at the point you are!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 08:35

If, from her pov, her friend keeps cancelling on her and then vaguely invites her to something but misses off important details that would actually allow her to go, I'd see that as a snub and would probably think you didn't want her to come. It seems like you're phasing her out (from her pov).

Let her cool down and make a massive effort to see her and show her that she does still matter to you

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/05/2023 08:36

A vague plan with no actual times, I would have assumed it wasn’t going on if you didn’t firm up details.
this, combined with the fact that you’ve cancelled on her a few times recently and that she is usually the one who the organisation is left to (and I suspect she doesn’t forget to firm up times) and you owe her a massive apology.

lightbulbmomentsintown · 21/05/2023 08:36

If Rosie has form for being sensitive and falling out with people then it sounds as though she's maybe looking for reasons to be offended/upset?

If a friend asked me to lunch and forgot to mention the time, I'd not sit around waiting for them to tell me, I'd ping them a message back asking what time we were meeting. Isn't that how healthy friendships work?

I don't think you've done anything wrong and for Rosie to suddenly decide she has different plans (even though she must have known logically that 'lunch' would likely be between the hours of day 12-2pm) and then to start ignoring your messages, nah, that just sounds like someone who's looking for reasons to be aggrieved.

Hope you had a lovely time anyway!
Please don't apologise to Rosie again. She needs to stop looking for reasons to be in a grump.